Longing for my pre child life

[Hreatstall]

So guilty saying this. I love ds and it’s hard to imagine him not here, I wanted a baby so so so so much and when I have these moments of longing for pre baby times I do remember how much I wanted him and it usually snaps me back to reality. He’s 14 months now and I often think about life before him. I wonder if I would have chosen this if I knew how my old life would disappear? Probably I would still choose just but life will never be the same now. I loved alone time but I’m never truly alone now. Even when I’m doing my own thing without him, I’m still a mother, I’m never ever just me. This is what I struggle with most I think. I do enjoy him and know it’s a massive privilege to watch him grow. I also know on some level that without him that longing for a baby would never have gone away and it was so strong, it made me sad. So life is better now for having him. But I grieve my old life most days. Will this ever stop?

I don't always put DS' wants above mine, sure his needs but I don't think that's overly healthy to put yourself on the back-burner for everything. You're still a person, I think you can tell the parents who put their children above absolutely everything all the time when it comes time for the children to leave home to be honest. It's always sad when women (men don't seem to do it) put 100% of themselves into parenting and neglect themselves and their interests, friendships and are then left with nothing when the children rightfully head out to forge their own way in the world.

You seem triggered hearing someone say they love their children… You think it’s a minority view to profoundly love your child?

if you don’t think a world view like that suggests needing therapy then we will have to agree to disagree :)

I didn’t use the word ‘should’ anywhere. And I also haven’t once said it’s easy. I just don’t miss a life without them and, shock horror, enjoyed my kids at every stage: as babies and toddlers and now children. If anything I think it’s only got harder as they’ve got older.

What’s such a big deal about changing a nappy? And non verbal doesn’t mean non communicative ? All kids scream and it can be triggering and exhausting but do I regret having them when they’re doing it, no. I just don’t.

There’s a cult of attacking anyone who dares not to be negative about parenting. I can see how accusing me of being smug and wearing rose tinted glasses might help you to deflect any uncomfortable feelings my opinion might generate but not sure you’re really going to go away feeling better about smashing me down.

Suggesting therapy Isn’t an attack on OP - quite the opposite, I’m saying feeling the way she does isn’t a given, there are things once can do to process a challenging time differently and make it more bearable.

Therapy is something all people can benefit from and will help carve out some space to remember herself and work through any conflicting feelings about parenthood and changes to identity.

Every parent should make space for this but I appreciate it’s expensive and tricky to find the time when in the thick of it with a toddler.

If you change ‘rose tinted glasses’ for trying to keep hold of what is important when the grind of day to day life takes hold, then we can certainly agree on that!

@Muthaofcats Let's try and tap into some emotional intelligence, assuming you have some, and remember who is posting and why. A woman struggling with a toddler and seeking support. Do you really think your smug posts are doing anything to reassure the OP? Do you really think telling her she isn't normal for struggling so should get therapy is really an intelligent, thought out response? As that is what you're saying. I am absolutely thrilled for you that the toddler years were rainbows and lollipops for you, that screaming, dribbling babbling was a sophisticated conversation and wiping a shitty arsehole gave meaning to your day, but for lots of women, it is drudgery, it is hard work, it is isolating, and it leaves them questioning their choices and worrying for the future.

We are merely telling her that this stage is temporary, and she is not a bad mother for not enjoying this stage, it isn't forever.

They are NOT abnormal, or bad people, and do NOT need to be told to get therapy.

You are giving up your life as you know it, you are saying that you are going to bring this life into the world, you promise to look after them and put them above yourself for wants, needs and love, always. To me, this is the ultimate sacrifice, you are sacrificing yourself and the life you have known for a new life that you'll give your all.

Giving up your life as you know it to look after a child or adult who already exists and needs you is a sacrifice. Deciding that you want to have a baby is not. It's choosing to do something you want to do, because you think it will enhance your life. If you didn't think it would enhance your life, why would you do it?

You appear to be projecting a lot on to me. I wonder why.

Who told the OP she’s abnormal or a bad person? Or a bad mother?

Certainly not me…..
Is that how you feel?

Have you noticed that because I said I don’t miss my pre child life and that I love my kids, you’ve felt it ok to go on the attack?

If you were the kind empathetic person you purport to be, would you find it so easy to go after someone who had a different opinion to you?

Why do you think suggesting therapy is a negative thing or an insult? it isn’t.

The way you describe having children is really unpleasant tbh. ‘Wiping shitty arse holes’ and ‘drudgery’ is such a sad and negative way of describing looking after your child. It’s how you might describe the actions if you’d disconnected from ‘why’ you’re doing it. You’re nurturing and caring for a person who can’t do it for themselves. And it’s not a ‘shitty arse hole’ it’s your child, who you love and want to make comfortable and secure. Sorry but I just think that language is problematic, and indicative of a mindset that I can see would generate the reaction you’re having to parenting.

i am sorry if my different perspective triggers you, I genuinely hope you’re ok and I hope you do consider that talking to someone doesn’t mean you’re a failure or weak.

You may be so sorted and together you don’t feel you need it, I certainly am nowhere near as perfect and have to work on myself and my outlook every day.

Therapy certainly might help give space to work through some of those labels being bandied around by you.

For clarity, OP, Conflicting feelings about your changing identity don’t mean you’re a bad parent or person. This is likely about perspective and how you choose to process what is a challenging time. It won’t last forever, there are ways (through childcare, the passing of time etc) to find a balance that gives you what you need.

Hang in there and good luck!

Oh yes of course. I'm ambitious, I'm also in a role that requires about 80 hours a week to succeed so I feel like I'm constantly treading water. But I also feel guilty if I prioritise work over DC so I end up working crazy schedules. I am aware I'm lucky to be able to do that though, and I am aware I could either quit completely or lean the other way and get wrap around care for both DC but for now it works ok. I do have downtime but recently as Xmas draws in realise that none of the family share my interests!

"You are giving up your life as you know it, you are saying that you are going to bring this life into the world, you promise to look after them and put them above yourself for wants, needs and love, always. To me, this is the ultimate sacrifice, you are sacrificing yourself and the life you have known for a new life that you'll give your all.

It's the biggest decision a person can make."

It sounds clear when you write that it's a decision to give up your life for another by choosing to have a child.

But going into it, it was far from clear to me and many others that it actually involved giving your self up. That would have been dystopian and wouldn't happen to me etc, but here I am. So much is put on mothers in our culture that it can become an institution that devours you slowly over time if you let it.

I realise some women have a much clearer view of what motherhood really involves and reject it or have only one. They are wise and must find it strange that others don't see it.

@Muthaofcats I agree with you 100 percent and I'm in the thick of it right now not looking back to the past

My daughter has been screaming for last 20mins as I read this, so I understand

Your DS is still a baby. You’ll get more of your life back as he grows, though it’s true that you’ll always be a mother no matter how old your kids are, it’ll never quite be as it was pre kids.

dd1 18 and at uni and I’m still getting messages at gone midnight with her grievances About having to stay at uni late to get group work finished and so not making it to the party she was planning to go to. Of course then I can’t sleep until I know she’s home safe. A part of my mind is always with my teens, but on the whole do I very much have my own life in a way I didn’t when they were one. Give it time OP, it’ll get easier.