Longing for my pre child life

[Hreatstall]

So guilty saying this. I love ds and it’s hard to imagine him not here, I wanted a baby so so so so much and when I have these moments of longing for pre baby times I do remember how much I wanted him and it usually snaps me back to reality. He’s 14 months now and I often think about life before him. I wonder if I would have chosen this if I knew how my old life would disappear? Probably I would still choose just but life will never be the same now. I loved alone time but I’m never truly alone now. Even when I’m doing my own thing without him, I’m still a mother, I’m never ever just me. This is what I struggle with most I think. I do enjoy him and know it’s a massive privilege to watch him grow. I also know on some level that without him that longing for a baby would never have gone away and it was so strong, it made me sad. So life is better now for having him. But I grieve my old life most days. Will this ever stop?

Ohh hugs 🤗 the life of a mum seems so tough to me. I have only had my first baby earlier this year and I am desperately trying to appreciate every moment but at the same time feeling exactly like the OP. I'm battling with whether or not to go back to work at my maternity leave nears its end as I feel much like you describe - moments we spend cuddling and just playing feel so precious. And as an adult I think about how close I am to my parents and yet I love the alone time with my own little family and don't want to hang out with my parents that much anymore. And I think about my own little DC and how I struggle to be away from her for more than a couple of hours and wonder how I'll cope if she is anything like the daughter I am to my parents (I can be grumpy and moody because I sometimes find my parents overbearing).

I get you op, and yes you're right, you will ALWAYS be a mum, and that won't change, but your duties as a mum will change, and things become easier in some ways, and harder in others. Mine are upper end of primary age now, and I get loads of time to myself, where they're at school, doing their own thing, and I'm either working, shopping, housework, doing my own thing, and there will become periods in the day where you don't think about them, which just isn't possible when they're babies and toddlers. When they're tiny, you have to watch their every move and it does take over your life. You feel nothing outside of being mum, but that does change. The parts I find harder now, are their never ending social life's, clubs, activities, remembering stuff for school, and that can seem relentless, but it's still nothing compared to the daily life with babies and toddlers. And when they're older and you can have actual proper human conversations with them, that makes the whole thing more enjoyable. My girls are hilarious, we have so much fun, and they tell me interesting things they've learnt, and ask actual interesting questions, not just the mindless "why? why? why?" stuff you get from preschoolers. I definitely don't see myself as just a mum anymore, my life is really fulfilling in lots of ways, but when they're tiny, it's so hard to get that balance as they need you and want you for everything, and you feel guilty for wanting space from them. It does get easier, and you find yourself again. Promise.

I've decided on just one for multiple reasons that include missing the spontaneity and freedom of my life before my DC. With just one, I can give myself to motherhood more fully and savour it, knowing it's one stage of my life. I'll be in my mid forties when he's 18 and off at uni/travelling/training, so can pick back up my more adventurous life.

Seriously I too felt the same. I remember crying when my son was a baby because I kept seeing friends facebooks statues and pictures of fun night with carefree hangovers while I was hemmed in with a screaming baby living a boring life . It's just so relentless with small kids

My life is completely different now that they are teenagers. I have so much fun with them and yet they are independent so don't need me constantly and now me and DH get nights out and more time to ourselves ( but now I miss the small stages when they are safe in your arms)

I haven't got it back. Eldest DC is nearly 9. I work full time around DC's schedules, I spend most non working hours with DC or asleep. I haven't watched a TV show, played a computer Game, read a book for me in that time. When I do get a chance to sit down for a bit and not work then no one else in the family wants to watch what I do. I find it very frustrating!

@Leafysuburb does your child have additional needs?

I agree with this 100%. My children (grown up now) were my life and joy.

Maybe the people who feel the way op does didn't have empty and meaningless lives before they had children, and that's why they miss that life now.

I missed my old life so much for the first few years (and I wasn't someone who have everything up on becoming a mum either!). Over time, it got easier as DC got older and I came to terms with it. Now she's six, an absolute delight, and I've grown into myself. But I felt just like you at your DCs age.

Some of us feel this way permanently. I was much happier child free. Sadly, those days are gone.

No, my job is full on though so I will work around their hours so I can do drop off, pick up, after-school clubs and then will work early morning, during the school day and evening to meet the hours I need (usually 50-60). So not much time to have 'me time' unless you consider work to be me time.

