What’s it like having a mum you want to hang out with?

[bluecalendula]

I’m interested to hear from people that look forward to seeing, and enjoy spending time with their Mothers?

I have a tricky relationship with mine. I tell her stuff on a ‘need to know’ basis, never ask for advice, find her company challenging.

I have two little daughters, and worry about our relationship when they grow up. Most of my friends seem to find their mothers difficult. Is it just my generation (I’m 40)?

I would love for nothing more than to mutually enjoy my daughter’s company when they’re adults. Is this a pipe dream.. :(

I’m 40s my DM is mid 70s we have a tricky relationship however my MiL is mid 60s and she’s one of my best friends ! Love her dearly and have such fun with her

I think about this a lot. My mum was a great mother to small children but not a particularly great one to teenagers and adults: she was incredibly repressed and never wanted to talk about any of the important things in life and just made smalltalk mainly. I resented her quite a lot for just never really showing her true self - I felt she was all facade and I never got to know the real person and she was very absent in terms of providing support on really important things (talking about relationships, providing guidance on major life decisions etc). She would always steer the conversation back to "safe" topics.

Now she's dead I appreciate her a lot more but I would have done it differently.

I currently have a (mainly) good relationship with my 12 year old DD but I'm very anxious not to avoid becoming distanced as she heads into the teen years. I know I will probably find it difficult and I struggle to let go and allow her to make mistakes.

What a legacy your amazing mum left you @mrssunshinexxx
All she taught you about being a fabulous woman and incredible mum, your girls will benefit from that in their relationship with you. Its been 17 years since I lost my mum. I had more years than you did, so I was lucky, but I understand how cheated you feel. It gets easier, I promise. The gap is always there, but you learn to live around it and the memories make you smile more often than they make you cry.

No-one will ever make me feel more loved than my mum. It's been the biggest character forming influence on my life, feeling totally safe and secure in her love and approval, and it's very much what I strive for with my own child. I am so grateful for her and don't really take her for granted as she's just so amazing to me that I can't ever overlook it.

@5128gap thank you , sounds like neither of us have been lucky x

That first sentence really resonated with me. When my Mum died one of my first thoughts was that I’ll never know love like hers again. That feels really sad.

My mum (and dad) gave me the most wonderful secure childhood and has been the most brilliant supportive grandma to my kids. But we always had that traditional old fashioned mother /daugher relationship where she was never very open with me and there were certain conversations which could never be had eg periods, sex, boys etc.

even now I can’t tell her if I have a problem (unless it’s just the general day to day life stuff). For example, this week I had a biopsy on my cervix and also a breast examination (both nothing to particularly worry about); she knows I’ve had a couple of appts this week but I simply would never tell her the intimate nature of them as it’s just not the type of convo we have.

my own kids are 18 and 22 and I have the most open and close relationship with them. They tell me absolutely everything (sometimes it’s things I’d rather not know haha). But I’d prefer they did that rather than feel they couldn’t talk to me about certain subjects. They also enjoy spending time with me and are not embarrassed to come on a night out with me etc

strangely enough, they are very open with my mum themselves… and my mum is very accepting of those conversations; the type that I would never have been able to have with her at their age

@AppleDumplingWithCustard I totally agree. It's that unconditional love. Like no one will ever love your own children more or the same as you / us / their mum. Circle of life and all that but it sucks badly

Spending time with my DM is one of my favourite things to do. We do live 200 miles apart so that makes the time even more special. We chat, reminisce and have a laugh. After we lost my DF we spent a lot of time talking about him, it helped us both a lot. She is incredibly supportive and kind and an amazing grandma. My DGM lives with her so I am looking forward to a 4 generation female Christmas as I head to hers with my DD. I appreciate how fortunate I am to have that relationship and I don’t take it for granted.

My mum died 10 years ago when I was 36. But she was great and I loved spending time with her. When I was growing up, my friends loved coming around and spending time with her. She was great company. Her relationship with her own mother was difficult so I think she wanted to ensure that wouldn't with us. I miss her every day and am sad my daughter will never meet her.

Watching with interest

My world would implode without my mum. I’m 52 she’s 74. We speak most nights on the phone. I work full time and spend all day every Saturday with her (my house is a tip but hey ho, my mum won’t be here forever so the house can wait) She’s great company, great fun and the linchpin of our family.

@Milliemoos5. I too have a very close open relationship with my 2 DS’s. Like yours mine tell me everything. I do say to the 16 year old sometimes I think he forgets I’m his mum!! I do not need to know everything!! 😂

I love my mum so so much. She is a wonderful human being. Very special.

She lost her amazing husband in September very sadly.

They lived about a 30 minute drive away, which although not that far, I didn't see her as much as I would have liked.

Since her husband has passed, she has moved back to our home town and as said as it is I Der the circumstances, us siblings are so glad she is back here.

We pop in all the time. Go round for a glass of wine, drop her shopping off on our way home from work etc.,

Our mum is such a laugh. An amazing hugger and we just adore her.

I'm in my 40s and mum is mid 70s, but very young at heart.

