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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if your parents also do this...

175 replies

seenisambol · 09/12/2023 07:53

I grew up in a zero tolerance home environment. If my brother or I broke the rules (e.g. the living room was messy, we'd forgotten to empty the dishwasher) we'd be met with shouting and aggression and we'd end up in our bedrooms in tears. I remember when my brother was 11 he broke a lamp and cried for 3 hours before my dad got home as he was so worried about what he'd do.

I've had a good relationship with my parents ever since I left home 20 years ago. They're also now retired and far less stressed, which I think was a big part of the problem.

However one thing I really struggle with is their selective memory of my childhood. There's been times when I or my brother have referred to a minor incident (we would never talk about the really bad ones) and they say things like "What?! Don't be ridiculous!" or "I'd never say something like that! If I did then that's awful".

Has anyone else experienced this? Have they really blanked out everything that happened? Or are they too embarrassed to talk about it? This wasn't just one or two incidents, this was the backdrop of my childhood so I find it so hard to understand how they could have no memory of it.

OP posts:
Random30 · 09/12/2023 11:39

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 11:28

Abusers don’t reflect with compassion or regret or have insight. If they did then they wouldn’t be abusers. Living in fear crying for 3 hours about breaking a lamp sounds like a child living in an abusive household.

I think you are wrong- I believe abusers take pleasure in the distress they cause others. It is for them an essential tool for self-soothing.

Abusers like doing it.

SplendidUtterly · 09/12/2023 11:46

If they have all their faculties, then they remember.
It's either shame or they legitimately don't care and feign memory loss.

SmokeyToo · 09/12/2023 11:47

I've given up trying to talk with my Mum about her behaviour throughout my life. She's an incredibly mean and cruel woman and some of the things she's said to me have stayed with me all my life and have done untold damage to my mental health.

I love her because she's my mother, but I recently said to my brother that when she dies, I'm going to have a VERY hard time finding anything nice to say about her at her funeral.

Wiccan · 09/12/2023 11:50

feralunderclass · 09/12/2023 11:25

This. We are in a culture now where it is considered appropriate to acknowledge problems, talk about them and expect an apology. This was certainly not the case 30+ years ago. Dare I say it, but 'trauma' and 'toxic parenting' are taken too far at times, like we are encouraged to look for it/blame issues we have on this. A decade ago you might not have got on great with your parent, but now it is called toxicity. I cringe when I read on here posters saying they are a much better parent than their own parents were, our kids are going to be recalling their traumas, toxic parents and be in therapy for years. It's the culture now.

Show quote history

I agree , I'm sick of hearing the word toxic . My daughter's uses this term as a punishment to anyone who doesn't agree with her " Oh you're just being toxic to me".
My Father genuinely was a bastard , but even though my mum got a lot of her parenting wrong I could see what a broken mess she was , the result of being crushed by misogyny. My mum didn't know what misogyny was . I didn't know what PTSD was until I was diagnosed with it . But my daughter's generation not only want understanding and apology but also expect punishment and compensation . I have tried to explain to her that she will experience the same . Her kids will think she did something wrong because societies attitude will change again concerning parenting.

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 09/12/2023 11:54

Yes my parents do this, my Mum in particular. Her thing is about how much she played with us (she hates the fact that I work so this gets rolled out a lot). She will say how she always prioritised us, always played with us then would have to spend all night after we went to bed cleaning and doing household things. How after school she would be playing with us all evening.

None of this is true though. I don’t remember her ever playing with us, not even a single time. All of my memories of her from very early childhood are of her scrubbing the kitchen, cooking etc, and shouting at us for getting underfoot or asking for something because didn’t we know that she had to have dinner ready by five on the dot (for some unknown reason), couldn’t we see she had to scrub the steps (this was the 80’s btw not 1940’s wartime), couldn’t we give her one moments peace, she wished she could run away from us etc. etc.

I think a lot of parents just make up a narrative in their head to justify themselves (and in my Mums case to be used to judge me). I try to avoid her as much as I can these days tbh.

AhhSlippedOnMahBeansRitaaa · 09/12/2023 11:56

This topic always reminds me of this poem.

To ask if your parents also do this...
foulksmills · 09/12/2023 12:00

Well, yes. At first, when reading your post, I thought your question was; Are all parents so aggressive that you'd be shaking in fear and terrified like you described your brother was. And in that case no, that's not normal at all.

But you're asking about selective memories and denying things that happened and I think yes, that's probably fairly normal.

