To ask if your parents also do this...

[seenisambol]

I grew up in a zero tolerance home environment. If my brother or I broke the rules (e.g. the living room was messy, we'd forgotten to empty the dishwasher) we'd be met with shouting and aggression and we'd end up in our bedrooms in tears. I remember when my brother was 11 he broke a lamp and cried for 3 hours before my dad got home as he was so worried about what he'd do.

I've had a good relationship with my parents ever since I left home 20 years ago. They're also now retired and far less stressed, which I think was a big part of the problem.

However one thing I really struggle with is their selective memory of my childhood. There's been times when I or my brother have referred to a minor incident (we would never talk about the really bad ones) and they say things like "What?! Don't be ridiculous!" or "I'd never say something like that! If I did then that's awful".

Has anyone else experienced this? Have they really blanked out everything that happened? Or are they too embarrassed to talk about it? This wasn't just one or two incidents, this was the backdrop of my childhood so I find it so hard to understand how they could have no memory of it.

Ah yes, I know this one well. The recollections do indeed vary. I'm also blamed for things that went wrong, like the disastrous years I spent being bullied at boarding school, because it was apparently me who wanted the fancy school with horse-riding and drama lessons. They see it as indulging my every whim as loving parents (and at financial sacrifice I was frequently reminded of). I, however, look back and wonder who was actually parenting that terrified nine year old who was being physically assaulted by her peers because "that's what you wanted"

My parents also have selective and frequently changing stories about serious medical issues and hospitalisations I had as a very small child. I recently tried to get hold of my medical notes to try and make sense of these (as some of the info would inform current treatment) but alas the notes have been disposed of so I will never know

My parents are both dead now. They were constantly locked in verbal conflict; lots of bad atmospheres etc. No shouting (well not much) - just tension and stress and sulks and verbal put-downs etc. It impinged hugely on us children - we never felt relaxed and never received physical warmth or hugs - they were too preoccupied with their battle.

The very interesting thing is that they (my mother in particular) were good grandparents in the main and clearly adored their GC and doled out hugs and praise in a way that we as their children never received. I was torn between feeling jealous and angry, and being glad for my children and them.

I wonder is the difference the frequency of the incidents? A parent did something maybe 3 or 4 times but to the child the memory is that is happened all the time? In that sense they are both right.

My sister has an upsetting memory of my Dad slapping her, but very few childhood memories generally so wondered if this was a frequent thing. I have very strong memories and know were lucky and never severely punished and quite indulged really. By all accounts he gave her a few slaps but didn't hurt her, just once after she did something particularly naughty. It suggests that children can get aspects of it wrong, but also proves the point of how impactful physical discipline can be.

My parents weren’t shouty or aggressive but my mum definitely has a very selective memory about these sorts of things. For example, we were discussing the fact that I was never a kid who wanted to join clubs and do activities (absolutely true) and I mentioned (not in a critical way at all!) that the only thing I ever really, really wanted to do was to have riding lessons, but that never happened because it was too expensive or inconvenient or something. My mum absolutely denied, very vehemently, that I had ever asked for riding lessons or shown any interest in horses, which is SO far from the truth that I nearly spat out my tea. She also said “if you’d told us you wanted riding lessons, you could have had them” which is just a massive fib; they were way too expensive and there was nowhere nearby that did them. She also insists that she would never have stopped us wearing whatever clothes we wanted which again, is total bollocks.

She was a lovely mum and she still is, but she doesn’t half talk some nonsense sometimes.

Mind you, my sister also regularly tells versions of childhood events that are absolutely not true and usually paint other people in a worse light than the reality.

So refreshing to read a few posters who are prepared to acknowledge that they were not the best parents.So many posters on here maintain they now have a 'good' relationship with their own abusive parents and presumably allow these abusive parents to care for their grandchildren. Unless you challenge it, you are accepting it and air brushing it out of sight.
I wonder how many MN posters twenty years hence will be complaining about their own parents who are right now filling MN with stories about what great mothers they are.

