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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about this pic

113 replies

reallyfedup123 · 09/12/2023 09:47

I’ve put on tons of weight due to emotional stress. I feel and look absolutely awful. there was a PTA event yesterday in my kids school and I volunteered. The organiser (a very pretty, skinny and glamorous mum) took pictures of everyone and I told her I don’t want a picture and she promised she wouldn’t share, I explained how awful I feel and don’t want to see pictures of myself let alone other people which she seemed to understand. Well today on the group chat which includes lots of mums from different year groups she posts the most unflattering picture of me! I have my mouth wide open, a silly headband on and I’m not exaggerating I look crazy. I have such a weird half smile on my face and my tummy is sticking out. Even DH agrees she could have picked a better one.

PLEASE help me rationale this and feel better. I can’t face anyone on Monday. Shall I do a message in group joking about my picture?

OP posts:
Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 10:51

I completely understand why you’d feel so upset!

But it’s either a really unflattering photo and does not paint you in your best light - in which case the other women will know this and know that you are much more attractive.

Or it’s a picture of what you actually look like and the other women will know this and not even care.

It sounds like you are more attractive in real life and all of the other women know what you really look like.

Tbh the other women are going to be more focused on the photo of themselves (and at least 1 will be feeling how you do) and not give your photo a second thought.

Original poster
reallyfedup123 · 09/12/2023 10:52

Thank you so much everyone for being supportive and understanding, you have no idea how much you helped me not spiral out of control!

I’m going to get over this now and think of how I can change my life. My youngest has no photos of us together as it’s only past few years I’ve felt like this since he was born actually. I’m going to change myself and from today take photos with all my kids together! I won’t post anymore just yet but hopefully this time next year I will overcome my insecurities and maybe even share a picture of us together. Have a lovely day x

OP posts:
mauvish · 09/12/2023 10:54

Obvs you have the right to ask that photos of you are not taken/shared

But we all focus self -critically. You see your tummy and a "deranged" smile. Others may just see a picture of a happy lass enjoying herself.

Even if others think the photo is unflattering, it doesn't really matter. Would you think the worse of someone if you saw a photo of them that they felt didn't do them justice? Or would you just see the smiling face?

SecretSoul · 09/12/2023 10:54

Eveningintheafternoon · 09/12/2023 10:47

I actually think a ‘cheers for sharing such a flattering photo’ is miles worse than directly and politely requesting it to come down. People would probably be sympathetic to a ‘they are great photos Jane but I’m not feeling so good about myself just now, would you mind deleting it?’ But a snidely worded message wouldn’t go down well.

I think it depends how you phrase it. Lots of people - including myself - would happily make a genuine joke out of it. Putting a laugh emoji can help to convey the right tone.

I think most people who read a message like that would assume it’s humorous because it’s honestly a bit mad that anyone could get that upset at a fun snap taken at a kids’ event.

category12 · 09/12/2023 10:56

As pps have said, your problem is mostly in your own mind. The vast majority of people looking at those pictures will not spend a second's thought on the one of you - they will be looking for ones of themselves or their children.

Honestly, do something constructive about the way you feel about yourself, by using this as a springboard for a lifestyle change / buying some more flattering clothes / having a make-over or new haircut to make you feel a bit better.

Don't get into asking people to take pictures of you down, just let it go.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 09/12/2023 10:57

ApricotLime · 09/12/2023 10:00

Could you reply on the group chat "Thanks for posting such a flattering photo 😀" Then it reflects badly on her but looks like you're laughing about it

Oh my God don't do that. Nobody else wants to have your self-esteem issues acted out on them in a group setting.

FreshWinterMorning · 09/12/2023 10:59

I know how you feel @reallyfedup123 . I'm in my mid to late 50s, and I'm not exactly as slim as I used to be. I'm 5 foot 4 and about 13 stone. I was 12 stone 3 for my older daughter's wedding a couple of years ago. I was quite pleased I'd lost some weight. I got to a size 14 and I thought I look quite decent.

She had one of these photographers that goes around taking hundreds of photos of the whole day from 10 in the morning to 10 at night. (At least half of them are casual and candid shots!) Then you have a link sent to you with about 500 pictures to choose from - and you can print your own/your favourites... I was on probably 85 of the pictures ...