My mum recently commented under a Facebook post about it's awful to smack a child and there's never any excuse etc. I presume she's forgotten the few times she smacked me a few decades ago.

Coolhwip · 09/12/2023 12:00

A lot of these parents described on this thread are abusive. I can’t understand why you all aren’t no contact or at least very low contact with them.

Is it a psychological reason like co-dependency? Is it because they are financially generous so you feel obligated to have relationships with them?

MammaTo · 09/12/2023 12:01

Same! My dad ruled by fear, openly says up until the age of 7-8 a kid needs to be scared of a parent so they behave 🙃. Much better relationship now I’ve moved out but he doesn’t remember some of the awful
things he’s said to me over the years. Neither does my mum. Sometimes it would be nice for it to be acknowledged and an apology or an explanation given.

Wiccan · 09/12/2023 12:01

AhhSlippedOnMahBeansRitaaa · 09/12/2023 11:56

This topic always reminds me of this poem.

I think that says it all . 👍

Ladyofthelake53 · 09/12/2023 12:04

I have resentment issues towards my mother for comments made when i had PND after my first child.

Various other comments throughout my life including when i lost my husband very suddenly, which conveniently she doesnt remember.

Lost my father November last year now im expected to be the dutiful daughter. Two brothers conveniently too far away to help so its all on me

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/12/2023 12:05

It's entirely possible that they don't remember a lot of it @seenisambol

Memory is tied quite strongly to emotion, the stronger the emotion the more likely you are to form a long term memory about it.

I can't remember what I had for dinner a week last Thursday, but I remember that I stubbed my toe on the door frame and it hurt like fuck.

I remember exactly what DP was wearing the night I met her, but I couldn't tell you what she has on right now, and I saw her 5 minutes ago.

So for your brother, "the day he smashed the lamp" is a core memory, because the emotions he felt were so strong. But for your parents, it was Tuesday.*

None of this means that what happened to you or your brother is OK, but it does mean that your parents may not be actively gaslighting you about it now. That doesn't mean you have to put up with their version of events. You can tell them exactly how they made you feel.

*If anyone can work out what god-awful film I was paraphrasing a quote from here, I will give you a shiny no-prize.

BronteSisters · 09/12/2023 12:07

My mum was Miss Honey from Matilda apparently. According to her.

Nope. Rhea Perlman's Mrs Wormwood would be more accurate.

Children didn't matter to her except outside appearances. Her Facebook has her the most devoted granny ever. In reality, despite living nearby, she hardly sees them and doesn't go out of her way to make any of us feel particularly welcome or wanted on visits.

I recall vividly a time in the 90's when we had nothing in to eat for days except eggs from a local farm friend or frozen veggies. Mum ate at work during the day and wasn't hungry at teatime living off fags and coffees. Teen sis and I were hungry though and told to sort ourselves out from what was in the kitchen. There wasn't anything so we boiled up half a dozen eggs and the day after it was a bowl of microwaved peas and sweetcorn with some margarine. I could understand had we been poor but we weren't. Far from it.

I now have the most overstocked kitchen imaginable and my kids will never ever go hungry. It's a wonder they're not overweight but I not only feed them well but it's home cooked and often healthy.

Sanguinello · 09/12/2023 12:08

Yes, I think this is quite common unfortunately. Mine are the same. It's good that you and your brother are on the same page so you have an ally and someone to sound off to. It also sounds like they treated you equally (but horribly)
My sister was my mum's golden child who could do no wrong and I was her scapegoat. We used to get on but have really grown apart as adults as she wants to play happy families with my parents but I'm less keen and she refuses to accept this.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/12/2023 12:09

seenisambol · 09/12/2023 07:53

I grew up in a zero tolerance home environment. If my brother or I broke the rules (e.g. the living room was messy, we'd forgotten to empty the dishwasher) we'd be met with shouting and aggression and we'd end up in our bedrooms in tears. I remember when my brother was 11 he broke a lamp and cried for 3 hours before my dad got home as he was so worried about what he'd do.

I've had a good relationship with my parents ever since I left home 20 years ago. They're also now retired and far less stressed, which I think was a big part of the problem.

However one thing I really struggle with is their selective memory of my childhood. There's been times when I or my brother have referred to a minor incident (we would never talk about the really bad ones) and they say things like "What?! Don't be ridiculous!" or "I'd never say something like that! If I did then that's awful".

