To be annoyed that my friend ( a teacher) may be disciplined for telling parents one of her pupils took a pregnancy test?

[NiceTry]

The girl had confided in her and the test was arranged, via school nurse but my colleague decided that the girl's parents should be informed and may now face disciplinary procedures because the girl had not consented to this (the test was negative by the way). Obviously the girl (and parents) are very upset. But did she do the right thing?

if a teacher felt uncomfortable could they arrange an appointment at a family planning clinic for the girl?

I agree duchesse.

nappy- I didn't even start my periods until I was well over 15. I was not mature enough to have sex until I was over 20. By which I do not mean that I was irresponsible, merely that I didn't feel like an adult until I was well over that age. Unless you view sex as a meaningless and light recreational activity free from any emotional commitment, which few women and girls do imo, then in my view few people are old enough to fully take on board the consequences of sex until they feel adult. Certainly not very many boys are grown up to consider anything beyond their immediate pleasure in their teens.

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yes but maany girls start puberty much younger than that. loads of my friends started at about 10/11 so its hardly surprising that they are sexually mature at 14. i didn't say necessarily emotionally mature, just sexually mature.

motherfunk - me too.

the difference is that it is accepted for adults, but if a teenager was doing it she would be named a slag - not just by older people but by people her own age too. it seems that to have sex at that age people only accept it if you are in a loving relationship. not saying that is a good or bad thing btw - just stating facts.

duchesse - I wasn't mature enough for sex when I was 14 but did it anyway!

The OP's 'colleague' was told in confidence. You seem to think that this means the teenager really wanted the teacher to tell the parent but sometimes they don't??

Best to err on the side of caution and break the confidence and school rules then eh?

Every person is different though duchesse. I became sexually active just after my 15th birthday. I knew exactly what I was doing ad I have no regrets at all. Some people can separate sex from love and see it as a recreational activity, I do

Saying that there are a lot of teens who become sexually active for the wrong reasons, this is why I believe they should have and know where to go to seek advice and help if needed and that advice and help needs to be confidential.

I am open with my children and I like to think they are open with me but I have always made it clear they are free to visit the local SH clinic and they know where it is, they know where the condom bus is (not really called that but that's what it is known as) and people that they can talk to in private (school, gp etc) To me, their safety is paramount but I am realistic that I am not always the first person they wish to talk to.
Both my elder daughters have taken a friend to the clinic for support, one has taken a number of friends! So they have heard me and trusted my advice

Hearing what this person has done, has taken a safety net away from me and my children, who do they trust now? Would this woman be trusted not to gossip about a child looking for support for abuse or drugs or any scared teen issue. I am thoroughly disgusted

As I said before, it is a very grey and the adults involved sometimes get it wrong. I personally know nothing about the circumstances of this case. I quite convinced that no teacher would want to endanger any of their pupils. Maybe this woman made a mistake, or maybe she did the right thing even though it might not seem that way to the girl at the moment. I cannot say what I would have done in this case. We do not even know if the teacher knew the parent in question socially.

Only time, and what the girl decides in retrospect later, can decide whether she made the right decision. Calling for a public lynching is a rather harsh imo. Particularly since this woman went against school policy and risked her job.

My friend works as an in-school Connexions person, and has had to deal with many situations like this. Most of the girls and mothers were very glad to be able to share/ learn what was going on in the girls' lives. And ultimately maybe my friend manages to make the girls' lives a little easier in the long term than they might be.

Nappyaddict - our primary job is to teach and to teach a subject at that, not to get involved in the personal/sex lives of the students. I would not dream of arranging an appointment at an FPC for any of my students, especially those under the age of consent, as that is not in my terms of reference, nor should it be. What would happen if you arranged an appointment, the parents found out, and wanted you on toast? You would not have any defence at all.

This is what I mean about teachers being in an invidious position in situations like this one. I am in loco parentis for the time they are in school, and in my care, but I consider that that responsibility ends when they walk out of the school gates. It is not our job to be parents to the kids we teach, they have their own parents or alternative adults. I accept that their lives outside the classroom impinge on what happens in school; but until you give teachers decent and comprehensive training on what to do in such situations, clearly spelling out our legal position, and how far we are allowed to go in set circumstances, things like this will happen. I used to tell them before they started that the conversation would not remain confidential, and that it would either go the Year Head or the CP teacher, who would deal with it after me. If they then chose to continue, I would help them as much as I could, but I felt that I would not do anything to put my job in danger, or quite frankly, my home life.

can i ask a question ... those of you who have said you became sexually active at 14/15 do you regret it and did you love the person you had sex with or was it just for fun iyswim? i became sexually active at 13 something i do regret because i didn't really want to do it but felt as though i had to. my boyfriend never pressured me into it i just thought in my own head it was just something you did. i liked him a lot and fancied him but it wasn't love. however at 14 i was totally in love with someone. we didn't sleep together straight away but when we did i actually cried (not during, after!!) cos i was that in love with him and had waited that long to be that intimate with him. when i lost my virginity at 13 i didn't regret it at all but once i had experienced how fantastically different it was to sleep with someone you actually loved i did regret not waiting. however i can and do seperate sex from love and don't think it is a bad thing at all. i just wish i hadn't done that the first few times i'd had sex at the age i was.

hear hear Scaryteacher- that thing about telling them you can't promise to keep it confidential has always been part of the policy of any school I've worked in.

What if you promise confidentiality and then discover that the circumstances warrant police intervention? (case of abuse, rape, statutory rape etc...) Maintaining confidentiality in those circumstances may endanger the child/young person.

nappy - I was 14. I fancied the bloke soooo much. I got blotto - can't remember a thing...
I regretted it for years- now I'm kinda glad - one of those things that add to lifes rich tapestry...

i agree teachers do need more training on this or they need a school nurse or someone who is specifically trained to deal with it which not all schools have.