I looked OK on the vast majority of them, as some of them were posed shots with the bridal party and family etc, (and on some of them - during the day when people were just mingling, and at the reception and night do etc - I 'posed' and looked at her and smiled when I saw her coming.) But she got me in a few pictures (about 8,) when I wasn't looking! A few were pictures that got me from the side. 😬

In a few of them, (where it was side-on,) I looked absolutely fucking horrific. I look like a bog monster ... I had a double chin, a fat arse, and a fat belly, and looked awful! I thought 'ohh my days!' Shock 'I look VILE!'

But then I thought - like quite a few people have said on here - most people are just gonna scroll past and look for pictures of themselves and their loved ones, and the bride and groom. Not me! And I did look OK/decent on the majority of the photos. It was mainly the 'bridal party getting ready' ones, and two in the 'night do.' All the ones of the ceremony and the reception I looked fine.

So I just picked 150 pictures of the whole day of the 500, and ones with non-rancid ones of me. LOL. Then I put the 500 pictures on a hard drive somewhere (deleted the rancid ones of me,) and forgot about it. Most people will have picked their favourite ones, and not bothered with ones of just me on anyway, and the link was deleted 6 months after the wedding, so I reckon they're virtually all gone now.

I know this is slightly different because the pictures you hate of you have gone online, but trust me, the vast, vast majority of people, (probably everybody) will actually not give a damn...

If it's that upsetting for you, as pps have said, just message her and say 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm so conscious of my weight right now, would you please delete that photo of me on your facebook page? Thanks so much.' xx

.

SallyWD · 09/12/2023 10:59

I hate photos of myself. They can ruin my mood for hours! When I see horrible photos of myself in group chats I simply delete it very quickly (delete it for me only) before I've even looked at it properly and never have to see it again. Obviously others can still see it but so what? People know what I look like! If it's a bad photo of you people will know it's simply unflattering. If it's actually how you look, well they know how you look!
It sounds like you really studied this photo. Always a mistake.

ApricotLime · 09/12/2023 11:02

SylvieLaufeydottir · 09/12/2023 10:57

Oh my God don't do that. Nobody else wants to have your self-esteem issues acted out on them in a group setting.

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Huge over reaction.

Tessabelle74 · 09/12/2023 11:03

I'm chair of our PTA so spend more time than I'd like on the group, it was shitty of her to post the picture after you'd asked her not to, but from personal experience and those of the fellow pta parents, we're usually too busy to even care why is posted in there unless it directly involves something we're involved in. Please don't give it any more thought, no one is judging you anywhere near as much as you're judging yourself, honestly x

user1477391263 · 09/12/2023 11:03

DappledThings · 09/12/2023 09:59

Asking her to delete it just draws more attention to it. Nobody is going to be laughing at you or looking at it again. It's a passing moment.

Yes, but people do have a right not to have photos shared of them (maybe not a legal right, I am not clear on that. But a moral right, yes).

OP, you don’t have to make a big deal about your appearance; just say something about “Hi! I see you shared the photos of members. I know our conversation about this probably just slipped your mind, but for reasons I’d rather not go into, I don’t want photos of me shared on social media, so could you remove it? Thanks in advance.”

FreshWinterMorning · 09/12/2023 11:04

@ApricotLime · Today 10:00

Could you reply on the group chat "Thanks for posting such a flattering photo 😀" Then it reflects badly on her but looks like you're laughing about it

Oh God don't do this! @reallyfedup123 Shock It will highlight your picture, the issues you have with it, and make people look at the picture/notice it more!

Her posting a picture with you on from a night out you were at, is not going to reflect badly on her! You will just look silly and attention seeking if you do that/say that! ^

Greengagesnfennel · 09/12/2023 11:04

Don't say anything as it makes you sound vain and weak (it will encourage her to be meaner in future too I think). If you say nothing it also means no one will remember it but you.

ApricotLime · 09/12/2023 11:05

jimbort · 09/12/2023 10:35

I like this! You sound fun and nice. She sounds like a cow. Everyone will know this. We just tend to look at ourselves more harshly than we do others. Be kind to yourself. Weight is only one thing about you and you sound very overly harsh about yourself. FlowersFlowersFlowers

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Thank you. Another poster was horrified at the suggestion 😀

CharlotteBog · 09/12/2023 11:07

"Hello, please can you remove the photo of me on the group chat. You will remember that I asked you not to post photos of me"

No need to give her reasons. You didn't need to give her any reasons in the first place. "Please don't post photos of me on social media" should be sufficient.

