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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get my husband to stop singing.

177 replies

Imevery · 09/12/2023 14:31

My husband is a very nice person. (He’s also bloody annoying a lot of the time, and I’m sure I am too.) About 18 months ago he took up the guitar as a hobby. I’m glad he has a hobby but he plays it about 4 hours a day all round the house, not very well but bearable. Worse, he sings along and he has a terrible out of tune singing voice. He also has ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria so gets really upset at any suggestion that he can’t sing as he really likes music. It’s torture. I am quite musical, can sing well and have recently taken up a new instrument but I practise for an hour a day in a room with a closed door. He is driving me potty. How do I deal with this without hurting his feelings, I’m worried one day I’m going to snap and it will lead to a huge row and he’ll be really hurt.

OP posts:
Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:20

We have everything labelled nowadays to absolve responsibility

Nimblesandbimbles · 09/12/2023 15:20

I heard about RSD when I read the book ‘your child isn’t broken.’ It’s common in autism & ADHD. Look it up. It’s not just a fear of rejection, it can be quite paralysing. As pp says it’s to do with how much these issues affect you functionally.

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:22

Op says she's afraid of upsetting him, but is living uncomfortably due to his behaviour. In her words "it's torture".

But some on here are arguing that this man's rejection sensitivity is "disabling". So she's not allowed to tell him to stop, to gain some quality of life in her own home.

I've read this before on mumsnet and it applies here, I think: women aren't support animals for men.

SgtBilko · 09/12/2023 15:22

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:20

We have everything labelled nowadays to absolve responsibility

How is recognising that some people are neurodivergent or have difficulties absolving everyone of responsibility? It is giving people the information they need to manage their lives better and, in some instances, the medication. The responses on this thread are unbelievably ableist.

Begsthequestion · 09/12/2023 15:24

https://www.additudemag.com/rsd-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-experiences/ < for the posters new to the concept of RSD.

OP I can imagine how much it grates. I've experienced similar behaviour from male guitar players while travelling, you're trying to read quietly and suddenly the lounge is taken over by some gap year twat who thinks he's the next Cat Stevens but sounds more like a pound shop James Blunt. Even if he's good, it doesn't mean everyone is in the mood to hear it. And I play too, but can't imagine doing that to others.

Can you emphasise that you miss the peace and quiet, rather than mentioning the quality of sound? It's not unreasonable to have to practice in a separate space, just because most people need quiet to think properly. He should be more considerate in shared spaces.

Or maybe you need to start matching his noise, until he asks you to stop, and you can both agree to stfu!

How Does RSD Really, Actually Feel?

“The initial feeling of RSD is as if you've been punched in the head and are struggling to regain consciousness. You then deny that it is affecting you, but your brain goes blank, your body paralyzes and, as if by the force of a volcanic eruption, you...

https://www.additudemag.com/rsd-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-experiences

NotDoingOk · 09/12/2023 15:25

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2023 15:06

Why are PP mocking RSD?
It's a well known profile with people who have ADHD.

Very true. It's not a fancy label for a normal thing. It's a response that's at such a high level as to be pathological.

SgtBilko · 09/12/2023 15:25

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:22

Op says she's afraid of upsetting him, but is living uncomfortably due to his behaviour. In her words "it's torture".

But some on here are arguing that this man's rejection sensitivity is "disabling". So she's not allowed to tell him to stop, to gain some quality of life in her own home.

I've read this before on mumsnet and it applies here, I think: women aren't support animals for men.

She’s asking how to ask him to stop without hurting his feelings. I’m not sure how to do that because I’d probably snap and have a row. However, that’s what she’d like help with.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:27

SgtBilko · 09/12/2023 15:22

How is recognising that some people are neurodivergent or have difficulties absolving everyone of responsibility? It is giving people the information they need to manage their lives better and, in some instances, the medication. The responses on this thread are unbelievably ableist.

Show quote history

Because if you give everything a label nothing is ever anyone’s fault.

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2023 15:27

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:22

Op says she's afraid of upsetting him, but is living uncomfortably due to his behaviour. In her words "it's torture".

But some on here are arguing that this man's rejection sensitivity is "disabling". So she's not allowed to tell him to stop, to gain some quality of life in her own home.

I've read this before on mumsnet and it applies here, I think: women aren't support animals for men.

Is it torture though? Or just a bit irritating?

Because I can see that it's irritating. The solution for me would be to have a designated room for practising in with a door that can be shut.

I'm not going to comment on RSD because I think that's actually irrelevant. And I also think the OP posted it (knowing the reactions she would get) for effect Music making and singing has proven MH and overall health benefits and he simply enjoys it.

To solution is not to embarrass him into not doing it.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:29

I could give myself loads of labels and have people I live and work with treading on eggshells.

