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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teens alone overnight instead of at dads

101 replies

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:05

long story short, my husband and I split up in September. I had previously been a SAHM but cant afford to anymore. He agreed to have them (dd15, dd14 and ds9) overnight 3 nights a week so I have thankfully found a great job working those 3 night shifts. I started this week (only done 1 shift but love it)

a couple of days ago, dds and their dad had an argument, they said he locked them out, he swears he didnt, whatever, they came home (lives a few minites away walking)

However, the next day they got in his car with him and his mum and he started having a go at them saying they called him a liar and petty and they need to grow up (i believed them for what its worth, he has form for being petty)
his mum (kids nanna) said calm down, mistakes happen
and he said yeah fucking three of them.

so obviously dds were upset by this ( though it isnt the first thing hes said similar to this when hes in a mood - hence splitting up) and really dont want to go round there any more. Ive always encouraged a relationship and was always the mediator when he lived with us. but I feel at their age they should be able to have a say, and quite frankly, the way he spoke about them (and their brother who had nothing to do with this!) is disgusting.

Problem is, if they dont go to his there is no one else for them to stay with overnight, and i cant change to days on this new job, so my options are

a) insist they stay at their dads (i would rather avoid this, i dont think this will benefit them or their relationship in the long run)
b) find another job (easier said than done i was looking for 2 months for this and as well as leting them down, it really is a lovely job and the pay is decent for the industry)
c) let the girls stay home alone while im out (7.30pm-8.30am) there are no laws I can find that say they arent allowed however lots of guidance to suggest they should not be left overnight under 16.

DD15 is 16 in 5 months, dd14 has only just turned 14.
They have phones, ring doorbell, comfortable with being home alone in the day / evening and we have a (very barky) dog, I just feel its irresponsible.
Their dad is also, as said above, a few minutes away on foot in an emergency and I am working 5-10 minutes drive away

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 04/12/2023 13:08

How do they feel about it?

Also what time will you need to leave for work will you be home with them after school, and are the days consecutive? I wouldn't want teens to not see a parent or only fleetingly Tuesday to Thursday for example, they need more support than that. Monday weds Fri or similar feels different because you're around in between

tescocreditcard · 04/12/2023 13:11

He's trying to sabatage your job. It's no coincidence that this all flared up now you've got a job working nights and need him.

FawnFrenchieMum · 04/12/2023 13:12

I think like @SgtJuneAckland said, I need a little more info to decide how I would feel about it.
In general, I would be happy for them to stay alone over night but with it being very regular, it would depend on timings / days.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:13

they absolutely dont want to go and are pleading with me not to send them. they are more than happy to be left.
the times i have put above are the maximum i would be away including travel.
7.30 in evening till 8.30 next morning
it would be weds, thurs and every other saturday
I would be at home and awake after school and have dinner with them, only need to leave at 7.30

should see them also before school unless im running late but if thats the case i will be able to phone them to check in

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 04/12/2023 13:13

You may also find it settles down in a couple of weeks and they may want to go back.
What would you do if one wanted to stay with Dad but other didn't?

FawnFrenchieMum · 04/12/2023 13:14

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:13

they absolutely dont want to go and are pleading with me not to send them. they are more than happy to be left.
the times i have put above are the maximum i would be away including travel.
7.30 in evening till 8.30 next morning
it would be weds, thurs and every other saturday
I would be at home and awake after school and have dinner with them, only need to leave at 7.30

should see them also before school unless im running late but if thats the case i will be able to phone them to check in

I think I would be ok with this.

Do you have access to your phone whilst working?

