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Original poster

Teens alone overnight instead of at dads

101 replies

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:05

long story short, my husband and I split up in September. I had previously been a SAHM but cant afford to anymore. He agreed to have them (dd15, dd14 and ds9) overnight 3 nights a week so I have thankfully found a great job working those 3 night shifts. I started this week (only done 1 shift but love it)

a couple of days ago, dds and their dad had an argument, they said he locked them out, he swears he didnt, whatever, they came home (lives a few minites away walking)

However, the next day they got in his car with him and his mum and he started having a go at them saying they called him a liar and petty and they need to grow up (i believed them for what its worth, he has form for being petty)
his mum (kids nanna) said calm down, mistakes happen
and he said yeah fucking three of them.

so obviously dds were upset by this ( though it isnt the first thing hes said similar to this when hes in a mood - hence splitting up) and really dont want to go round there any more. Ive always encouraged a relationship and was always the mediator when he lived with us. but I feel at their age they should be able to have a say, and quite frankly, the way he spoke about them (and their brother who had nothing to do with this!) is disgusting.

Problem is, if they dont go to his there is no one else for them to stay with overnight, and i cant change to days on this new job, so my options are

a) insist they stay at their dads (i would rather avoid this, i dont think this will benefit them or their relationship in the long run)
b) find another job (easier said than done i was looking for 2 months for this and as well as leting them down, it really is a lovely job and the pay is decent for the industry)
c) let the girls stay home alone while im out (7.30pm-8.30am) there are no laws I can find that say they arent allowed however lots of guidance to suggest they should not be left overnight under 16.

DD15 is 16 in 5 months, dd14 has only just turned 14.
They have phones, ring doorbell, comfortable with being home alone in the day / evening and we have a (very barky) dog, I just feel its irresponsible.
Their dad is also, as said above, a few minutes away on foot in an emergency and I am working 5-10 minutes drive away

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:31

thanks. i think youre right. its just such a shitty situation

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:33

I will see if its possible to be moved onto days after xmas. they will just have to go to their dads up till then and hopefully knowing im trying to sort things so they dont have to will make it bareable

OP posts:
SpaceRaiders · 04/12/2023 13:34

Their dad is literally down the road, if you’re unavailable surely dc would have sense to contact him or run to a neighbour instead?!

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:35

yes they would do that

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 04/12/2023 13:35

Summermeadowflowers · 04/12/2023 13:17

I think this is all right. It might not be totally ideal but it’s better than any of the alternatives as far as I can see.

That's how I feel as long as they are OK with it and observe guidelines, eg not answer door, make sure double lock is on and back door locked, etc. If they feel nervous perhaps they could camp out together in the sitting room with TV or video on until they fall asleep; that might be fun (though the older ones might think that a bit childish).

Your ex sounds immature and stupid. I'm sorry about that.

All the best, I hope everything works out and wish you luck in your job.

Hollyhead · 04/12/2023 13:39

I think it’s fine, your eldest is nearly 16! Are you contactable at work? Do you have other people they could contact if they needed someone? I would also make sure they knew and understood how to turn the power back on if a switch tripped, and how to turn off mains water in an emergency.

If they’re happy to do it it would be really good life experience for them and the responsibility will boost their confidence.

WonderLife · 04/12/2023 13:39

I'd speak to them and explain the situation, yes their dad hasn't been very nice to them and shouldn't have spoken to them like that, but if they don't go over there it might mean you need to quit your job.

Can they go over there at 9.30 or 10, literally just to go to bed, and come home first thing in the morning?
Tell them it will just be for a few months until older one turns 16.

ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 13:39

Once as a one off you could do it and expect that nothing would happen. Three whole nights a week is too much.

Presumably they would be getting themselves off to school the next day? Would they be able to do that and get there on time?

TokyoSushi · 04/12/2023 13:40

I'm on the fence too, it would probably be ok, but it's quite a lot. Could you maybe compromise and say that they have to go to their Dad's on the school nights but they could stay at home on the weekend night, maybe?

SpaceRaiders · 04/12/2023 13:40

A lot of us single parents have had to leave ours earlier than most would ordinarily, sometimes you have to make the least worst option whilst factoring in all eventualities. Only thing I’d be wary of is that friends/boyfriends aren’t invited over whilst you’re at work.

Natsku · 04/12/2023 13:41

Sounds fine to me if they're ok with it. Their dad is nearby if there's a problem, and you aren't working far away. I would do it on a trial basis, if it turns out they're not as comfortable being left alone as they thought, or they prove themselves not to be as sensible as you thought, then you'll have to re-think things but its worth trying for the sake of keeping a job.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:42

thankyou
yes they could phone wither grandparent if for some reason couldnt get through to dad. but he lives in a flat 5 minutes away so they could go round (with dog if they didnt want to go in the middle of night alone) and ring the bell. They could also call my work phone or if they text or rang me it would go through to my watch so i could nip and ring them if it was important

Theyre drilled about answering door and fire protocall but good point about electrics and water i will show them those any way

OP posts:
Pigsears · 04/12/2023 13:42

Its the stuff that happens in the middle of the night and the getting themselves off to school on the morning. You wouldn't know there was an issue until they were due to come home after school... Which is why I'd be worried about leaving them.

