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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend rarely replies to messages

80 replies

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:09

Lovely friend, when we meet up it's great, although she can be flaky. But... she never replies to messages. I'm not talking just chit chat, but questions about plans, potential plans. I'm not bombarding her honestly, but she takes over a week to reply if at all.

Currently trying to arrange a couple of Christmas trips out, she usually comes, and I just can't pin her down as she doesn't reply.

I do usually end up speaking to her on the phone but she just says she's had a busy week, various stresses, illness etc.then still doesn't give a clear answer.

AIBU to raise her lack of reply or just accept that's what she's like. I do love her to bits so no desire to implode the friendship. Or do you think she doesn't actually give a shit?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:49

@MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister ha ha this is also bubbling away inside me too. Even just a holding message, an acknowledgment. Doesn't have to be an essay

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Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:49

@chipsandpeas that's a good point. I wonder

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Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:50

@MidnightMeltdown I suspect it's overwhelm but I still need the odd answer. I think I need to raise it gently

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Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:51

@starlight2k yes that's what this is like. Great friend, there for me when I need her always. Just shit at replying

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CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:51

@MisNb yes and no. Last minute stuff I just can't do usually.

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CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:53

Thanks for all the replies, really interesting perspectives.

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Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:54

She does respond better to a call but not always. Ugh minefield.

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Cornishclio · 04/12/2023 17:54

I have a friend like that but I rarely see her these days. When I do it is nice and she moans we don't see enough of each other but I can't be bothered to continually chase her to firm up plans. I have other friends who make more effort. I get some people suffer with their mental health and get overwhelmed but tbh I will only make so many allowances for that. In my view friendships need to be two way rather than one person making all the effort.

Mary46 · 04/12/2023 17:59

I let a few friends go op due to this. Husband circle same ages to get back about a catchup. I thought lately can I be assed with all this.. no.. same with a school reunion coffee she was weeks committing to it to any sort of date. Sigh.

usernother · 04/12/2023 18:02

Send her a message asking if she fancies doing xxxx on xxxx date. Then don't message her again. If you don't hear from her, don't go or go alone. You'll know then you are way down her list of priorities and she's not really a friend. It sounds to me like she's waiting to see if she gets a better offer. Very rude.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/12/2023 18:03

When you ask her if she wants to do something, can you give a date you need an answer by? "Hey X, did you want to catch a movie on Y date? Let me know by Y-6 days so that I can buy tickets/book babysitter"

Changington · 04/12/2023 18:07

I'm on a spectrum or two and find replying to messages to be extremely overwhelming at times.

It's hard to explain to someone who thinks it "just takes a second to reply" that sometimes switching my mind over to this new task is a big effort for me. Not to mention scheduling plans when I'm already overwhelmed and just want to curl up into a ball and forget the world.
Sometimes I spend so much time and energy crafting the perfect response in my head that I forget I never actually sent it.
Sometimes I read the message and instantly forget that I read it or had anything to reply to. 🤣 But, I'm always apologetic and I make sure to reach out to my close friends regularly so they know I care about them even if I'm rubbish sometimes.

If you don't get it, you don't get it and that's fine, I'm just offering my perspective as a chronic non-replyer. I agree with the people above that "tell me by 4pm tomorrow or I'll assume you don't want to be involved" is the best way to go about it, so you're not being strung along. She might not mean to but you also don't deserve to be treated that way.

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2023 18:20

I’ve had friendships like this so when I gave up trying the friendships ended.
I wouldn’t bother chasing her. If someone wanted to contact they will make the time however busy they are

Messymaker · 04/12/2023 18:21

I hate texting. The amount of times I've had to explain to my friends it's nothing personal is actually quite grating and daunting for me. I understand that it's communication which is vital to keep a relationship going but I just can't force myself to get into it. So my responses are awful or non existent. I'm just giving you insight into how other people are op. It's frustrating but you are just two DIFFERENT people with different preferences and likes/dislikes.

If its really unbearable for you it's allowed to be a friendship breaker and she should respect that.

Nowherenew · 04/12/2023 18:44

I wouldn’t be chasing her.

I’d text her and say “do you want to meet up this weekend, give me a ring or text if you do”.

If she doesn’t reply, then leave it.

If you make plans and she doesn’t respond and then she turns up and you don’t (because she hadn’t replied) then you can explain it’s because she didn’t reply.

I don’t see much point in bringing it up as she’s more than aware that it’s rude to not reply.

Safxxx · 04/12/2023 19:20

Not weird at all, go ahead and ask her. You could say as you don't reply to my messages would you prefer I rather call you for arrangements etc

thatlondonchick · 04/12/2023 19:24

Have had friends like this and to put it bluntly the friendship has not evolved or has come to a stalemate as I just can't be bothered, one particular friend just messages about school stuff as our kids go same school and I just left her hanging as I feel like I can't get to know her as she is so closed off - it takes more than one person to make a friendship work

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 19:24

@OrderOfTheKookaburra that will be my next tactic

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EvilElsa · 04/12/2023 19:27

I was like this when I was severely depressed. I just couldn't bring myself to reply. It wasn't personal, I just could barely function.
Obviously this may not be the case at all, but keep an open mind. I certainly wasn't trying to be a shit friend or cause any upset.

Mary46 · 04/12/2023 19:28

Yes its 2 way thing with friends its cant be all one way efforts. It soon fizzle if nobody makes contact ..

Teddleshon · 04/12/2023 19:30

I think this is incredibly rude and reveals a complete lack of consideration for others.

Mary46 · 04/12/2023 19:30

Thats fair enough Evil but its this flaky non comittal drives me mad

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/12/2023 19:35

Not replying to text messages is rude, it takes seconds.

petalsandstars · 04/12/2023 19:36

I can be like this too. If the DC are misbehaving or I’m at work when I get a text I’m not in the right frame of mind to reply. Then I remember when I’m driving for example so can’t reply at that moment, then get caught up with something else and forget again. I hate that I’m like this, I don’t know how to change it though. But I do love my friends and would be devastated if they cut contact because of it.

rwc2023 · 04/12/2023 19:38

I've landed up losing (or at least pausing for now) a friendship over the heads of exactly this - so my only advice is be careful what you wish for.

I'll not bore you with details of my friendship quandary ..... but I was your friend, and my friend was you. And I just felt I was being told I wasn't good enough, and that she was better. Maybe that wasn't how she intended the message to be delivered, but it was certainly how I heard it. Essentially I didn't respond quick enough, or with enough feeling, according to her.

I maybe sound bitter .... but I kind of felt, still feel, why does she get to set the rules I have to stick to. I could list dozens of minor things I've not liked when she's done them - but ignored them in the grand scheme of things, of feeling our friendship was worth more. So, now I feel that what's worth most to her is the speed of my responses ... which is sad because however we may in the future try to mend this, will I always worry I'm not quick enough?

My advice for what its worth? Be practical yes - give a deadline if its needed e.g. for confirming plans. But otherwise, is your friendship measured by quantity (or speed) of responses, or quality? That's a genuine question, not me being facetious, not that I need your answer though (!) - there's what is genuinely important to you; and what you do differently to someone else but it doesn't need to impact things (and you can find middle ground if you want).

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