To ask how to get my husband to stop singing.

[Imevery]

My husband is a very nice person. (He’s also bloody annoying a lot of the time, and I’m sure I am too.) About 18 months ago he took up the guitar as a hobby. I’m glad he has a hobby but he plays it about 4 hours a day all round the house, not very well but bearable. Worse, he sings along and he has a terrible out of tune singing voice. He also has ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria so gets really upset at any suggestion that he can’t sing as he really likes music. It’s torture. I am quite musical, can sing well and have recently taken up a new instrument but I practise for an hour a day in a room with a closed door. He is driving me potty. How do I deal with this without hurting his feelings, I’m worried one day I’m going to snap and it will lead to a huge row and he’ll be really hurt.

Indeed. I wondered if that was from a professional diagnosis 🤣🤣

Thank god someone said it

As with anyone, you can say what you like, but if you care about the person you might want to understand that they are probably massively overreacting in their head to any criticism or rejection. You could try and reframe it eg I can't come to dinner on Tuesday, and its really not that I don't want to because I'm really looking forward to it. But somethings come up, can we rearrange it now so I know it's in the diary as I don't want to miss dinner with you entirely. Or something like that. Nobody HAS to act differently for anyone with adhd, but it's really considerate if you do. A simple 'I can't come anymore' is open to so many interpretations for someone with rsd, usually along the lines of 'they hate me'

RSD is very real, and can be life changing awful

I've educated myself with the ilnk earlier and read this:

"Since RSD isn’t an official medical condition and there’s limited research to support it..."

It's neither bigoted nor shameful to question the validity of something that hasn't been medically recognised or properly researched. It doesn't mean that there isn't sympathy for everyone that reacts badly to rejection.

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/#:~:text=Rejection%20sensitive%20dysphoria%20(RSD)%20is,high%20standards%20or%20others'%20expectations.

For anyone interested in learning a bit more.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy yes it's a known set of conditions and the term is used by psychologists and psychiatrists

Surely that's a learnt behaviour and from a deep rooted self esteem .

I know loads of people like that !

Kernackered, isn't that just called being tactful, which is what most people do, unless they have a condition that affects their ability to be tactful

No. But you might take extra care to reassure someone so that they don't spiral and start blowing it out of proportion.

Get someone else to listen who isn't afraid of telling him that he sounds like a cat on a hot tin roof.

I am 59 years old. I am a sensible, mature professional woman with a family and a responsible job and some good friends. And when I heard the term Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria about a year ago, it was instant recognition and like a lightbulb went on. And since then I've been diagnosed with ADHD.

All of a sudden it made sense why the thought of someone thinking badly of me absolutely crippled me. I wouldn't show it in public but I would go home and feel absolutely awful for 2-3 days. I've berated myself for my sensitivity and done all sorts of things to try and get rid of it but to no avail. I fucking hate being a people pleaser and work really hard on overcoming it but the emotions are intense and agonising. Think of what you would have to feel to describe something as agonising. That is not an exaggerated word for how I feel.

Have some fucking compassion for people who experience things that you don't.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a new one on me.

It could well be a learnt behaviour. In my case it's from being emotionally and mentally battered through having undiagnosed ADHD.

But hey, it's "made up" so it doesn't count........

Jeez. Imagine if I went on an LGBTQ+ board and stated "what's all this made up gender fluidity, please get my pronouns right etc etc bollocks?!" I'd have my arse handed to me and probably be banned/arrested for hate crimes.

Bloody hell.

Thank you for saying it without being offensive. Not many people are aware of it because of the likes of this thread. No one with it dares talk about it by the very nature of the disorder. God I'm pissed off. I need to take a break!

Yes. That's all it takes. Tact. Someone without rsd you could cancel plans with a simple " can't make it anymore" for instance, it might be an annoyance but they'll probably just assume you'll see each other again at some point and life will continue, no damage done to their self esteem. Someone with rsd requires a bit more tact which essentially translates as I still love you, I'm not cancelling because I didn't want to do it, its unavoidable, I'm equally sad about it as you, we are still friends I promise, you are still a great person to be around and I enjoy your company. Its almost like exaggerated tact though as the rsd person will otherwise spiral with feelings of rejection. It's exhausting. Extreme, extreme shame and embarassment and feelings of self hatred

Poor OP has had their thread derailed. Sorry for my part in that OP.
The best way to approach your DH is be honest but really tactful and maybe compromise re the amount of time he practises.

High 5! I’m 50 and have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. Then I had 2 children who both turned out to have ADHD, one with crippling RSD (as in, doesn’t even dare to talk as she’s scared of doing/saying something wrong). And what do you know, I have ADHD too.

I’m so jealous of these people who have the luxury of not believing in these crippling disorders. When your brain chemistry is off, especially for women of our generation, it can be a life sentence of being told you’re lazy, disorganised, oversensitive. I’ve heard them all. Ritalin has been life-changing. The only consolation is that my children now won’t have to struggle the way I have done.

Jesus can't believe that at least some of these callous replies are coming from parents. Some even with kids with ADHD.

Stop fucking up the next generation like we were fucked up by our parents. Educate yourselves, people.

With ADHD you have much lower dopamine, vs non ADHD. This has a number of consequences, one of which is RSD. It is crippling for those with it. Please enough minimising and ableism. Until you've experienced it you can't possibly understand what it is like.

That was my reaction too.

Nobody likes being told they have a shit singing voice, but nobody is good at everything. He needs to suck it up and keep his singing for when he's alone!

You're very ignorant but you're okay with that, so I just hope your loved ones have actual supportive people in their lives.