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Original poster

To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

402 replies

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:44

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

  • *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

OP posts:
ChlorrOfTheMask · 05/12/2023 12:20

HappilyContentTheseDays · 05/12/2023 08:06

This post is absolutely weird, even though I know you said 'sort of light-hearted'.
Your DH is, like any parent would, imparting his values and background. Presumably you will also teach your son about the cultural background which is important to you too?

But over and above that, your son is an individual who will grow up choosing to identify with whomsoever he feels most comfortable. Given your very prejudiced and negative views of one sector of society, it seems he's currently happier to identify with your DH. Why not start accepting your family members for who they are?

All this talk about 'Hooray Henrys'.... amazing how equality and diversity and acceptance applies to everyone except those who are labelled "posh" (whatever that means!) in this world. Just live and let live.....

Why is it a weird post? I completely get it. Finding all these comments criticising a Highlander for being prejudiced against posh sassenachs a bit cringe and ignorant. OP clearly loves her husband and son to bits. It's understandable that she feels a tinge of sadness about this, I would and so would most of my working class Scottish friends and family in this situ, I think.

THEDEACON · 05/12/2023 12:22

I feel your pain Id be distraught but then I couldn't have married an English Tory voter

hsapposhit · 05/12/2023 12:36

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys

The children at international school will be posh (in the main). The teachers will also be similar. The vast majority of teachers and children will speak in what you might call a "posh" accent. There might be American children there with an American accent, or children with English as an additional language. What is unlikely is a lot of children with strong regional accents such as Glaswegian, Geordie, Liverpudlian. Even if there are some children from those areas their accents will be ironed out a bit by being surrounded by the majority who do not have a regional accent.
I applied for several international teaching jobs at one point and got nowhere. Feedback on 2 occasions was that my accent did not fit!! I have a very light North Eastern accent, it's not Geordie but it's obviously not received pronunciation.
I'm afraid with Dad and International School you have no chance of him picking up a Highland accent and also you live in France so he's not getting any exposure to it apart from with you.

I don't see anything wrong with his Dad teaching him things about his culture and background, just as you can with your child. It would be similar if one of you was from France and the other from Poland - each parent can teach the child about their cultural background and heritage.

The only way to avoid this scenario would have been not to marry him. I had a similar boyfriend when I was at university and split with him because his lifestyle, values and background was just too far from my own and I felt like it wasn't the right fit for me (even though he was a lovely person). I'm glad I made that decision.

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 12:37

Ardith · 05/12/2023 11:21

I think you need to get over the chip on your shoulder to be honest. You’re being a reverse-snob. ‘Resist the English oppressors’ do you realise how racist that is? You sound like a drunk old man from the 1800s, not a 21st century mum.

Your son is not having the same type if childhood that you had. So he isn’t going to grow up like you did.

Don’t try to teach your son to speak differently to his dad and his teachers, that’s confusing and mean.

It's racist to co-opt racism in this manner.

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 12:41

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 11:39

It's a pitiful substitute for justice, but it's all we've got.

Winter so your ‘substitute for justice’ is sneering at posh people. Wow.
What form does this take? Do you march around with banners shouting ‘poshos, poshos, poshos, out, out, out’?
I suggest you read a book called The Splendour and the Squalor’ by Marcus Scriven. It’s about once rich families who lost most of what they had through gambling, extravagance etc. and they ended up in much reduced circumstances. I think you’d enjoy it.

Only interested in structural change, not individual downfalls which change nothing.

I'm not sneering, btw, I'm deploring a. their privilege b.their wilful blindness to that privilege c. their shameless framing of themselves as victims.

But if I was sneering, it would be a small price for you to pay, eh?

garlictwist · 05/12/2023 12:44

Cornettoninja · 05/12/2023 08:45

Scon/scone is a really odd one to me.

my hull bred grandmother always said scone and sounded really posh to midlands bred me. She wasn’t ‘posh’ as such but was very ladylike and precise. It’s a real mix of who pronounces it and how.

I think I’ve concluded that pronunciation is the least reliable indicator of class status that there is. Jacob Rees Mogg sounds posher than the king and his grandfather was a lorry driver/car salesman.

Show quote history

Surely your Hull-bred grandmother would have said "scerrrrn"

jemenfous37 · 05/12/2023 12:46

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Yes! Excellent saying and absolutely does not work with anything other than a Scottish accent!

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 12:47

Only interested in structural change, not individual downfalls which change nothing.

Winter how do you think this structural change can be brought about? Armed revolution, maybe? (And the op can join you on one side of the barricades with her dh and ds on the other).

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 12:54

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 12:47

Only interested in structural change, not individual downfalls which change nothing.

Winter how do you think this structural change can be brought about? Armed revolution, maybe? (And the op can join you on one side of the barricades with her dh and ds on the other).