@Leafysuburb there's an element of choice in that though? Having a 9 year old and not even being able to watch a programme you want to watch is pretty extreme and likely not common, it's more of a reflection of your job than your parental status. I am in a senior leadership role in a professional career and have been watching Have I got News for You and the Couple Next Door this evening, with my 9 year old on his Xbox in the next room (he's not allowed on it on school nights, and we have a family day out tomorrow before I get judgement for that...!) kids need their own wind down time too I find.

I don’t think you’ve quite understood- I had a full and happy life, successful career, travelled loads, active social life, the works! But I look back on all of that now I know what the profound love I have for my children feels like and it all just seems so hollow and empty without them in it - even though I was a lot better rested. I’m infinitely happier now having a purpose and seeing the world though my kids eyes, so I just don’t understand when so many seem to say they miss their old life / it just seems like you’re wishing your kids away and that makes me feel so sad for you and for them. I’m really sorry you feel like that and it is worth considering talking to someone as I think there’s a lot in that feeling and could really benefit you to work through it.

I didn't mention my feelings towards anything. I was discussing how the op feels.

That was directed at OP and the others commenting they miss their old life.
But you assuming that my life must have been crap pre kids because I prefer my life now with them in it, does suggest a lot about your own views too tbh. I don’t have time to exercise or see friends or develop my career like I’d like, I’m tired etc etc and yet it all feels so worth it to me because I love my kids more than I love myself. I know soon enough they’ll be grown up and not need me in the same way and I’ll mourn this time now and so want to soak up every second filled with gratitude not resentment or regret

What do you mean by mourn?

I don't think your assumption of my view is correct. I didn't give my view because I didn't feel that it would be helpful to the OP or nice to put on this thread and I feel the same way about your original reply to her.

i Can see why you say this but my feeling is that it’s not a given to feel the way OP is and that actually it sounds like she could do with some support/talking therapy to work through that. So whilst it may be hard to hear that others don’t agree with the way you feel, I don’t think it’s ‘unkind’ to say you don’t agree or to share a different perspective. If OP didn’t want other peoples opinions she wouldn’t have posted on a forum.

im assuming you’re not asking for the definition of the word mourn, but are asking what I mean in context….

I mean that one day my children’s childhoods will be over and I will miss this time with them and would do anything to feel the tiredness and intensity that it brings again.

Well no life will never be the same as it was, for better or for worse, but 14 months is still young. Sure the responsibility of another human is a lot, but still part of not having as many opportiniities is growing up as well- not many adults could afford to or logistically just pop off to Vietnam on a whim as they could when younger.

I'd say make sure you prioritise time for yourself, make sure you see friends regularly and don't just become mum- you are a mum but more importantly you are still you. I'd say for me it wasn't until DS was at school that I started to truly enjoy being a parent.

You'll get your freedom back. You are very much in the tough stage.

Someone on Mumsnet who said she'd never have children said it looks like the ultimate sacrifice to give up your life for another. It is, and some of us feel it more than others. Martyrdom built in.

I think it's strange to regard it as a sacrifice, because what are you making that sacrifice for? Sacrifice implies giving something up for the greater good, or for someone or something. But, assuming it's a deliberate choice rather than an accidental pregnancy, at the point you decide to have a child you are not making a sacrifice, you're just choosing to do something because you want to. It's not some noble, selfless act. It's a lifestyle choice and, admittedly a risk, since nobody can be totally certain whether they'll regret it or not.

You will get your old self back more and more as they get older.

Then you get to a point where they don't need you anymore (except for washing their dirty undies and for cash) and you have yourself back, all your time and your sanity and you wish you could go back to the old days of them being little.

Humans are scoundrels OP, we always want what we can't have. Once you realise that, you'll be more at peace with it.

For now, enjoy this life cause I promise you, you'll miss it when it's gone.

You are giving up your life as you know it, you are saying that you are going to bring this life into the world, you promise to look after them and put them above yourself for wants, needs and love, always. To me, this is the ultimate sacrifice, you are sacrificing yourself and the life you have known for a new life that you'll give your all.

It's the biggest decision a person can make.

i Can see why you say this but my feeling is that it’s not a given to feel the way OP is and that actually it sounds like she could do with some support/talking therapy to work through that.

If her kid was 10 maybe. But no I really don't think many women throw around words like "profound love" easily when they have a 14 month old who is still pulling hair, screaming, non verbal and in nappies. I really don't think you need to be telling a grown woman in that situation she should be loving it and if not she needs therapy. I very much think you're the one in the minority here, and likely sitting with a fuck off pair of rose tinted glasses.