Longing for my pre child life

[Hreatstall]

So guilty saying this. I love ds and it’s hard to imagine him not here, I wanted a baby so so so so much and when I have these moments of longing for pre baby times I do remember how much I wanted him and it usually snaps me back to reality. He’s 14 months now and I often think about life before him. I wonder if I would have chosen this if I knew how my old life would disappear? Probably I would still choose just but life will never be the same now. I loved alone time but I’m never truly alone now. Even when I’m doing my own thing without him, I’m still a mother, I’m never ever just me. This is what I struggle with most I think. I do enjoy him and know it’s a massive privilege to watch him grow. I also know on some level that without him that longing for a baby would never have gone away and it was so strong, it made me sad. So life is better now for having him. But I grieve my old life most days. Will this ever stop?

He’s still tiny! You get your old life back, pretty much. Don’t panic.

I would say it’s normal to think about times when life was easier. My girls are 9 and 3 and we’re expecting DS in April but I still sometimes think back to when life was easier. However, it does get easier again even with DC. They get older and more independent and you start to find yourself again.

@Pillboxer i am always a mum though. That’s not going to stop. No full freedom of mind again.

It’s true that you will always be a mum. It’s true that they get more independent and need you less at certain stages and need you in a different way.

i struggle with this too. It’s easy to get lost. I now try to make sure that I keep up with friends, have a couple of weekends away each year, and carve out time for myself each week. You have to find your own way through it.

i wish that there was some sort of lesson at school, or training session in life that outlined the true realities of parenthood, so that decisions could be informed.

I used to feel like this too and it made me feel terribly guilty and distressed.

Babies are just really hard. My son is 3 now and I don’t feel that way at all - I now feel he completely enhances my life and it’s better in every way for him being in it. He has a bit more independence and he is so fun and interesting now, raising him is a joy.

I promise it gets easier and better. Hang in there. And be gentle with yourself - your feelings are normal and they don’t make you a bad mum ♥️

You get used to it, to a certain extent. But 14m is still tiny. My little one is nearly 4 and everything is so mhcb easier, I have more time to myself again to do a couple things each day that make me feel like me. Thats really important. I didn't have that at 14m.

@Ploctopus thanks. When did you start feeling that? I’m finding it all quite… frustrating at the moment.

@BeanyBops how do you have that time? Do they just play longer?

OP don’t feel bad about your legitimate feelings.

It may or may not change once he’s older.

I hated being a mum to a baby and a toddler and a teenager and all the bits in between. I hated the relentlessness and the drudgery. I hated that I always had to consider my child in every single decision I made and only had one child as a consequence.

I obviously adore my child and she had a happy childhood full of fun, love and laughter. She’s a happy, well adjusted young woman who is in her last year of law school.

But if I had the chance to redo it, I would seriously consider whether I would.

Just came to say OP, I feel exactly the same with a similar age child to you. You're not alone there.

I feel the same and I’m sure it must be quite normal. DS is 5 now and I still dream of being child-free, especially having so many friends who chose not to have children.

He’s an amazing kid and it’s definitely become easier as he gets older - it’s more relaxing, we can do more fun stuff together, he can entertain himself for longer, etc. But I wouldn’t have had him had I known what it’s really like.

I feel the opposite - I look back at photos of my self pre kids and feel so sad for that person whose life seems empty and meaningless to me now, even though it didn’t feel that way at the time. I don’t understand people who miss their old life; it comes across as not enjoying their child but not wanting to admit that to themselves? I get it’s hard and you lose so much of yourself for so long but that’s the whole deal, someone else becomes the priority, I can’t miss the time when I could have a lie in or free time to myself without my much loved children not being here and I’d never wish for that.

You're still in the really difficult stage. Yes you're always mum now but you're not tied to it in the same way as your kids get older, the good vs bad stuff balance becomes much more in favour of the good. I was a young mum extremely stifled in the beginning, my kids are teens now and I have my own life; my own hobbies, career, sleep. My kids are an addition to my life not the sole reason for my existence which they end up being in the stage you're in now. And that doesn't start when they're teens, for me 4+ is when things start balancing out more in your favour and it just gets easier. Plus you start enjoying them more for the people they become, right now you have a whiny baby which is hard work unless you particularly love babies...I didn't! Give it time, I haven't mourned my old life in YEARS and I remember it being front and centre of my mind the first 2-3 years.

I often feel like that and my child is 3. I think it's normal to some extent. The company I worked for went into administration when I was pregnant and I ended up moving abroad. I felt like I lost myself for a really long time.
But as others have said you can get bits of it back. Try to book in some alone time - lunch or dinner with friends, making time for yourself - hair/nails/favourite gym class. Things do get a bit easier.

Do you still have a lot of friends without children? Sometimes that can be difficult when your life changes so much, but everyone's lives around you stays (seemingly) the same. I didn't regret having DD but that first year was difficult at times drawing comparisons to how my life had changed, but as they say, 'comparison is the thief of joy', and I think that's the same even when you're comparing to your old self.

It does ease up when nursery starts and school. Your own work and friendships evolve at the same time so the balance gets restored, it'll look different to life pre-children but will feel just as comfortable.

I understand OP.

