People not using MY surname

[ChilliPB]

AIBU that I find this quite rude?

I didn’t change my surname when I got married, but all of DH’s family give me his surname on eg Christmas cards.

They address it to his first name, my first name, his surname.

Its a minor thing but I just find it rude not to use my actual name. They know for sure I didn’t change my name when we got married as when they send a card to just me, like a birthday card, they use my first name and my surname.

I imagine they’re either just defaulting to the His First Name, Her First Name and His Surname but surely in 2023 there are plenty of couples who don’t change their names on marriage, or live together and aren’t married? So they should be a bit more used to it? It’s not just older relatives - it’s his siblings as well.

How would you politely request they use your actual surname?

My own bloomin' mother does this! Some people do it to make a point I'm sure. Others just don't know. I don't react!

Yep, my PiL always address Xmas cards to Mr and Mrs S surname. We both have doctorates.

Absolutely this.

To the posters who don't understand why some women find it upsetting to be called the wrong name, it's because, in my case, every time I get called the wrong name (which is my MIL's name) I am reminded of the above.

I hear you OP. I hate it too.

I did t change my name but it’s rarely been and issue . Plus it’s no biggie if someone does use my husbands name . To avoid problems with my own cards if unsure I just put to Bob and Sue.

They do this because it was a traditional way of doing it.
https://www.wikihow.com/Address-an-Envelope-to-a-Married-Couple

I find it infuriating to be honest, and my sister does it.

I've just been ranting to a friend about this. Even MY family do this to me! My aunt & my cousin, as well as my husband's aunt and loads of his friends address our Christmas card to Mr & Mrs his first initial, his surname. I have never used Mrs & did not change my surname when we married. It pisses me off that my existence is completely erased in the way that it's worded. Nothing in it refers accurately to me. I've spoken to my aunt twice about this in the past & she takes no notice. I wrote 'sender' with my actual name and address on her card this year. I doubt it'll make any difference. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. Surely it's reasonable to expect your family to know your name & to use it?

Mil used to send me cheques for Xmas and birthday presents addressed to Mrs dh's name. My account was in my name not his name. She knew this but said it was to hard to write a cheque to my maiden name (which she could manage before we married). Dh told me it would be passive aggressive to thank her for the contribution to the mortgage - which was the only place I could pay it into.

infuriating, you don’t even need to put surnames on. When I send cards to couples I just write first name & first name

I didn’t change my name either and I just don’t have the time or energy to care about something so minor so really I envy you. It is still the norm that women change their names when they marry, people are going to slip up on it sometimes, it is not a big deal aside from you making it one

There's no need for it. If it's easier then why not default to your name, not his.

I got married earlier this year and I got birthday cards addressed to Mrs Myfirstname HisSurname recently.

They know that's not my name, he's told them multiple times that I haven't and am not going to change it because they won't stop bringing it up.

I don't have a "maiden name" or a preferred name, I have a name that I have had all my life and isn't changing.

If I bring it up somehow I'm the one that looks unreasonable. I might just call them all by made up names this Christmas and see how they like it.

I’d be happy if members of my own family could make the effort to spell my first name right, couldn’t give a damn whether they get my last name right as it’s completely unimportant

When it's genuine error I really don't care. But my MIL does this deliberately and it does annoy me. She never once gave me a cheque for my birthday before DH and I got married. But started sending them (in envelopes addressed to Mrs DHs surname) after we got married. I think she does it deliberately so we can have this fun conversation annually...
MIL "why haven't you cashed that cheque yet"
Me "because my name is swiss meringue and you sent me a cheque addressed to Swiss chocolate, so I can't use it. Thank you for thinking of me though"
MIL "oh you still haven't gotten around to changing it to your married name"
Me "I don't have a married name, I have no plans to ever change my name"
MILshocked Pikachu face

It's been 10 years now and if I'm feeling particularly salty I'll write "not known at this address" on post she sends me and pop it back in the postbox.

Get into the habit of writing your return name and address on the back of envelopes/mail, that way you can write Mr X & Dr/Ms Y. That's what I did, and it worked. Having little labels printed make it even easier.

I love the little labels plan. In fact, in your place I might get labels printed that said “mr and Mrs hername “ specifically to pop on the back of the cards to the in-laws.

I'm all for getting rid of titles altogether. Why does an envelope need Mr and Mrs when inside it says Jane and John? The post office don't care, they just look at the address not the name. I rarely post anything to friends anymore but if I do I'd put first names only on the envelope.

Married 20 years and didn’t change my name. DH’s family all like to pretend I did. I just see it as a useful marker of who is a twat and who isn’t.

get this tho - bil and sil called one of their cats my first name so there would be a ‘olly Husbandname’ in the family.

How pointless is that ???

My mother (68) is APPALLED by the fact that when I married hubby and I both double-barrelled and I remained a Ms. She addresses cards with just our first names because she dare not write Mr and Mrs His Initial His (original) Last Name. She refuses to ever mention his new name either.
It's sad really.

Squirm?
Really?

Same here. Bugs the absolute s**t out of me. Have also thought about sending cards etc back. I took a photo of a Christmas card with Mrs A Husband's Name on it last year and WhatsApped it to my MIL with "who is this person? ;)" Will see what Christmas/birthday bring this year.

It's just an address for the post? We often get Christmas cards with the envelope addressed to just one of us, or to 'the DHsurname family' it's never crossed my mind to be offended. In the card itself is everyone's first names, or sometimes 'DHfirst name, my first name and family'
Should our DC be offended that folk can't remember or be bothered to name them individually? What a waste of energy.

Particularly OP as your birthday cards are correctly addressed to your name, because that card is for you, and his family recognise you have a different name. If they didn't do this you might be right to be a bit offended.

Do his parents live in your house?
Did you really think that it were you just making a point? It never occurred to you? Really? Fair enough that you were pissed off at them getting it wrong but it never occurred to you that it was for you both when it came to your house?

That is one of the most egregiously passive- aggressive things I think I've ever heard! I hope you have taken suitable revenge.

It shocked me how strongly some of my family reacted to my keeping my - our! - name. Uppity women need telling, I suppose.

@madeinmanc to be honest, them being themselves is the best revenge! They are like the opposite Roald Dalh quote about 'if you are ugly but kind then you will be beautiful and sunbeams will shoot from your eyes'. Bil and Sil are ugly and unkind. lol Pointless people