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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this sounds like a rubbish Christmas Day?

356 replies

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 00:14

We have a 4 year old and a baby. This year we are spending Christmas with the in-laws (they live in a different EU country). DH’s bro and sis will be there, with their kids (both aged 6). The massive fly in the ointment this year is, my SIL couldn’t come on the 24th due to work, so she she’s travelling up on the 25th with her partner and child, arriving at MIL’s around 4pm. It has therefore been decided that we won’t open presents until DSIL and co arrive, at around 4pm. We’ll then have our proper full Christmas Dinner on the 26th.

Am I being a consumeristic spoilt drama queen who is raising my children to be consumeristic spoilt drama queens, or does that sound like a really shit plan when you’ve got little kids?

It had apparently been proposed that we could potentially lie to the children and tell them it’s Christmas Eve on the 25th, and act as though it’s Christmas Day on the 26th, but that idea was rejected for some reason (I wasn’t involved in the conversations so I’m not sure why - it sounds like the ideal solution to me).

Another idea I have thought of would be to let the children open a couple of presents when they wake up and then open the rest when SIL and co arrive.

I can just hear the tantrums now, when our DC wake up on the 25th to be told “yes, Father Christmas has been, but don’t you dare touch those presents!”. I am struggling to think of a way of selling it to her. (There’s also the fact that I think it sounds a bit rubbish for the adults too… Just doing nothing all day until 4pm, and the kids won’t even be distracted with their new toys…)

AIBU to insist and say the proposed plan doesn’t work for us and we want to either do Christmas on the 26th, or let the children open a few presents on Christmas morning? Or am I being materialistic and selfish and we should just go with the flow?

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 07/12/2023 09:25

Make an extra stocking with small , wrapped gifts your children can open first thing? Or a “ family box” of games / small toys that might keep them amused until 4 pm. Does sound like a stressful day though 🙁

Drlate · 07/12/2023 09:26

Good luck getting a 6 year old not to open their presents as soon as they wake up (usually at 4 am, let’s face it!). There’s no way they’ll wait to open them until 4.30pm, absolutely ludicrous and borderline cruel idea at that age!

twilly · 07/12/2023 09:26

You kids open Santa first thing - end of. I wouldn’t compromise on that. Other gifts can be done later

Hibye23289 · 07/12/2023 09:29

Omg that is awful! No you're not being a spoilt brat but yes you should be anyway it is yours and your childrens christmas, you give them the memories you want not what someone else has dictated! Omg I feel for you!!

Wife2b · 07/12/2023 09:37

Let your child open his presents - sod the in-laws. It’s Christmas, the children come first. Get some daft board games to play with the others and then have the roast at 6pm, do adults presents once the children have gone to bed.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2023 09:42

I absolutely disapprove of this idiotic lying to kids about dates. People do it with birthdays too. It's mad IMHO. So don't do that. The baby won't know. Four year old is old enough to understand we are having the special dinner tomorrow because of ex's travel plans.

But I don't see why dc's need to wait to open their presents. People get in knots over presents from Santa. Easiest thing a stocking filled by Santa and maybe one or two presents. Rest from relatives friends. He is far too busy these days.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 07/12/2023 09:44

Bet you a bag of chocolate coins sil's dc will have already opened their presents from sil before they arrive...

thedementedelf · 07/12/2023 09:45

Can't they open santas presents in the morning and the family presents in the afternoon when they arrive?

It's really unreasonable of them to expect a 4 year old to wait about all day with wrapped presents from Santa. I can guarantee that the 6 year old will have opened their presents that morning.

JuliaJoJelly · 07/12/2023 09:46

This seems crazy.

If you are being asked to make a compromise so should they.

That seems like a miserable Christmas day - My daughter was 4 last year was so excited, I can't imagine telling her to wait 8 hours to open presents for an arbitrary reason. I also can't believe someone would stick their kids on a train for 8 hours on Christmas day with not a hint of a present. I give my kid presents to keep her amused on a 5 hour train journey never mind one on Christmas day!

I think they should be able to open sticking and Santa presents first thing - gives them something to do all day. Then family presents when SIL arrives.

Just because it is in their house, you don't need to concede all your traditions, I certainly wouldn't.