I felt like this for a very long time. Me and DH often sit and wonder what our life would be like if we could be free to be just us.

Our children and 7 and 9 now so the sense of “constantly being a parent” is easing in one respect as they now have hobbies and activities they go to or they go to friends houses etc, but the actual freedom that comes with not having children, well I don’t think that ever comes back.

The children have to be at the forefront of most decisions that we make.

We adore our children but parenthood comes with a big responsibility. I wish I had the freedom to live a little more selfishly at times, or for me and DH to be able to live a spontaneous life like we used to.

A good friend of mine and her DH are childfree by choice and they have an amazing life…..it’s hard not to be jealous at times as they live their lives solely for themselves.

I agree with a poster above who suggested the “realities of parenthood” should be a subject matter at school to really enforce the responsibilities that come with having children and how your life has to change. I like the idea of worn down parents going in as guest speakers…..

Never. Mine are now 17 & 20, one away at uni. You’d think I’d have my old life back but guess what? Now I do I want the DC back! Life’s a bitch.

Best advice is to live in the moment. Don’t think about the past or wish for the future, try to carve out joy in the now. Little ones it can be relentless. The seconds and minutes drag on forever, but the years fly by.

Mine are older, 17 and 12 and I still feel like this. Surely it's normal and it isn't our natural state to be so tied to so much responsibility for ever it seems.

Before children, I was naive and thought I'd get my life and personal agency back, but with everything centred on children, it can't truly happen.
Someone on Mumsnet who said she'd never have children said it looks like the ultimate sacrifice to give up your life for another. It is, and some of us feel it more than others. Martyrdom built in.
We go into motherhood sometimes thinking the mother / baby bond will cover the sacrifice, but it doesn't. We still want to be ourselves as well, but are blocked by an all consuming role.

Do you work? That can be a good way to feel like yourself. And having a regular plan to see your friends, however infrequent, without DC if/when possible.

Having kids does completely take you over when they’re little. It was a real shock for me. But gradually you do get your life back. The year or so before they go to school is a great year and you’ll probably miss it in the future. They’re old enough to be more fun - and you can see the world through their eyes.

But they do start off really dependant, which was a real shock for me, and that gets gradually less over the years - they go to nursery, school, then you stop having to walk them to school, aged around 10 - and you miss it. Eventually you’re going on holiday without them (I imagine!)

But right now, at the same time it’s important to remember what you like doing and keep doing it, even if it’s just a little bit, while maintaining your friendships - and making new ones.

I feel EXACTLY like you. I could have written your post word for word. I cry on average once a week I think.
My DC is 8 months old. It feels impossible to have enough time to even exercise our muster up the energy for anything slightly difficult. I used to love baking and hosting dinners but I just can't be bothered with the effort anymore. I miss my old life and old body so much. I am always achy too from various birth injuries.im exhausted.

Edit to add that I'll follow this thread as I am sure I will find the responses helpful too. Thank you OP

Try to look forward not look back. My mum is always obsessed and moaning with whatever the last thing is. So she moved from village A to village B and spent the whole time there moaning that she missed village A. Then she moved to village C and kept complaining that village B was wonderful. Then she moved to village D and keeps saying what a shame she left village C! Looking back into the past and moaning becomes a habit, don’t get into it.

And no, I never miss my pre-child life, although I do sometimes have nightmares where I’m 25 again and DS doesn’t exist. Now that he’s a teen tho I am grieving the preschool years and I know I always will.

Someone on Mumsnet who said she'd never have children said it looks like the ultimate sacrifice to give up your life for another. It is, and some of us feel it more than others. Martyrdom built in.

See, I really don’t feel I’ve given up my life for another. I feel they’ve added to my life - but I continue to see my old friends, have made new friends and now have more time to do the things I enjoy. (Kids are 16 and 12).

What’s helped me do that - carrying on working (part time/full time at different stages), swapping babysitting with antenatal group friends/neighbours with similar aged friends when they were little, keeping in touch with friends even if just through messages, exercise - walking with a pushchair/sling when they were little, started running when the youngest went to school and have kept that up.

Can’t overstate the importance of friends at a similar stage of life, ideally w kids the same age. Antenatal group, friends you meet at toddler groups, via school etc. then you get to talk to them and the kids get to play together.

@Changed18 completely agree, I think this idea of "martyrdom parenting" is actually really harmful to kids as well as parents, one of the biggest flaws of modern day parenting IMO, putting kids on a pedestal and centring them for too long can create entitled people that don't adapt very well to the world or other people. You can be an individual, have your own life AND be a parent, it does children good to see parents prioritise themselves sometimes. Obviously I'm not talking about when you have a baby or toddler entirely, the higher the needs of the child the more you will have to centre them, but for healthy children that mature normally their reliance on your reduces. Some parents just don't accept that.

I get your point but my dd is 16m. When she goes to bed I get nearly 5 hours to my self to do what I want. Sometimes my dh will look after dd and I go shopping with my mum in the evening. Its bliss so there are things you can do. Sometimes my parents look after her and we go out for a meal together. Don't be so hard on the mother nonsense there are always other ways of seeing things.

Before I opened this I though 'I bet it's a toddler' this is the hard year