*sad under the circumstances

My DC are early 20s. So far they both still like hanging out with me. We go to the cinema, on walks, out for drinks all that good stuff. I used to love spending time with my mum too, although because she was a single mum and worked a lot, there wasn't a lot of time to do that. She died 9 years ago and I miss being someone's daughter, and having that unconditional love.

It's not a pipe dream OP.
I come from a neglectful and abusive relationship with my own mother and was desperate not to repeat this with my own DD. She is 24 now and we are really close, we have lots of shared interests and we do lots together.

I have had a lot of therapy and I am still sad that my relationship with my own mother wasn't the relationship I needed as a child and isn't the relationship now that I would like as an adult. My mother was abused herself as a child so I have some understanding for how she was with her own children. I have broken the cycle, so have you. I too wonder what it must be like to have a good maternal relationship.

to everyone who did not get the mother that they needed as a child.

I had a similar relationship with my dm so was determined not to continue the cycle with my dd. I think we have a lovely relationship and we often choose to spend time together and enjoy days out etc

Same...but im the mum. I broke the cycle that my gran and mum set.. i spend time with DD shopping etc when she has time. Id never been shopping or lunch with my mum. She was toxic, unloving, misogynistic, cruel person. I broke that cycle...i wanted closeness and my daughter to be able to come to me about anything..she does... sometimes to my detriment 😂

I love hanging out with my mum. I don't see her often because I live abroad but I always look forward to her visits and sad when she leaves. Even as a teenager I enjoyed hanging out with her, I can't remember a time when I didn't enjoy her company.

I really really hope my children feel/will feel the same way about me. Right now my DD who is 12 likes nothing better than to watch telly with me in the evening, or chat about the books we're reading and or the programmes we're watching. I hope it lasts.

Hahah I hear ya! Although I’d rather they feel they can tell me everything rather than nothing at all! My 18 yr old recently asked me advice on his sexual relationship with his gf cos she has lost interest in it and he doesn’t want to push it but wants to know what he can do/say to be supportive and understanding of it. Both boys told me when they had sex for the first time or whether they snogged a girl at a party etc, eeeek.

although the plus side of it is that when they ask me these questions it’s always cos they wanna learn and grow from it. Both are conscious about being decent men around girls and how to behave respectfully. I find it pretty amazing tbh. I’ve raised my boys for 22 years as a single mum so I’m proud that a) I’ve raised them to be open with me and b) that they are trying to be as respectful to girls as possible. Looks like I drummed it into them enough times over the years and it’s pretty much worked!

I have no children but see the relationship my sister has with my niece, and given the precedent that was set with us/my mum and her/her mum, she's doing amazingly well. Our relationship with our mum is never less than stupidly, unnecessarily dramatic and complicated. She clearly didn't enjoy parenting when we were young. She did stuff with us, but only the things SHE wanted to do - ballet, music, museums etc. Anything she considered "shallow" she wasn't interested in, any kind of normal teenage angst re clothes, looks, boys, friends she wasn't interested in. She's impossibly easy to offend, and uses silence/non communication as a weapon. It honestly seems as though she doesn't know any other way to be, and at 76, it's too late for her to learn.

At the same time, she's very generous and really seems to WANT a close relationship where we tell her stuff. But she only wants to be told the things that she can relate to or try to control. Consequently we don't tell her stuff. She makes us anxious. It's really difficult - I wish it wasn't this way, but it is.

Sister is trying to do everything differently. It is possible.

I think it's exactly this that she didn't do. We never had that feeling that she had our backs, no matter what. It's unsettling and leads to a lack of "grounding".

@cantbecaught she sounds wonderful 😊

This is a really interesting thread, I’ve read it all and found it heartwarming for the most part and inspiring too. My mum has a very strong victim mentality and we are not close although I see her often. She is very needy, self involved and does not see the good in people, which I find claustrophobic and tedious. She does have some good qualities as well though. I am envious of those who can ring their mums for advice etc. I do try to appreciate her and look on the bright side of it all.

I suspect my mum could be autistic. She really struggles with relating to people. She's not warm, she doesn't hug. She doesn't ask how I'm doing. She doesn't show interest in my life. If she sees you struggling she won't jump to help, but if you ask her she never would say no. She wouldn't say she loves you.

I told her I finally got an interview for a job, after applying continuously since July. She basically had no reaction. Spending time with her makes me feel quite sad to be honest, as if no one cares about me. I do know she loves me, she looks after my boys once a week and she's great with small children. But she doesn't do the things that mums are supposed to do. When I've had tough times she hasn't been there.

When you talk to her the conversation invariably turns back to her own interests and concerns. You could tell her you broke your leg in three places and she would say oh I saw a nice ornament in the shop the other day. But she's not evil and malicious, it's like something isn't there.

She's very anxious in new situations and always looks for guidance as to what to do. Like we went to a cafe I'd never been to, and I had to explain that we should get a tray and line up. I know she hasn't had an easy life, and I know she does the best she can. But when I see and hear about other women and their mothers, when it's a close and warm relationship, I feel very sad inside.

Things were much worse when I was a child, but at least they're not that bad now. She's a good gran now too.