Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Friend ate and drank more at dinner to get even

94 replies

flyingdonkey · 09/12/2023 15:30

Friend and I meet every now and then over dinner or drinks.
I think they live above their means, and spend their money on fancy experiences whilst they struggle with living up to desired standards in their personal lives.
In the past I've picked the entire tab or gone Dutch with them. A few months ago, I paid fully for dinner and then said they can pay next time we're out as they have never paid in full for us both. Since then, months passed where we couldn't meet one-on-one (we've met in between with wider groups of friends) because friend always said they were busy with one thing or the other.
Now months passed, friend suggested we see a movie and have dinner. They booked movie tickets for £X and I said I will pay for dinner.
I didn't think much of it.
When we went to dinner, the menu was fairly cheap; we settled for certain foods on the menu. However, in the middle of taking our order, friend changed their mind and ordered for a more expensive food and wine.
When the waiter left, they then said that it's okay as it now means that I'm paying for food equivalent to the £X they'd paid for movie tickets.
I felt they were being calculative and sly.
A few hours later, they wanted another glass of wine and I offered to pay for it and they then objected saying it'll mean we're no longer even. I said it was ok and paid anyway. This meant they now spent £X on movie tickets and I spent £X+30 on food. I told them that there's more to life than trying to be even as it slowly dawned on me that they purposely nudged me to a cheaper food so they can have more expensive food and wine covered within their mental calculation of how to stay even.
When I got home, all the memories then flooded back in relation to how I'm the one who took them to a fully paid dinner the last time and how perhaps cunningly they allowed months to pass before we can meet again and then took the lead on suggesting and paying movies this time so they don't have to pay for food in full.
AIBU to think they're too calculative and I should see them less and make myself unavailable for all these expensive meet-ups they are always suggesting or even just not see them anymore! I woke up this morning thinking I really don't need a drainer in my life. I really could do with saving my money for my future goals, not leading a pretentious lifestyle.

OP posts:

milveycrohn · 09/12/2023 16:51

Each pay for your own meal, or at least split the meal in half.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 09/12/2023 17:00

Do you like this person in other ways, have any shared history with them, admire anything about their character? That is friendship to me. This just sounds like an acquaintance you occasionally meet because you want to socialise with someone.

Museum10663 · 09/12/2023 17:07

if they were that cunning then its worthy of Machiavelli ideas

Goldbar · 09/12/2023 17:11

I agree with @Lavender14 .

People are weird about money sometimes, especially if they don't have enough of it or are living above their means. It doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to fleece you, it means they're weird about money.

If you value their company, focus on low/no-cost activities where you pay for yourselves (a walk, coffee in the park, browsing a Christmas market) and take the pressure off. If you don't, then maybe don't meet up again.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2023 17:13

This would give me the ICK.

Do you actually like this person? If so, continue to meet very occasionally and each pay for what you actually had.

If you don't like them, cut them off.

OhwhyOY · 09/12/2023 17:14

If you otherwise like them I'd just message them next time you're due to meet up and say that you've just remembered that they were going to pay for the meal last time as you paid the time before but in the event you forgot, and would they mind paying this time as funds are a bit tight. If they're difficult about it then I'd probably either end the relationship if you find it that upsetting or just see them at each other's house or somewhere you can pay for your own food. If you don't really like them otherwise then I wouldn't bother with them any more.

Bordesleyhills · 09/12/2023 17:16

Oth of you pay for what you have and then no one owes or forgets whose turn

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 17:24

I offered to pay for it and they then objected saying it'll mean we're no longer even. I said it was ok and paid anyway. This meant they now spent £X on movie tickets and I spent £X+30 on food.

Why are you paying for their drinks?

They’re saying no and you’re insisting and then getting annoyed about it.

Sorry but I think you’re being a bit of a martyr here.

It sounds like they want to try and keep things fair but you want to spend more on the friend but the friend isn’t as financially well off as you, so tried to keep it even.

If someone pays for the tickets and the other person pays for the food, then the food should have come to a similar amount as the tickets, else one of you is out of pocket.

I think it’s always best to just pay for yourselves.

The cinema tickets should be been 50/50 and the food and drink should be on separate bills or work it out at the end.

Going forward just suggest you both pay for yourselves and then there won’t be any of these issues.

Lemsipper · 09/12/2023 17:25

oh dear, they’re not friends.

dooneyousmugelf · 09/12/2023 17:25

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. You say she's calculating but you seem to have mentally calculated meals going back probably over a year and you also insisted on paying for an extra drink when she pointed out you then wouldn't be evens. You did this to make a point. Surely from now on you would just pay your own way and she do the same instead of call time on the whole friendship?

BettyBakesCakes · 09/12/2023 17:34

But you're the one that offered to pay for dinner then offered to pay for more wine? You're offering. Stop offering if you don't want to pay for it.