Scaryteacher, I fully understand and appreciate and respect the very difficult job you have. Aren't there procedures to follow though if a young person comes to you in trouble? Like refer to school nurse or pastoral care person? I don't expect you to parent my children but like to think you are there to help and guide our young people

I have been in the situation where a friend of my daughters thought she may be pregnant, my daughter handled it really well by getting her tested at the local clinic and helping her in coming to terms with what was going on (the girl wanted to brush it under carpet in the hope it would go away. My daughter came to me and followed what I would do, she also gave her friend an ultimatum that she would tell her parents if she didn't get a test. I did offer to go to the parents with her but it didn't come to that, the clinic support helped her talk to her parents

Nappy no regrets here, I see sex very different to making love and always have

In this case, the OP's 'friend' passed the matter on to the school nurse. She wasn't being expected to act as a health worker. She was just expected to keep her mouth closed.
The fact that she's facing sanctions for breaking the school's policy suggests that there are guidelines in place and that she chose to ignore them.
I accept that there are many cases where confidentiality might have to be breached (abuse etc.), but the OP ststes that her friend reasons for breaching it were having a daughter of a similar age and wanting to know if it were her daughter.

However appapropriate it is or isn't for the girl, can none of you remember feeling the thrill of your first love prior to turning 16?

I know I had feelings of fancying certain boys as young as in primary school. Adults always seem to trivialise the romantic/ relationship feelings of the under 16s- this was something that made me angry as a child and reading this thread does now. How do we learn to deal with our feelings by experiencing them, not by being told by adults what we are "allowed" to feel for others.
It may have been a long standing relationship that took the next logical step- none of us know, cos none of us were there.

IMHO she should have sought the advice of her senior teachers and Head.

They can then refer back to LEA for further advice on what is OK.

Good friend had a case where she found out a girl was getting a termination without informing her mum

Friend was really worried in case there were complications etc and for the girl's emotional support - girl worried, get kicked out etc etc (horrible situation), but passed the decision up (as it was a biggee) and it went all the way to the LEA, who decided the confidence of the young person was more paramount...

Has your friend contacted her union yet? She should do so immediately and get their advice.

but all of this is a red herring - it doesn't matter whether the girl and her boyfriend were engaged for crying out loud.

The point is that this colleague broke a confidence and broke school protocol. There were plenty of other actions she could have taken if she was concerned and felt she couldn't handle the situation.

And scaryteacher, I really sympathise with your point and I know I would feel uncomfortable in that situation too, but the situation was already being dealt with by the school nurse (who presumably IS trained in this kind of thing and is qualified to advise on the girl's options going forward) so the "colleague" had no need to go wading in with the girl's parents - she did that purely to suit her own conscience and agenda.

Minorityrules the problem is that yes, I can guide a young person, give advice etc, but on the sexual front with STDs, contraception etc, I am not an expert, and I could so easily get it wrong. That is why I always pass it up to more senior teachers, and the CP teacher. In many schools there isn't a specific team for pastoral care, who do nothing but that; most of us combine that with a teaching role.

The other snag is that should you dish out this kind of advice, the parents may want to know what your qualifications are in this area, and also if they have very strong religious views and discover what you have been discussing with their DC the shit can really hit the fan.

You also have to decide what kind of guidance you'd like us to give. If a female student went to to different teachers with this, she'd get two different responses. From one of my colleagues, she'd have had a judgemental lecture, which is why most of that colleagues tutor group went to others with their problems. From me, she'd have had a mug of coffee, some chocolate, a box of tissues and some pertinent advice about saying no in future, and then mapping what was to be done now, but with the proviso that I would have to tell someone else. Dependent upon the situation the CP teacher (who is a lovely kind widely experienced lady) may or may take it further and involve other agencies. My door was always open, but I do wish that some of the parents were more involved with and bothered about their kids.

Off track - my mum has just called me and said that Shannon Matthews has been found alive and well. Thank goodness for that!

yes- but my point is that you seem totaly concerned with the parents feelings and totally trivialise the girls feelings. If she was brave enough to try to engage with you for adult advice, then you should have engaged with her as to why her parents should know, rather than undermining her confidence in this way.

"can i ask a question ... those of you who have said you became sexually active at 14/15 do you regret it and did you love the person you had sex with or was it just for fun iyswim? i became sexually active at 13 something i do regret because i didn't really want to do it but felt as though i had to. my boyfriend never pressured me into it i just thought in my own head it was just something you did. i liked him a lot and fancied him but it wasn't love. however at 14 i was totally in love with someone. we didn't sleep together straight away but when we did i actually cried (not during, after!!) cos i was that in love with him and had waited that long to be that intimate with him. when i lost my virginity at 13 i didn't regret it at all but once i had experienced how fantastically different it was to sleep with someone you actually loved i did regret not waiting. however i can and do seperate sex from love and don't think it is a bad thing at all. i just wish i hadn't done that the first few times i'd had sex at the age i was. "

In answer to this - I was 25 when I lost my virginity! I ws scared to give myself over to someone in a sexual way because I believed you should be in love if you have sex. I still think this is the best circumstance in which to have sex (not for religious or moral reasons but for health and mental health ones) but I regret being so judgemental of those who didn't do as I did. I wish now that I had been a little more sexually adventurous, I wish I had had my heart 'broken' a bit more, and If I have a daughter I will hope that she is confident enough to make good decisions about sex and that she is not as judgemental as I was.

I don't think this is being judgemental, I just feel a parent (or person with parental responsibility) has a right, yes a right to know about the behaviour of a minor, be that anti-social behaviour, illegal behaviour and sexual behaviour.

Nab, my colleague told me about what had happened because I am a union representative at work.