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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a bereaved person a Christmas card?

126 replies

ToSendOrNot · 08/12/2023 07:25

Unfortunately several people I know have had a close family relative die this year. I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to send them a Christmas card or not. Could it anger them if I send one and they might think it’s callous like life goes on? If I don’t send one will they think I’m avoiding /ignoring them?

YABU - don’t send one.

YANBU - send one as normal. (If this option, what should I write in it)

OP posts:
Nowtbettertodo · 08/12/2023 10:56

You can get 'thinking of you at Christmas' cards. This is what I send them just write a nice personal note inside.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 08/12/2023 10:58

My Dad was in a hospice this time last year, and honestly some of the cards we had were so full of cheer that I wanted to rip them apart. The ones I've kept were the "thinking of you this Christmas" ones that had a nice message in, something personal.

It's our first Christmas without him this year, and honestly, I'm dreading it but I also think we need "normal" more than ever so Christmas cards aren't a bad thing at all.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 08/12/2023 11:01

I would send one but as PP has said, change the wording to acknowledge their bereavement and the fact it might be difficult but that you are thinking of them/sending love? (as appropriate, I suppose it depends on how close you are?) Also agree with making sure it's a nice design, but not a flashy jolly one. Think deer's in the snow, not laughing Santa.

BIossomtoes · 08/12/2023 11:02

I divorced my oldest friend for sending me a card with The Most Wonderful Time of the Year on the front three weeks after my mum died. But you wouldn’t do anything so crass, would you? None of the other cards upset me because their senders showed sensitivity and kindness.

FiveShelties · 08/12/2023 11:03

@soemptyinside I have no words to help, but I am so sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to lose a loved one.

longtompot · 08/12/2023 11:04

In this situation I have sent a neutral card without the usual Christmas sparkle and write my own message, just letting them know I am thinking about them

Livinginanotherworld · 08/12/2023 11:06

I’d send a “Thinking of you at Christmas “ type of card, no jolly Santa's or anything.

meeplesmarples · 08/12/2023 11:22

You absolutely should, people want to know they're not alone and that their friends are still thinking of them. One of the most hurtful things bereaved people can experience is friends making them feel isolated and like they don't care about what happened to them.

StaunchMomma · 08/12/2023 11:27

I wouldn't think twice about this but my Nan was really rattled by 'joyous' Xmas cards after my Grandad died. I think mostly because they are the generation that read the verses in cards!

You can buy 'thinking of you at Christmas' type cards that are bit less cheery - maybe that would be better?

ThinWomansBrain · 08/12/2023 11:28

send, but choose the picture & printed message carefully

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 08/12/2023 11:29

Send, but make sure it doesn't say "it's the most wonderful time of the year" or something equally jolly on it.

saraclara · 08/12/2023 11:37

Ellmau · 08/12/2023 07:40

It would be a lot more callous not to if you used to!

That. I had two close bereavements, father and husband, and very much appreciated Christmas cards.

So I always send them, and simply write something personal inside (not too much like a sympathy card and not too focused on the loss). A simple 'thinking of you and the family especially this Christmas' is all it needs.

saraclara · 08/12/2023 11:40

I also think we need "normal" more than ever

That's how I felt when my daughters and I faced our first Christmas without my DH. And we actually had a lovely one, in its own way. My DH adored Christmas and would absolutely have wanted us to have the best time possible.

sunglassesonthetable · 08/12/2023 11:45

I think send the card with a personal message that refs their bereavement.

You are especially thinking of those people, they are not forgotten.

watcherintherye · 08/12/2023 11:46

I would send a card, yes. Find a low-key one which has nothing written on the front or inside, unless it’s ‘Season’s Greetings’ or ‘Thinking of you at Christmas’ or similar.

Mariposista · 08/12/2023 11:57

I am bereaved and struggling with Christmas this year. But I can’t imagine anything worse than being ignored.
Send the card and write ‘thinking of you’ this Christmas rather than ‘Happy Christmas’

RuthW · 08/12/2023 12:14

Send one but avoid ones that say happy Christmas. You need a seasons greetings one.

PianPianPiano · 08/12/2023 12:14

Ah, fond memories of the time a 'friend' I'd not seen in a while rang me to ask my address so she could post me my card. She happened to ring the day after my Mum had died, which I told her tearfully. Didn't stop her sending me the Christmas card which arrived a few days later with just 'Hope you have a wonderful and happy christmas!" written inside. Funnily enough, I did not...

Anyway, just to agree with others - send one if you usually do, but keep the message more 'thinking of you' or similar. That is what everyone (else) did for us and I really appreicated them.

user1496146479 · 08/12/2023 12:15

The usual tradition where I am, is that you send cards to the bereaved, but they don't tend to send any out

saraclara · 08/12/2023 12:58

I don't know if there's a tradition or expectation here, but I deliberately sent cards, and sent them early, the Christmas after my husband's death. Purely so that people knew that we were doing Christmas, and would feel able to send them to us. It would have been miserable not to have received any.

Accioroxypops · 08/12/2023 13:15

I lost my Dad close to Christmas last year. An old friend sent me a Christmas card with a small wish of love and hope and expressed sadness for my loss. It moved me to tears, I was feeling so lost. I reached out to her and it rekindled our friendship and it was a bright light in a dark place.

It's been just over a year now and that card stands out in my memory, it showed that someone cared and it meant everything to me. We are now the closest of friends again.

I would send it.

user1471556818 · 08/12/2023 13:40

Please send cards .My dm died just before Christmas I was grateful to receive them most people had written a kind message and although they made me cry I reslly appreciated each one

Glitterblue · 08/12/2023 13:44

I’ve been wondering this too. My SIL lost her sister in July. I’ll definitely do a card and present as normal for her along with my brother and nieces but we usually send one to her mum, and I don’t know whether we should this year. She was widowed just before Christmas a few years ago and we didn’t send a card that year but have ever since.

CluelessHamster · 08/12/2023 13:56

When I was in this situation, I found a card that said "Wishing you peace at Christmas" and wrote something along the lines of "Thinking of you at this time and always remembering dear..."

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/12/2023 14:29

I'm in the same situation this year
I have sent a plain but wintery scene with Thinking of you inside

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