For everyone saying that the kids are brats, spoiled, need their behaviour looked at etc if they can't wait. That is ridiculous. Kids believe that Santa has left them presents and want to open them. Of course they will get grumpy if told no, especially in a foreign house with no apparent Christmas excitement or I assume toys for them to play with.

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 09:48

I personally think it's rotten to make a four-year-old wait until past 4pm to open presents on Christmas Day. Either pretend Christmas Day is Christmas Eve, or let her open her presents from you and DH/'Santa' as soon as she wakes up and then she can open the family presents when your SIL arrives.

DoooooWhoop · 07/12/2023 09:54

No no no no no no this is exactly why we always do Christmas Day by ourselves!!! Our time now, our rules.

What country is this??

Tooshytoshine · 07/12/2023 09:54

Just say no or shift Xmas back a day. We used to do this with the kids birthdays at this age so they always fell on a weekend.

My partner used to have to wait until after the queen's speech to open her presents on Xmas day. Her parent's are against the royal family but enjoy arbitrary rules. They tried to impose this on our kids when they stayed at Xmas. We compromised that they could open their present from them after the queen's speech. Could you not compromise with this that the kids can open presents from the relatives all together but have some gifts earlier in the day?

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 09:56

LlynTegid · 07/12/2023 07:23

Wait until 4pm. Teaching a child to consider others is no bad thing.

I mean, I wouldn't choose Christmas Day to teach a four-year-old that 'considering others' means having to be bored all day while you wait for an adult who, for some reason, feels that a four-year-old isn't allowed to open any gifts without the presence of extended family to bear witness to it.

There are a million ways to teach children to consider others. This isn't really a good one.

Original poster
Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 09:57

DappledThings · 07/12/2023 08:30

If the children don’t know the exact date, that means postponing the whole thing until the 26th shouldn’t be a problem, no
But that means your SIL's DC either have to wait even longer till the 26th or you have to rely on them to keep up this pretence about it being the 25th on the 26th. It would be far easier for everyone if you stop obsessing about "the magic" and just open presents a bit later in the day like many people do.

So what, no leaving out sherry and a carrot for Father Christmas, no build-up, no Christmas Eve activities, no telling them to go to sleep early or Santa won’t come, none of it, just wake up like it’s a normal day, and then BOOM, at 4pm ”right, here are your presents. Open them.”?

The “magic” of Christmas for the children is literally the whole point of the whole charade as far as I’m concerned. The adults don’t care anywhere near as much about the presents so they, let’s face it. Without the children’s “magic” it’s just a dull day where you get bloated and lethargic from daytime drinking.

OP posts:
Ijustdontcare · 07/12/2023 09:58

Have you actually spoken to SIL about this, or has it all come from BIL and MIL?

She's coming on the train (about 6 hours if my maths is correct) with a 6-year-old on Christmas day not a chance in hell she is packing all the presents up and carting them around with her only to have to do the same again a couple of days later on the way home.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 07/12/2023 09:59

Christmas stocking. Open in bed out of sight of everyone else. Breakfast, long old walk, lunch, couple of Christmas films.
Or just feign illness and stay home.

HMW1906 · 07/12/2023 10:03

Is there no other way SIL can get there earlier? Does she drive? Can you all pitch in for a hire car for a few days for her so that she can drive up on Christmas Eve instead? Can someone go and
collect her from wherever she lives? There’ll be extra costs for everyone but it’ll solve the present problem and you all get to spend Christmas Day together.

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/12/2023 10:07

It's not uncommon in other countries for Father Xmas to come in the evening. Ours always came after dinner on the 24th (families gather together on xmas eve, not xmas day).

Tell them father xmas gets there later than in England.

DappledThings · 07/12/2023 10:08

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 09:57

So what, no leaving out sherry and a carrot for Father Christmas, no build-up, no Christmas Eve activities, no telling them to go to sleep early or Santa won’t come, none of it, just wake up like it’s a normal day, and then BOOM, at 4pm ”right, here are your presents. Open them.”?

The “magic” of Christmas for the children is literally the whole point of the whole charade as far as I’m concerned. The adults don’t care anywhere near as much about the presents so they, let’s face it. Without the children’s “magic” it’s just a dull day where you get bloated and lethargic from daytime drinking.

