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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People not using MY surname

117 replies

ChilliPB · 07/12/2023 08:48

AIBU that I find this quite rude?

I didn’t change my surname when I got married, but all of DH’s family give me his surname on eg Christmas cards.

They address it to his first name, my first name, his surname.

Its a minor thing but I just find it rude not to use my actual name. They know for sure I didn’t change my name when we got married as when they send a card to just me, like a birthday card, they use my first name and my surname.

I imagine they’re either just defaulting to the His First Name, Her First Name and His Surname but surely in 2023 there are plenty of couples who don’t change their names on marriage, or live together and aren’t married? So they should be a bit more used to it? It’s not just older relatives - it’s his siblings as well.

How would you politely request they use your actual surname?

OP posts:
Bilingualspingual · 07/12/2023 08:49

Just say ‘oh by the way, my name is not Jo X, I’m still Jo Y’. That’s what I do. If they persist then they’re making a point so all you can do it repeat.

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 07/12/2023 08:50

If he makes the request it'll be more effective. It's annoying and unnecessary. It's not like Christmas cards require formal titles to send anyway

Finishingoff · 07/12/2023 08:52

This is exactly my situation and I find it infuriating. I also have a PhD and they always write Mrs which gets on my nerves too. I know I’ll get accused of being a pompous arse now but I nearly had a nervous breakdown getting the bloody thing so it would just be nice if they acknowledged it! I never say anything though….

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2023 08:55

I'm very tempted to stick back in the box with return to sender on when this happens to me.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2023 08:55

@Finishingoff
Sign your cards to them from Dr finishing

ExcellentFabulous · 07/12/2023 08:58

I was just about to say make it a point too to sign whatever you send/give them From [Title Your Name Your Surname] even in return.

That and remind them in conversation that your surname is your surname.

Finishingoff · 07/12/2023 09:00

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2023 08:55

@Finishingoff
Sign your cards to them from Dr finishing

🤣 I might try that!

SummaLuvin · 07/12/2023 09:01

If it's just on the envelope for the postal service I wouldn't get caught up on it being an offence. It's quicker and easier to write "John and Jane Smith" rather than "Mr John Smith and Ms Jane Davis". I often find myself being very lazy and simplifying down to "J & J Smith" - when you write a few cards it does make a difference and within the card I never write surnames and just start "Dear John and Jane..." If it's occurring within the card too then that might be more of a problem, similar if attending events like weddings if you name card has the wrong last name. I guess it's whether you think it is trying to be actively disrespectful?

RealBigBarbie · 07/12/2023 09:02

Finishingoff · 07/12/2023 08:52

This is exactly my situation and I find it infuriating. I also have a PhD and they always write Mrs which gets on my nerves too. I know I’ll get accused of being a pompous arse now but I nearly had a nervous breakdown getting the bloody thing so it would just be nice if they acknowledged it! I never say anything though….

So they should say Dr in the cards even though they’re family? Why do they even write Mrs? They should just say ‘To Jane & Dan,’ to make everyone’s lives easier

AgnesX · 07/12/2023 09:04

It's simpler addressing a card to Mr &Mrs Bloggs if you can't remember different surnames - it used to be the formal way that people brought up in the 70s/80s were taught.

It happens once a year and not worth getting worked up over. be grateful that you get cards, my miserable lot don't bother!

mumgodloveher · 07/12/2023 09:09

@RealBigBarbie I think she is referring to the envelope.

RealBigBarbie · 07/12/2023 09:10

mumgodloveher · 07/12/2023 09:09

@RealBigBarbie I think she is referring to the envelope.

That’s sent from someone else other than the In Laws? If so, then that isn’t the exact same thing at all and rather confusing!

pickledandpuzzled · 07/12/2023 09:13

I just default to one person on the envelope. The one I’m closest to. So it would be my brother’s name on the envelope, and John, Jane, little Joe and baby Jen inside.

lots of love Pickle and the gang.

ZiriForGood · 07/12/2023 09:15

It is rude.

Start signing your cards for them Chilli & John Chillisurname

Thisismyprobatequestionsname · 07/12/2023 09:15

Finishingoff · 07/12/2023 08:52

This is exactly my situation and I find it infuriating. I also have a PhD and they always write Mrs which gets on my nerves too. I know I’ll get accused of being a pompous arse now but I nearly had a nervous breakdown getting the bloody thing so it would just be nice if they acknowledged it! I never say anything though….

