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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s it like having a mum you want to hang out with?

101 replies

bluecalendula · 07/12/2023 19:25

I’m interested to hear from people that look forward to seeing, and enjoy spending time with their Mothers?

I have a tricky relationship with mine. I tell her stuff on a ‘need to know’ basis, never ask for advice, find her company challenging.

I have two little daughters, and worry about our relationship when they grow up. Most of my friends seem to find their mothers difficult. Is it just my generation (I’m 40)?

I would love for nothing more than to mutually enjoy my daughter’s company when they’re adults. Is this a pipe dream.. :(

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/12/2023 19:37

My adult children all hang out with me, sons and daughter. DD and I do all sorts, from nights out on the town to mini breaks to just sitting chatting. Its partly personality, we like each other and share interests and humour. But I think its also down to my making a conscious effort to treat them as people rather than children once they grew up. So it's very rare I offer unsolicited advice, fuss or try to guide them. I've also always had a full life of my own, an interesting job, hobbies, friends, so I've never chased them or been needy for their company, so they come and go from me from choice not obligation. So, not a pipe dream, some luck involved in having compatible personalities, but a fair bit you can do to maximise the chances.

5128gap · 07/12/2023 19:39

Oh, and my children are mid 20s to 30s so not quite your generation. I'm 54 so a youngish mum to them, which may also make a difference.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 19:42

It’s wonderful. My mum is amazing, thoughtful, funny, supportive, we talk for hours, laugh like idiots and I love spending time with her.

Her own mother was a complicated, judgemental, often cruel and hateful nightmare of a person, her mother was also a bit of a bitch from what I know. the generational trauma was toxic.

It was my mum who broke the cycle and she’s got wonderful relationships with all of her children, all of our spouses and her grandchildren.

onemorerose · 07/12/2023 19:51

I’m 40s and love spending time with my 60s mum. She is not judgemental and doesn’t do unsolicited advice. She’s kind and thoughtful and generous, still brings me homemade food sometimes. She doesn’t interfere but is always there if you need advice. I want to be like her. When i was young we had our differences but she was the same caring person. I always knew she cared for me and loved me and gave me a good grounding

blushroses6 · 07/12/2023 19:56

I am 27 and me and my mum are ridiculously close, possibly too close and overshare too much! I think it’s partly because she was a single mum and so it was just me and her but also we have similar personalities. I have one friend who is as close to her mum as me but most others friends seem to have more normal “mother daughter” relationships where they don’t seem to really spend much time together. I had my first baby 13 months ago and it has only made us even closer and I admire her even more. I think a lot of people may drift through their teens/early twenties and spend more time with friends etc but do come back once they have their own children. I agree with a previous comment that once I was late teens my mum no longer treated me as a child as such, she never judges or gives unsolicited advice etc which probably has helped me to feel I can confide in her about anything.

Dipsomaniax · 07/12/2023 19:57

I love my mum, she's very extrovert and great fun. Lots of chat and honestly, I would love to do lunches, weekends away, just with her but also with my (adult) daughter who's very like her.

But she's not interested. She's lovely and will text me weekly asking about stuff going on (obvs keeps track) but actual phone calls: she's not interested, gets me off the phone ASAP. Meetings, she's itching to get away.

She and my Df come to stay but even then they only join us for dinner. They are the best fun and we have great evenings but it seems they are not interested!
Df is definitely not interested in being with us and doesn't like DM's attention being diverted from him.

My dc adore them but they remain reserved where they are concerned. They did babysit occasionally for my eldest but never for my youngest (a 5 Yr age gap and quiet, introverted - maybe too quiet?- kids).

I know she'd have been concerned with not overstepping but my dh adores her and we are never anything but thrilled when they come.

GZS · 07/12/2023 20:25

I feel you. I am so jealous of other people who look forward to seeing their mums, I see it as an absolute chore that I need to get done as quickly as possible. I have a daughter and worry about her feeling the same way as I do in day. I’m not sure what can be done other than reflect on what makes my rship with my mum so distant- and I think that’s accountability. If I always try to be accountable to my daughter for things that I have/will do and give her a chance to talk them through then maybe I’ll do better than my mum? And she’ll want to spend time with me? It’s my biggest fear tbh

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 20:31

I adored my mum she was good fun and came out with us but I wish she had come out more. She treated me like an adult but also like a daughter.

She was kind open and not up tight.

APurpleSquirrel · 07/12/2023 20:32

My mum was my best friend. We did so much together, shopping, holidays, walks. We enjoyed a lot of the same things & could talk for hours.
Unfortunately she died 11 years ago & I miss her so much.
I have a daughter of my own & hope I can have the same sort of relationship with both her & my son.

Burntoutbetty · 07/12/2023 20:36

Watching with interest. I tend to avoid my mother as much as I can. She is very judgemental and, I suspect, resentful of how well my life has gone. She and I are very, very different people so I really hope my girls will be able to tolerate me without knots of anxiety in their stomach.

PictureFrameWindow · 07/12/2023 20:36

This thread is wonderful.

ChickaboomZoom · 07/12/2023 20:39

My mum is a bit of a hot mess. I think her own mum was emotionally distant etc. I’ve needed loads of therapy to finally get to a point where I’ve put up healthy boundaries with her. These days we get along fine as long as I keep her at a reasonable arms length. She’ll occasionally babysit or ring me for a chat but I don’t make any effort to actually spend time with her anymore. The horrible things she has said and done in the past has made me realise that a “normal” mum and daughter relationship will never be possible and I’ve made peace with it.

