To send a bereaved person a Christmas card?

[ToSendOrNot]

Unfortunately several people I know have had a close family relative die this year. I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to send them a Christmas card or not. Could it anger them if I send one and they might think it’s callous like life goes on? If I don’t send one will they think I’m avoiding /ignoring them?

YABU - don’t send one.

YANBU - send one as normal. (If this option, what should I write in it)

last year when in this position I found there is a small section in the card shop dedicated to the bereaved at Christmastime, in hindsight I don’t know why I was surprised as cards manufacturers seem to have something for every occasion covered.

failing that just a thinking of you at Christmas rather than anything highlighting best Christmas ever.

I would send them. Grief can be lonely and isolating and it's always nice to know someone has remembered you. Put a thoughtful message inside acknowledging that you know it might be difficult and you are thinking of them. And, as previous posters have said, make sure the image on the front is not frivolous and tactless. (Wintery Christmas scenes are always a safe bet.)

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Your advice has really helped. I will go with the majority and get a subtle card and write a subtle message. It’s hard to know what to do in these awful situations. The last thing I want to do is upset someone further.

I’m so sorry so many of you have had bereavements, and some of you quite recently too. I hope none of you found this thread too triggering. I appreciate you sharing your experiences to help me work out the best path to take 💐

They might be feeling grief stricken though! A thoughtful, kind message is lovely, a standard, festive card is just tactless.
7 years since I lost my child. I am still mourning. I doubt I will ever stop.
What an insensitive post.

My dad died in December two years ago. I fully expected to keep on getting Christmas cards as default, and everybody did. For me, it would have felt worse if I didn't get the normality of the usual Christmas cards. It would have felt like a snub or exclusion.

Everyone sent sympathy cards separately. That's what I'd do: a normal Christmas card with plain names and no special message, and a separate sympathy with everything you want to say in it. Maybe send the sympathy card off first and the xmas card a couple of days later.

I'd send as normal, but pop a little additional line, something to the effect of "thinking of you and the family this Christmas, wishing you happier days ahead."

That being said, there is a difference between a loss in January and a loss in November, in terms of what you might say.

If you must send one then send a blank one with a wintery not Christmas scene and send no Christmas related message but tell them they are in your thoughts at this time of year.
You can actually buy Christmas cards for bereaved people.

I found some ‘thinking of you’ cards on Moonpig one of which was two robins sitting on holly. So a Christmas scene without all of the Merry Christmas greetings.
So I have sent one of those to a friend in a similar situation.

I appreciated people to wrote things like that. Hope you have a peaceful/gentle/Remembering xxx and xxx at Christmas etc. It felt like they were acknowledging the sadness. I most appreciated people who wrote/wrote their name(s).

Sending love, two of mine died at Christmas and keeping going and faking it for my living child was the only thing that got me through each day. 🤍

7 years since I lost my child too. This is the first Christmas since I'm almost looking forward to, though it still hurts. We went to look at Christmas lights this week and I wondered which my child would have liked best.

Please send them a card but being mindful of the tone of message. You can get cards with appropriate sentiments.

Send the card. Acknowledge their loss.
My partner died in Sept, and the worst thing in the world is people who don't know what to say (understandably), acting like he never existed.

Send one.

My mum died just before Christmas a couple of years ago, and although I was very sad, I still wanted Christmas to carry on 🙂

My brother and I opened all the Christmas cards that had arrived for her (posted before she died!)- my mum had not been in good health and a lot of the messages were 'Hoping you have a healthier new year' and ' Fingers crossed you feel a lot better in 2022' etc. To be honest, we had quite a giggle over it - nobody could have known and we appreciated the irony!

@minmooch I’m so very sorry.

Christmas must be so hard. I’m writing a card at the moment to someone who lost their child two years ago. I was going to write - the card is an appropriate one and blank - Festive greetings - with love to you all and with X always in our minds.

I wondered if you’d mind saying if you’d find that appropriate. I’m sorry to derail the thread and of course it’s not up to you to organise other people’s messages but I thought I’d ask.

Yes, send a card.
Do not unthinkingly wish them a Happy Christmas though, it’s truly jarring to open a card like that.
Something more personal to their circumstances.
I usually wish them a peaceful Christmas.

I've lost a child and I would find that appropriate. We found the second Christmas harder in some ways.

Do send one. One of the worst things about bereavement is the isolation. People are so afraid of saying the wrong thing they avoid you. So you end up with no one.
Send a nice card saying you’re thinking of them.

Thank you @onlysortoflikegardening

I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope this Christmas is a peaceful one.

When iv sent a card iv chosen one that doesn't gave 'Happy Christmas ' flashed all over the front, or a similar greeting inside.
Just one with a fairly neutral Christmas scene, holly and Robin's and say 'Thinking of you '

Definitely send one

My best friend lost her DH two months ago. We exchanged Christmas cards today. It would seem beyond odd not to.

As a recently bereaved person, it will really piss me off if I get no cards. If you are worried about the message ( I agree “have the most fabulous Christmas” would be a bit off) just send ones which are blank inside, with love from you

Please don't label me as insensitive because my views differ from your own - that in itself is also I sensitive. I was speaking from my own experience of my own loss, and personally I wanted things to go on. Don't seek to single me out, and invalidate my own experience because it didn't match your own.

@DRS1970 You didn’t just refer to your own experience though - you projected it onto everyone. I assure you, some people do still observe mourning periods.

However, as we all know, life’s too short. Not worth quibbling over. I am so, so sorry you too understand what the pain of grief feels like. :(

I am really hoping I don’t get any Christmas cards at all this year after reading what everyone has posted.

I just want normal cards, wishing me a Happy Christmas. I don’t want all the “thinking about”, “remembering X” messages. That’s too much.