Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be annoyed at being used as a secretary for my DH by my MIL?

111 replies

IdealisticCynic · 06/12/2023 09:55

First - I really, really, like my MIL: this is not a post to have a go at her. I just want to vent a little and see if this happens to other women.

Basically, my MIL often messages or calls me to pass messages on to my DH or send on invitations about family events - even ones I am not invited to. She always says she does it because my DH is so very busy with work etc.

The thing is - I also work full time! If anything, I do longer hours. My job is more pressured than DH’s and while earning a lot less than him, I am reasonably successful, some of which is in public so she knows about that - and often tells me she is proud of me because she is lovely.

So why oh why am I the person who receives calls and messages - during working hours - with info to pass on? Are there just some people who can’t contemplate that a woman’s job is as difficult or important as a man’s?

But also - is it just her? Or do other women have to deal with this??

(I am aware of the irony of me posting this during working hours btw, I’m just waiting for the kettle to boil!)

OP posts:

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 06/12/2023 19:28

disappearingfish · 06/12/2023 19:08

It's just plain sexism. You need to tell her to stop (kindly).

Absolutely. It was a method women used for centuries to marginalise men.

Now women have to work outside the home, they don't want the men marginalised quite so much.

CaineRaine · 06/12/2023 19:41

If you have an otherwise good relationship with her, I’m not sure I could get annoyed about this. Get your DH to set up a group chat for the three of you, mute it and direct everything there. Your DH just has to explain to her he’s done it so you’re both aware of any plans.

wafflingworrier · 06/12/2023 19:53

This happened a lot early in my marriage, a few years ago we told all daily that from now on stuff to do with my side would b dealt with by me and vice versa. When anyone ever texts I just reply "ask DH" bluntly. It has been great and I would recommend it.

Original poster

IdealisticCynic · 06/12/2023 20:28

These replies have made me feel much less annoyed, thank you. It’s great to know I am not the only one! And it sounds worse for others - she has never suggested, for example, that I should be the person who sorts out their family stuff or sends cards to DH’s relatives etc. I’m not sure I would have coped, or even managed to be polite about that! Well done to those of you navigating such madness.

I don’t agree with those who think I should bluntly tell her to stop. She’s a lovely woman and would be so hurt if I was in any way sharp with her. I am not someone who is unable to stand up for myself - I just don’t thinks it needs to be done at the cost of upsetting a very nice woman over something that is annoying but ultimately manageable.

Ultimately she is acting on what she is used to and knows, i.e. that wives are in charge of all things social. I am one of the only woman in the entire extended family who has a job! And my DH is genuinely forgetful. It’s not weaponised incompetence, he forgets things at work too! He’s extremely clever but his dyslexia affects his memory and organisational skills. So I can see, when less annoyed, why she comes to me.

I think the WhatsApp Group is a great idea and should (largely) fix this issue. Will institute one this weekend. Thank you for the suggestion!

OP posts:

pizzafordinneragain · 07/12/2023 07:30

I don’t answer the phone to MIL. Firstly, it’s because she calls on Whatsapp, which is really announcing and my phone is not set to notify me of Whatsapp calls. Secondly, it’s because it’s just because she hasn’t had an answer from DH, who usually hasn’t answered because he’s on the loo or because it’s 8am on a Sunday and he’s still in bed.

HalebiHabibti · 07/12/2023 07:34

I like your style OP, and it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your MIL. I hope the WA group is effective :)

Jaybail · 07/12/2023 09:10

People do it to us (yep, me too) because we let them. We've allowed everyone to see us as a safe pair of hands and while that is flattering, and let's be honest we like that we are considered to be capable and the one to trust, it's also a drain. It sounds like you are in the phase where you resent it now, so it's time to draw the line. A polite, "sorry, tied up with work all day, please send direct to DJ in case I forget" then move away from the switchboard!

gemma19846 · 07/12/2023 09:22

Just say to her youre really busy at work would she mind messaging DH directly. Problem solved

Mumaway · 07/12/2023 09:24

This, a thousand times. I am not the household administrator, I am definitely not DHs secretary, and I'm not her daughter, so she can just wait and speak to her own son.

Pacificisolated · 07/12/2023 10:03

Family WhatsApp groups are a great idea. We have one for my DH’s siblings and partners.
When it comes to family social events I think PILs probably message us both equally but call DH more because I am less likely to pick up.
MIL definitely mostly texts me RE arrangements for regular childcare and events for my DD. Her experience of parenting was that she was primary carer and FIL was very hands off, so even though she knows DH is very hands on (and she approves of this) I think she still prefers to let me know because she doesn’t want me to feel she is bypassing me. No need at all but a few extra messages are no problem to me and I appreciate her consideration even if it’s not warranted. She had an awful MIL and wants to make sure she doesn’t upset her DILs.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/12/2023 11:58

Borrow your husbands phone and set up a group chat for her to send invites/essential updates on. If it gets used for all sorts of shite (isn’t the sky pretty today) leave the chat.

