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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend rarely replies to messages

80 replies

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:09

Lovely friend, when we meet up it's great, although she can be flaky. But... she never replies to messages. I'm not talking just chit chat, but questions about plans, potential plans. I'm not bombarding her honestly, but she takes over a week to reply if at all.

Currently trying to arrange a couple of Christmas trips out, she usually comes, and I just can't pin her down as she doesn't reply.

I do usually end up speaking to her on the phone but she just says she's had a busy week, various stresses, illness etc.then still doesn't give a clear answer.

AIBU to raise her lack of reply or just accept that's what she's like. I do love her to bits so no desire to implode the friendship. Or do you think she doesn't actually give a shit?

OP posts:
SandboxSalsa · 04/12/2023 17:12

I can’t be doing with people who are that bad at replying - I’m not prepared to do all the work, so I’d probably let the friendship drift and accept things ebb and flow, and sometimes ebb totally. That’s sometimes a bit of a sad thing though.

Some people are crap at replying / much better at maintaining friendships with people who they naturally see ‘at stuff’, so it might not be personal.

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:14

That's how I feel, like I am the one hassling her. It feels like it's drifting but when we meet up it's lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:15

@SandboxSalsa would you raise with her? My dh thinks that would be so rude but in the spirit of maintaining the friendship, honesty the best policy? Unsure as I may come off as an over scheduled arsehole

OP posts:
Safxxx · 04/12/2023 17:21

Does she prefer phone calls instead? I avoid calls I'm more of a texter...maybe she's more of a chatter on the phone and not good with messages. .... you need to ask her how she would like to communicate.
One of my friends used to call me instead of texting me...but after a few declined calls she learnt to message me instead lol...but I see why she preferred phone calls to texts as she's a very slow texter...😕

Fionaville · 04/12/2023 17:23

You could be writing this about me 🙈
I love my friend and enjoy her company, I'm just so overwhelmed keeping up with the various social engagements we have booked in December, when I get a message about a night out, I just don't have the energy to think or plan when I can fit it in. So I think 'I'll reply later when I've got 10 minutes to look at the family calendar and think' But it's a daunting task, because frankly I don't want to write anything else on there, but equally know I should make time for my friend. Which leaves me in a guilt cycle that causes me to not reply for days. I'm not making excuses, that's just the process of this serial slow reply person! It's flaky and annoying, I know.

SandboxSalsa · 04/12/2023 17:23

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:15

@SandboxSalsa would you raise with her? My dh thinks that would be so rude but in the spirit of maintaining the friendship, honesty the best policy? Unsure as I may come off as an over scheduled arsehole

I (personally) think it’s ok to raise - I would say as briefly/gently as possible, and keeping the emotional temperature as low as possible. Partly because if you come across as needy you risk skewing the power dynamic.

As long as you’re prepared that she might say that she doesn’t feel you two have that much in common - or indeed she might come back with things that have nothing to do with your respective personalities, which would be easier.

But it might also be a difference in communication styles, which would be a good thing to know.

MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister · 04/12/2023 17:23

I have the same situation, but with my eldest DC. When I spoke to her about it, she replied with how busy she always is. I'm sorry, but it doesn't take 2 minutes to fire off a text message. Annoys the hell out of me

Janiie · 04/12/2023 17:24

Just stop messaging her op, let her make an effort and if she doesn't then sadly I would let the friendship fizzle and spend time with other people.

chipsandpeas · 04/12/2023 17:24

so plan your trip without her, and when she complains point out she never got back to you

this happening a few times might make her realise

MidnightMeltdown · 04/12/2023 17:25

I think that people just have varying levels of comfort with how much time they want to spend texting. You're seeing it as one message, but she may have messages from 14 other people who she also needs to respond to

I'm not a big texter and I dislike the idea that just because you have a mobile phone, you must always be available on demand. Sometimes I just want to switch off from technology. Having said that, I do always reply, sometimes it may just take a couple of days.

If she's not replying at all, then she's either feeling overwhelmed, or she's not as enthusiastic about their friendship as you are.

bombastix · 04/12/2023 17:28

Ergh. If your friend is flaky in other areas OP I might let this drift and make your own plans. I'm not a great texter myself but chasing someone isn't something my friends need to do.

MrsMarzetti · 04/12/2023 17:30

She is rude and doesn't respect you and therefore doesn't deserve your friendship.

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 17:30

You could be describing me too. I’m an appalling texter - to the point whereby I wish they’d never been invented sometimes. I just wish my friends would call me instead.

Dinnerfor8pm · 04/12/2023 17:31

I'd take the hint and walk away from the friendship. Even if that's not her actual intention I would see it as that and treat her as such.

starlight2k · 04/12/2023 17:31

I have one friend like this and I've told her (in a very nice way) how annoying it is, she agreed but she still does it, so I have no advice. She is a very good friend otherwise so I don't want to let things go, but it really grates on me.

MisNb · 04/12/2023 17:33

Does she send you messages/initiate plans?

If not then I would be inclined to think that she's happy to let the friendship slide at this time for a whole variety of reasons. She could simply just have too much on to maintain friendships properly - that may change in the future, but for now I would accept her pace. Arrange your trips with the others, keep her in the loop (for a while at least) but don't delay anything because of her or chase.

meeplesmarples · 04/12/2023 17:33

I'm the same as @Fionaville , it's the overwhlem that stops me replying...

If I have a solid deadline, it forces me to confront it though, can you try saying "I need to know by tomorrow 4pm" and see if that gets her to send a response?

Precipice · 04/12/2023 17:34

Can't you call her instead? It seems from your OP that you can talk better with her like that.

Try to message her ahead of time and 'budget' for a slower reply. It's a convenient time for you to message her, but not for her to message you. You choosing to message her shouldn't give rise to an obligation for her to message you back at whatever time.

MidnightMeltdown · 04/12/2023 17:37

You need to remember that lots of people spend all day in front of a screen at work. Sometimes you just need to switch off.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 04/12/2023 17:42

Maybe you just need to accept friendships a bit like that with people who are busy.

I have a friend who I won't hear from for 7/8/9/10 days, sometimes even 2 weeks, but then I'll get upto 20 messages at once.

I know that if I called her instead of messaged, it would sort of prick her ears up as something really important and she would answer, anytime but otherwise, the chat just gets picked up when she has the head space.

The quality of friendship we have is lovely and worth waiting for a reply.

Besides that, I'd hate her to try to find bandwidth for our friendship if she was struggling to juggle everything else

MidnightMeltdown · 04/12/2023 17:46

starlight2k · 04/12/2023 17:31

I have one friend like this and I've told her (in a very nice way) how annoying it is, she agreed but she still does it, so I have no advice. She is a very good friend otherwise so I don't want to let things go, but it really grates on me.

Yeah, I don't think it's really a good idea to raise this with someone. It's like telling someone who gets up at 8am that you'd rather they got up at 7am

People have their own personal preferences with regard to how much they want to engage with technology. They aren't likely to change.

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:47

@Safxxx would it be ok to ask her? This is exactly what I am thinking, but would that be weird

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:47

@Fionaville I suspect this is the same for her which is why I don't want to offend her by raising it

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 04/12/2023 17:48

Any friendship with someone like that would not last with me. I accept there may be odd occasions, but not if that is the usual response.

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:48

@SandboxSalsa thank you, I genuinely just want to be her friend but am shouting into a cave with these messages!

OP posts: