People not using MY surname

[ChilliPB]

AIBU that I find this quite rude?

I didn’t change my surname when I got married, but all of DH’s family give me his surname on eg Christmas cards.

They address it to his first name, my first name, his surname.

Its a minor thing but I just find it rude not to use my actual name. They know for sure I didn’t change my name when we got married as when they send a card to just me, like a birthday card, they use my first name and my surname.

I imagine they’re either just defaulting to the His First Name, Her First Name and His Surname but surely in 2023 there are plenty of couples who don’t change their names on marriage, or live together and aren’t married? So they should be a bit more used to it? It’s not just older relatives - it’s his siblings as well.

How would you politely request they use your actual surname?

Has your Dh said anything to them? As it is his family he needs to tell them to stop unless he secretly likes it.

TBH B4 getting married,.I got cross at changing my name to his. Then got over it. It's sexist, but it was that or double barrelling, then I though of poor future kids...and sucked it up for them.

If you double barrel, how will your children double barrel two double barreled names?

These were my thoughts. I wanted the same surname as my children, but didn’t want to double barrel. DH has another child from a previous relationship and didn’t want to change his name and then his son have a different name.

Given that they do use the correct name when addressing a card just to you, like a birthday card, I don't think this would bother me.
It doesn't seem like they're trying to make a point. Yes it would be quicker to just write "John and Jane" rather than "John and Jane Smith" but it's their own time they're wasting. I know it's incorrect, but it would only bother me if they were doing it because they felt I should have changed my name. But since they address birthday cards correctly, it doesn't seem like it's that, so I'd probably leave it.

I had my first Mr & Mrs card from an elderly relative at the weekend. We're not even married! We did have a Civil Partnership last month though.

My partner's mum doesn't approve of me not using Mrs ( even though we're not married ) & was excited to show me the wrongly addressed card. I passed it over to my partner & asked him ( in front of her ) when he got married & who was this Mrs Bloggs. Made everyone laugh & got the point across without annoying anyone.

They already have a daughter in law who hasn't changed her name so you think they'd all be used to it by now.

If it were truly about anything being "easier" then why don't they ever default to her surname? Because we still live in a patriarchy and women are devalued and treated as subordinate to men, it's really that simple 🙄

We are Ms A Myname, Mr B Hisname (married 26 years) and Ds(17) is Mr C Myname-Hisname.
Despite all efforts to ensure everyone knows this, we still get cards to Mr&Mrs B Hisname. Drive us all insane, and I refuse to open or acknowledge anything addressed thus as is is not sent to me as I am not Mrs, B, or Hisname.

I'm perfectly happy with things addressed to Audrey and Bert, or The Myname-Hisname family, and things going astray are more likely to be redirected by my neighbours to Audrey and Bert tbh.

I grew up in the 70's and 80's and I was taught to address things to peoples correct names and honoratives, not to what I felt like calling them

This really annoys me. I would return to sender with ‘Not known at this address’. It’s not traditional, it’s downright rude.

This.

Slightly different situation but my (male) neighbour once commented on how I signed our xmas cards with my name first - so 'from MissRabbit, MrRabbit and BabyRabbit'

I mean, I designed the cards, paid for the cards, wrote the cards, then posted the damn things - why should my husbands name have come first?!

It must be a good 18 hours since this one last came up on AIBU!

And the answer is, whatever you call your DC, they will do what they want if and when they have kids. There are multiple cultures where it's usual to combine the surnames of both the mother and the father if you want real life examples of societies where this has happened for generations, but either way, regardless of what you do the answer to what will your DC do is always the same. They'll go for whatever they want.

We got another card today with His First Name, My First Name, His Surname.

He said he’ll speak to them or tell them he’s all changed his surname to mine and ask them to use that in future 😂

Actually it should my Dr and Mr Jones - according to proper etiquette, Dr comes first, whether it's a male or female member of the couple!

(Obviously Dr Jones and Mr Smith when different surnames!)

Oh dear, am I horribly old fashioned? I keep my maiden name for most things. But I would consider it rude to challenge DH family for calling me anything but marriedname. I would prefer my own name, but to me, them using the family name means that they are welcoming me as one of the family and proud to have me there. I have no wish to spurn them!

I think if you were 'horribly old fashioned' you'd have taken your husband's name.

The first time we got a card like that I said to DH there's a card for your parents here. Never occurred to me it was for us as I don't relate to us being mr and mrs x. Some people still do it but I just let it go.

I often write “Smith family” on cards addressed to the parents and the kids (it’s quick).

How would you feel about that if Smith were your husband’s name OP?

(actually I would probably go for Smith/Brown family if I knew the woman had kept her own name)

Meh, I can’t get worked up about this. Certain places like the GP still have me down as Miss Sparthan and I can’t be bothered to change it. It really isn’t affecting my life and I’d have to faff about providing ID and stuff. Other places have assumed I’m Mrs DHname and again I just ignore it. Schools tend to assume I’m Mrs DCname and I ignore that as well. My legal documents say Dr Sparthan. Family tend to use a mix of names - my mum will write Dr DHname while my Dad writes Dr Sparthan-DHname with a hyphen. MIL insists on calling me Mrs DHname because she finds it’s offensive that I don’t want to take her family name. None of it really affects my life in any way, I know what they mean and all of the letters arrive at the right place so why does it matter as long as the actual legal documents are correct?

Names on envelopes are pointless for delivery purposes yet have the potential to offend.

I might go for
“The inhabitants of” above the address in future.

It's odd isn't it? I've had it a few times from people who I mainly keep in touch with via Facebook. My name hasn't changed there so I really don't know why they think I am using my husband's surname.

Even my own mother says things like 'you can use your married name for some things'. Mum. My name is my name. It's always been the same name.

I think you should point it out to them. It's rude of them to use it.

FB wise, I've even had people who don't know DH and must've clicked on my profile to get his name!

I was brought up in the 70s and was taught that this was the 'correct way', but as I got to adulthood I realised it was just a sexist thing.
Ita as easy to write "D.Bloggs & J.Smith" on an envelope as it is to write "Mr and Mrs D Bloggs."

Given that birthday cards are addressed correctly this has nothing to do with not remembering someone's name.

Oh you poor, little sausage! You’ve really been through it haven’t you 🙄

You can tell them. But in my experience even people who were thoughtful enough to ask often don't remember. Which I find odd as I remember that sort of thing. Absolutely fucking hate "Mrs" for me. Ugh.

Bit rude. No need for that.