I don't have a solution - but I don't have to accept the status quo, or to stop pointing out the injustice of class and the fact that inequality is increasing yearly.

You really are sneering - and unlike me you are doing so from your comfortable position of power, and it's an ugly look.

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 12:56

@garlictwist yes! The best sound.

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 12:56

I don't have a solution - but I don't have to accept the status quo, or to stop pointing out the injustice of class and the fact that inequality is increasing yearly.

Since you feel so strongly maybe you should think about finding a solution and doing something about it.

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 12:57

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 12:56

I don't have a solution - but I don't have to accept the status quo, or to stop pointing out the injustice of class and the fact that inequality is increasing yearly.

Since you feel so strongly maybe you should think about finding a solution and doing something about it.

Yes, I am.

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 12:59

Yes, I am

What are you doing?

fionamadcat · 05/12/2023 13:00

I find this really interesting, we have a couple of examples of similar in our family, BIL born and raised in Scotland but identifies more with his Irish roots (FIL is Irish) and a nephew who was raised in a European country but says he feels Scottish (mum is from European country, dad is half Scottish)

RafaFan · 05/12/2023 13:01

I'm Scottish, husband is English (west country), we live in Canada, neither of us have lost our accents, although we use lots of Canadian terms e.g. "gas", "pants" out of necessity. Our kids were born here and they sound 100% Canadian to my ears, but one of them was bullied for his "British accent", and they do use British expressions. To be fair, after 25 years of living with me, my husband now refers to tatties. Not sure what my point is, except that there may be more Scottish influence than you think!

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 13:04

Hello!

I've really enjoyed hearing people's stories of families from particular regional cultures and how you've adapted and shared your heritage , thank you!
I could share a bit more with DS I think, although he definitely seems more engaged by DH's upbringing, by Westminster politics etc.
In 'real life' DH's family can be quite snobby towards me, so it's nice to talk slightly more freely here. And a lot of my friends were surprised when I started dating DH - although they really like him. He and my parents were quite apprehensive about meeting each other, partly because of the cultural / social / financial differences.

So it's been really interesting for me

And on the accent - Ds started speaking like DH straight away, when he was a toddler - despite having been equally exposed to my (def still v Scottish!) Accent and DH 's dulcet RP tones...plus various expats and French people. So it predominates!

OP posts:
Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 13:06

Someone said earlier ' what do you expect when you marry a posho? That's why they're still in power' and this rings true - it feels like DH has this instinct to tutor our son into being able to make small talk with a Bishop or something l!

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/12/2023 13:09

Having two kids with British accents who have been born and raised here (so no reason why they would not) still sounds peculiar to me. Even more so when I take them home and my family raise an eyebrow or are amused by their accents.
I always think it’s better to understand these weird systems as it’s never more obvious to others when you move within them but don’t know. In time you will see whether he embraces it (though you should disown him if he votes Tory in their current guise at least)

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 13:10

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 12:59

Yes, I am

What are you doing?

Thinking about finding a solution and doing something about it.

A good start might be to continue to point out inequity publicly, so that others start to question the status quo, and perhaps to see that this is not smply 'the way things are' but a system which has been constructed to benefit some and not others, forever; and that the former group are willing to deploy almost any murky tactic - sneering, mockery, framing themselves as victims of bullying and oppression - to keep that fact hidden from the latter.

Westfacing · 05/12/2023 13:14

Hmm... where is this 'posh boys camp'?

And real upper class people say scone to rhyme with gone.

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 13:19

A good start might be to continue to point out inequity publicly, so that others start to question the status quo.

People have been doing this for years, for example The Guardian and New Statesman, members of the Labour Party - presumably ineffectively if you think a solution is still needed.
I think you need to resort to more desperate measures - fling a few hand grenades around Eton maybe.

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 13:21

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 13:06

Someone said earlier ' what do you expect when you marry a posho? That's why they're still in power' and this rings true - it feels like DH has this instinct to tutor our son into being able to make small talk with a Bishop or something l!

Op, that's exactly what's happening. It's instinctive.

The goal is not being able to chat with the bishop though - it's for everything your son does and says in any possible situation to be coded as 'One of Us', so that he comes out on top of that situation. That's how it all reproduces itself.

I'm not having a go at your DH specifically - I really do think it's instinctive, which is why we need structural change to mitigate the worst of its effects.

WinterDeWinter · 05/12/2023 13:23

@Barbadossunset I definitely agree that liberal leftism is just the system co-opting radicalism to save itself.

Dutch1e · 05/12/2023 13:30

I was laughing about this with a fellow immigrant parent.

His kids go to a European school, my kid doesn't but is just typically soft as the Dutch are. Both of us are giving our kids exactly what every parent wants to give their kids.... the chance to grow up so safe that they never need to develop hard edges.

But we did speculate how feasible it is to give the kids a good beating 2 or 3 times a week to keep them in touch with their heritage 😂