What’s it like having a mum you want to hang out with?

[bluecalendula]

I’m interested to hear from people that look forward to seeing, and enjoy spending time with their Mothers?

I have a tricky relationship with mine. I tell her stuff on a ‘need to know’ basis, never ask for advice, find her company challenging.

I have two little daughters, and worry about our relationship when they grow up. Most of my friends seem to find their mothers difficult. Is it just my generation (I’m 40)?

I would love for nothing more than to mutually enjoy my daughter’s company when they’re adults. Is this a pipe dream.. :(

My Mum died fourteen years ago. We absolutely adored each other. We loved spending time together and laughed a lot. We could talk to each other about anything and everything. She was generous to a fault, not just with money and gifts but she was there for me no matter what. After she died several people commented to me that her face would light up when I walked into the room. I loved and respected her and will always be grateful for the love and security she gave me. I was very lucky to have such a wonderful Mum.

My Mum was lovely. Unfortunately she passes away when i was 33, so i never had much of an 'adult' relationship with her. I could totally see us going shopping and for coffee though.

I’m 43 and speak to my Mum everyday, several times. She is by far and away the person I’m most close to. I’ve been happily married for years but it’s still my Mum I would ring if I needed advice. She was the same with her Mum and I was the same with my Granny, I have a daughter who I just assume I’ll be close to. I would happily eat out with my Mum, shop, do whatever - in fairness she’s 76 but everything about her is no different from hanging out with my mates in their 40s. The day she goes…well…I can’t even think about it.

Same here, my mum's mother was neglectful and borderline abusive.

She broke the cycle and is the best mum I could wish for ❤️

My mum is ok as long as I pretend that my life is perfect. I have never confided in her or asked for advice as she’s so judgemental: I tried as a teenager telling her I’d met a boy, as other girls did, and she blanked me as if she hadn’t heard me. I was so humiliated that I never told her anything again until I was 40 and going through a rough patch in my marriage, I tried to share it with her and she cried and made it all about her, telling me how hard it was during my brother’s divorce and I couldn’t do that to her. I then told her I was only joking and she told me not to joke about that again. That was the end of the conversation.
I’m trying to be the exact opposite with my 20 year old daughter, and we have the most wonderful relationship. She says I’m her best friend so it must be working!

I love spending time with my mum, we go away together every year and I see her at least a couple of times a week, but speak to her most days.

She is my go to for advice, kind, caring and funny. I hit the mum jackpot, I hope I can be the same to my children when they are older. Hi

OP your relationship with your Mum sounds very similar to mine, I find it so hard to spend time with her and really resent the fact that she recently moved less than a mile away from me.
I have two daughters and am desperate for our relationship to be better than mine with my Mum.

My DM is 94 and I still go on holiday with her, as she is great company and needs someone with her due to being a bit fragile physically. We talk every day for a few minutes. I am so lucky!

My mum is my best friend
She's a wonderful mum and Nan. She's warm, funny, supportive, caring, loving and we share similar in. We talk multiple times a day ansvi see her at least 3 times a week. We go shopping together, to the theatre, cinema and we can talk for hours. We have a good relationship with ds who is a young adult. We go to Comic con, cinema etc and he will talk to us about anything. He's out atva gig with his dad tonight. I think it's down to personality and upbringing.

My Mum is truely the most lovely, kind and warm person you could know. She is also great fun. She has never once said anything vaguely unkind or harsh to me. It's like she thinks I'm the most amazing, beautiful and clever person in the whole world. She is incredible. I think she made me who I am. I'm in my late 50s and I love hanging out with her.
I'm also very close to all my 4 adult children. I don't think I could be any closer to them. Like a previous poster said I also took care to treat them as adults from when they were mid teens, I never nagged them or guilted them into doing things even when I didn't think I would make the same decision. I genuinely respected their rights to make their own choices.
It massively helped that my kids are all sensible and hardworking.

I think the biggest reason we are close though is because we have a lot of fun together, we've always played a lot of computer games and board games together. I get treated more like an equal than like a 'Mum' . My kids think my Mum is as amazing as I do. It's all very wholesome.
My husband (their Dad) isn't as close to them even though he loves them all dearly. He isn't as much fun and he gives too much fatherly advice (all well intentioned but he does it in an irritating way)
The kids also get on unusually well together. They all have really nice partners but they always make time to hang out with each other. I think all the positive relationships stem from my Mum.

