Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your parents also do this...

175 replies

seenisambol · 09/12/2023 07:53

I grew up in a zero tolerance home environment. If my brother or I broke the rules (e.g. the living room was messy, we'd forgotten to empty the dishwasher) we'd be met with shouting and aggression and we'd end up in our bedrooms in tears. I remember when my brother was 11 he broke a lamp and cried for 3 hours before my dad got home as he was so worried about what he'd do.

I've had a good relationship with my parents ever since I left home 20 years ago. They're also now retired and far less stressed, which I think was a big part of the problem.

However one thing I really struggle with is their selective memory of my childhood. There's been times when I or my brother have referred to a minor incident (we would never talk about the really bad ones) and they say things like "What?! Don't be ridiculous!" or "I'd never say something like that! If I did then that's awful".

Has anyone else experienced this? Have they really blanked out everything that happened? Or are they too embarrassed to talk about it? This wasn't just one or two incidents, this was the backdrop of my childhood so I find it so hard to understand how they could have no memory of it.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 09/12/2023 07:55

While my home life was nowhere near as bad as yours, my mother definitely has selective memory about it!

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 09/12/2023 07:56

I can relate.

The biggest one that they don’t remember is going on holiday for a week when I was 12 and left me on my own.

Didnt even tell me they were going, came back from school with a post it note on the fridge

FiveShelties · 09/12/2023 07:56

Perhaps they are ashamed of their behaviour and trying to block any conversation about it.

FiveShelties · 09/12/2023 07:57

@Bringonthesunforthewashing that is just awful. Do you have a good relationship now?

rootsandwings89 · 09/12/2023 08:00

I am one of three girls, my mum was a single very stressed out parent who was always working. Our home was a very hostile and toxic place and we were all very unhappy. My mum would also shout in our faces, call us names, put us down, ignore us and we were often met with physical aggression too.

I remember once locking myself in the bathroom shaking because she was trying to break the door down to get me.

Fast forward 20 years we are in a better place after lots of fall outs. I have a relationship with my mum but she pretends none of it happened. I'll never get an apology or explanation, I think it's a mix of shame and embarrassment but maybe they do block it out. If I were to bring it up she would say "oh yes that's right, I was such a terrible mother wasn't I? Poor you" and make out I'm exaggerating or making it up.

Eveningintheafternoon · 09/12/2023 08:02

Definitely. I’m wondering if I’ll be the same.

Carol Ann Duffy’s poem We Remember Your Childhood Well addresses this, although it’s a very sinister poem here

https://www.lettres-et-arts.net/litteratures-francophones-etrangeres/carol-ann-duffy-remember-your-childhood-well+47

romdowa · 09/12/2023 08:02

We went to the pub every day after school and where there until they kicked my mother out. Yet according to her we came home to freshly made food and Mary Poppins. My mother definitely has an alternative view about how my childhood was.

sesquipedalian · 09/12/2023 08:04

I think all of us have “recollections may vary” moments!

daisyjones45 · 09/12/2023 08:05

I grew up with a verbally hostile mother. I now have a serious mental illness that's commonly linked to childhood abuse and trauma. She denys any responsibility to this day no matter how many conversations, I try to have with her about what went on ❤️

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/12/2023 08:05

These parents who are prone to emotional, psychological and physical abuse won’t object to gaslighting as well. It’s just a continuation of the abuse.

I’m sorry some of you are going through this.

noooooooo · 09/12/2023 08:05

Hells yeah, mine were tough going. I suspect they’re not up to knowing, if that makes sense. They’re not given to introspection and as they’ve aged have become arch revisionists. They also go on about how well-behaved we were which is bizarre given the stuff that went down. It’s led to a lot of dissonance as an adult, and I suppose, some trauma.

on the flip-side, my kids sometimes tell me stuff we’ve said or done and though we’re nowhere near as wild as my folks were, there have been times I’ve been upset/cringing. I must have either thought it was fine at the time or can’t remember. The difference (I hope) is I immediately accept that it’s true and apologise when stuff was wrong/unfair/OTT - and keep it in mind.

Eveningintheafternoon · 09/12/2023 08:06

sesquipedalian · 09/12/2023 08:04

I think all of us have “recollections may vary” moments!

I do wonder about this, is it me or them? Mine are dead now in any case but I do remember my parents insisting that I once had a big argument with my friends on a sleepover and they had to come and pick me up and I would honestly bet my house that this didn’t happen!

Talktometellmeyourname · 09/12/2023 08:08

PuttingDownRoots · 09/12/2023 07:55

While my home life was nowhere near as bad as yours, my mother definitely has selective memory about it!

Exactly the same for me.

Original poster
seenisambol · 09/12/2023 08:11

I do wonder about this, is it me or them?

Well exactly. It is quite the head fuck. If it wasn't for the fact that my brother remembers everything the way I do I'd wonder if I'd made it all up in my head. I suspect even my partner thinks I'm exaggerating as my parents have been nothing but lovely to him. However, I vividly remember my gran standing up to my dad and saying "your kids are scared of you" which convinces me it was real.