Has anyone else experienced this? Have they really blanked out everything that happened? Or are they too embarrassed to talk about it? This wasn't just one or two incidents, this was the backdrop of my childhood so I find it so hard to understand how they could have no memory of it.

Yes! My mother (she died 6 years ago) was really quite brutal in her approach to parenting.

The revisionism she engaged in long after we were grown up was quite astonishing.

Chiar · 09/12/2023 12:10

@RidingMyBike I think you're spot on about apologising. It just wasn't in so many families' culture back then, much like the concept of not smacking wasn't a serious consideration.

SouthEastCoast · 09/12/2023 12:11

Ha! My mum abandoned us when we were small for good and now thinks she was a great mum.

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 12:12

@noooooooo arch revisionists, nailed it

Chiar · 09/12/2023 12:14

notanothernana · 09/12/2023 08:14

My parents don't always remember stuff but, and a big but, they will consider it as the truth. They believe me.

That must be very powerful. I wonder how common it is.

VikingLady · 09/12/2023 12:19

If they admit they did it, they have to admit out loud that they were bad parents, and see themselves as bad people. Clearly they aren't strong enough to do that. They'd prefer to live in denial, so they can think well of themselves.

If they had stronger characters they'd acknowledge what they did, be sorry for it and apologise. And hopefully explain. But if they aren't able to cope with criticism they won't be able to do that.

Coolhwip · 09/12/2023 12:22

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/12/2023 12:05

It's entirely possible that they don't remember a lot of it @seenisambol

Memory is tied quite strongly to emotion, the stronger the emotion the more likely you are to form a long term memory about it.

I can't remember what I had for dinner a week last Thursday, but I remember that I stubbed my toe on the door frame and it hurt like fuck.

I remember exactly what DP was wearing the night I met her, but I couldn't tell you what she has on right now, and I saw her 5 minutes ago.

So for your brother, "the day he smashed the lamp" is a core memory, because the emotions he felt were so strong. But for your parents, it was Tuesday.*

None of this means that what happened to you or your brother is OK, but it does mean that your parents may not be actively gaslighting you about it now. That doesn't mean you have to put up with their version of events. You can tell them exactly how they made you feel.

*If anyone can work out what god-awful film I was paraphrasing a quote from here, I will give you a shiny no-prize.

This is actually really dismissive. Of course they remember, don’t let abusers get away with the ‘I don’t remember’ defence.

Nonimai · 09/12/2023 12:27

I had two alcoholic parents . My mother is still ashamed of me because I’m fat.she can’t bear to look at me. I have done everything I could do (single working parent)with my daughter and son.son had happy childhood, but when my daughter reached puberty things became really difficult. She now says I didn’t protect her enough. I didn’t spend enough time with her. I loved my son more. Basically I screwed her up. This was all after the age of 12. Is this something a parent can control?

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/12/2023 12:27

My parents also have "selective" memory. It's funny how it's always the bad things they don't remember and not the happy things.

I haven't decided whether it's deliberate gaslighting or they genuinely don't remember. I almost wish it was the first, because I think treating your children badly and then forgetting about it or thinking it didn't matter is worse (and I know like other have put on this thread, I constantly beat myself up about the times I lost it/got it badly wrong with my own DC).

I think treating your children badly and not owning or apologising for it is abusive. And it's sad to see that this behaviour has been normalised as "not that bad" by so many on this thread. (not blaming the posters; they've been conditioned to think of it as normal and it's really hard to move away from realising it's not).

NotInvisible · 09/12/2023 12:32

Yep. I've been through the exact same thing. My sister is usually the one who brings it up and often gets the 'I never did that', comments.

FreeRider · 09/12/2023 12:32

@seenisambol Yep. My mother has rewritten family history in a way that Stalin would have been proud of.

Totally denies stuff that happens, has even made out that when I was 14 we lived in another (better) house on the same street to the one we actually did...even though thanks to school registration records from the time now being online the correct address is easily found!

Drives me fucking mental. The worst part is if either myself or my two brothers even vaguely suggest that our childhood was shit - it was, according to both my psychiatrist and psychologist...I'm being treated for C-PTSD - she gets very nasty and makes sarcastic bitchy comments like 'yes we made you walk 10 miles to school barefoot and had you working down the mines'

It is gaslighting and in mother's case a sheer inability to put herself in someone else's shoes...she's a raging narcissist (both my parents are). I've been low contact with my mother for 26 years and no contact with my father for 34 years.