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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

402 replies

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:44

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

  • *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 05/12/2023 10:08

It's really not a bad problem to have, OP!

TheMaryBones · 05/12/2023 10:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2023 10:11

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:50

In an alternate life... my first boyfriend was a crofter actually.

I work in a creative career & DH and I got together originally because we share a lot of cultural interests. It was all a bit of a whirlwind - he's older as wel - and now here we are 12 years later...

Show quote history

12 years?? Your son is 13, clearly the genes comes from some other landed gentry 😁😁

hydriotaphia · 05/12/2023 10:12

I feel sorry for your son. Imagine the impact on a 13 year old if he learned that his mum 'jokingly' posted online about how she doesn't like his personality. Just awful.

tkwal · 05/12/2023 10:13

The POW has a degree in history of art, from a Scottish University. Some people insist the Windsors are less noble than the older (genealogically )Scots Dukes and Earls.
Seriously though , I would instill pride about his heritage in your son. Educate him about what makes someone a proud Scot(accent is the very least of it) and family history

napody · 05/12/2023 10:14

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 08:05

Yes, I'm hoping it will be like that. I have been trying to share my values: enjoying the simpler things, voting Labour , recognising his privilege. And he can see there is some BS in it all ( I hope). But the glitz and glamour of some of the places DH / DH's family have taken him is probably quite appealing...

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Well it's clearly appealed to you! You're the class traitor OP, not him 😉

That was intended as tongue in cheek, but honestly OP. You sound lovely, but also as if you have absolutely zero agency in your own life. Swept off your feet by an older guy and his 'impossible to resist' parents who pay for everything. If you remain happily married then great. If you don't....fuck.

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 10:15

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2023 10:11

12 years?? Your son is 13, clearly the genes comes from some other landed gentry 😁😁

Show quote history

Whoops - typo, not an affair !

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 05/12/2023 10:15

Well he's living your husband's background rather than yours so why are you surprised? And I bet the school IS full of every country's equivalent to 'hooray Henry ', though to be frank even in England there are not many that are the majority population of private schools, bar perhaps one or two (my stepson went to Charterhouse and he's an ordinary lad - married well though)! But International schools tend to have more of the type on balance.
But anyway, why is it so bad? Just make sure he's aware of your cultural background, visit there regularly, know your side of the family etc.

IfYouDontAsk · 05/12/2023 10:15

Your sister's comment about you creating a proper public school boy is really mean in my opinion and sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder.

Agreed. If any of my family members made a shitty comment like that about my child I’d be pulling them up on it very quickly.

Dibblydoodahdah · 05/12/2023 10:16

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 10:07

Gosh, this has provided some lively debate ! I'm working now so will reply more later.
Just quickly...
1 - I definitely do love my DH and DS ! You're allowed to find some things annoying or funny about your partner while still loving them. And opposite attract in our case - though we also share many similar interests.

2 - a few people mentioning posh Scots- I understand, that's just not my family ! I'm very lucky tk have grown up where I did but we didn't have that much, just enough for a nice life.

3 - I don't bully my DS, who is a lovely boy..it's just funny that he has turned out like this. But yes, thinking about it he does also have similarities to me, they're just more subtle than with DH.

4 - I understand reverse snobbery, but it's punching up rather than phnching down. And DH's family are (for e.g.) former governors in the British empire going back a few generations, I think they can take it !

Thank you all for your posts. Even the ones saying I'm a racist or up my own arse ;)

Why do you think that “punching up”
is acceptable? What a vile attitude …. and I say that as a granddaughter of a crofter, the daughter of someone who grew up in the inner city of Northern town, as a former free school meals kid and now as a lawyer and mum to privately educated children…bullying anyone because of their social background is wrong, whether they are rich or poor.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/12/2023 10:16

jemenfous37 · 05/12/2023 08:51

She has two lovely little very Scottish kids!

Do they eat deep-fried Mars bars and tell people to 'get tae fu%k' ?!

That was light-hearted as per OP post before anyone accuses me of stereotyping!

