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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send a bereaved person a Christmas card?

126 replies

ToSendOrNot · 08/12/2023 07:25

Unfortunately several people I know have had a close family relative die this year. I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to send them a Christmas card or not. Could it anger them if I send one and they might think it’s callous like life goes on? If I don’t send one will they think I’m avoiding /ignoring them?

YABU - don’t send one.

YANBU - send one as normal. (If this option, what should I write in it)

OP posts:

Freysimo · 08/12/2023 08:02

To any bereaved friends/relatives I send a card which says ".........and remembering John (or whoever)". Please do send a card, it means so much to see a loved one's name. My son died many years ago and few people put his name on their cards, which is sad.

onlysortoflikegardening · 08/12/2023 08:04

I appreciated getting cards that acknowledged the missing person and that they were thinking of us at Christmas. I even got one that said, I hope your Christmas isn't too awful. Or appreciated the ones where people acknowledged it wouldn't be easy.

The ones that wished us a happy Christmas I found a bit insensitive. I mean, like anyone could possibly expect it to be anything other than awful?

KinS24 · 08/12/2023 08:07

Yes. Just choose it carefully.
I remember FIL absolutely raging at the cards that were Merry Christmas or jokey and cartoony a few weeks after he was widowed.
Just choose a blank and peaceful image but do send one.

MumblesParty · 08/12/2023 08:09

A friend of mine’s son died just before Christmas 4 years ago. I know they still celebrate Christmas and have family round etc, so I still send a card. But I find it impossible to write their names minus his name, so I tend not to write any names at all. I just put their surname on the front of the envelope (The Smith Family) and not write any name inside at all, just a chatty message.

QueSyrahSyrah · 08/12/2023 08:11

I sent one to a friend in the same position, but I spent some time looking for the right one rather than the very jolly 'tis the season' ones I'd bought as a multipack.

In the end settled on one with quite a muted design that just said 'with love from our house to yours at Christmas' and then wrote that we were thinking of them and sending our best wishes.

YireosDodeAver · 08/12/2023 08:14

Of course you send one. Use discretion in the printed message - "Season's Greetings" may be better than "Joy to the World". What you write is:

"Wishing you peace and sending you love this difficult Christmas. Thinking of you and remembering [name of deceased] with love"

DancingFlamingo · 08/12/2023 08:17

I would write “with love for the festive season” and maybe something about looking forward to seeing them soon if that’s your relationship.
So no Merrys or Happys anywhere but not directly referencing their loss.
I absolutely think it’s lovely to send one, immediately showing you are thinking of them.

gotomomo · 08/12/2023 08:24

Send a card with some variation on "thinking of you this Christmastime" written in it. If possible avoid cards with happy Christmas written in instead the more bland "seasons greetings" is preferable as a preprinted message

onlysortoflikegardening · 08/12/2023 08:26

DancingFlamingo · 08/12/2023 08:17

I'd avoid the word festive. It suggests celebration and that I'll be having fun.

Directly referencing the loss is very appropriate. I appreciated the cards that did so.

TitInATrance · 08/12/2023 08:30

Do send one even if you’re otherwise doing the blanket “no cards “ thing. It’s a comfort to know people haven’t forgotten you and I’d have taken it very badly if I’d thought people had dropped me.
Season’s greetings / Thinking of you at Christmas and ‘best wishes’ is perfectly acceptable if you don’t want to write anything more personal.

ChaToilLeam · 08/12/2023 08:31

A thoughtful card and message would be much appreciated, I am sure. Nothing jolly or jokey. I am sending one to my colleague who recently lost her mum, am wishing her and her family a peaceful Christmas.

KimberleyClark · 08/12/2023 08:33

I would say “thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful Christmas” in these circumstances. And an understated card.

mondaytosunday · 08/12/2023 08:34

As sone one who lost their father one year in December and the following year my husband also shortly before I would love to get Christmas cards. A short note along the lines of 'thinking of you' would be fine. Maybe avoid a totally joyful bouncing Santa but a calm winter scene is good.
Thinking you've been abandoned by everyone is real - if I didn't get cards from people I normally would I'd really wonder why.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/12/2023 08:36

I think it depends on how well you know the person. If unsure I tend to send a thinking of you card.

Mumsnut · 08/12/2023 08:38

You can get special bereavement Christmas cards. Usually say something like ‘Thinking of you this Christmas’.

onlysortoflikegardening · 08/12/2023 08:39

KimberleyClark · 08/12/2023 08:33

I would say “thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful Christmas” in these circumstances. And an understated card.

It was anything but a peaceful Christmas when my child died. It was dread and turmoil and trying hard to fake it for the other kids. Depending on the loss, it's not likely to be peaceful.

IGotItFromAgnes · 08/12/2023 08:40

I think this is something where you really need to know your audience.

My father died earlier this year. I would hate any kind of “bereavement” Christmas card or one that references his death (as would my mother). Just send a normal card. Funny ones are fine. We will be thinking of him. We don’t need to have cards reminding us he’s gone.

UniversalAunt · 08/12/2023 08:52

The first Christmas (& birthdays) after losing someone can very poignant & sad, so it all the more thoughtful to send a suitable/neutral with a warm message that they are in your thoughts.

Stephisaur · 08/12/2023 08:59

Dear X

Thinking of you this Christmas

From/Love Y

AMuser · 08/12/2023 09:02

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/12/2023 07:27

Send one but be mindful of the picture and the message you write.

My father died at Christmas and we were getting cards through the post and some of them were Christmas cards and some sympathy cards. Weird time.

Yes just be mindful. My mum died quite young in December. I still remember so clearly getting a Christmas card from a close friend (we were in our 30s) saying “have a fantastic Christmas!!!” Er probably not love. But thanks

DancingFlamingo · 08/12/2023 09:04

Good point about the word festive, and that’s helpful to know you preferred the reference to your loved one. I took the approach of not having a direct reminder in the card, but I guess at times like this reminder or not it’s always in your mind 😔

Artichoke88 · 08/12/2023 09:05

Send them a non-Christmassy card with a few well chosen and kind words in. Do not wish them a happy Christmas as you know it can't be. Perhaps use words such as peaceful Christmas etc

AtomicBlondeRose · 08/12/2023 09:05

I agree it’s about knowing your audience. My dad died last year and we still had a merry and festive Christmas - we were sad, and it was hard as the funeral was just before Christmas too, but we still had a nice time as a family.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/12/2023 09:11

I’d send one, perhaps blank inside and not too Christmassy, to say I’m thinking of them.
I found some suitable charity ones this year, just a photo of a bullfinch in the snow, blank inside, sold in aid of the National Autistic Society.

VikingLady · 08/12/2023 09:15

Send it.

My dad died just before Christmas a few years back. A lot of people avoided us afterwards out of social awkwardness and it just added to the loneliness. My mum hasn't got over that almost fifteen years later.

You can add a note about hoping it's as good as it can be if you like, but blank with just your name is fine - ANYTHING is better than avoidance.

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