Oriunda · 09/12/2023 11:09

Have you ever organised a PTA fair? I have, and I was usually running around like a headless chicken, dealing with loads of requests simultaneously like more change, supplies etc. At the same time, snapping some pics of our volunteers to show them they’re appreciated. In the heat of the moment, I’m sure she did agree not to post. Then she promptly forgot. It doesn’t mean she’s a bitch, and all the other stuff she’s been called on here. How she looks is irrelevant.

I hate being photographed. I see myself in the pic as being fat and ugly. Friends might post a pic of me saying how great I look. It’s my hang up, not theirs.

My various group chats receive loads of pics. I scan them to see if our family/my son etc are in them, then delete.

Btw, it’s easy to set up WhatsApp so that shared pics don’t go into your personal gallery.

DappledThings · 09/12/2023 11:11

user1477391263 · 09/12/2023 11:03

Yes, but people do have a right not to have photos shared of them (maybe not a legal right, I am not clear on that. But a moral right, yes).

OP, you don’t have to make a big deal about your appearance; just say something about “Hi! I see you shared the photos of members. I know our conversation about this probably just slipped your mind, but for reasons I’d rather not go into, I don’t want photos of me shared on social media, so could you remove it? Thanks in advance.”

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Which is still drawing more attention to it and making a minor incident into a saga. Nobody is going to be thinking anything about the original photo but a message like that makes into a thing and will make people start talking about it. Yes everyone has the right to not have photos of themselves anywhere but I assume OP wants to stop people looking at it rather than sending a message that will make people scroll back to look at it again wondering what all the fuss is about.

SgtBilko · 09/12/2023 11:12

Absolutely ask her to take it down. She has no right to post your picture up without your permission.

Ulysees · 09/12/2023 11:12

ApricotLime · 09/12/2023 10:00

Could you reply on the group chat "Thanks for posting such a flattering photo 😀" Then it reflects badly on her but looks like you're laughing about it

That's what I do and did recently. I went to a group night out. A woman I don't know posted a terrible pic on Facebook of me looking down. I looked like jabba the hutt. Not being big headed but I'm decent looking and pretty glamorous but a bit overweight. She's very overweight. The pic was awful. We were in a group chat prior to the night out and I pointed out about the photo but didn't act upset. I even sent it to friends saying don't I look stunning. Friends thought she'd photoshopped it but I hadn't thought of that? They said it didn't even look like me. It was. Everyone can take bad photos. My profile isn't as good as the front.

Please be kind to yourself OP. If you're really unhappy about your appearance maybe see what can be done to help your self esteem? Do you exercise much? I find when I'm more toned I feel better about myself. Good skincare helps too.

EasternStandard · 09/12/2023 11:15

Op I know it’s annoying but I’m not sure I’d ask for deletion

Do you take much notice of other pics? As people may feel similarly but I don’t think people take much notice anyway

So reverse that, others may not notice your pic

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 09/12/2023 11:16

PBandJ111 · 09/12/2023 09:59

Message the bitch and ask her to remove it. She s nasty. Beauty is not just being skinny.

I agree. You spoke to her beforehand, she agreed, and now she's done this. Total bitch territory and now you know to be on your guard with her.

Blogswife · 09/12/2023 11:18

I would message and say “ hi …. further to our chat yesterday where I asked for photos of me not to be taken / posted , would you kindly take down the one that you’ve just posted please . Sorry to be a nuisance but I am not in favour of having my photos on social media - thanks for understanding….”
She is out of order for ignoring your request . It doesn’t matter what the reasons for this are ( you could be fleeing DV and don’t want to be identified) she should not have done this against your wishes

Yetanothernewname101 · 09/12/2023 11:18

I think she probably forgot and just uploaded all the photos. I would send a message and ask for the photo to be removed. In future, if she or anyone else takes a photo of you, ask them to delete it immediately and watch while they do it. I had to hide from an abusive ex and had this issue more than once. You have the right to privacy.

Ericabro · 09/12/2023 11:19

Just want to say your not ugly and as disgusting as the person who rode all over your feelings, I think you should front it out and anyone who says anything just tell them the truth you asked for pictures of you not to be used and they were by a horrible person the sooner everyone know what this person is capable of the better

DappledThings · 09/12/2023 11:19

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 09/12/2023 11:16

I agree. You spoke to her beforehand, she agreed, and now she's done this. Total bitch territory and now you know to be on your guard with her.

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Ridiculous. It's far more likely to have been an oversight because she was busy and not really listening than anything malicious. "Total bitch territory" is a very silly overreaction.

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