Same here! I usually use Ms instead of Mrs if it’s non work or non formal, as it’s nobody’s business whether I’m married or not, but if anyone defaults to Mrs then I quite enjoy watching them squirm when I say, no it’s ‘Dr’. It’s the only I time I wheel it out in that way. But you are right. It’s an hard earned title and I wonder if we would be apologising for it if we were men 🤔

Jellycats4life · 07/12/2023 09:18

I’ve been married for 13 years and kept my surname. My advice? Let it go. It confuses the shit out of people when you keep your name.

I’ve even had family members ask, kind of exasperatedly What’s your name? like it isn’t the same name I’ve always had, all my bloody life.

qwerty222 · 07/12/2023 09:21

I can relate so strongly to this. Any attempts to clear it up (even though they already know) have come across as uppity to them and has left an atmosphere. It's only his side too. Thing is, it's very uncommon not to change your name in our circles so I understand why they assume, I just wish they wouldn't do it after I've cleared it up. Making a point of correcting them doesn't make me feel better because it's awkward, but not correcting them leaves me stewing 😂I don't have the answer, I just wanted to show some solidarity.

Spottyfourtysomething · 07/12/2023 09:25

Yanbu. I didn’t change my name when I got married and it infuriated me that people would still send Christmas cards to me and my husband with me addressed as my first name and then his surname. I threatened to send them back with “not at this address” unless my husband told people on his side to stop doing it. It’s sexist in this day and age to either assume a woman takes her husbands surname or address her as such. I got married over 20 years ago and would like to think we’re making progress but sadly it seems not!

TrashedSofa · 07/12/2023 09:26

If you keep your own name, unfortunately there isn't a way to do that or remind people of it that won't cause some of them to see their arses.

FallingAutumnLeaf · 07/12/2023 09:34

AgnesX · 07/12/2023 09:04

It's simpler addressing a card to Mr &Mrs Bloggs if you can't remember different surnames - it used to be the formal way that people brought up in the 70s/80s were taught.

It happens once a year and not worth getting worked up over. be grateful that you get cards, my miserable lot don't bother!

Edited

Its also just as simple to address it to "Kevin and Louise" with no surnames if you can't be bothered t o write the full lot out

DeadButDelicious · 07/12/2023 09:37

Oh I can relate to this! I'm double barrelled, my surname-his surname, which deeply affronted my DH's grandparents, they didn't like it at all and would go out of their way to not use my actual name, they wouldn't even use my first name! Cards were addressed to Mrs DH's First name Last name, which really pissed me off. They'd make all sorts of comments about how I could call myself whatever I liked, I was a 'DH's last name now, whether I liked it or not'.

They only stopped when DD was born and they sent me a cheque as a gift for her and I had to call them and say thank you so much but I couldn't cash it as that wasn't my name and the bank wouldn't accept it. Up until that point I'd just ignored it, we didn't see them all that often and it was only an issue once every couple of years when they visited and a point of annoyance when the cards arrived. I think they genuinely thought I was just being awkward or something and didn't believe it was my actual legal name. I don't know.

Kanelsnegl · 07/12/2023 09:40

I hyphenated and everyone just leaves out my name entirely and just put his down. To make it worse my first name is also misspelled 9 out of 10 times.
Not the closest family luckily.

Actually bothers me more when they do it with my sons name. His first name is a family name from his side so when they leave out mine it's like I'm just entirely erased.
Pain in the arse and I don't know how to get people to stop. Have pointed it out.

SABM10 · 07/12/2023 09:43

Yeah, all cards etc from DH's family are to 'Mr and Mrs [his first name] [his surname]'.

It's particularly annoying cos his dad sends me a cheque for every birthday, which is of course a lovely thought but not so much when I can't cash it as the name is wrong. We've given up telling him my actual name now 😅

wudubelieveit · 07/12/2023 09:43

he he same here, bugs the hell out of me as i kept my own name for good reason! What is worse is that with all our joint bank accounts, even though I've been the one to set up and manage them , the bank letters themselves are always only addressed to my husband even though my name is first on the actual account details!

DinoHat · 07/12/2023 09:47

Do all these people know you closely or are they extended family?

People often misspell my name. It really doesn’t bother me.