To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

[highlandsabroad]

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

• *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

which is why we need structural change to mitigate the worst of its effects.

Fair enough, but what form would ‘structural change’ take? Banning private education?
That might be a start but I don’t see how in a democracy you can ban a whole class. Even where it was achieved such as the Soviet Union a new elite ended up on top.

@WinterDeWinter that's exactly it. It's fascinating / unnerving to see it in my own home !
I've mingled and been friends with from people of all backgrounds- i've travelled and worked in different countries.

As an artist, I've done various gigs - one was painting murals in people's homes. My clients were often wealthy and often treated me quite dismissively. As Dh's wife, I've been seen as a golddigger or his bit of fun, with the age gap. It's much better now, but it's interesting seeing how effectively the 'one of use mentality is managed.

I should add, DH also shows good values for our son - e.g. he does most of the cooking in our house and is imo a good male role model.

Yes to banning private education. There are plenty of other measures we could discuss if you were actually interested, but something tells me you're not - I think I've been quite measured so far but there's only so much goading a girl can take.

There are plenty of other measures we could discuss if you were actually interested.

I am interested, although I may not agree that the measures would work.

At least he sounds like one of you! I’m from Yorkshire, DH is from Glasgow and DS1 has an accent like Danny Dyer. I wouldn’t mind, but we live in the Highlands, so I’ve no idea where he’s got it from! DS2 can’t talk yet but I cant wait to see what he comes out with when he can.

they can, but this is a stealth boast. Complaining that your child is too posh 🥲

More like posting about how her child’s childhood isn’t relatable to hers.

Some people are wealthy, and their realities with reflect this fact. It isn’t a stealth boast to acknowledge that.

The way your ds pronounces 'bath' isn't posh at all. Pretty much the entire south of England pronounces it that way, it's a regional thing not a class thing.

We live in outer SW London, and my RP-speaking dd (and I don’t mean that cut-glass RP) suffered some very nasty bitchery from fellow female students when she attended Newcastle University. A lot of very sneery, ‘Ooh, aren’t you posh, I bet you live in a big house and your parents are rich…’ etc.
Which we didn’t, and weren’t.

It went on and on, from a few northern girls, evidently with king-size chips on their shoulders.

Well...

genuinely redistributive taxation (individual and corporate)
a property tax and security for renters such that property is no longer a commodity
managed green belt building
a minimum wage which covers the actual cost of living
an end to state subsidies of wages for employers, zero hours contracts etc
cap on utilities profits and/or nationalisation of utilities
massive investment in education to 18 focused not simply on academic achievement, but social and ethical debate and political analysis
some kind of meaningful nation-building service for young adults in case of short-term employment crisis
cultural change via education such that manual and service skills are as valued as 'professional' ones
cultural change via education such that greed is made visible and equated with theft
mandated blind hiring
mandated class/sex/race data gathering by companies, hefty fines if any demographic dominates
for sex inequality - livable state maternity allowance (there will be less variation in housing costs), heavily subsidised childcare, child development degree for staff

etc etc - I'm sure you can think of many more

none of these measure will work on their own and most of them could be somewhat circumvented by the constitutionally greedy - you can and I'm sure will pick at them all indiviudally. But they are a start, even if just as a national ethical framework. In combination they could have a huge impact.

It's true that I don't know which if any of these measures would work - but this is as true for you as it is for me. Neither of us can know. The point is the attempt and the intention; that if enough of us showed that we had seen behind the curtain and would no longer tolerate the status quo, government would be incentivised to institute, test and refine a formula which did work. We could fix much of the worst within one or two generations.

The OPs husband might find it painful for a few years, but soon enough her son and her grandchildren would be happier people in a happier, much more equal society. They wouldn't have to corrupt themselves or exploit others in order cling to what they in their hearts must know is unearned privilege.

We just need enough people to see it for what it is and call it out.

Winter thank you for answering my question in such detail.
massive investment in education to 18 focused not simply on academic.

I agree with that and some others.

@WinterDeWinter thank you for such a well thought out post. I confess I started out thinking, from your earlier replies, that you just had a chip on your shoulder, but I agree with almost everything you said there.

Re point 4 : So it’s ok to slag off people because of something their ancestors did which made them an upper class, something which they themselves had no say or choice over. That makes it ok then? Because of course they can take it??🧐🤔🙄🙄🙄.

It's just a bit iof arcane knowledge, no worse than knowing all the FA Cup winners.

Honestly your inverted snobbery (whilst taking full advantage of all the money) is hypocritical and tiresome. You married "well". Own it.

I do think that people who complain about inverse snobbery must be absolutely blind to the optics of this stuff. The hurt feelings of a few in no way equate to the ongoing social, physical and psychological price extracted from those at the sharper end of inequality and honestly, you do yourselves no favours.

I understand it's not nice for individuals and bullying is shit - but when you look at what is lost by the majority, it's extraordinarily tone-deaf to do anything other than try to explain to your children that it's not personal but the outcome of inequality.

Try and step back and look at the situation honestly. It is hard (I mean it, I'm not sneering) but it can be done - and it's very shocking when you allow yourself to see what our system does to many millions of children just like yours.

@WinterDeWinter I’m going to have to disagree with you on that last point. IMO bullying someone over something they have absolutely no control over, such as their genetic heritage, is a shit thing to do no matter how you dress it up.

I agree, and would say so if I were talking to the perps. If I were someone who in all other respects benefits from inequality, though, who is talking to others who may not be in my own lucky, lucky position, I would keep quiet about this single unpleasant secondary effect.

"heroin for dinner" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

People don’t merely attack the system though, they attack individuals. Those attacked are othered, and expected to accept bullying and denigration because it’s apparently justified. Not only that, but it’s then demanded that they be sympathetic to the plight of those attacking them. Unsurprisingly, it’s usually the case that hostility is met with hostility.

You are seriously complaining that the privileged are 'othered'?

This is everything I'm talking about.

Talked about in generalizations and as if they’re a different, and unpleasant, species? Yes.

This is an interesting thread. My parents were both Geordies (my Dad was really quite broad, my Mum less so) but I grew up in Brighton. I never picked up the local accent - I’d say that my accent is RP, enough to get me bullied for being “posh” at school.

I think the thing is that this boy is 13. His character (and probably his accent) is pretty well set now. He just has some growing up to do. I can’t tell you how enraging it would have been if, at 13, one of my parents had tried to correct my accent. Even stuff like trying to get me interested in Newcastle and its history (and, in my Dad’s case, in Newcastle United) didn’t go down all that well. It wasn’t a place I knew.

I would keep quiet about this single unpleasant secondary effect.

Even if it was a child or young person that was being bullied? I think bullying children or young people on class grounds of any description is completely unacceptable.

Please read it again @Barbadossunset

I agree, and would say so if I were talking to the perps. If I were someone who in all other respects benefits from inequality, though, who is talking to others who may not be in my own lucky, lucky position, I would keep quiet about this single unpleasant secondary effect.

You don’t mention what age these advantaged/disadvantaged people may be.