LickleLamb · 09/12/2023 15:29

Can you start listening to music in the house - he surely won't feel he can sing over what you are enjoying. Mind you he might sing along.

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2023 15:29

SgtBilko · 09/12/2023 15:25

She’s asking how to ask him to stop without hurting his feelings. I’m not sure how to do that because I’d probably snap and have a row. However, that’s what she’d like help with.

Show quote history

I disagree.

I'd imagine that (given she also practises music and does it for an hour a day behind a closed door) she is perfectly capable of identifying a possible solution and proposing it.

I think she's pissed off and annoyed (which is fair enough) and so started a thread designed to encourage strangers to just bitch about him.

And it seems to have worked...

Begsthequestion · 09/12/2023 15:30

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:27

Because if you give everything a label nothing is ever anyone’s fault.

Show quote history

Why does it have to be about designating blame?

What about understanding?

Read up about RSD perhaps, then see if you still believe that.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 09/12/2023 15:31

Gaffer tape and a pillow? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Circularargument · 09/12/2023 15:32

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/12/2023 14:34

Give him a course of singing lessons for Christmas? He'll be out for an hour or so each week and it might make the time he's at home slightly less ear bleeding.

Depends. A professional music teacher once tried to teach DH to sing. She was very firm that everyone can learn to passably hold a tune.

Yeah,not DH as it turns out.😆

TodayForTomorrow · 09/12/2023 15:34

If he is enjoying it, I don't think it's a reason to stop doing it. He isn't trying to make a career out of it. People can still be shit at art or golf or embroidery and still do them for fun.

You do need to be able to tell him to do it in a closed room though, and then wear headphones when he's doing it. You don't have to tell him you think he's bad; just that it's very intrusive and stops you concentrating on other things.

Begsthequestion · 09/12/2023 15:34

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:29

I could give myself loads of labels and have people I live and work with treading on eggshells.

The point of observing, defining and labelling certain facets of human behaviour is to encourage greater understanding and foster meaningful communication.

The point is in effect to remove the eggshells.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:36

Is it torture though? Or just a bit irritating?

The singing itself is probably just very irritating.

But the feeling that you can't speak your mind and make a reasonable request for the quiet enjoyment of your home, because your OH has a named disorder that means you mustn't make him feel "rejected" at any cost, including at the cost of your day-to-day comfort in your own home... that, I imagine, is torture.

That is what we call walking on eggshells.

Op says she's afraid to upset him. Why? What is he like, what does he do, when he's upset? Hmm

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:38

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:36

Is it torture though? Or just a bit irritating?

The singing itself is probably just very irritating.

But the feeling that you can't speak your mind and make a reasonable request for the quiet enjoyment of your home, because your OH has a named disorder that means you mustn't make him feel "rejected" at any cost, including at the cost of your day-to-day comfort in your own home... that, I imagine, is torture.

That is what we call walking on eggshells.

Op says she's afraid to upset him. Why? What is he like, what does he do, when he's upset? Hmm

Exactly. She’s putting up with “torture” in case he gets upset. How the fuck does he cope in life. I’d take the guitar into the garden and lob it

Sunday12 · 09/12/2023 15:38

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2023 14:56

You suck it up.

This world is full of people who don't sing because someome once told them they can't.

If you don't like it, close the door, put headphones on whatever but don't shame him into stopping because thats just cruel.

How well you can sing is irrelevant and a bit of a dickish point to make tbh.

And I say that as a musician.

I totally agree with you. Very sad that people think he should be told he’s no good

Lizzieregina · 09/12/2023 15:39

I think it’s reasonable to ask him to “practice” his singing in a closed door room.

My DH loves to sing and play the guitar (he’s a good guitar player and a mediocre singer) and he does it where I can’t hear him 🤷‍♀️ In the basement or outside in the garage.

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2023 15:42

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:36

Is it torture though? Or just a bit irritating?

The singing itself is probably just very irritating.

But the feeling that you can't speak your mind and make a reasonable request for the quiet enjoyment of your home, because your OH has a named disorder that means you mustn't make him feel "rejected" at any cost, including at the cost of your day-to-day comfort in your own home... that, I imagine, is torture.

That is what we call walking on eggshells.

Op says she's afraid to upset him. Why? What is he like, what does he do, when he's upset? Hmm

But that isn't what's she's asked about. That would he a totally different question with a completely different set of responses.

Devilsmommy · 09/12/2023 15:45

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 15:20

We have everything labelled nowadays to absolve responsibility

100% true

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 15:46

I would nominate one room as The Music Room, and make clear that all music practice (yours and his) should take place there, because hearing anything over and over makes the heater hate it. Nothing personal.