Maybe if you set up touch points over night? So they needed to call you when going to bed, when they woke up, before they left etc

I don't think it's a permanent solution though.

First choice would be to sort with dad

Nonimai · 04/12/2023 13:42

I would feel a lot happier if a) I could take a break and go home to see them in bed and b) if a neighbour had a key and periodically went in - ( can you pay someone who lives nearby).

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:44

ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 13:39

Once as a one off you could do it and expect that nothing would happen. Three whole nights a week is too much.

Presumably they would be getting themselves off to school the next day? Would they be able to do that and get there on time?

they can get themselves to school fine as they have sometimes if ive had an early appointment and when i had covid and was asleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:46

Pigsears · 04/12/2023 13:42

Its the stuff that happens in the middle of the night and the getting themselves off to school on the morning. You wouldn't know there was an issue until they were due to come home after school... Which is why I'd be worried about leaving them.

Maybe if you set up touch points over night? So they needed to call you when going to bed, when they woke up, before they left etc

I don't think it's a permanent solution though.

First choice would be to sort with dad

yes if we were to do this (and it will prob come to it when they are 16) then i would definitely call at bedtime, and in the morning to make sure they are awake
They leave for school at 8.20 and i finish at 8 although it can run over slightly, so i would sometimes be home as they are about to leave but i would definitely be able to call them before they left

OP posts:
Emeraldsanddiamonds · 04/12/2023 13:54

I'd do this if your daughters are ok with it. They sound sensible. Is the 9 year old going to be with his dad? To be honest I'd be more worried about your daughters having a quarrel with their father and leaving his house in the middle of the night.

NoTouch · 04/12/2023 13:58

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:21

yes these are my fears. Ring doorbell means i would know if anyone came in the house. and they would be allowed to use toaster and air fryer but not the oven

I wouldn't.

It is simply not logical to me that they are not old enough to use an oven or answer a door but are old enough to be left home alone overnight for nearly 1/2 the week/month/year. Too high a risk for me.

margegunderson · 04/12/2023 13:58

Honestly I think it's fine - the eldest is almost 16! Kids don't take responsibility if you don't trust them.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:59

NoTouch · 04/12/2023 13:58

I wouldn't.

It is simply not logical to me that they are not old enough to use an oven or answer a door but are old enough to be left home alone overnight for nearly 1/2 the week/month/year. Too high a risk for me.

Show quote history

i understand.
they do use the oven/grill/iron/gas hob other times
im just talking limiting any risks

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 14:01

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 04/12/2023 13:54

I'd do this if your daughters are ok with it. They sound sensible. Is the 9 year old going to be with his dad? To be honest I'd be more worried about your daughters having a quarrel with their father and leaving his house in the middle of the night.

yes the 9yo is more than happy to stay with dad

(untill hes old enough to be on the recieving end of his moddiness)

OP posts:
ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 14:03

My dc aged 16 is generally ok in the house on their own and enjoys making something simple to eat. The other day they put an empty pan on a hot plate and left it and also put a tea towel on a hot hob without seeing the risk! Fortunately I was in the kitchen but what if they had made something then gone upstairs and left it? It made me think I trust them too much sometimes.

NoTouch · 04/12/2023 15:18

PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 13:59

i understand.
they do use the oven/grill/iron/gas hob other times
im just talking limiting any risks

Show quote history

What I mean is if they are not considered capable/mature enough to use an oven/grill/iron/gas independently without supervision they are not capable enough to be at home overnight unsupervised nearly 1/2 the week.

Something else to consider, them being home alone will not stay a "secret" for long - and it shouldn't be a "secret" they need to keep if you honestly think it is the right thing to do.

They'll tell their friends, friends will tell their friends and/or tell parents, they might tell teachers - before you know it LOTS of people, that you don't know, are going to know there are two school children/girls home alone very regularly in your house. Not a position I would put my kids in.

Original poster
PurpleReindeer1 · 04/12/2023 15:45

No touch
That is a VERY good point that I hadn't considered! Yes that's actually a really horrible thought. Thank you for this, on just this point alone I think I'm going to just tell them they need to be at their dads short term and see if I can go onto days in the new year

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 04/12/2023 16:18

Yes notouch has it. As much as they will be fine as soon as the whole school knows they won't be able to stop it going on fb and everyone will descend on your house. A party is the least of your worries. So I would discuss with them and I'm sure they'll say this is a potential problem and decide to stay at dads.