Longing for my pre child life

[Hreatstall]

So guilty saying this. I love ds and it’s hard to imagine him not here, I wanted a baby so so so so much and when I have these moments of longing for pre baby times I do remember how much I wanted him and it usually snaps me back to reality. He’s 14 months now and I often think about life before him. I wonder if I would have chosen this if I knew how my old life would disappear? Probably I would still choose just but life will never be the same now. I loved alone time but I’m never truly alone now. Even when I’m doing my own thing without him, I’m still a mother, I’m never ever just me. This is what I struggle with most I think. I do enjoy him and know it’s a massive privilege to watch him grow. I also know on some level that without him that longing for a baby would never have gone away and it was so strong, it made me sad. So life is better now for having him. But I grieve my old life most days. Will this ever stop?

I could have written this word for word. Like you, I feel I lost myself after I had children. Even in my head I think ‘oh that was the old Jenny’. And unlike other posters, I don’t think you ever get it back. Ever. My children are 4 and 7 and both in school, so yes, I have more alone time now, but it’s never been the same. You’re always fretting about them.

Did you also grieve leaving childhood or teen years whenever you enter a new milestone age? Some people are very nostalgic. If you didnt have a child you might have been wishing you had one.. grass is greener... but i agree you will have slightly more freedom as time passes. I just wouldnt dwell on this its not like you can time travel. Focus on mental health and doing something just for you as small as it might be and dont say youve no time or energy, MN is your free time, too.

You would have changed and evolved due to age and work commitments too anyway at least with motherhood you have something worthwhile, children who will hopefully love and help you in your old age. Thats worth more than any fun drunk weekends away or whatever. People working full time having to adult also lose the carefree days. Appreciate what you have.

You’re always fretting about them.

You can disagree with other posters, but you must realise this is YOUR experience of parenting and not universal? I don't fret about my kids all the time, if something is wrong of course, but day to day I don't "fret", I think about them, I consider them, as I do my other friends and family, I don't sit here mindlessly stressing about them. Sometimes you have to take ownership for how you are handling something, and if you are genuinely "fretting" about your children all the time I would be seeking help to reframe how you are tackling parenting, for your own good, and theirs frankly!

I miss being able to sit at home and say to my DH, “shall we go out for dinner tonight?” and then just be able to go.

Or me and DH would wake up one weekend morning and decide to just have a pyjama day where we would stay in bed all day and just watch films and enjoy the peace and isolation. We used to love doing that

Or he’d say, “Shall we go to the cinema tonight?” - and then we’d just go.

Or sometimes we’d say, “Shall we go away this weekend?” And we would have nothing to think about except booking a B&B.

That's what I miss, the spontaneity of life and just being able to act on impulse.

These days though, I can’t even remember the last time me and DH went out together.

It's a mix. She's a lot easier to manage in every way so myself and her dad are a lot more happy to solo parent compared to 14m when we definitely preferred it to be 2:1 😂 because she's easier now I can ask for regular time to go to yoga or for a run etc, which is mainly how I get that time. But even when I'm watching her now there are times when she will happily sit and watch TV so I get more of a break I. E. Friday afternoons after we've both had long weeks! She's also really well behaved now so we can go out to cafes or wander the shops together and while I'm still parenting, I'm also having a nice time doing things I enjoy. Compared to when she was younger and her behaviour was worse and we were tied by naps etc. I'm also finding things that we both really enjoy like crafts and painting. None of this was happening at 14 months! It's often only small things but it adds up.

I felt like this. It took me 4 years to adjust to having a baby.

Hes turned into the most delightful kind man. He was the most gorgeous child, teen , and young adult. I look back on those 4 years now with a mix of horror and sympathy. Something must have changed because l had dd.

It gets easier. And suddenly you’re surrounded by amusing young adults who are kind of like one of the best friends you’ll ever have.

I found 4 the turning point. Soon he’ll be like a little companion telling he you he loves you.

How old are you, op? One way of thinking about this is that your old life wouldn't have gone on forever anyway.

People who don't have children don't keep doing the same things forever, because they get tired of them (if it was going out drinking, clubbing etc) and a large proportion of friends have kids, get tied up with careers, move away etc.

So your life was going to change at some point anyway. We go through different life stages and there's no point resisting it.

If you mean that your life has become solely about your child - do something about that. Find an activity or hobby or group of friends and invest some time in it. Even if it's not much, it's something.

But old life is gone. You can get bits back but not everything. Your child is here to stay and if for some terrible reason they're not, you'd be devastated and your life would be changed forever. My DS was close to death earlier this year and let me tell you, it's not something you want to experience.

All I can say is, it gets easier!! Toddlers are knackering as you have to watch them every second so don't have a moment to yourself.

You’re in the weeds right now, OP

12-18 months was my least favourite phase. Yes they are lovely but also they must be observed constantly so they don’t kill themselves. They have very little to say and can’t be reasoned with. They are both boring and required constant vigilance.

It gets better. You will get some headspace back.

This is the hardest thing about having a disabled child, that you dont get past this stage (or i haven't), but for my other children, this is totally normal feeling, and it gets better it really does. Now they're wonderful teenagers (really!) and I could easily have a proper life back.

Sending you lots of love OP things will improve, you are at the hardest point (and the hardest time of year too, the rain and darkness certainly isn't helping me any)

At about 15 months I started having full 36 hours away (leave Friday night after bedtime, come back Sunday morning) and it just really helped me refresh my mind. I felt like my old self again, and it was great. It was tough for DH because my youngest was very, very attached to me (I use 'velcro baby' in every sense of the term) but we made it work.

