To be annoyed at being used as a secretary for my DH by my MIL?

[IdealisticCynic]

First - I really, really, like my MIL: this is not a post to have a go at her. I just want to vent a little and see if this happens to other women.

Basically, my MIL often messages or calls me to pass messages on to my DH or send on invitations about family events - even ones I am not invited to. She always says she does it because my DH is so very busy with work etc.

The thing is - I also work full time! If anything, I do longer hours. My job is more pressured than DH’s and while earning a lot less than him, I am reasonably successful, some of which is in public so she knows about that - and often tells me she is proud of me because she is lovely.

So why oh why am I the person who receives calls and messages - during working hours - with info to pass on? Are there just some people who can’t contemplate that a woman’s job is as difficult or important as a man’s?

But also - is it just her? Or do other women have to deal with this??

(I am aware of the irony of me posting this during working hours btw, I’m just waiting for the kettle to boil!)

Maybe she's including you in the loop, so you don't feel she only communicates with her son.

Drop the rope. Don’t take the calls or tell her to call him.

She’ll get it eventually.

Some strategic forgetfulness in passing on the messages might be useful here.

You probably receive them because you answer them. My ex-mother in law was a very needy woman- she would call me to get in contact with my ex because he wouldn’t pick up during the working day. So she would use me as a go between.

just ignore her calls during the working day and only reply to her messages in the evening

Because you’re female? ( other posters maybe more direct about bits of anatomy you don’t possess )
and yup, it’s not just you….. your MIL doesn’t want to disturb your dh doing his VERY IMPORTANT JOB (must be cos he’s male)

Each time it doesn't involve you just post back that you've forwarded it on to DH and he'll get back to you.

Because she knows you're reliable and her DS isn't.
Not good that she relies on you but it's so nice to read about someone who actually likes their mil

I simply refuse to do this. It is up to DH to arrange everything for his side of the family, just like it's up to me to arrange mine. MIL seems to have realised this and now always goes direct to him.

My MIL does this, by is cuz it’s a DH problem, he would totally forget, not put the message in the family calendar and deny he was ever told. She speaks to me so she knows it’s been logged 🤣🤣

I'd literally forward the entire message to DH.
Then say to her 'forwarded that there for you'

If you keep taking on this role you are just perpetuating this role for women as needing to handle their DHs family relationships.

Don't answer the calls or forward the messages

It's so annoying OP. Last time MIL was staying with us DH and I were both working from home. She didn't go and ask him things because she "didn't want to disturb him" but was fine about coming to chat to me! Arghhh

My MIL also did this… till I realised husband rarely answered during the day hence it was bouncing to me. A few days and a polite message of “sorry I’ve got a lot on a work so can’t respond to messages” soon sorted it.

This is so annoying. DH has divorced parents so I get this from both sides so twice as many messages! He has a job where he can’t have his phone on him and works 10-12 hour days so often doesn’t get back to people for several days so I have become their go to person for making plans.
It’s hard because his family are all lovely and I have a great relationship with them but my mental load is already overwhelming at times without all these extra messages as well. The other thing is when they message asking me about something we don’t want to do. DH just says “tell them no” but then I look like the bad person!

The first year I was married, my MIL started sending ME texts to remind me of H’s family birthdays, i.e can you source a card and present. I spoke to H and said they are your family first and foremost, I don’t want to take over your life admin, and I’m not expecting you to do mine. H does his side of family and I do mine, 50:50. It works well for us.

Nice try @plumtreebroke.
I think in most couples I know, even when both work full time, it's still the woman who organises the social diary. Sure it may be because she sees his job as more important, but it could just be he's useless at passing messages on to you about stuff so she's short circuiting it. If you dislike it say you can't deal with it she needs to call him direct.

Ignore her during work hours and explain you are also busy with work. My ex and my exMIL still expect me to be his secretary when it comes to the children’s school events despite me multiple times encouraging and reminding him to be on the letters home list and to download and access the school apps. He hasn’t. I sometimes invite ex in laws to events I think they like, or if the kids want to invite them when I can’t make it and exMIL always responds with. Have you asked/does Ex know. And I respond the same way, he should do if he’s sorted the apps out. She says oh best remind him. And I say no, I’ve essentially nagged him to get the apps, no one reminds me, so he clearly doesn’t care or want to attend anything and I’m not his PA. He’s had the same opportunity I have to know what’s going on and he hasn’t taken it but I don’t want the grandparents and kids missing out because of him. I repeat this every time, and have done for 5 years. He’s still not downloaded any apps. She still asks in the same way, but I’m ever hopeful she’ll get the message eventually.

Tell her you are not his secretary.

To address some of the points:

I no longer answer the phone if she calls when I am working.

My DH is very family oriented so it’s not a matter of me having to force his own family relationships on him. He also sees his mother once a week, minimum, usually when I am working late in the office.

DH is very forgetful - so maybe it is because of this that she directs things through me. It’s the comments she makes about him being too busy that I find (mildly) irritating. I AM BUSY TOO!

I don’t want to confront her about it, or make her feel bad. As I say, she’s lovely. She’s also a little lonely.

I think I just wanted to know I’m not the only person dealing with this - and it seems I’m not. I wonder if it’s a bit of an old fashioned thing - I certainly can’t imagine doing it to any future DIL!

Would having a WhatsApp group between the three of you help, where your DH responds to his mother’s invitations and you can mute the group? This is what we do. I like being in the loop, but I also don’t have the onus to be the social secretary.

At the start of our relationship my MIL used the try this. I just used to respond with "you need to tell DP that, I hate doing my own life admin, I'm not doing his too". She once tried to tell me when all the extended family birthdays were so I could send cards. Erm, nope! You need to push back.

I think it is a lack of scrutiny of the old tradition in which the family network is largely held together woman to woman.

She probably sees it as viewing you as an equal family member alongside your DH.

And in our patriarchal old reality, many men ARE lax on the whole ‘family arrangement’ stuff. Agonising about Xmas hosting, buying presents for extended family, sending cards (birthday / christening/ sympathy), we see it daily on MN.

During work hours I would not take calls or open or reply to messages. Tell her later you were working. Send a v quick message ‘soz, can’t reply, meeting, DH will know’.

And if she leaves a message, get DH to contact her, don’t do it yourself.

Is your DH pro active in family arrangements?

Gradually her expectation and perspective will change.

Really don’t understand this kind of post. Just politely ask her to stop, problem solved.

I absolutely get this but from my own mother. She will message me asking me to tell DH something or ask him about something for her. Being my own mother I can probably be a little more direct and blunt than if it was MIL but I either say, 'ye, when I see him later tonight' which then makes her message him herself as she doesn't want to wait hours for a response or if I have no patience that day I just say 'ask him yourself' 😂.

But I do think in terms of family events and social calanders it's because generally women are more organised (don't come for me!) and social expectations have built us to be able to mentally arrange/look after several different things at once. It's not right and it is frustrating but you are definitely not alone!

The whatsapp group is a good idea!