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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend rarely replies to messages

80 replies

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:09

Lovely friend, when we meet up it's great, although she can be flaky. But... she never replies to messages. I'm not talking just chit chat, but questions about plans, potential plans. I'm not bombarding her honestly, but she takes over a week to reply if at all.

Currently trying to arrange a couple of Christmas trips out, she usually comes, and I just can't pin her down as she doesn't reply.

I do usually end up speaking to her on the phone but she just says she's had a busy week, various stresses, illness etc.then still doesn't give a clear answer.

AIBU to raise her lack of reply or just accept that's what she's like. I do love her to bits so no desire to implode the friendship. Or do you think she doesn't actually give a shit?

OP posts:
SandyWaves · 04/12/2023 19:39

These excuses drive me crazy

I am sorry but 99% of people have their phone on them constantly. Always looking at messages etc.

People will reply to those they want to reply to and ignore the rest, Its as simple as that. No- one is that busy to send a two second reply. No-one or they are bullshitting.

Lovetotravel123 · 04/12/2023 19:39

If someone doesn’t reply to me then I assume that they aren’t interested. I would just let it drift if she isn’t making an effort.

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 19:43

Safxxx · 04/12/2023 17:21

Does she prefer phone calls instead? I avoid calls I'm more of a texter...maybe she's more of a chatter on the phone and not good with messages. .... you need to ask her how she would like to communicate.
One of my friends used to call me instead of texting me...but after a few declined calls she learnt to message me instead lol...but I see why she preferred phone calls to texts as she's a very slow texter...😕

Why would you decline calls? Texting is killing conversations.

After a few declined calls I'd never have bothered with you again

Ladybird69 · 04/12/2023 19:43

I’ve got a friend exactly like this. I even raised it with her and she said oh I’m just terrible at replying! Yet when I’ve been out with her she’s always texting and WhatsApping other friends! Yet usually when I message her it’s asking if she’s ok, I’m not asking her for anything or any favours!

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 19:44

I've struggled with anxiety and depression. Replying to messages was like climbing Everest.

rwc2023 · 04/12/2023 19:45

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 17:51

@starlight2k yes that's what this is like. Great friend, there for me when I need her always. Just shit at replying

And, therein is reality.

despite the messages above about 99% of us having no excuse effectively .... everyone's different, different strengths & weaknesses. I know what I'd rather have ....

Safxxx · 04/12/2023 19:48

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 19:43

Why would you decline calls? Texting is killing conversations.

After a few declined calls I'd never have bothered with you again

Show quote history

I do answer some but she would call again for something else...but she finally got the message that I preferred messages to chats, I see her 5 days a week so not as if we don't talk lol

eduwot · 04/12/2023 19:51

This could be me too. I do love my friends, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed by constant messages or people trying to make too many social arrangements. I have always been like this, but I am currently dealing with a horrible, traumatic issue in my life and I'm on a knifes edge.
I just wanted to make you aware, as you never really know what's happening in someone's life. None of my friends know my current situation.

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 19:52

@EvilElsa well this has crossed my mind, I don't want to be the selfish arse who missed something going on

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 04/12/2023 19:54

When you see her how often is her phone out?
If she's shit on her phone in person it's one thing but if she's on it lots when you see her then she's choosing not to reply.

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 19:55

@rwc2023 I am concerned about exactly this, that I come across as the one that is trying to set the rules and organise everything and putting pressure on her. It's literally one event before Christmas, but if she's overwhelmed it may feel like too much. I would hate for her to think that I was judging her, but there were lots of other people in my life that respond within a couple of days so we can get stuff sorted. I also don't want to be unkind and leave her out, but if I can't get an answer, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 19:57

@SandyWaves this is one of the things that has been bothering me as I can see the last time she was online and it is usually within the last hour. This makes me feel incredibly selfish though which is why I posted this in the first place. Maybe she just isn't choosing to reply to me, but I'm not sure she's replying to anyone. I just don't know

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 04/12/2023 19:58

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 19:52

@EvilElsa well this has crossed my mind, I don't want to be the selfish arse who missed something going on

Not selfish at all. I totally understand how frustrating it is to not get replies and if she hasn't told you there's no way you could know.
I was a totally functional depressive. I worked, raised the kids, went to the gym. I could hold a conversation with someone if I had to (although I'd hide from everyone as much as I could). I was also suicidal and planning my way out at the same time.
I have since apologised to my closest friends who I didn't keep up with as much as I should and explained why.
It could be nothing like this at all, I just wanted to give another side to the story. You sound like a great friend.

Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 20:00

@eduwot yes exactly thus and I would hate to turn into something when it's just her going through stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 20:02

@strawberry2017 she's not often looking at it. I honestly don't expect her to reply within minutes or even hours it's just when it stretches on for days it starts to make me wonder.

She is a little bit more inclined to take a phone call , but I feel like that's more intrusive . Maybe I should get over there and call her. I almost feel like that's more of a nuisance than sending a text to wait for a reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 20:04

@EvilElsa thank you for your perspective, I wouldn't want to rule something like this out as she has had a shift in her life in the last two years and her priorities have changed slightly, but as you say she hasn't really kept me up to date and does keep things a little close to her chest

OP posts:
GrumpyDullard · 04/12/2023 20:06

SandyWaves · 04/12/2023 19:39

These excuses drive me crazy

I am sorry but 99% of people have their phone on them constantly. Always looking at messages etc.

People will reply to those they want to reply to and ignore the rest, Its as simple as that. No- one is that busy to send a two second reply. No-one or they are bullshitting.

Except I honestly do this. I have my phone with me most of the time and can respond to posts on mumsnet or Facebook but find it harder to reply to proper messages from friends. Often I need to think about it for a bit, or check my calendar, or ask my partner/child/boss, etc. before replying… and then it gets forgotten. I often find a message half written and not sent, probably because one of my kids has wanted something and I’ve been distracted. It doesn’t mean I’m making a decision to ignore my friends.

GrumpyDullard · 04/12/2023 20:08

Also it takes me a really long time to choose the right words. My post above took me 20 minutes!

EmmaEmerald · 04/12/2023 22:23

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/12/2023 19:55

@rwc2023 I am concerned about exactly this, that I come across as the one that is trying to set the rules and organise everything and putting pressure on her. It's literally one event before Christmas, but if she's overwhelmed it may feel like too much. I would hate for her to think that I was judging her, but there were lots of other people in my life that respond within a couple of days so we can get stuff sorted. I also don't want to be unkind and leave her out, but if I can't get an answer, I don't know what to do.

If you don’t get an answer, it’s a no.

if it’s a drink or something she can easily join last minute that’s one thing, but don’t wait on her reply or put money down.

I’m sure people used to be better at committing to things or just saying no. What happened? It’s weird.

Frazzledmummy123 · 04/12/2023 22:35

If it is texts with an invitation then it is plain rude to not reply, or leave it a week to reply. If it is chatty/conversational texts I'd give more leeway for delays with these type of texts as if someone is busy, maybe they are waiting until they have the time to chat to reply properly. Though not replying at all is pretty crap. If it is an invitation or a quick question it is pretty pathetic that they can't reply as it takes literally a minute or 2 to type a message so yanbu.

I had a friend like that. I ended up stopping bothering as she'd never reply. Then when she noticed I stopped, suddenly she started making the effort and getting in touch.

Mary46 · 05/12/2023 09:28

My friend was bit lax would be days getting back to me. She got better now. But its annoying "keep in touch". Then u cant get them lol. I think I make few efforts then I stop if I feel zero efforts its 2 way.

User2346522 · 05/12/2023 09:38

She probably has ADHD. Texting back is one of those things that really feel like a chore and require a huge amount of executive function. Even if it's a ridiculously simple issue like making plans.

And it probably means she doesn't actually want to meet you anyway. She does show up to things because she doesn't want to appear rude but deep down she doesn't want to be there. Neurodivergent people only have enough "mental energy" for a fixed amount of social obligations. If the genuinely enjoy something and want to be there, they will definitely write back quickly. If they leave it for a week then they most likely don't feel that excited about it.

Ragwort · 05/12/2023 09:44

Maybe you are overwhelming her with messages and suggested meet ups? I have a very good friend, we live quite a distant apart and honestly I am happy with just meeting up two or three times a year .. we both have busy lives, elderly parents, grown up children that seem to need a lot of support, etc etc. When we do meet up we have a great time but she then immediately messages planning the next meet up .. she clearly loves a very busy social life but I really don't.

Flyhigher · 05/12/2023 11:11

I hate texting. More of a phone call person. Also ... if work is frantic I don't always see my texts. Till later. If she usually comes then just let her be. She cares. She's just stressed.

Goodornot · 05/12/2023 11:13

I sent voice notes as typing takes so bloody long.