Rjahdhdvd · 04/12/2023 13:16

Sorry but I think you need to find a new job or insist they stay; I don’t think it’s fair for a 15 year old to be responsible for a 9 year old. It’s very unfair on you if you have to look for a new job but I think it’s too much.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:17

I dont have constant access to my phone but i can pop in and check it and i have it at break times, they could also call the building

OP posts:
Summermeadowflowers · 04/12/2023 13:17

I think this is all right. It might not be totally ideal but it’s better than any of the alternatives as far as I can see.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:18

sorry I didnt mean the 9 year old, he is unaware really of whats going on and still very much wants to spend time with his dad. It would just be dd15 and dd14 (14yo is as resposnsible if not moreso than the older one)

OP posts:
Rjahdhdvd · 04/12/2023 13:18

Also think about if this goes wrong - if they decide to invite people over, if friends know they’re home alone and come over uninvited, if they leave the cooker on, forget to lock the front door, have an argument etc etc then that’s your responsibility.
I have a mature 15 year old but I still wouldn’t do as they just don’t see risks where adults do and even if you think you can trust them teenage minds sometimes run away with themselves

SpaceRaiders · 04/12/2023 13:20

Personally I’d be fine in that situation leaving the 15 and 14 yr old if they’re generally sensible. The 9yr old not so much.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:20

hmm im not sure. I think if it was the older one i would be ok on her own but if she wanted to go to dads then i wouldnt be happy dd14 staying on her own (but of the two it would be the eldest saying she didnt want to go as she has always had a rocky relationship with her dad)

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:21

yes these are my fears. Ring doorbell means i would know if anyone came in the house. and they would be allowed to use toaster and air fryer but not the oven

OP posts:
curaçao · 04/12/2023 13:22

you cannotlbe leaving under 16s alone overnight three nights a week, every week!

titchy · 04/12/2023 13:23

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:17

I dont have constant access to my phone but i can pop in and check it and i have it at break times, they could also call the building

You can't take this job. Tbh you shouldn't have applied for it knowing that your ex can't be relied upon.

It's far too much for a 15 year old to look after two younger siblings, getting them to bed and overnight.

And intermittent access to your phone to boot. No. Imagine one of them has an accident - it'll happen - probably a fairly minor accident but it's inevitable something will happen. You pick up a message from the hospital saying you urgently need to get there, They left the message three hours ago. Still feel happy about your decision?

Sorry.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:23

they are generally. they just listen to music/ watch tv and they both like their sleep so although they may push the limits a bit with going to bed (supposed to be 10,30 i would guess they might stay up an extra hour) i

OP posts:
titchy · 04/12/2023 13:24

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:21

yes these are my fears. Ring doorbell means i would know if anyone came in the house. and they would be allowed to use toaster and air fryer but not the oven

But you won't know till hours afterwards!

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 04/12/2023 13:25

What are your neighbours like? Is there anyone nearby that they could go to in the event of one of them being unwell or an emergency?

Would they be willing to go to your exmils? Would she have them?

Could you speak to work and explain what's going on and ask if an adjustment could be made for you to either have your phone on your or for you kids to have the work phone number so they could contact you quickly if there was a problem?

Zanatdy · 04/12/2023 13:26

I don’t know. My dd is 16 in March and I’m reluctant to leave her yet, but nothing will magically change when she’s 16 (age my DS was when I left him). So maybe, as there’s 2 of them. I wouldn’t force them to go, but I’d hope Dad would step up. What about the Nanna?

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:26

thanks. He was very reliable for the last 2 months, and even now hasnt decided to stop seeing them, they can go there if needed. dd15 wouldnt be looking after two of them, it would be dd14 and dd15 looking after themselves.
oldest is 16 in 5 mnths

but i get where you are coming from and this is how why im torn about what the best thing to do is

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:27

i would get an alert on my phone.
i wont have my phone constantly but alerts/ texts/ calls show on my watch so i will know and get back to them if they needed me

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:28

cant go to nannas because her husband wouldnt allow it.
work will definitely be happy for them to call if theres a problem

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:29

this is my thinking. I dont really feel comfortable, but theyre not going to be much more mature in 4-5 months.
and the alternative is them going to dads who has just called them fucking mistakes, or for me to leave a job after one shift

OP posts:
ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 13:30

Not three nights a week, no, I don’t think you can do that.

Also if the school finds out they would probably be concerned (it’s the kind of thing I used to have to report when I was a safeguarding officer in a school.)