People not using MY surname

[ChilliPB]

AIBU that I find this quite rude?

I didn’t change my surname when I got married, but all of DH’s family give me his surname on eg Christmas cards.

They address it to his first name, my first name, his surname.

Its a minor thing but I just find it rude not to use my actual name. They know for sure I didn’t change my name when we got married as when they send a card to just me, like a birthday card, they use my first name and my surname.

I imagine they’re either just defaulting to the His First Name, Her First Name and His Surname but surely in 2023 there are plenty of couples who don’t change their names on marriage, or live together and aren’t married? So they should be a bit more used to it? It’s not just older relatives - it’s his siblings as well.

How would you politely request they use your actual surname?

It would not bother me on an envelope addressed to 2 people, for example a Christmas card. It’s shorthand in a way. Although l tend to use, for example, “Tony and Sue” (no surname).

But it would bother me on say a birthday card, which is specifically for you.

It's simpler addressing a card to Mr &Mrs Bloggs if you can't remember different surnames - it used to be the formal way that people brought up in the 70s/80s were taught.

Rather ageist - I was born early 60's - I'm not a bloody fossil!

Personally I just put first names on the envelope if a couple have mixed surnames.
The post office are really only interested in the house number and postcode (or not, given the amount of mail for the same apartment number in the building across the road that's delivered to me).
Very few of my friends changed their names on marriage, I occasionally used Mr & Mrs Maiden name to make a point. (I mostly send digital cards now)

Dr. Finishingoff - If I had a PhD everyone would know - you be pompous you deserve to be!!

Yes I agree. A lot of my friends still use my maiden name. I answer to both, really doesn’t bother me and is more about my relationship with that person and the context in which I met them.

Older relatives need training to do this. When I got married it was unusual to keep one’s name other than for professional purposes - ie the paperwork, bank etc. still had married name. I saw no point in doing things by halves so decided not to change my name at all.

I get the occasional cheque for birthdays written to married name and my father’s will and power of attorney use married name. Copy of marriage certificate to hand for this 😂 My pet personal hate is Christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Man’s first name Married Surname. Just say Mr and Mrs if you must but not his name

Thanks everyone!

It’s his parents, siblings etc that do it. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was his more distant relatives - I wouldn’t expect them to necessarily know that I’d kept my surname. But his parents and siblings do know I’ve kept my name.

I appreciate it’s quicker and easier to just write Mr and Mrs Smith but if the woman’s name isn’t Mrs Smith then it’s just wrong! If the couple weren’t married what would you do? I’d either write both names in full, or just use the first names on the envelope.

@RealBigBarbie
i agree that they could just put our names on with no titles but they address it to Mr and Mrs Smith when it’s actually Mr Smith and Dr Jones. It’s the refusal to recognise that I’m not Mrs Smith that annoys me. I have really lovely in-laws but they do have form for not being very thoughtful - I don’t drink alcohol (ever) and they also buy me booze!

I have my husband's surname - been married over 25 years now, and so does every single woman I know, including younger women - in their mid 20s and 30s, who are highly educated middle class professionals. I genuinely don't know a woman in real life who kept their surname name on marriage......

But I know quite a few women do ... And when you've specifically chosen to keep your own surname; for someone to keep addressing you and writing to you with your husband's surname is rude and ignorant. They are basically getting your name wrong.

I've got quite an unusual first name/Christian name and I've lost count of the amount of people who don't spell it right. (Can't be arsed to!) Even though I'm nearly fucking 60. Even some people who have known me 40-45-50+ years, still somehow seem to bloody spell it wrong. It's very frustrating.

And yes, when you've made it very clear, as a young woman who has recently married, that you want to maintain your maiden name/previous name, and people continually address you as your husband's name - that's rude and ignorant. It is completely disrespecting your wishes and saying your opinions and views don't matter. And, well, you're worth a little bit less than your husband really. Very rude.

Sadly, I would not expect this to stop - ever. Most women do take their husband's surname on marriage, and this is what most people expect, and whilst some people will respect your wishes, many will not, and will always continue to address you as 'Mrs Hisname.'

I agree that it's rude not to address someone by their preferred name, if you're aware of how they like to be known. It always really irritates me if I get correspondence addresses to Ms rather than Mrs.

This is how I feel @Finishingoff. They’re using a name that’s not mine. It just feels rude.

@FreshWinterMorning agree with all of what you’ve said.

Agree. It's not my "preferred name" it's my bloody name. There isn't a legal document in the land that has me as Mrs K Smith. It's Ms K Jones. I don't know why my mother in law thinks her Christmas card envelope is more correct than my passport, driving licence, bank account or house deeds.

I have the same initial as my mother in law and once handed her back her own card, saying "this was posted through our door but must be for you because that's not my name".

If this is a card to both of you I couldn't get hung up about it. When it comes to something just addressed to you, then I would make a fuss.

I do that as well depending on the age group. I've found that as lot of older people like the formal way.

Horses for courses.

I don't like it when Christmas cards are just addressed to DH - it makes me feel that I shouldn't be opening them. It's a minefield. I love your message inside though.

I think it's worse as it's not even a preferred name but someone's actual name.

I can't understand how some people turn it around to become the offended party for you nicely correcting them on using your actual name. It's just bizarre. Almost manipulative and gaslighting even.

It's infuriating on cards addressed to you both, but way worse is if it's your birthday card. I took my DH's surname but a dear friend who sends me a birthday card always addressed it using his initial, (Mrs J when I'm Mrs P) and last year used his full name (Mrs John Smith). That really gave me the rage. I sent her an email explaining, and she was very apologetic and said she does it with all her married friends, thought it was "correct" (I'm sure it was, back in 1823) and would stop doing it. She's just addressed the Christmas card to Mr and Mrs J Smith, so we'll see.

I honestly don't know why you can be bothered getting annoyed by this. It literally doesn't matter. Your eyes have to look at the wrong name for a couple of seconds, that's all. If it were meant maliciously then that's another matter but being annoyed because people are a bit lazy and thoughtless is pointless and so negative.

There are lots of things to get angry about in life. I don't think a mislabeled Xmas card should be one of them.

It honestly wouldn't bother me in the slightest. (and yes I do get people writing my name incorrectly all the time)

It is really a non issue, and partly generational. My grandparents would address cards to "Mr and Mrs Stephen Jones" for example, the wife didn't even get a 1st name mention! If they use yours for your own cards then I assume it is just because it is unnecessarily lengthy to write "Mr Stephen Jones and Mrs Betty Smith". I would just be grateful for the card and not worry about it. Focus on the intent - they have sent a card and use your name on cards just to you, so they are clearly not trying to make any kind of point so I would just leave it.

Yes my maiden name isn’t my preferred name, it’s my actual name! I’ve never used DH’s surname, on anything, literally everything is in my maiden name.

Is it once a year on the Christmas card? I'd suck it up and not waste more than a momentary "they're nobs" on this.

My family - aunts, cousins etc- do this. They even send my cards with husband’s surname . Can’t get too het up honestly, they are just more traditional than I am.

My sons name is double barelled. DH’s parents and brother always just use their surname. I’ve given up caring.

It's generally because they fundamentally don't approve of the decision to keep your own name. And either knowingly or unknowingly want some way to communicate that.

I feel your pain OP, I have the same problem (sometimes even from my own father!). I've given up making a fuss about it though.. we just joke whenever one arrives.. DH will pick up the post and say 'oh dear, someone is writing to my parents again!'

I get this too but it's never bothered me in the slightest. Not worth getting worked up about.