It's incredibly common, perhaps even the norm, for parents and adult children to perceive childhood events differently for all sorts of reasons (the child saw and processed events as a child, without full understanding, the parent will remember things in the light of how they perceived it which won't include how things appeared to the child, and so on). So eg an event which the parents might remember as "it had been a tough day- red bills in the post, DC was grouchy all day, I'd tried my best but then when DC spilled their drink after I'd reminded them to be careful and ruined a top that I couldn't afford to replace, I lost my rag" might be remembered by the child as "mum went crazy because I spilled a drink and I was very scared". Both recollections are true but neither captures how things were for both parties accurately.

Sounds like your parents were harsher than the average, OP. I haven't posted the above to minimise what they did but more just as an example of how memories genuinely differ and that yours isn't invalid because it conflicts with theirs.

My mum was really quite abusive emotionally and physically when we were young due to mental health issues she never got help with. I can remember many occasions of being backed into a corner by my mum whilst being repeatedly slapped around the face, her face angry and red staring down at me menacingly when I was small. Being picked up by my hair and thrown, having soap shoved into my mouth. She even chased my brother and I up the stairs with a knife screaming she would stab the pair of us, we were 7 and 9 at the time, I remember the exact day and our ages as it was the morning of my younger sisters christening. There was loads more and loads of emotional stuff too.

she remembers none of it really. Or if she does she’ll never admit it. We get on ok. I can’t hate her for what she did as she was ill. I do resent her not seeking help and letting it ruin our childhoods. My dad has very little idea about what she was like as he worked two jobs due to her spending habits. She was better when he was at home. I’ve tried to address some of it with her as an adult but she just starts crying and trying to play the victim so I don’t bother. I’m ok unless she tries critique my parenting or draw compressions between us. I’m not a perfect parent but im a damn sight better than she was or is.

As well as minimising any bad events it's made me laugh seeing how DM remembers our childhoods now grandchildren are on the scene - according to her none of her DC ever cried, never woke in the night, never made noise at home and were always sat quietly with a book etc, etc.

It's hard to live up to the memory of her superior parenting 🙄

This.

I try to think that my parents did the best they could with the resources they had available....be that financial, emotional etc

I consciously try to do things differently with my kids. Have tried so hard to be better but I am sure there will be things they look back at and think wtf

I suspect it’s because they had to do a lot to help too as children.
I also used to have to help with the ironing as a small kid.
I hated my dad and brothers shirts, and sock pairing. And I guess my mother did too.

I agree with this too.
My mother could be frightening, so if I did break something, I was so upset over it,she wouldn’t tell me off, and she has said this to me and others as an adult.

I can relate to this. But in my instance my mum was incredibly stressed trying her best to make ends meet with two stressful jobs, her cup was massively over flowing. I do try to meet it with kindness and understanding.

Yes. My dad died when I was 21. He was a bastard to my mum. We had heard him hitting her. He was moody. We would leave the room if he entered. Us children never felt 'loved' by him in any way shape or form.

He was a chauvinistic pig. Add also racist.

My mum done an amazing job of bringing us up basically single handedly, although my dad was a grafter and was always in work. We were poor growing up, but mum made sure we had tonnes of love and everything we needed.

I don't really have any happy memories of my dad or is as a family. Yet my mum is always trying to tell stories of funny things that happened or stuff that paints him in a good light.

None of us can really remember him being anything but an absolute twat and I think my mum feels a bit of guilt for staying with him, even though she was a victim in reality.

I think it helps her to reframe it.

She's 76 now and unfortunately, her wonderful husband has recently passed. He absolutely adored her and they had a wonderful life together and he treated her as she deserved to be treated. Like the absolute queen that she is.

So at her age and after the shit she's been through, I've stopped protesting when she says nice stuff about my dad, as I don't wish her to feel bad or guilty.

