To ask how to get my husband to stop singing.

[Imevery]

My husband is a very nice person. (He’s also bloody annoying a lot of the time, and I’m sure I am too.) About 18 months ago he took up the guitar as a hobby. I’m glad he has a hobby but he plays it about 4 hours a day all round the house, not very well but bearable. Worse, he sings along and he has a terrible out of tune singing voice. He also has ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria so gets really upset at any suggestion that he can’t sing as he really likes music. It’s torture. I am quite musical, can sing well and have recently taken up a new instrument but I practise for an hour a day in a room with a closed door. He is driving me potty. How do I deal with this without hurting his feelings, I’m worried one day I’m going to snap and it will lead to a huge row and he’ll be really hurt.

I'm sure you're not "normal" in your own way.

This would be me.

I can only speak for myself but it just seems like stating the obvious, doesn't everyone feel sensitive, when they are being rejected? Should it be a special label?

For me it's like saying, pain aversion disorder, or bereavement grief disorder, or hunger from lack of food disorder. If anyone is in that situation, that's how they're going to feel, it's not unique to people who have a specific neurodiversity

That's like telling someone with depression they are "a bit sad" and it's normal.

Or telling someone with ME "everyone gets tired".

Why do people always think it's ok to have a bash at neurodiverse people even when it's blantantly obvious they haven't a clue what they're talking about?

Can you spin it as you're overwhelmed by the constant nature of music, and ask if he can do it in a room with the door closed? Everyone deserves some silence.

You came on here to post this?

We still have a long way to go in this ignorant world.

If OP’s DH has these diagnoses and they’ve presumably been together a long time, I’m surprised she’s never had to handle his feelings in a similar way previously. There must be certain methods that minimise adverse reactions, as there are with ADHD. OP should just implement those.

Yeah, people pretend they are neurodiverse and struggle with every aspect of their daily lives just to inconvenience you.

The myth that it's ND people who lack empathy debunked once again.

OMG I really really feel for you. I'm not sure what to suggest, but you are NOT a bad person for feeling this way. I have a duff singing voice but an extremely good ear. I cannot bear out of tune singing, which is why I never sing myself. Hearing people sing poorly actually makes me almost physically angry, it's like 'can't you fucking hear yourself! SHUT UP!!' so I so feel you. I'm not the person to give advice as I would most likely tell him he has a tin ear and that if he has to sing not to do it around me lol.

Exactly. We've come on leaps and bounds with mental health attitudes in general. Most people are aware of depression and anxiety. When it's talked about on here, it's usual met with sympathy and great advice. It affects a lot of people after all.

But Neurodiversity seems to be a free for all. Folk don't believe in it a lot of the time - bad parenting etc. They readily state that they are sick of hearing about it. They deliberately misunderstand. 'Everyone's a bit Autistic' gets trotted out frequently. Why? Why does it matter so much to those that aren't affected?

It just wouldn't cross my mind to mock anyone diagnosed with anything. Even if I hadn't heard of it.

I remember the looks I used to get when I took my sister out who had Downs Syndrome. The sniggering, the sighing because they didnt want to be subjected to her 'noises' (indiscreetly telling the waiter to move us) the rude and direct questions "Why is she like that?" I thought we had moved on. People really aren't much more tolerant these days though.

There are too many labels.

@Hastheslotharrivedyet health conditions are not "labels". 🙄 Do you say this type of thing to people with cancer or asthma or anorexia or diabetes? "Don't label yourself!"

I totally agree @RainbowZebraWarrior. Many of the posters on this thread should be ashamed of themselves.

I honestly can’t believe the amount of people on here mocking a genuine disability?!??

Seriously, just because you can’t get your head around it or understand it, doesn’t give you the right to mock and invalidate.
I guess if you’re in the position to mock these things, you’re very fortunate to have not experienced them.
Why can people not be open to learning about something they don’t understand rather than straight off dismissing and mocking it??

Neurodiverse people have enough to contend with in real life without such blatant disregard and insulting behaviour from ignorant people.

And a diagnosis or label does NOT absolve a person of responsibility for their actions. They are still responsible for their behaviour and need to work on strategies for managing it. A label helps to bring understanding of what is going on for the person and helps them and the people in their lives cope and work out how to live with it.

Some really awful comments on this thread.

@Mamoun no I won't do better thank you!

I have reported your post!

You are incredibly ableist. It's not about being woke!

RSD and ADHD do not work like that. It's like telling someone with anxiety not to be irrational about their fears.
View it as being phobic of rejection. Or a form of attachment disorder from being constantly criticised as a child.

My mum once told me off for not signing in time in church. I was 9. I have never sung since. Not even happy birthday at parties. Before that I was in the choir at school and church. I used to go on stage and sing at concerts and all sorts. But I haven't sung since that day in church and probably never will.
There is no rationalising it. But in any situation I might be expected to sing I freeze. My whole body stops. I couldn't make a sound no matter how hard I try. It is crippling.
My mother would be horrified if she knew because she's a good person but that is what RSD can do.
I had friends over for a birthday meal a few weeks ago. I couldn't even make a decision on what takeaway to get in case I upset someone or they didn't come.
Until you experience it you haven't got a clue.

• in tune not in time

As a counsellor and someone who works with ADHD sufferers I can tell you that RSD is very real.

In people who aren't neurodiverse, rejection, or what we perceive to be rejection of something personal about ourselves that we hold in high regard causes at the very most, a bruised ego, embarrassment and maybe a bit of anger and indignation.

In people with RSD the same perceived rejection causes extreme emotional and often irrational distress. It manifests as extreme emotional dysregulation. They'll have extreme mood swings from intense outbursts of anger (all anger stems from another emotion) to suddenly being in unstoppable floods of tears. In extreme cases it can morph into social anxiety.

They can't help it. It literally is the way the brain is wired. And it's not a nice thing to have to deal with.

This thread really highlights just how little people understand mental health. And how little empathy some people have.

@Hastheslotharrivedyet

I could give myself loads of labels and have people I live and work with treading on eggshells

Give yourself a bunch of labels, but don't be mocking those with genuine, professionally diagnosed conditions.

It's just downright nasty

Nobody is "making them up". HTH.

gets really upset at any suggestion that he can’t sing

Even if Mariah Carey was singing in my house all day I would still get sick of it and tell her to shut the fuck up.

Me too!

The only consolation is that my children now won’t have to struggle the way I have done.

This is what I had thought, too, but reading this thread I am less convinced of that given there are still so many bigoted, ignorant, nasty people who are quite happy to belittle the life-altering conditions that other people have to struggle to cope with.

I believe you. I would white lie/say it nicely - the constant sound is overstimulating, could you please play in the room with the door shut.

I’m certainly not going to double down on my original comment. I had never heard of RSD, despite having family members with ADHD and ASD. I’m very glad that posters here have highlighted what it is and that I’ve taken the time to both read them and look it up, and my original comment was wrong to make.

Thank you for admitting that and making the effort to learn about it @Didimum.

That's kind of you to say. Hopefully your family members with adhd don't have rsd it and that's why you didn't recognise it.