Friend rarely replies to messages

[CheeseDreamsTonight]

Lovely friend, when we meet up it's great, although she can be flaky. But... she never replies to messages. I'm not talking just chit chat, but questions about plans, potential plans. I'm not bombarding her honestly, but she takes over a week to reply if at all.

Currently trying to arrange a couple of Christmas trips out, she usually comes, and I just can't pin her down as she doesn't reply.

I do usually end up speaking to her on the phone but she just says she's had a busy week, various stresses, illness etc.then still doesn't give a clear answer.

AIBU to raise her lack of reply or just accept that's what she's like. I do love her to bits so no desire to implode the friendship. Or do you think she doesn't actually give a shit?

I'm like your friend. I just get overwhelmed. I'm not on social media but have to be on certain WhatsApp groups (friendship groups/class groups/work groups/family groups) and it feels like a relentless barrage of demands for my attention. On top of kids/demanding job/sick family I just find it too much sometimes. I don't think this is an excuse. I have lost friends over this issue sadly and am trying to be better. If you want to keep up the friendship I'd keep the messages to purely functional and send polite, non-judgmental chasers when she doesn't reply. But you would be within your rights to cool the friendship.

I think it's worth remembering that our way isn't always the "right" or "only" way. As a PP said, people have autonomy to choose how they use technology

Over time, I've tended to gravitate towards people who are like me (reply quickly, happy to commit), but I accept other people aren't wrong

With my flaky friend, I tend to make plans with other people and then tell her that X and I are going (here) at (time) and she's welcome to join us if she wishes to buy her own ticket

Ditched a friend for similar flaky behaviour. She was fun when we manged to get together but honestly, pinning her down to any arrangement was a nightmare. Didn't have her phone on her, kids had let the battery run down, her texts were broken (?), her email was hacked, she couldn't work out how to use SnapChat/Whatsapp/messenger, she'd forgotten the password for her voicemail - it just went on and on. I just got bored of trying to make arrangements with her.

And even if she did make an arrangement, 9 times out of 10 she was late. So I just stopped bothering. Did hear from a mutual friend that she was very upset that she can't seem to keep friends so i'm obviously not the only one.

Can you see her without involving a phone? Make plans in person? Sounds like it’s the phone that is the issue.

we did have friendships before phones and there was less resentment - in my opinions. Cards / letters / odd land line calls but a lot more distance and a lot of friendship happened in person not online

I think it’s ok to be direct about needing an answer regarding plans. It doesn’t have to be a big thing but procrastinators need a hard deadline sometimes.