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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

402 replies

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:44

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

  • *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

OP posts:
Aydel · 05/12/2023 11:37

(Although, that said, DD speaks French like a Ch’ti native!)

Barbadossunset · 05/12/2023 11:39

It's a pitiful substitute for justice, but it's all we've got.

Winter so your ‘substitute for justice’ is sneering at posh people. Wow.
What form does this take? Do you march around with banners shouting ‘poshos, poshos, poshos, out, out, out’?
I suggest you read a book called The Splendour and the Squalor’ by Marcus Scriven. It’s about once rich families who lost most of what they had through gambling, extravagance etc. and they ended up in much reduced circumstances. I think you’d enjoy it.

Cornettoninja · 05/12/2023 11:40

Also, not every kid attending int school is posh. Many families are military

to me this would explain the military ranking knowledge above anything else.

AIstolemylunch · 05/12/2023 11:40

Sending your kids to an international school in a different country from where you come from makes them sound like kids that have gone to an international school in a different country shocker!

AIstolemylunch · 05/12/2023 11:41

And I stil sound like that many year later btw, despite going to a Scottish University from there, so better learn to deal with it.

Caerulea · 05/12/2023 11:42

LakeTiticaca · 05/12/2023 10:27

You son sounds like an intelligent, articulate and well rounded young man.
Shame he is being denigrated by his own mother. Would you be prouder if he was hanging around with hoodlums threatening elderly ladies?
Maybe you should sign him up with a County lines gang, give him a taste of how the other half lives

It's not an either/or situ or is that how you view working class Scottish ppl?

Leah5678 · 05/12/2023 11:42

BaronessBomburst · 05/12/2023 07:48

Does he say scohne or scon? Grin

Nah ask the question properly. Does he say scone or scon?
Hopefully the proper way which is how it's spelt 🤷🏻‍♀️

Caerulea · 05/12/2023 11:48

CurlewKate · 05/12/2023 11:10

@Mirabai "My children are trilingual -posh, Yorkshire and Estuary Kentish

Peak MN."

Nope. Peak MN would be asking how to eliminate the Estuary Kentish and people suggesting a private school.....🤣

See this is my issue with RP! It's the forced removal of dialect cos having a dialect is
'classless'. Language is beautiful as are accents & RP just removes all of that. And the sharp, short 't' triggers my misophonia 😂

TuesdayQ · 05/12/2023 11:48

I came from a cockney man and a working class Bedford-born woman; my first boyfriend went to public school. I started attending events and being gently ribbed (I particularly remember the -day sound at the end of the days of the week being one). I ended up staying with many of these people between the ages of 15 and 18 (due to issues at home)... by the time I went to my Oxford interview no-one believed I was working class and from a state school.
I actually hate that I've lost that part of my identity and culture, so I do understand your upset, OP.

PlasticineKing · 05/12/2023 11:52

DH was at private school and I was at local state. His family much more wealthy than mine, proper MC to my WC. He’s Scottish and I’m English. DD was at local nursery and mostly had a Scottish lilt which I loved. During lockdown she lost it all and just sounded flat English like me. Now she’s at a local independant where barely any staff or students sound Scottish. She’s posh AF which I find hilarious as where I grew up was rough. My Scottish friends think I’m posh (I’m not - just flat English accent now as moved away for uni and now approaching 40). School mums clearly know I’m not posh at all 😂

I just try to roll with it - v little point in getting upset. Although you must have realised to a degree what DH and his family were like when you got together? Although saying that, I’d been with DH ages when a lot of this stuff fell into place for us. No point torturing yourself - just make sure his values/morals are on point and he’ll be grand.

TuesdayQ · 05/12/2023 11:53

TuesdayQ · 05/12/2023 11:48

I came from a cockney man and a working class Bedford-born woman; my first boyfriend went to public school. I started attending events and being gently ribbed (I particularly remember the -day sound at the end of the days of the week being one). I ended up staying with many of these people between the ages of 15 and 18 (due to issues at home)... by the time I went to my Oxford interview no-one believed I was working class and from a state school.
I actually hate that I've lost that part of my identity and culture, so I do understand your upset, OP.

Edited

This is incredibly outing but I don't care... If you know me; no you don't 🤣

ALightOverThere · 05/12/2023 11:54

Loads of public school students want to go to Glasgow- it’s a great university.

Topsyturvy78 · 05/12/2023 11:56

🤣🤣🤣I'm sure if he was surrounded by Scottish people he would have a Scottish accent.

TheBerry · 05/12/2023 11:59

YABU for being classist.

Who cares how posh he is. It isn’t bad to be posh any more than it’s bad to be working class or salt-of-the-earth or anything else.

All that matters is that how kind and decent a person he is, and that he’s happy and comfortable in his environment, and is able to pursue his interests. Which it seems he is.

TinkerTiger · 05/12/2023 11:59

Stealth boasts are getting weirder and weirder

Terribleatthis · 05/12/2023 11:59

I’m a northerner, married to a southerner living in the South. My kids haven’t yet settled to an accent and will say things like I need a baaaarth because I am covered in grass” - makes me chuckle!

MissLou0 · 05/12/2023 12:01

So you married a rich older guy for money and you’re disappointed your son is like him?

ChlorrOfTheMask · 05/12/2023 12:03

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 08:02

It’s weird when children became teenagers. They speak and identify with who they want to be. Your son has grown up in an international environment and not in Scotland. His memories aren’t yours

Agree with this.When children are raised somewhere that is neutral/neither of their parents' areas they find their own identity.

Given your son is at an international school, which is hardly a UK state comp, and his father's background it makes sense that his father has taught him information that will be useful for the circles he's likely to mix. You can do the same by sharing your Scottish heritage too. He'll pick and mix parts from both of your backgrounds as he finds his own feet.

Your sister's comment about you creating a proper public school boy is really mean in my opinion and sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder.

Nah, her sister wasn't being mean. It's what most Scottish folk would say in this situ and she's said it in a warm, fondly teasing kind of way.

acpk55 · 05/12/2023 12:03

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 08:02

It’s weird when children became teenagers. They speak and identify with who they want to be. Your son has grown up in an international environment and not in Scotland. His memories aren’t yours

Agree with this.When children are raised somewhere that is neutral/neither of their parents' areas they find their own identity.

Given your son is at an international school, which is hardly a UK state comp, and his father's background it makes sense that his father has taught him information that will be useful for the circles he's likely to mix. You can do the same by sharing your Scottish heritage too. He'll pick and mix parts from both of your backgrounds as he finds his own feet.

Your sister's comment about you creating a proper public school boy is really mean in my opinion and sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder.

100% this, your kids are not Scottish - they will find their own identity and possibly reject yours if you push it really hard
my mum is from Yorkshire and fortunately never really pushed her “Yorkshireness” on my as kid ( we grew up elsewhere), so I’m okay with having no roots there.

ChlorrOfTheMask · 05/12/2023 12:04

MissLou0 · 05/12/2023 12:01

So you married a rich older guy for money and you’re disappointed your son is like him?

Where did she say she married him for money?! FS. She's said she's not sure how they ended up together but they love one another. Sounds more like she's surprised she's fallen for someone from that kind of background but loves him anyway.

notlucreziaborgia · 05/12/2023 12:06

TinkerTiger · 05/12/2023 11:59

Stealth boasts are getting weirder and weirder

People can post about their lives, even if they are wealthy, without it being a ‘stealth boast’.

Desolatewardrobe · 05/12/2023 12:10

Despite growing up with the same parents in the same place my brother and I have different accents as he wanted to sound like his friends. I sound like a lot of people who went to my school so neither of us stands out but we don't sound alike. My cousins grew up in the same place with a similarly geographically diverse set of parents and sound different again - they took a lot more of their mother's accent than we did. Over the years my accent has changed again a bit because of the people I work with, and is now changing yet again because we've moved to a different place.

Of course a lot of teenagers use different accents at home and school too. An accent is a mutable thing through our lives.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/12/2023 12:12

HarpieDuJour · 05/12/2023 10:43

I think that when your children turn out to be almost the polar opposite of how you were as a child, it can feel a bit odd. It's not always a bad thing, but it can be a little disconcerting.

I actually did marry a crofter, and my parents are pretty well off. I went to boarding school, and have a Surrey accent. Two of my children sound like they have never left the Highlands, and two sound like me. One of the kids who sound like their dad changed his accent deliberately, because he was bullied at school for being a Sassenach. Apart from the bullying, I never really thought about their accents until one moved to Glasgow and phoned to ask why everyone kept assuming he was from England.

The one child who has a Highland/Islands accent naturally has always spent more time with his dad, whereas the others always wanted to be with me. It can be hard to balance what they learn about both cultures, and to battle the assumption that England doesn't really have one!

OP, if your kid likes military stuff (I don't, but come from a military family, so I know a lot of people do), then you could talk to him about the Highland regiments, which probably means researching them together. If he is interested in nobility/titles, you can talk to him about the clan system. It will help him to feel linked to both sides of his family, so tell him about your extended family and their part in historical events. My kids are as fascinated by their grandfather being a loom fitter for Harris tweed weavers and all the stories about that, as they are by the military campaigns that my parents/grandparents/cousins etc fought in.

(Also, if it helps, the military thing is often just a phase!).

Edited

And then Rupert will trot off to Sandhurst before joining one of those regiments in a true case of nominative determinism. Probably fit in perfectly at Dartmouth as well.

My ex hates the way my voice can go all the way from pinpointable to within a 3 mile radius, through 'I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed' teacher, all the way to the quiet liquid nitrogen of my Grandmother's voice when I'm angry. Yes, my accent changes for different situations - mostly because of a combination of a stammer where speaking like Grandma helped and being brought up in absolute poverty. He didn't like my speaking mangling other languages, either - they vary from fell-off-a-combine-harvester to super posh, depending upon how and from whom I learned them.

But, then again, I was also singularly unimpressed when he came home one day speaking like Tim Bloody Westwood. Felt like saying 'For Heaven's sake, Alexander, you grew up in West Ewell'.

ThanksItHasPockets · 05/12/2023 12:16

Caerulea · 05/12/2023 11:48

See this is my issue with RP! It's the forced removal of dialect cos having a dialect is
'classless'. Language is beautiful as are accents & RP just removes all of that. And the sharp, short 't' triggers my misophonia 😂

Show quote history

RP is a dialect.

AmazingSnakeHead · 05/12/2023 12:17

I raised my kid in scotland and absolutely loved his local accent, it was cute and it made me laugh when as a two year old he'd correct my enlgish pronunciation. It made me feel connected to where we lived. But that's because I loved the town that we lived in and I loved living in Scotland in general. If I had hated it or had a chip on my shoulder about it, I might have been upset.

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