It does get easier, I promise. You can be Hreatstall as well as Hreatstall the mother.

Complete solidarity over here OP. Also have a 14 month old, was always desperate for a child but honestly the reality is very different to what I imagined. Not that I thought it would be easy, I just thought I'd be more maternal, that the love would be what got me through the endless days of nappies, and cleaning up, and reading The Green Tractor on repeat. Feels like I don't have a maternal bone in my body most days, PPD has done a number on my bonding with her. I just feel adrift, it's all so relentless. When she's not here it feels like something is missing, but it all feels a bit ""With Or Without You" at the moment.

1, they get easier
2, you get use to it.

Starting school is a game changer as is things like being able to be ina different room, not needing a changing bag, play dates where you leave. There's lots of points where you feel less tied.

What's your support system like do you get breaks? Is the stress shared?

I found this really hard too! I honestly hated my life when my daughter was really little - but things do get better! i go out much more now without her - with friends and we get a babysitter sometimes so we can go out as a couple - we even left her for a week with my parents while we went to Glastonbury (when she was 2) she started eventually going to sleep 7 - 7 and it meant we got our evenings back!

Do you ever get out on your own?

@Z1hun i get that and I can carve out time to myself. That’s not really what I mean though. It’s more than I have this huge huge responsibility for another person that will never go away. My choices are not the same as they were, I can’t relocate to Vietnam without impacting someone else and that’s more the sort of (yes a bit silly) thoughts I have .

I found it got easier all the time but we really turned a corner from about 18 months when he could speak, play, entertain himself for short bursts etc. Every single month of him from 2-3 was magic, just bursting with new experiences and his personality growing and developing.

When he was 14 months I wouldn’t have had another baby if you’d paid me a million pounds. Currently trying for number 2! And tbh I am dreading the baby stage again because I really found it so hard, but I know it will be worth it once we reach the toddler years.

You can still do whatever you want though @Hreatstall why can't you relocate to Vietnam with a small child?? i've taken my daughter all over the world travelling & to heaps of music festivals and stuff,

Especially when they are really little and you have no school to worry about!

Many years ago, I was at an event or training session or something and they asked us to write down the first three things we identified as - without giving much guidance.

It was an interesting exercise with surprisingly varied responses, and although it's now 20+ years later I still sometimes think about that.

I have been a parent for much longer than you, but I realise that I don't actually think that if I was asked to do that exercise now, that "mother" would be in my top 3. Because I AM a mother, and of course, that's important, but that's not how I see myself. I see myself as a woman first and foremost. By nationality. And as a professional.

Of course, because I DO have responsibilities as a mother, each of these things have to be balanced with my need to consider my children - eg not moving to Vietnam at the drop of a hat - but they are not the drivers of all of my decisions.

I don't know how YOU get to that sort of place in your own head. I do know that I suffered from PND and found the relentless responsibility of parenting insanely difficult in the beginning. I resented it, and DS, endlessly. But as time went by, it got easier and easier to separate myself and to feel like I didn't have to prioritise him (or, in time, them) in everything.

@Hreatstall that isn't unique to motherhood though. Relationships, parents, friends, job, finances, health, all have the potential hinder the ability to make big life decisions like moving to Vietnam. The truth is very few people are empowered to make a decision like that. Your son will grow, your life will change, and you will get more autonomy over time. If everyone felt as you do now for the rest of their lives do you think people would continue to have children? And subsequent children? You're in a shit stage that's all, and even if you don't find yourself being the type of mother that gets a lot of joy out of raising your son, if you're privileged enough to have a healthy child the burden will inevitably reduce.

Plus it's worth bearing in mind that you have more freedom to travel when they are 14m than you do when they are at school. Once they're five, you generally have to stick to school holidays and someone needs to take them to/pick them up from school. (Although you then get the upside of getting time to yourself).

I was the last of my friends to have children, and it was a big shock when I had my own.

The perspective I did have from sitting on the outside which my friends didn't was how quickly parenting is done - 15years or so and children will be just about fully independent. You'll probably live to 80, so that 15 years is a mere blink! It doesn't feel like that at the time though, it feels like a never-ending slog.

One of the things that made me most sad pre-children,when I thought I'd never be able to have them, was how my life (which was fun and easy) was never going to change. It felt like a prison.

Now, I find it hard but I see this as a short time (even though sometimes I'm counting down the time to when I don't have to do X or y for them), and try to find the best in it.

Before you know it, you'll be done and back to pleasing yourself.

I do understand what you mean, I felt the same. I would say it absolutely does get easier. Kids are still hard work. But you do adjust and although you may still get pangs of longing for your old life it gets less. They get more independence and you get more time. It'll all be ok. Hang in there.

I truly understand what you're saying OP.
💐

As the mother of an adult son and an adult daughter, my advice would be to cherish this time, as much as possible. How I would love to just "go back" for an hour or two, and cuddle their squishy bodies, or know that they were safely asleep in the room next to me.

The years fly by : before you know it, you'll know which city they are in, but you'll look out of your window at the dark night, and you won't know exactly where they are, whether they are safe, who they are with, what they are thinking, when you might get a reply to that message you sent, whether you will see them anytime soon, whether they will come at Christmas. And I say that as someone who has a great relationship with their adult children, but who realises that their spouses and friends now take centre stage, whilst I hover in the wings hoping for anything I can get from my favourite people. Mine are both moving abroad with work soon. Both to the other side of the world - in opposite directions!