To send a bereaved person a Christmas card?

[ToSendOrNot]

Unfortunately several people I know have had a close family relative die this year. I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to send them a Christmas card or not. Could it anger them if I send one and they might think it’s callous like life goes on? If I don’t send one will they think I’m avoiding /ignoring them?

YABU - don’t send one.

YANBU - send one as normal. (If this option, what should I write in it)

If you use Moonpig or similar they usually have ones that say “thinking of you at a difficult time of year” and things like that. It means you don’t have to think too much about what you write and it acknowledges that Christmas is a hard time no matter what time of year the person passed away

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

No, you don't send a recently bereaved person a Christmas card.

They might be lonely, and it will be nice to receive a card.
buy a plain one and write that your thoughts are with them.

Your view seems to differ from everyone else's including people who have been bereaved. Can you explain why you say this? Assuming the choice of card and message are appropriate as per suggestions from pp.

Send a card, but as other PPs have said, carefully consider the card and wording.

you get cards specifically saying things along the lines of thinking of you at Christmas, or send a nice blank card that you can write in yourself.

it doesn’t have to be long, just a couple of lines, I’m sure they will be very touched to know that you are thinking of them.

I will be so sad if no-one sends me a card because I just lost my Mum. That is like people crossing the road so they don't have to say anything.

Exactly.

Why might you even think of not sending one? I lost my OH 3.5 years ago and everyone sent me Xmas cards and have continued to do so. I absolutely cannot imagine why you wouldn't.

Obviously you won't write in it "Have a jolly time", but something more appropriate like "Thinking of you this Christmas."

One of the saddest things that happens when you lose a partner is that people tiptoe around you, stop inviting you to things and generally behave as if you are a freak. Stick with what you would normally do, but adapt your message accordingly. And never stop inviting them to thing that you would have invited them to as a couple. You have no idea how much that hurts.

Send one, but be mindful of the card picture, and write something that acknowledges their loss

Duplicate post.

I always send one but with an appropriate picture and a thoughtful note inside.

I doubt they'll even register them if they're grieving, but seems kinder than not sending one and giving the impression you've forgotten them.

Absolutely send one. People who avoided me made me sadder than I already was, and not sending Christmas cards was another form of avoidance. It took me a long time to forgive those people - which was unfair, but I’m just being honest here. I’ve forgiven them now and realise they just didn’t know what to do. But at the time it was horrible.

Write one and send one, it shows that you care and you're thinking of them at a tough time of year.
I was bereaved a couple of years ago and I really appreciated receiving cards that Christmas.

@ToSendOrNot Please send one and just add a little note about the person who has passed being in your thoughts etc. My dad died in the summer and I’d hate the thought of my mum not getting Christmas cards because people are worried about upsetting her. I know you are trying to be thoughtful but the widowed person will already be feeling upset at this time of year and will be glad to know you have thought of them.

As you can see from this thread, some people will take offence at the mildest of phrases or words. But I think that most people would be comforted by a less "joyous" card with a thoughtful personal message.

Haven't read all the comments but my Dad died very recently and was young. As a family we have all noticed that when people don't know what to say they choose to avoid it instead. Mum would agree that she'd rather have a card that got it a bit wrong than to not be contacted at all. I'm sure it's not the same for every family though. Life DOES go on. I don't think you need to overthink it too much, but a personal message inside saying something along the lines of "thinking of you this Christmas, hope that next year is a better one for you" would work well.

Absolutely send a Christmas card. It's awful to be ignored because people are scared to say the wrong thing. But write a personal message, even if it is just to say you are thinking of them. And maybe choose something more subdued like a winter scene and a not too jolly greeting in side!

Even if you do see the wrong thing unintentionally, at least people will know you've tried. I got a few of those and just thought they clearly didn't understand what it was like, but I did recognise they tried. The only ones I found a bit rude were the ones that said 'have a great Christmas', or something like that. No thought at all in something like that, quite the opposite.

I would send one with a message like ‘Dear X, sending you love and best wishes, Y’

if you avoid any phrases about being merry / jolly / happy etc I think it would be fine, and better than ignoring them completely.

In those circumstances I tend to go with a plainish card as opposed to "merry Christmas "
You can get some cards that have Thinking of you at Christmas

Just treat them as normal, and send a card like you normally would. I don't think anyone observes periods of mourning anymore.

“Thinking of you this Christmas time. [Departed’s name] will be very much missed. I hope you can have a restful break and 2024 brings you peace, health and some brighter times.

Love and thoughts, [insert your name]”

I'm very recently bereaved, to the point that this thread made me cry. (It really doesn't take much to set me off at the moment!)

One of my friends sent a Christmas card the other day. She wrote inside 'We'll be raising a glass to XX this year and thinking of you.'

It was the perfect thing to say, and it also made me cry (in a good way). It showed she hadn't forgotten and she was thinking of me in the middle of her usual festivities.

My life has changed forever for the worse. I don't expect other people's lives to also stop, but it's nice to hear that they are taking a moment out of her usual busy Christmass-y things to acknowledge my loss.

Just don't expect a card back from me. Send to send, but don't send to receive. I... just can't.

I think it would be really hurtful not to send a Christmas card, but obviously be careful about the words in the card you send and include a suitable comment.