Tacotortoise · 09/12/2023 17:36

BettyBakesCakes · 09/12/2023 17:34

But you're the one that offered to pay for dinner then offered to pay for more wine? You're offering. Stop offering if you don't want to pay for it.

This^^ Whatever game you're playing, it doesn't seem to make you happy.

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 17:45

I think you either treat someone and don't worry about being even or you split the bill.

Original poster

flyingdonkey · 09/12/2023 17:49

Thank you for all your responses.
I actually really liked my friend until this incident, but I now have an ick. We're in the same tax bracket. They prefer splurging luxurious activities. I am more of the saving towards a goal kind of person because unlike them, I'm alone so do not have a partner to go Dutch on living expenses with.
We've discussed this many times and even talked about the importance of doing things from the heart as if we're keeping tabs of who pays for coffee, we may as well not spent time together. But they've slowly nudged us away from coffee meet-ups to these expensive activities. And I honestly don't mind if they're absolutely necessary. If it's their birthday or they've accomplished something professionally or even feeling low, I picked the tab to celebrate them but I plan something affordable.
I have never really paid attention to what they do for me in return until the last dinner where I paid in full and told them that one of my goal is to not be complicit in people coming to expect things of me, so next time I'd appreciate if they picked the tab. My birthday was coming up anyway and they promised we'll celebrate, but they found a way to be busy for 4 months since then whereas we met up at least once a month prior.

If they ordered an expensive meal from the jump, it wouldn't have bothered me. It's the sly way they went about it. I'm not fussy about food, so they said they'd been to the restaurant before and know what's best to order on the menu and I was quite happy to take a recommendation as it wasn't cuisine I was familiar with. Then in the middle of ordering, they switched their choice to x2 more expensive and gave a seamless explanation for the change of mind. It appeared well thought-through and they also knew the exact alternative they wanted in its very European name. Also, it's the way in they pulled out their phone to show me the price for the movies they'd paid for and the way they held my hand for reassurance with a sheepish smile. It was that feeling when you look into someone's eyes and you can see that they know you are seeing through them and they had a sheepish smile.
In the moment, I wasn't thinking as fast as they were and didn't remember that I paid for the last one-on-one dinner in full.

OP posts:

chillin12 · 09/12/2023 17:56

Friends like these only look how now they can benefit financially, without offering to reciprocate. Not that it’s always about giving to expect back, but a decent friend would return the appreciation. Such friends will never pay an extra penny more then their share, even if they’ve been treated generously. Many “friends” simply prioritise their convenience, money and time above others, even if others have been generous with them. They’re so used to be being calculating, it just doesn’t cross their mind anymore to be grateful.

I understand I may be projecting for my own experiences 😅 but I do think your friends has acted ungratefully here.

wjpa · 09/12/2023 17:56

This person isn't your friend. I'd cut contact, slowly. Certainly no more dinners.

chillin12 · 09/12/2023 18:00

Some “friends” happily accept treats/generosity, but will NEVER think to offer this back, even if they are in a position to.

dooneyousmugelf · 09/12/2023 18:00

Oh is it really that deep, OP? The food and drink must've been a bargain at least, if it price matched 2 cinema tickets.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/12/2023 18:03

Hope she did pay for the tickets and weren't a freebie with a phone deal or sky

scoobydoo1971 · 09/12/2023 18:04

Suggest walks in the park for a chat up or something similar that costs nothing. Then see if the friend wishes to spend time with you. I guess you have just found out you have a user in your social group, and that can feel very disappointing. But you know how they are with money so don't let this person keep taking advantage just to be nice. These sorts of people have no conscience or feelings of empathy for the circumstances of others. It is all me, me and more me.

MumblesParty · 09/12/2023 18:12

You just need to stop offering to pay. It’s pretty simple surely? I often go out for lunch with friends and we either spilt the bill evenly (if we’ve all eaten similar food) or calculate it separately if someone’s had pudding for example. It’s not complicated.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 09/12/2023 18:15

They're not your friend - drop, block, move on. Or don't block and let them initiate contact next time and think carefully about whether or not to meet up. If you do meet up, just each pay your own way - say so immediately, and stick to it.

But really, why bother with this aggro?

TheaBrandt · 09/12/2023 18:15

The language used by the op is very odd. Never heard anyone in real life speak like this…

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/12/2023 18:16

Loads of great advice and summing up here.

I know it isn't the point, but I presume you're not in the UK? '30' for a glass of wine? 30p would be ridiculously cheap, but £30 would be ouch!!

BoredofBlonde · 09/12/2023 18:19

they wanted another glass of wine and I offered to pay for it and they then objected saying it'll mean we're no longer even. I said it was ok and paid anyway.

Why did you? Sounds like you wanted to come across as being Lady (Lord?) Bountiful, and then were annoyed with yourself after!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread