To be annoyed at being used as a secretary for my DH by my MIL?

[IdealisticCynic]

First - I really, really, like my MIL: this is not a post to have a go at her. I just want to vent a little and see if this happens to other women.

Basically, my MIL often messages or calls me to pass messages on to my DH or send on invitations about family events - even ones I am not invited to. She always says she does it because my DH is so very busy with work etc.

The thing is - I also work full time! If anything, I do longer hours. My job is more pressured than DH’s and while earning a lot less than him, I am reasonably successful, some of which is in public so she knows about that - and often tells me she is proud of me because she is lovely.

So why oh why am I the person who receives calls and messages - during working hours - with info to pass on? Are there just some people who can’t contemplate that a woman’s job is as difficult or important as a man’s?

But also - is it just her? Or do other women have to deal with this??

(I am aware of the irony of me posting this during working hours btw, I’m just waiting for the kettle to boil!)

Are they the kind of texts where you can reply “Think you meant to send this to DH :)” or is she phrasing it like “Can you let DH know he’s invited to miniature golf a week on Saturday”? If the former I’d repeatedly reply with the generic “Whoops, another one you meant to send to DH :)” until it clicks that you’re not going to pass things on and she can contact him directly. If the latter and she’s specifically asking you to be a go-between, it depends on your relationship and whether she’ll respond better to a straightforward, “Look, Sheila, I work FT as well as DH – you’re asking me to be his PA when it’s much easier for you to talk to him directly!” or a gentler (some would say passagg, I would say it just takes longer to work) strategic incompetence: forget to reply for days, never ever pass the message on and claim you forgot (even if it’s eating away at you and you want it off your to-do list), pass it on vaguely and incorrectly so DH has to call to clarify anyway, until eventually it becomes easier for her to just contact him as she should have been doing in the first place.

'thanks MIL. Would you mind sending this direct to dh instead of to me to pass on to him? Thanks!'

Do not pass on messages. If dh is too shit to reply or get organized, that's on him. This only happens if you let it.

Is she telling him first, or at the same time? Or just telling you?

I’ve got the opposite problem. MIL will only communicate with DH, even though it’s me who looks after the diaries, kids, etc.

DH is also extremely busy and very forgetful, so I rarely get these messages.

We have missed out on spending Christmas with them because of it.

Honestly, this drives me bonkers. I would pick up and tell her that you were far too busy at work to chat or think about plans. If she wants to organize something with DH, then she needs to call him.

My DP never answers messages so his family just reach out to me. I did it all at first to be polite but now it is annoying as I do feel like his PA! So you’re not alone in this I promise.

I get this, but it’s because in her world women do all the emotional labour and family management. She’s also not even my husband’s biological mother, she’s his step mother. She has taken on what I see as actually my father in law’s job of doing the work to maintain a relationship with his now adult children. So she thinks I ought to operate the same way.

If she wants to know how the children are or what to buy them for Christmas or can they pop in next Saturday she calls me. She finds it perplexing that I don’t sort out gifts on my husband’s side of the family, that I don’t keep in touch with all his relatives, that I have no idea when his cousin’s birthday is etc. I think it’s utterly bizarre that the two men in the family actually related to each other can’t just sort it out themselves but for the sake of family harmony I just go along with it. She’s utterly lovely, she just has a very different set of expectations of marriage, men and family roles.

Aw - that you mention ‘lonely’ does change things a bit.

I was all coming on to suggest you get really blunt with MIL, but maybe this is all part of her wanting to feel ‘networked in’ to events. She wants to include you in plans to make things feel bigger.

Don’t reply to messages sent while you’re working. Reply several hours later with “sorry, I was working, did you manage to sort it out with him?” If she replies no, reply again with “try him now, he’s not working”. It’ll sink in eventually.

I would go down the WhatsApp group route.

We live miles away from MIL so no family organising going on, but she sends both DH and I the same message separately if she wants to tell us news, keep meaning to tell her we will set up a family WhatsApp group, and if she wants to tell just one of us something she can message us separately

She shouldn't go through you to pass in messages if you are not involved, but it's likely she does this purely because you are reliable and he is not.
I'm not sure if it's about gender here, if I'm trying to get a response on something from my family, I will reach out to my siblings first but will often forward to their partners if I know they won't respond or respond late, unrelated to their gender.

Ask dh to tell her to message him instead

Oh don't do this - that's pandering

Message her every time to say please contact him direct as you receive so many messages for full time work, family, friends etc that it's difficult to keep track and you will probably just not see it or not get around to passing it on.

I think you can just ask her politely, when seeing her in person, why she does it and take it from there.

It would be better if the conversation involved all 3 of you. Start as you mean to go on, show her that it's not just you running the show and he is on board.

The WhatsApp group can work but again your husband needs to be on board to do the responding, writing stuff on the calendar etc. If he just ignores the messages and you end up stepping in to do the admin, MIL will be treating you equally and yet you'll be no better off.

My MIL tried this year's ago.

I took a firm consistent approach

I screened the calls and didn't answer any of them.
Any messages were fwded to DH
The ONLY reply I sent was "hey I fwded your message to DH, he will get back to you about X"
She got the message within 6 months

Oh yes, my MIL gave me a birthday book with all her family birthdays in so that I could keep on top of DH's life admin. In a word, no.

My MIL does this too, and is also (mostly) lovely.

I do think it’s because she thinks it’s the woman’s job, but also because she believes that I’m the one who gets the final say/ is in charge of our calendar. This is because that’s how it os for her and FIL (because it has to be, FIL is a bit of an odd ball and really doesn’t know what day it is most of the time).

I’m away for a few days for work and before I left she was phoning me asking which days DH and DD wanted to go for dinner (because clearly he couldn’t be expected to cook dinner himself for two whole evenings) - I just say ‘oh I don’t know I’ll get him to call you’ or ‘I’m not sure what his plans are you’re best off asking him direct’. I do that every time and she’s better than she was, but I think it’s always going to be a thing honestly.

I'd do this but also say "if you could just text DH next time that would be great 👌🏽 😃 ...saves me being the middle woman"

Many years ago my MIL bought me a flowery book containing all of their family anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Referred to her and FIL as 'Mum' and 'Dad' in the book. They're not Mum and Dad to me, I call them by their names. She obviously assumed it was now my job to remember these things as I was the wife. I have my own relatives' birthdays to remember and she should have given this to him if she wanted to throw a hint. I gave it to him. If dates get forgotten it's not on me.

I'm aghast, @curtaintwitcher78 !

Please tell me this was back in the 1950s or something - that's absolutely outrageous.

I think it is usual for females to, certainly in the past, decide most social outings, dinners and family events. They were the home maker and I think still do much of the domestic organisation.

Your MIL is also keeping you in the loop and I would find it respectful. She cares about whether your DH forgets to tell you and doesn't want you to feel left out.

You say she is sweet and perhaps she likes chatting to you and likes to have an excuse to discuss the family events.
You have lucked out with her in your family.

Just don't answer the phone when you are too busy. Politely set some boundaries but expect her to treat you like the other half of her son.

Can you say “could you send this to DH? I’m just so busy with work I’m worried I’ll forget- we tend to look after our own diaries so we don’t miss anything. Anyway how are you, when can you pop over for supper etc etc”

Nope, about 10 years ago.
Another time I mentioned something being too expensive and she said "He's not giving you enough allowance then."
I said "I work full time, my employer pays my wages, not [DH]."

Ha! I had the same thing after getting married, I resolved it by appearing unreliable, for ex if MIL told me about a date I would say « I’ll try to remember… better to also let DH know as I might forget ».