Show quote history

No, I'm saying do all the sherry, carrots etc and get a stocking left. That's the morning thing. Everything else arrives with you, doesn't need to be hidden and can wait till 4. You still get to play along with the Father Christmas thing but you don't need to obsess about them questioning the date or it not being enough or whatever.

TheMainChristmasCharacter · 07/12/2023 10:10

We had family who didn’t arrive until 2pm last year. All the other children opened their stockings first thing as usual then we opened presents from the other side of the family/other people through the morning and saved presents from that side of the family until they got there. It worked well but 2pm is quite different to 4/5pm and they would have driven us all mad asking if they’d had to wait to open everything!

SpringerLink · 07/12/2023 10:11

I'm from a family with a lot of doctors, so often adults are working Xmas day, or nights, or something else less convenient. We always defer the "big" célébration until everyone can be there. Even if that means Xmas is on 27th or 28th December. The point of it is to be with your nearest and dearest, having a lovely time together. The actual date doesn't matter.

I think you are being a precious drama queen.

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 10:15

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 09:06

I don’t intend to go all guns blazing… I’m hoping we can discuss something that works for all of us…

And yes, no hard feelings at all towards SIL for arriving late. Basically there are limited train places from hers to MIL’s, and they all sold out for the 23rd and 24th as soon as they became available so it was either don’t come, or come on Christmas Day. She obviously really wants to spend Christmas with her parents and siblings, and feels the effort and inconvenience is worth it, which I think is lovely. They are all lovely, it’s just they can all be very strong-willed while DH is very much a people pleaser. That coupled with cultural differences that we sometimes don’t even realise exist until a couple of years later means there is sometimes some tension between our respective expectations of what makes for a workable and enjoyable plan for everyone. For example, I still don’t really understand what they tell their children about Father Christmas, so I’ve asked DH to talk to them about that, because whatever we do this year could have a knock-on effect on future christmases at home too (if, for example, they aren’t bothering to pretend Santa is real, then that has the potential to ruin DD’s belief before her 4th birthday, which I would find very upsetting).

Show quote history

it sounds as though you all get along fine.

I also think it is ok for (even very young) children to learn to wait for a while, for a good family occasion, and i also think it's good when at the InLaws to let them set the schedule/tone (as long as not hugely unreasonable) when you're at theirs, and then when they come to you, you set the schedule.

Especially in families with more than one culture - because otherwise the message the children can receive is "our culture always takes precedence)

But i do feel in this case that the SIL is the one being inconvenienced more than anyone else and would tend towards what SIL wants as she has the most inconvenience.

And to all the "nobody makes their kids wait". Meh. We did (stockings were given) and it hasn't hurt them. In fact even now as adults they say that it was fun stretching the anticipation and just playing games and eating all the good snacks on the 25th. They are even sometimes nostalgic for the "christmas day dinner" of fishfingers and baked beans

AyrshireTryer · 07/12/2023 10:20

My hippie dippy parents really didn't talk about Santa.
It was always that the people who loved my sister and I had sent cards and some had even purchased presents for us.
When I went to school I remember telling the other children this and that there was no Santa/Father Christmas.
My mother was called into the school!
However, it did truly help them with logistics.
"We haven't seen Uncle John as he has been ill, but he is coming on Boxing Day and you will get your present then. " My mother,
"OK then." us kids.
My mother and her family, when she was a child, always did presents on Boxing Day anyway.

Cosycover · 07/12/2023 10:21

My children would be opening their presents when I decided. Not when my SIL decides.

AyrshireTryer · 07/12/2023 10:22

Viviennemary · 07/12/2023 09:42

I absolutely disapprove of this idiotic lying to kids about dates. People do it with birthdays too. It's mad IMHO. So don't do that. The baby won't know. Four year old is old enough to understand we are having the special dinner tomorrow because of ex's travel plans.

But I don't see why dc's need to wait to open their presents. People get in knots over presents from Santa. Easiest thing a stocking filled by Santa and maybe one or two presents. Rest from relatives friends. He is far too busy these days.

But isn't the whole Santa thing a big lie?
I appreciate I'll get shot down for that.