I can relate to your post OP as I have also always had a complicated relationship with my mum. I am an only child and my Dad was murdered when I was 2 1/2. My parents were already separated and my mother was with my Stepdad so we moved in with him and she tried to obliterate my Dad, dissing him if I ever asked about him (I was extremely close to my paternal grandparents who helped to raise me but she didn’t like them). I understand now that she was dealing with her own traumas but she didn’t know how to handle it. She did her best but was always overbearing and judgemental of my personality, very critical of my body and controlling with me and my Stepdad. I left the country at 20 (I’m 47) and although she is great as a grandma and we manage to coexist, I find her very irritating and triggering and do not enjoy hanging out with her.

I’m also in awe of people who consider their mothers as friends and worry about how my DC will see me when they become adults.

I wish I knew. I've had a shit relationship with my mum for 30 years since I was a teen.
It's especially hard to swallow because she was everything to me during my formative years. I have vivid treasured childhood memories, all involving my mum – reading to me every day, nurturing my interests, comforting me when I was sick, creating a safe and secure home where I felt loved, and home-cooked meals on the table.
Then I hit puberty and felt the full force of her abhorrence - I wasn't the person she wanted me to be, her anger blatant that she'd sacrificed so much of her previous life for me and deemed me unworthy (mostly thanks to my undiagnosed autism)
This made me the most insecure 20-something imaginable, desperately seeking approval from her and everyone around me, which led to more scathing judgment.
In my 30s, after delivering my stillborn son, she said: Oh well, you wanted a girl anyway so why the fuss? Perhaps your loss will give you more empathy?
She hasn't told me she loved me since I was 13. Since then she's said on countless occasions that I'm a failure, she thought I'd be more 'successful', and she wishes she never had me. Zero interest in my daughter, her only grandchild - even when my daughter was critically ill in hospital and her life was in the balance mum refused to come to my aid in way because she had a yoga class booked and couldn't let her instructor down.
I'm 45 now and my mum has advanced dementia. I'm doing everything I can to keep her from losing her home and going into care - all her washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, managing finances, medical appointments, etc. Every day when I visit her she narrows her eyes at me, won't let me help her, tells me to get out, etc

Thank fuck for my MIL. I know MIL's get a bad rap on MN but mine is incredible - involved without being intrusive, supportive without being judgmental, a true friend and an ear to lend at any hour of the day or night - no doubt this is why my husband and his four siblings are such awesome, fully-rounded people. I only wish she was my mum too but then of course, I couldn't have married her son!

Other way round here. I'm 26 and very close with my mum. She's one of my closest friends. We massively overshare, go shopping, go on nights out, have a laugh and don't take life to seriously.
We had a difficult relationship growing up but it's worked out for the best and I wouldn't have it any other way

@EUmumforever This resonates with me. It was really sad to read. Have been keeping my mum at arm's length for 20 years since nothing good ever came out of sharing anything with her.

She keeps whining that I do not bring my dd to visit her often enough. I separated and moved house 6 months ago, she did not offer any help or support, visited once (invited herself, it felt like an inspection from Ss to check that the place was suitable for her gd) and asked me if I had repented of it yet when she was 1 minute through the door.

It was on the tip of my tongue to reply to her that the only thing i did repent was having her for a mother.

@Palindrone that sounds really though. My condolences over the loss of your son.
I am amazed that you can find within yourself to care for your mother (at enormous personal sacrifice and possibly also sacrificing your time and resources for your own family) after her behaviour.
My father passed away with Alzheimer's.
My mother cared for him with complete disregard for his own wishes and morals.
The only thing that guided her in making medical decisions for him were her own morals.

You can be sure I am not in any hurry to prioritize her needs above mine or those of my dd.

I do love my mum. I really do. She did her best given her own dreadful upbringing.

However I wouldn't turn to her for anything unless I was absolutely desperate. She has a way of making any problem I have my own fault. There's always an element of 'that's what you get for...'.

Any time she calls me, I start shaking and my heart starts thumping. When I'm on my way to visit my parents my stomach is churning.

I've since realised that it's because she comes out with some of the most outrageous, banal, inane, ridiculous comments and if I don't respond to them like they are totally normal, it creates a big problem. Sometimes I'm the target, more often its just general stuff. She says and does things that shock me and yet she is always right. Being in her company drains me so much because I have to police every response and male sure that not only my words, but my tone and facial expressions are just right. I've discovered greyrock, but even that is challenging.

She sees life through the lens where she is centric to everything that's going on and she manages to triangulate herself into every single concept we discuss.

She also seems to harbour bitterness about everything. She has a problem with everything other people do and sees that negatives in everything. She comments on people's appearance all the time, as if they can help it or if someone has very broad shoulders or a pointy nose to spite her, or as if these ugly people are too stupid to not be more attractive.

She seems very bitter and jealous and always finds some kind of 'real' reason behind everything that other people do, always spotting some kind of sick or unpleasant motive for everything that other people do.

