To be annoyed at being used as a secretary for my DH by my MIL?

[IdealisticCynic]

First - I really, really, like my MIL: this is not a post to have a go at her. I just want to vent a little and see if this happens to other women.

Basically, my MIL often messages or calls me to pass messages on to my DH or send on invitations about family events - even ones I am not invited to. She always says she does it because my DH is so very busy with work etc.

The thing is - I also work full time! If anything, I do longer hours. My job is more pressured than DH’s and while earning a lot less than him, I am reasonably successful, some of which is in public so she knows about that - and often tells me she is proud of me because she is lovely.

So why oh why am I the person who receives calls and messages - during working hours - with info to pass on? Are there just some people who can’t contemplate that a woman’s job is as difficult or important as a man’s?

But also - is it just her? Or do other women have to deal with this??

(I am aware of the irony of me posting this during working hours btw, I’m just waiting for the kettle to boil!)

😂 this is hilarious

Sending you invitations to family events that you are not even invited to is just mad. How does she make it clear that you’re not invited?!

I would just say “sounds nice, just let DH know the details” or something.

Set up a WhatsApp group with the 3 of you, and demand all messages for DH are sent there.

I have had this- for family plans, birthday cards and thank yous MIL wants me to send on behalf of DH, and admin on his side of the family. I let her know directly that DH handles admin for his side of the family and I handle the admin for mine. If MIL calls me in the day and I'm busy, I ask DH to call her back and ask what it is that she needs. This has mostly worked but I still get the odd request from my MIL to do family admin. I also left the family WhatsApp which helped massively. DH is still on it.

And- I don't relay messages. When I'm asked about things relating to DH, I suggest MIL contact him directly.

I realise this could seem a little abrasive but if I didn't do this MIL would explain me to be the family planner like a family secretary for husband CEO, and that isn't how we manage our family life.

This is for your dh to sort.

He could start a three way group chat but be proactive doing all the responding. We have this, I'm in a three way group chat with MIL but I'm the lurker. I'm also in a three way group chat with my own mum and dh and he's the lurker (although we all post our wordle scores each morning because my dm likes it)

Alternatively he could message his dm more often and tell her specifically he'd like to be the one who arranges things

@curtaintwitcher78 and@MissPettigrewIsWFH (excellent user name, love that book) I think you were both very restrained not to throw the damned thing at her head.

Birthday book for HIS extended family. Such a cheek.

You’re not the only one. It annoys my DH too- he’s perfectly capable of handling this stuff himself! I just forward it on now and tell her that he’ll be in touch about it.

Aw I've had this. It always swings between treating DH as if he's very busy and important or completely incapable of remembering/organising things.

I think it just old fashioned mindset and nothing insidious. Obviously I'm the most busy and important and I'm not afraid to tell people.

Tell her you are also so busy with work so can't talk right now/don’t answer her calls/ignore the texts, so she’ll have to contact DH instead. Like a broken record.

I'm have had this too but it's got a lot better as I basically tell DP to call his mum or message back and tell her to contact him directly.

I actually found it quite disrespectful that his job and time was seen by her as more important than mine.

She also used to try to get me to collude with the idea that he's a bit useless which is why she has to contact me which is both not true and felt disrespectful to DP.

Same!

It’s a mix of women of an older generation often working less than their DHs or not at all, and a realisation that their DSs are often useless at organising family things, as well as a desire to chat to other women (as in my case, MIL has no daughters). My DH would have no interest at all in what she’s knitting for her great grandchildren; I, on the other hand, do. If there’s no reason why she shouldn’t ring him, just ignore the calls and she’ll get the message. When she next talks about him being very busy, remind her in a pleasant way that you are too! You can do it in a way that doesn’t make her feel bad. My MIL understands that.

This is a situation where you should feel free to deplay weaponised incompetence.

Take the messages, then forget to write them down, pass them on, etc and let her know it's because you're so busy. She'll get the message and stop doing it sooner or later.

Solidarity with you here.

Many years ago, DP's Mum had a real go at me as he hadn't sent her a birthday card. Now I'd bought the card and put it in front of him to sign, but it didn't happen. So I told her this, she wasn't happy with me, DP wasn't happy either, but she did receive birthday cards from him from then on and most importantly from my point of view, organised by him.

Sorry IdealisticCynic - I'm not buying your DH is forgetful - he holds down a full time job- his memory is not the problem, his motivation is.

My mother suffers from the “men are useless so I set the bar 10x higher in my expectations of women” form of misogyny. She frequently blames my sisters-in-law for various parenting and family duty failures that could just as easily be pinned on the brother. I pull her up on it, every single time. She still does it. I

My MIL tried this when I first came into DHs life.

She even made me a diary with everyone's birthdays and addresses and anniversaries in it.

I thanked her and handed it to DH.

I've always worked longer hours, earned more, and still taken on more responsibility in general than DH. I'm not doing the wifework for his side too. MIL always talks about how busy and important he is. Well I'm busier and more important 🖕

It’s called wife work, mine used to do this…as a PP said I dropped the rope as you call it. Loudly said that DH arranges anything to do with his own family, pass the phone to him, pass the message into him. Message got through eventually that if they don’t speak to him direct nothing will be arranged.

MIL is coming up to help out with DD5 at the bd of term. Of course she's helping ME out, because childcare is MY sole responsibility.

My MIL does this out of desperation sometimes. Basically her son is a bit crap, she gives up, i respond and then its tempting for her to come straight to me again. Its not because she believes its my job. Its just its an effective strategy.

Maybe these MIL should have raised their sons better then. Seems like no MIL taught their son the importance of family admin/communication because they assumed their future wife would do it.

No i think its on my DH or the men that were his role models as a child. Dad, grandad, uncles.

Exactly. Good grief, it's exhausting. I told my MIL a long time ago that I am not his PA, handler, or mother. If she needed something from him, she needed to ask him. If she wanted to arrange something with the family, she can ask him. Stop being a martyr, op.

Infuriating! My DH’s aunt does this. She messages me ‘please can you ask my nephew to respond to xyz message’.

He’s been at work all day, as have I!

It's just plain sexism. You need to tell her to stop (kindly).