OP posts:
Burntoutbetty · 09/12/2023 08:13

My dad says he never called me fat as a teenager but I remember being in tears many times about it! I think it's pure shame.

notanothernana · 09/12/2023 08:14

My parents don't always remember stuff but, and a big but, they will consider it as the truth. They believe me.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 09/12/2023 08:15

Yes my parents definitely do this. If we ever insist something did happen, she'll switch to "oh! I don't know why you took any notice of me! You should have just ignored me, no need to get worked up over it"

Sure mum - we should have ignored you screaming in our faces. That would have gone down spectacularly

StardustGiraffe · 09/12/2023 08:19

Yes definitely.

Nothing so bad as what some have described but my mum flat-out denies she ever smacked us but she DEFINITELY used to.

It's frustrating because when it comes up in conversation it's not even in a criticism way as everyone used to get a smack back then, but she just won't have it.

Bogeyes · 09/12/2023 08:24

My father was very good at beating me and my sister with his belt. We were so frightened of him. He ruined our childhood. He could remember it! He's dead now and I don't care

Bogeyes · 09/12/2023 08:25

He couldn't remember

CharlottePimpernel · 09/12/2023 08:27

Oh yes. My mother would lose it to the point of actually frothing at the mouth, screaming in our face, holding us by the hair, hitting us with whatever was in her hand. Over something like a broken cup or we hadn't finished the dusting or she'd lost her keys.
She tells us now it was the other way around and we made her life miserable when she was trying her best. None of it ever happened, we're being ridiculous, "Oh I'm such a terrible mother aren't I," heavy sarcasm.

She still does it- only now we're all bigger than her she has tantrums like a toddler, she'll stamp her feet and squeal. She's 68!

jhy · 09/12/2023 08:32

Yes and they are none the wiser of the trauma they have caused - 'if it did happen, you are fine what's the big deal?!'
Especially one parent who calls their disgusting behaviour character building

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 09/12/2023 08:34

My dad was a shouter. We were genuinely scared of him, although he never hit us.
In hindsight as I think he was highly stressed, depressed and autistic. I think he self-medicated through addiction...alcohol, food, gambling.
When he retired he was a far better dad and granddad to my kids. He couldn't recognise himself in anything that I told him. My sister barely had a relationship with him after leaving home but on a one-to-one he was a good dad to me. I miss him now he's passed but my sister doesn't.
My mum is still with us and has dementia. Her dementia has changed her personality and she's a total bitch to me. The things she says to me make me reflect on my childhood more, and I think she's actually always been this way, selfish and cold, but for years she's told us how she was a great mother, it was her calling, she loved being a mum. None of us recall her being present and loving like we are with our kids. She never cooked us a meal, she says she didn't like cooking but couldn't and wouldn't, and she never defended us to dad, just watched and sat back whilst he yelled. Even in her lucid moments now she is in total denial about who she is and how she's lived. I feel almost nothing for her.
My sister has the same childhood memories, it isn't a "me" thing, but I think our parents met, married and had kids to live the life expected of them. They were never in love, we might have been planned but dad always said he wasn't desperate to be a parent, he went along with it. It wasn't a bad childhood per se but it makes me want so much more for my children in terms of love, warmth, listening and being there.

Chickenwing2 · 09/12/2023 08:37

Me and my brothers were screamed at and smacked by a very strict dad. I was terrified of him and spent a great deal of childhood worrying about being in trouble. It just isn't mentioned now although has affected me for life. One evening I was frantically cleaning my house for my parents visiting and my husband remarked "are you scared of your dad?" It's made me think- even in adulthood I still worry he will be angry at my decisions.

Goldbar · 09/12/2023 08:41

I think parenting is one of those things where, when you get it a bit wrong, it's sometimes too painful to admit to yourself. I'm not talking about the parents who beat or scared their children the whole time, but more about the low-level lack of nurturing that can often be caused by stress or other life pressures.

My parents definitely didn't always bring their A-game to parenting, but it was a different time and they were financially stressed and time-poor for large chunks of our childhood. We always felt cared about thought, and a lot of it was mild compared to some people's experiences. It was more that they were under so much stress that we couldn't ever have problems - they didn't have any bandwidth to deal with extra issues.

One thing that didn't help, I think, and I'm not sure it's changed much, is the pressure on women especially to have an immaculate or 'show' home. My mother worked full-time, took on extra hours in the evening to earn additional money, bore the whole mental load and did most of the cooking and cleaning. And still Saturday morning would see her scrubbing the windows, polishing skirting boards and screaming at us kids to tidy our rooms as we had guests coming round in the afternoon.

While I prioritise differently to her (and have never scrubbed a skirting-board more than about once a year!), looking back I have a great deal of respect for her. I used to bring up some of the issues with our childhood, and she found it incredibly hurtful and painful, but now I just accept that she did her best.

Swipe left for the next trending thread