My little boy has remarkably beautiful, long eyelashes and she keeps going on about how he will grow out of them and they'll be normal sixe one day. Almost as if she doesn't want him to have them.

I push past a lot of my own confused feelings and keep our superficiL interactions positive and upbeat, but that is a drain. I think it drains her too because she wants to sit and complain and tell me about everyone who ever wronged her or slag off someone's weight gain or criticise my friends or mention how I've gained too much weight and my hair needs cut, but can't.

She is a very difficult person. I wish I enjoyed her company as I know we were close when I was a child. Until I started seeing her for who she was, and even that was very confusing as who I was seeing didn't match up to the kind, non judgemental, thoughtful, selfless Saint she told me she was.

It's difficult to explain because I had a good relationship with both of my parents and with MIL. DD lives independently, but when I visit her or she visits me we do stuff together as we have similar interests.

The relationship is easy and relaxed. We accept each other's foibles and enjoy each other's company.

I have a lovely relationship with my daughter and my two DiLs. I had an awful mother . As a young mum myself I always assumed that my daughter would not like me when she grew up. When I told her this a few years ago, she cried.

You are already on the right path to having a loving daughter because you are aware that it is your responsibility to make it happen. Just support her, love her, give her the tools for an independent life and she will love you. Not every day of every year, there will be times when your relationship will be tested, but you will get through it.

My mother was my tormentor for 95 years, l begrudgingly looked after her all that time. Despite my dreadful childhood, I am grateful for the one thing she taught me which was ‘how not to be a mother.’ Throughout my children’s young life I worried I would not be a good enough mother. The greatest compliment I ever got was when my children said that they wanted to give their children the same childhood as they had.

Honestly, it makes me feel guilty that I don’t spend. Ore time with her, especially as she is retired with a lot of free time and lives alone and only lives 5 minutes away.

but life is so busy with me working, having 3 kids with all their activities etc that sometimes more than a week can pass without seeing her (especially as we try to make an effort to see DHs local parents too).

I know I’m lucky though so can’t complain.

I feel for you so bad.

I think it’s ok to ‘love’ one’s mum and be grateful to them, but not actively like them.

In fact I’d say it’s essential to identify what you don’t like about them and openly acknowledge it, to stop the generational patterns. Therapy has helped me identify my mums many character flaws and it explains a lot of my childhood.

I always worry I’ll repeat her mistakes with my daughters(horrific temper, flares of violence, guilt manipulation, jealousy, always being right, never apologise)

its so heartening to read about all the women here who have broken cycles. I admire them so much.

my takeaway from this thread is that mums who are friends with their adult kids are good at letting their kids be, and not trying to relentlessly advise/criticise/micro manage/judge

for anyone struggling like I have, I really recommend finding a lovely therapist. Mine is in her late sixties and a gentle, wise person… in many ways I see in her what I miss out on with my mum. But she has helped me separate who I am from what my mum was, and so far my parenting is very very different

I love my mum to bits and I do enjoy seeing her (I'm 47 and she's 79) but of course there are also times when she can drive me mad. Most of that is to do with her age, I think. She's changed a lot over the past decade and she is a lot more stubborn about some really odd things. She doesn't have dementia but she is definitely more eccentric these days, and a lot of my friends have said the same about their own parents.

Going out for a meal with her, taking for a day out, having a stroll round the shops and then coffee and a cake - always very enjoyable. Staying at her house for a few days is a bit more stressful.

Sometimes it's just a personality thing with mums. I get on mostly very well with my mum. My sister, however, has a very different personality to mine and they clash a lot in ways I don't really understand. I find my sister A LOT more difficult than my mum.

I liked spending time with my mum, I enjoyed her company. That's not to say she couldn't be annoying but that pretty much applies to all of us really doesn't it. I wish she were still here, I miss her every day.

I wish I had a lovely mum I could hang out with :(

Mum and I were very close. She would phone me, ask how I was, I could say ‘I’m fine!’ and she’d immediately ask ‘what’s wrong?’ She’d know instinctively if I had a problem! I loved spending time with her, if ever anything was going wrong in my life, she was the first person I wanted…if she was there, then I knew I’d be OK. She was very funny with a very quick wit and we laughed our heads whenever we were together.

She’s been dead 27 years and I think of her every day. ❤️

I love my mum but we aren't close. I think it's because I feel pressure to maintain the pretence that my life is perfect. To avoid her seeing that it isn't, I keep her at a distance. I don't know why I feel this way, perhaps it's because my sister is so needy and they've always had the "at least you're ok" approach to me. But my sister and her are a lot closer, so this advice probably not helpful to you !

I'm 45 and most but not all of my friends have/had a good relationship with their mothers. I was very, very close to my late mum and she was my best friend. Father was a different story.