I’m southern -England born and bred but I absolutely love ‘Get tae fuck!’ Pity it just doesn’t have the same resonance in RP. 😂

Araminta1003 · 05/12/2023 10:17

I would be sending him to a local school and learning the European language. That would be far more useful than some international school. Or at least for a couple of terms. The kid is lucky to be from a mixed social background, he will pick the best of both of you, whilst you wrangle over your own influences.

ActDottie · 05/12/2023 10:17

You married your husband of course stuff that your husband does would rub off on your son.

spellingwasp · 05/12/2023 10:18

I am a Scot married to someone from Surrey.

Stick your kid in front of Rab C. Nesbitt. He'll end up bilingual then 😂

NovemberAutumn · 05/12/2023 10:18

Dibblydoodahdah · 05/12/2023 10:16

Why do you think that “punching up”
is acceptable? What a vile attitude …. and I say that as a granddaughter of a crofter, the daughter of someone who grew up in the inner city of Northern town, as a former free school meals kid and now as a lawyer and mum to privately educated children…bullying anyone because of their social background is wrong, whether they are rich or poor.

Show quote history

This 100%. The OP is coming across as actually deeply unpleasant.

ArthurbellaScott · 05/12/2023 10:18

I blame the picture books. 'That's not my Title, it's vowels are too flat'.

alwaysmovingforwards · 05/12/2023 10:19

CaineRaine · 05/12/2023 08:10

You sound like an inverse snob to be honest.

If you want him to identify with your culture and background, it’s up to you to immerse him in it when you can to make him feel connected to it. And I say that as someone with had kids with a partner from a different culture to mine.

Agreed. Inverse snobbery at its finest.

NovemberAutumn · 05/12/2023 10:19

ArthurbellaScott · 05/12/2023 10:18

I blame the picture books. 'That's not my Title, it's vowels are too flat'.

This gave me the first smile of my entire day. Smile

User170097733 · 05/12/2023 10:19

Not sure what part of the Highlands you're from but the only solution is to get him started with bagpipe lessons (online if needs be), buy him a Ross County shirt for Christmas and book him a 3-week summer holiday language exchange in Alness.

Then teach him how to describe sheep properly, and how to say "bonk bank machine".

Right eenaff!

Goodornot · 05/12/2023 10:19

IfYouDontAsk · 05/12/2023 10:15

Your sister's comment about you creating a proper public school boy is really mean in my opinion and sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder.

Agreed. If any of my family members made a shitty comment like that about my child I’d be pulling them up on it very quickly.

Would it be better to create a lifelong benefits claimant with no intention to work.

God why do people have a problem with anyone doing well.

The OP uses that vile expression up my own arse that my mum...another Scot...does.

I know who'd I'd rather take after.

ThanksItHasPockets · 05/12/2023 10:26

You need to acknowledge the chip on your shoulder and be careful not to feed it.

In any family where the parents come from different cultural contexts there's a responsibility to teach your child about their heritage, and it can be difficult when it's not the dominant paradigm where you live. You probably know several bilingual families and they will be able to tell you how hard it can be to keep the second language going. The same principles apply to culture. How much time have you spent in Scotland with DS? How extensively have you introduced him to Scottish art, literature, culture?

LakeTiticaca · 05/12/2023 10:27

You son sounds like an intelligent, articulate and well rounded young man.
Shame he is being denigrated by his own mother. Would you be prouder if he was hanging around with hoodlums threatening elderly ladies?
Maybe you should sign him up with a County lines gang, give him a taste of how the other half lives

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/12/2023 10:27

honeysuckleweeks · 05/12/2023 09:28

Bit lost here. How else do you pronounce "bath". Unless you mean "bathe".

Barth. Or Baarth if reaaally posh.

spellingwasp · 05/12/2023 10:27

Would he be interested in Gaelic? As a Highlander, that would be relevant.

Charlieradioalphapapa · 05/12/2023 10:32

Your DS goes to an international school in France. The main English accents he’s going to be exposed to are those of his teachers and classmates who probably speak it with an accent influenced by their mother tongues. Some kids at international schools have an American twang which they’ve picked up from watching tv/films and listening to music. His DF speaks in a ‘posh’ accent, so when DS speaks English, that and his school mates and teachers are his major influences. I’d think it would be surprising if he spoke with more of a Northern or Scottish twang.

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