Sorry, that was long 😂

And I hope my kids forgive my monumental parenting fuck ups I’ve displayed over the years 😂

A slightly lighter story from my childhood. I am 79 now, was an only child of loved and loving parents. One day when I was 12 I went shopping with a friend after school. I didn’t tell mum and sauntered home about two hours late to find mum beside herself with worry. She grabbed a sweeping brush and yelled at me to get upstairs. I raced up and she came to the bottom of the stairs brandishing the brush and yelling,” Come here and I’ll kill you!”
I was a bit scared and got the giggles with nerves then mum threw the brush up the stairs and shouted,”Oh do it yourself!!” We both sat on the stairs laughing and crying and I never was late home again. Mum died in 1993 and we often talked about the day she told me to kill myself with the sweeping brush. I was lucky in my parents and my extended family. I always wanted to be as good a mother as my mum was to me.

Totally. My DM talks about how awful her mother was to her and sometimes the behaviours she describes are exactly like her. No insight. We have blind spots I guess.

I think my dad did the best with the resources he had. He wasn’t perfect but fairly typical of the time and I was never scared of him. He’s always put us first.

I don’t feel the same about my mum. She was mentally ill but chose not t seek help and was abusive. I have a relationship with her as she was ill, but the fact that she chose not to cope and be abusive over seeking support for her mental health issues still hurts. She never, ever put us first. Even though she will always make a big song and dance about how she always did.

That Carol Ann Duffy poem is powerful.

I was unhappy for most of my childhood. My parents think I had a happy childhood.

I think my parents lacked the emotional resources - and learning more about their parents helped me see it from their perspective. For me, they are just people without certain skills and that hurt me in various ways.
They can’t really understand it from my perspective and become very defensive.

As a parent it’s made me mindful of the need to own my own issues and mistakes. Like any parent I will make mistakes but my kids need to know it wasn’t their fault or problem.

My mum was terrifying. We all, including my dad, tiptoed around her. She is still very hard work and has no clue how she comes across.

She makes unpleasant comments and I think she thinks she is being funny but it's just mean. I am very detached now.

I would hate for my kids to feel this way about me.

Yes, my mum has selective memory as well.

Completely agree up, OP. My DM shouted, and DF hit us (two girls). Looking back, we weren’t even bad kids. Despite both of them being at home every evening and weekend, they never really interacted with us. We made our own entertainment.

I remember DF hitting my sister repeatedly: she was about 6/7 at the time, and I was traumatised. DM just stood there watching. I can’t imagine ever letting my partner hit my child the way they did. DM was always proud that we were well-behaved in company, but truth was, we were terrified to misbehave. If one of my DC misbehaves, I deal with it. When DH comes home from work, I don’t even mention it.

If we miss behaved as children, DM would scream and shout at us, and then later, when dad got home, she would tell him and get him to hit us.

My sister has an upsetting memory of my Dad slapping her…By all accounts he gave her a few slaps but didn't hurt her, just once after she did something particularly naughty.

Well, clearly he did hurt her as she still remembers it and finds it upsetting. Saying that he didn’t hurt her is minimising and enabling. No child ever does anything naughty enough to deserve being slapped. Ever.

According to my mum, I had an amazing childhood, every need catered for and I was the major disappointment, lazy, fat and stupid child.

My own memory of childhood is completely different, I had a mum that couldn't express love but could express anger in forms of throwing things: knives, plates, cups and anything you cared about. I was exposed to abusive uncle and never alllowed to mention it because children should be seen and not heard.

I really hope my children have had a loving, kind and happy childhood and know that I have tried my best.

My parents, my dad in particular, were often very self-congratulatory about being 'good' or 'liberal' parents, even at the time. In actual fact, they were hideously strict, to the point that we would cry for hours if we broke something for fear of their reaction. We were far too scared to contradict them over their rose tinted view of their parenting skills.

They weren't bad parents at all, but I don't think they realised how others parented. I also don't think they quite got how lucky they were with us as daughters. They made a lpt of how hard we were but quite a few times, we'd see how friends dared to speak to their parents and marvel at how they had the nerve.

Recently, my DM was talking about how we DC were when we were younger. 'You were all SO good' she said. 'Yes, we were too fucking terrified to step out of line, that's why', I replied. She laughed. She thought I was joking.