To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

[highlandsabroad]

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

• *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

Yep, irish and same

You sound like a horrible snob. Good job your son is more like your father tbh.

OP Have you read 'raising boys' by Steve Biddulph? It's an interesting book and one thing he claims is that there are these three distinct phases of boyhood - from 0-6, boys are very close to their mothers and look to them for everything, but from age 6-14, they become much more focused on their father/ male figures in their life, essentially because they are looking for 'how to be a boy/man/male'. From 14, they push against the father figure a bit and start to seek out alternative versions of maleness - at which point, he says, it is important to ensure they have good male role models outside the nuclear family - such as uncles, teachers, nice sports coaches, mentors of other types (in the olden days these would have been master/ apprentice type relationships) to keep them on course- otherwise the risk is that they look to peers for this guidance and things start to go wrong basically.
Basically, if his theory is correct then it's natural your boy has been quite focused on his dad for this 6-14 stage of his life... but that at 14 or so he will start looking for more outside influences. Have you got some male Scottish relatives who you might invite/ go to stay with who can help him discover that side of himself too?
The crofter ex-boyfriend sounds quite cool to be honest 😂
Also... you'll get loads of comments on here about your DH now you've said he once voted tory (!) and yes the army/ titles thing is quite eccentric but he sounds like a loving, kind and involved father who your DS adores, and I am sure that their close relationship is a positive thing for him. I'd take that over many of the hopeless dads you read about on here!

You have learnt that people, from small stone cottages to large grand city abodes and who speak in broad accents to polite rounded vowels are not that different in their hearts.
You are not ignorant.

Your son was bound to want to be like his Dad.

I once read that many parents make the mistake of trying hard to provide their children with things that they themselves missed in their childhoods where as they can more successfully and with great joy give their children all the things that they loved about their own childhoods.

You are showing DS the romantic Scottish hills and homes and your DH is showing him a beloved holiday camp. Both come from fond memories of your childhoods - so not so different..

Exactly so!

Unless you’re visiting Scone, near Perth. That of course rhymes with moon.

This in absolute spades. Your prejudice is showing here, who bloody cares if people have a 'posh' accent as long as they are decent people!??

They do say don't have children with someone unless you're prepared to have a child just like them.

Your son will learn and mimic what he is exposed to. If you want him to understand his Scottish heritage he needs to spend more time with Scots.

talking properly is not the same as talking posh!! I am scottish and live in scotland/ we all have scottish accents apart from hubby who doesn t have an accent at all. the way we brought our children up was to speak properly. even our daughter was offered a job on a night club radio because the owner could understand what she was saying but could not understand other locals. you sound like an anti jumped up snob!!!!

Is the age gap starting to show?

Hahaha. He does have a posh name. Which I thought was quite normal but my husband has insisted on using the noticeably posh nickname for it (think Christopher / Kit) ... as well as sneaking in an EXTRA family name as a 2nd middle name while I was still exhausted from labour !

@2jacqi everyone has an accent unless they can’t speak.

I’m fairly certain there is a video somewhere of the late Queen saying ‘sconn’ (rhymes with bin) rather than ‘schone’ (rhymes with stone). I do wonder if she frequently switched between the two as some private joke?

‘She has two lovely little very Scottish kids!’

OP, enjoy your nieces/nephews. I find being read to by mine, who share my accent (my kids talk posh) a very deep joy, and am enjoying it before they grow out of wanting to show off their reading.

People are people, but there will be losses as well as gains for you, living away from where you feel rooted. Doesn’t mean you want to change anything, of course.

Just to add if a person grows up surrounded by a number of accents they tend to turn into adults who have no particular accent and therefore sound a bit posh.

Does he not ski or shoot already? These are normal umc activities

Honestly I've been surprised ! He played it down a bit in the early days - he was conscious of the cliché in him dating a younger woman as a an older wealthier man.

Then instinct just seemed to kick in when our son came along...!

Totally. I'm from a Scottish farming background. Lots of public school boys in that group actually. We brought our boys up in SE England sent them to private school. Older DS and I are back up here... farming. There's nothing inherently good about Scotland or a crofting background. You get arseholes from every background.

I am "posh" (but not like your DH, from a long line of academics and doctors - I'm not a medical doctor and don't use my PhD title socially). DH is from inner city Manchester though an only child from a strict religious family so basically just studied and read books through his childhood and ended up in the civil service.
DH has a NW accent and DS (who goes to a specialist school) I am sure sounds posh at school (where there are children who come from an hour away, all over the NW, as well) but has an accent much closer to DH. DD sounds more like me but even I - having given up on "barth" when I went to university - occasionally have to pull her up on sounding extra posh! She just goes to a local community primary mainly full of children whose families have lived here all their lives.
So even within one family you can't guarantee what children will turn out like!
We don't discuss military or peerage ranks though...

I'm not from NI but that's where I'm raising my DC. On the whole I love it here and I like most of the accents.

But I did die a little inside when I brought the preschooler to a tile shop and she went looking for the towels...

All this talk about 'Hooray Henrys'.... amazing how equality and diversity and acceptance applies to everyone except those who are labelled "posh" (whatever that means!) in this world. Just live and let live

Yes. Op why did you marry him? I feel sorry for your ds and dh since you seem to despise them so much.
Do you also ridicule you dh’s friends and relations and sneer at ds’s friends?
As a pp said, would it be acceptable to complain about your dh being common and your son an oik?

OP, I know you’re speaking tongue in cheek but please don’t get i to some kind of pro- or anti-posh thing. He won’t be a typical English public school boy either as he’s growing up in an international environment. Just let him be himself and work it all out. I hope his father can do the same. Your infkuence interns of his values and world view will be huge, no matter what he sounds like.
Can you imagine if your DH was from a different culture, say Brazil/Japan, and you were on here complaining that your DH had taught him stuff about being Brazilian/Japanese?

I kind of have this in reverse, I live in the NW and my partner has a big scouse family- they are all suprised that DD has a 'posh' accent and talks like her grandma (my mum) who is from Devon!
Is it really a big deal though?
It sounds like your DH has more in common with your son, maybe spend some time together just you and your DS and teach him about his Scottish heritage.

This. And frankly the post was quite offensive. Gosh the horror of a child who speaks like one parent (but thankfully the OP says she loves him anyway) and the horror of having a DH of such dubious background as a lawyer father and voting Tory (which is pretty fucking mainstream).

Snobbery is not a good look OP and you are a snob.

What exactly are you doing to encourage an interest in his Scottish interest. It seems like his dad is much more influential & hands on in this department. Why did you allow this? Parenting if possible should be 50/50 & your husband should also be bringing more to the table in respect of his wife's heritage.
It all seems odd to me. Hell would freeze over before I would let my DH completely influence my child's sense of belonging & heritage.
Does your son spend a lot more time with your DH & in laws for this to have happened?

Gosh, this has provided some lively debate ! I'm working now so will reply more later.
Just quickly...
1 - I definitely do love my DH and DS ! You're allowed to find some things annoying or funny about your partner while still loving them. And opposite attract in our case - though we also share many similar interests.

2 - a few people mentioning posh Scots- I understand, that's just not my family ! I'm very lucky tk have grown up where I did but we didn't have that much, just enough for a nice life.

3 - I don't bully my DS, who is a lovely boy..it's just funny that he has turned out like this. But yes, thinking about it he does also have similarities to me, they're just more subtle than with DH.

4 - I understand reverse snobbery, but it's punching up rather than phnching down. And DH's family are (for e.g.) former governors in the British empire going back a few generations, I think they can take it !

Thank you all for your posts. Even the ones saying I'm a racist or up my own arse ;)