crumblingschools · 07/12/2023 12:14

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams if the MIL is lonely (and OP gets on with her) there is nothing wrong with the MIL posting things like ‘doesn’t the sky look pretty today’ as long as she doesn’t expect an immediate response.
MIL and will send random comments/photos like that to each other. She lives hundreds of miles away from us, so doesn’t get to see us in person very often, so nice to have this form of communication

InSpainTheRain · 07/12/2023 12:22

Obviously don't answer the phone, emails or messages when you are working or super busy. If she messages with a message for DH wait until you have stopped work then just reply "Sorry, busy at the moment, can you message DH direct please? Hope you're well xx". A few messages like that and drop the rope a couple of time with "Oh sorry missed this, perhaps tell DH if still needed" and she'll get it. Mine used to do this all the time - and I ended up doing the jobs because DH never did. I had both of my own parents to help as well (only child) whereas DH is one of 5, so I just stopped. I did warn DH first though so he knew he had to pick up the slack.

minipie · 07/12/2023 12:31

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 06/12/2023 19:28

Absolutely. It was a method women used for centuries to marginalise men.

Now women have to work outside the home, they don't want the men marginalised quite so much.

Show quote history

WTAF? Are you saying that for years women deliberately and selfishly kept all the domestic admin to themselves? While the poor menz were just wishing they could be included in the birthday card buying, Christmas logistics and finding a weekend to visit?

Right.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/12/2023 12:38

My Mum was always a bit like this.

She'd always ask DP what she should get DD for her birthday / Christmas, which we let slip because we assumed it was due to DP working in Toys r us.

But then one day I forgot my Mums birthday (happened once only, I had a lot going on and it genuinely slipped my mind).

Mum had a brief go at me, and then started berating DP that she hadn't reminded me.

Having to point out to her that it was my fault, not DPs, that I was her son and so it was my responsibility, whilst she was annoyed with me was a very tricky needle to thread!

The best part was that Mum had always complained that her in-laws treated her like Dad's receptionist, and here she was perpetuating it!

Chalkdowns · 07/12/2023 12:40

It must be really annoying for you. I think you need to stop being the messenger in whatever way you can. Why don’t you forward the messages to a WhatsApp group with the 3 of you on?

my mum uses me to pass messages to my kids, who have their own phones. It’s mildly annoying. But my MIL definitely does not send me messages for my DH. I’m afraid I was pretty bad at answering her phone calls when we got married so she learnt not to bother me. I was a bit unfriendly but she is so old fashioned and sexist that I had to draw up really firm boundaries.

Historybooks · 07/12/2023 12:42

It's DH, because he's not organised. Same happens to me though to a lesser degree. DH doesn't check what time MIL is coming. I ask as I can't stand the lack of planning. So sometimes I ended up as a go between.

I stopped but that's because my MIL is rude but could equally apply in your situation. Now if she messages I'm slow to respond or I say, best to ask him next time u see him.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/12/2023 17:05

crumblingschools · 07/12/2023 12:14

Then she can message her directly. The point is to separate out the information in such a way that DH can't ignore or miss because it is lost in inanities.

We have a group chat with MIL that's just DH and I; and another that includes the kids and BIL etc that's used for pics of the garden in the snow and other stuff. I know I can ignore it if I'm working.

My own family WhatsApp is full of shite. Can never find anything useful when I trawl back through it but that's a different issue. The point of the post is to stop being the conduit.

Mostlyoblivious · 07/12/2023 21:35

It’s because you have boobs.
The WhatsApp group is a solid way forward

Kezzy16 · 07/12/2023 23:21

Mine would always call/text me because she knew that I would answer and then have a convo with her or respond. She’d use the excuse of never knowing when dh was at work even though my schedule would be all over the place and his same each week 🤣. This was all until dh was feeling left out and jealous that he confronted mil and she now doesn’t message me unless I’ve messaged her first. Which means I’m never in the loop of anything🤣 as we live so far away we hardly see her.

neilyoungismyhero · 07/12/2023 23:25

You obviously get on with her why can't you just message or speak to her and advise her it's best to communicate the information directly to her son because he is in a better working environment to take calls and read her messages.
Maybe re explain your work situation to her if needs be.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 00:10

She does this because it works/ you respond better than her son does. Stop replying or reply a week later saying 'I keep forgetting to mention to him sorry' or start a group WhatsApp for the three of you and each time
She asks say it again on there

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 08/12/2023 07:42

minipie · 07/12/2023 12:31

Right.

Show quote history

Of course I'm saying that. It is how women ensured they were in charge of their home. Knowledge is power.

GirlsAndPenguins · 08/12/2023 07:50

If it’s anything like my DH…because he doesn’t respond to her messages, because he gives one syllable answer, because if asked if he is free on a certain date his response will always be ‘I need to with DW’.
May as well cut out the middle man and come straight to the source of family organisation 🤣🤣

SavBlancTonight · 08/12/2023 08:00

I see the WhatsApp group has been suggested. Good call. Unfortunately it might not work... SIL still texts me directly to.organise things. Drives me absolutely batty.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5