I have 3 daughters of my own now and I try every day to be a much better mum to them than mine has been to me.

FWIW I’m also 40…

WaltzingWaters · 07/12/2023 20:46

I’m 34. Sadly my mum passed 4 years ago, but we had an amazing relationship. We loved going on holidays together. Spa days. Theatre trips. I really wish she were still here - she passed away before I had my first child.
It’s definitely possible to have a loving relationship and have them want to hang out with you. My mum and I were both pretty chilled people which helped. She rarely voiced (or at least encouraged) her opinion and let me live my life the way I wanted.

luckilysane · 07/12/2023 20:53

I'm also jealous of people who have a close relationship with their mum. Mine is nice and did a good job of caring for us kids practically, growing up. Good food, clean house, there when we got home from school etc.

Emotionally, though, there are big differences in how she treated me and my siblings and I often felt invisible as a person. I've never confided in her or asked for her advice with relationship or friendship issues, because I believe she's not interested or doesn't care. She is warmer and more involved with my siblings.

Grapefruitstars · 07/12/2023 20:53

I feel the same. She wasn't interested in me as a child and was either angry or looked bored. The damage was done by the time she decided to turn it round or try. When I was struggling with my dc she told me I didn't have to have kids. I felt like saying well you shouldn't have had kids you bitch. At least when I was struggling I turned it round and wasn't a twat to my own dc

AngelicInnocent · 07/12/2023 20:56

I have a similar relationship to my DM as you OP but my DD and I are extremely close.

DM is 75, I'm 49 and DD is 22 if that's relevant.

MrsMiagi · 07/12/2023 21:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 19:42

It’s wonderful. My mum is amazing, thoughtful, funny, supportive, we talk for hours, laugh like idiots and I love spending time with her.

Her own mother was a complicated, judgemental, often cruel and hateful nightmare of a person, her mother was also a bit of a bitch from what I know. the generational trauma was toxic.

It was my mum who broke the cycle and she’s got wonderful relationships with all of her children, all of our spouses and her grandchildren.

This is the same with my mom. She broke the cycle and I adore her for it.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 07/12/2023 21:15

I'm in my 70s and I get together at least weekly with some combination of my DDs, DS and DIL. We all enjoy each others' company, meet regularly for walks, coffee, lunches etc. We go on holidays together and have weekends away with the DGC. I count myself very lucky that they want to spend time with me!

Bboy1234 · 07/12/2023 21:18

I love my mum and see her weekly, we go out lot with the kids, my sons and my niece, we have holidays together and we have fun. I am also very close to my nan and saw my grandad weekly until he passed, we would go for breakfast and book shopping. My brother is my best friend. I have no idea why we are all (mostly) very close, my interests are very different from my mum. She was only 16 when she had me so maybe it's the smaller age gap, she helps a lot with my children who have SEN needs and with paperwork, meetings etc as she's far more confident and outspoken than me.

I'm also very close to my stepdaughter (she's 23 and lived with us since age 4). We go shopping, for coffee and lunch weekly. She messages me every morning , we go to the theatre and have days out, it's lovely. We did have a tough couple.of teenage years but got over it pretty quick.

Paddleboarder · 07/12/2023 21:18

I enjoy spending time with my mum, it’s not difficult at all. We talk on the phone a lot. I don’t see my adult son that often since he lives away but when we are together it’s lovely. We face time a lot.

MatineeLaughs · 07/12/2023 21:20

I‘m 45 and my Mum is and always has been my favourite human being. She’s clever and interesting, funny and kind. I love her company. I count myself very lucky.

bryceQ · 07/12/2023 21:22

Honestly it's lovely. I work with my mum and love hanging out with her. She's wonderful and it's a pleasure. I can't imagine not speaking daily in fact

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2023 21:22

I loved my Mam but I think we had a very traditional Mother Daughter relationship. She loved and supported me and I'd have loved the chance to spend more relaxed time with her when my children were older. By then she was ill.

OneMiniMincePieTooFar · 07/12/2023 21:27

I find the relationship with my mum is complex - it's loaded with expectations, disappointments, similarities and differences; the need for space and he need for closeness; fear of rejection and fear of being needed too much.

BUT I enjoy spending time with her. She is good fun and we mostly rub along well. We work well together on projects, we are mostly good humoured with each other and make each other laugh. We are great friends.

She's also the only person in the world who I have always known for absolute sure that she loves me totally and always will. My Dad loves me but distance and divorce mean I haven't always felt loved by him. I have never doubted my mums love.

That is a true blessing and not one I take for granted. She is flawed and makes a ton of mistakes (as we all do). But she always, always loved her children from the moment she knew we existed until the end of days. That's pretty cool.

Original poster
bluecalendula · 07/12/2023 21:44

I’m finding this quite moving. And also a little heartbreaking, for me

Seeing people describe their mothers so fondly and with respect and admiration is so wonderful. I am truly happy for you

It all seems so foreign to me… so alien.

I’ve had quite a lot of therapy to unpick my relationship with my mum, which has really helped.. she isn’t a reflective person, and always has her own agenda that she puts first. She definitely knows best.

She’s amazing at ‘rescuing’ people and sorting their life out, loves telling people what to do. Not much capacity for gentle companionship and listening. Terrible listener in fact!

I think it’s the gentle companionship and acceptance I crave.

I too want to be a cycle breaker, as some here have described. I hope I can be that gentle spirit for my daughters, a place of comfort and warmth for them..

OP posts: