Teens alone overnight instead of at dads

[PurpleReindeer1]

long story short, my husband and I split up in September. I had previously been a SAHM but cant afford to anymore. He agreed to have them (dd15, dd14 and ds9) overnight 3 nights a week so I have thankfully found a great job working those 3 night shifts. I started this week (only done 1 shift but love it)

a couple of days ago, dds and their dad had an argument, they said he locked them out, he swears he didnt, whatever, they came home (lives a few minites away walking)

However, the next day they got in his car with him and his mum and he started having a go at them saying they called him a liar and petty and they need to grow up (i believed them for what its worth, he has form for being petty)
his mum (kids nanna) said calm down, mistakes happen
and he said yeah fucking three of them.

so obviously dds were upset by this ( though it isnt the first thing hes said similar to this when hes in a mood - hence splitting up) and really dont want to go round there any more. Ive always encouraged a relationship and was always the mediator when he lived with us. but I feel at their age they should be able to have a say, and quite frankly, the way he spoke about them (and their brother who had nothing to do with this!) is disgusting.

Problem is, if they dont go to his there is no one else for them to stay with overnight, and i cant change to days on this new job, so my options are

a) insist they stay at their dads (i would rather avoid this, i dont think this will benefit them or their relationship in the long run)
b) find another job (easier said than done i was looking for 2 months for this and as well as leting them down, it really is a lovely job and the pay is decent for the industry)
c) let the girls stay home alone while im out (7.30pm-8.30am) there are no laws I can find that say they arent allowed however lots of guidance to suggest they should not be left overnight under 16.

DD15 is 16 in 5 months, dd14 has only just turned 14.
They have phones, ring doorbell, comfortable with being home alone in the day / evening and we have a (very barky) dog, I just feel its irresponsible.
Their dad is also, as said above, a few minutes away on foot in an emergency and I am working 5-10 minutes drive away

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

They need to go to their dads on nights you are working.

Your ex is sabotaging this.

They might prefer not to go to their dads but that's tough really, this is the reality of your job.

Stop making it complicated for yourself

I think this is way too young for that responsibility. He is probably trying to sabotage your job. He knows you need him to do this so is being a prick.
I wouldn’t do this, particularly as you don’t have constant access to your phone. It’s a no from me.

This.

Your daughters need to understand that you need this job and by them refusing to go to their dad’s house then it means you’ll have to give up that job - and then spell out to them exactly what the repercussions of that outcome will be.

if they are considered to be mature enough to stay alone at night then they should be mature enough to understand the importance of why you need to work and that you all have to work together as a team to enable that to happen…..and their role in the team is to sleep at their dad’s house so you can keep your job.

At the end of the day all they are doing is sleeping there, they don’t even have to interact with him or spend hours in his company.

A previous poster suggested that although they still go to their dads they could just go later and I think this is probably the best compromise. Tell your daughters they don’t have to go to his until 9.30pm then they can go straight up to their room if they so wish but I don’t think they should be allowed to just refuse to go when it means your job will have to be sacrificed.

If they claim to be mature then they should be mature enough to understand that everyone has to pull together to make this situation work. You can’t risk your job and you need to make that clear to your daughters.

If you think they are old enough and mature enough then go for it. My 14 dd is more capable than my husband to lock up at night, pop the pets away and turn the lights off but my 15 ds is forgetful and I'm not sure a few years of supposedly maturing is going to change that.

Forcing them to go to their dads when they are obviously more mature than him is ridiculously. Sounds like you would be creating more stress on a relationship which is already fragile.

At the same time people will let post GCSE kids aged 15/16 go to festivals. I know which would worry me more.

A clear adult talk with them, about you needing this job, about you needing them to support you. Then examine which works better. If they stay at home, because a flare up with their dad is seen as the greater risk, be very clear about the consequences of a breach in trust.

Don’t give up the job. You will need the income and independence in the future. It sounds as if he is sabotaging.

Thank you all I've read everything and it's definitely a lot to think about.

I am going to say they can stay here till 9.30 but then they need to go to sleep at their dads. I will speak to work about changing to day shifts in the new year so that it's not a problem any more.

No I’d give the job up. It’s not really safe to leave them home overnight even when the eldest reaches 16. And the relationship with their dads already broken down. I don’t think it’s possible for you to continue with the new job as you’ll have to prioritise the children’s care.
Can you not do day shift or bank shifts on a casual basis? Or change career to office hours only. Very difficult situation though.

I think that is a good compromise.
Stay at home till 9:30 . Walk to dads with stuff ready for school next day.
This way they will really only be saying hello and getting ready for bed.

Yeah I think this is fine for a mature 15/14yr old.
They will be asleep for the majority of it.
You can prep dinner before you go.
They have no need to use the oven.
I never lock my door at night, as it can’t be opened from the outside without a key

You know at 16 she can move out and raise another human?
If your 16yr old can’t spend a night by herself then you have failed as a parent.

When I was left at home as a teen I was shagging my boyfriend. So I don’t think it’s really acceptable. I wouldn’t leave my young teens at home. Anyway it’s the OPs call, she has to judge whether the risk it manageable.

You really think it's not safe even when the oldest is 16?? I know so many people that moved out at 16 to go to school in a different town/city than they live in, living in flats either alone or sharing with other students their age. They not only manage to cope with nights without parents but study, work part time jobs, and cook and clean for themselves.

I think the same, Natsku. Obviously she knows her children best, but the way young people are treated as silly little kids these days amazes me - I suppose because I remember when you could leave school at 15 and go out to work (14 for my mother and her siblings). It was only earlier this year that the marriage age was raised from 16 to 18!
Give them some responsibility, make them proud to be helping their mum by behaving sensibly.

Have you got a friend that would stay over a couple of nights a week? You could pay them x

But not for nearly half the week, every week?
That is the issue.

Not that it makes a difference really. But it's two days every other week, 3 days the other week so 5 nights out of 14

And it’s not even like they are making their own dinner on those days, you’re not leaving until 7:30. I don’t see my pre-teen or teen after this time anyway.

I didn't turn 18 until after the end of my first year in uni, living 150 miles from my family.

Absurd to think kids the age of the OP's can't manage alone overnight.

What kind of ninnies are people raising these days?

Why are you caving in to the naysayers here?

I think I just worry about doing the wrong thing. If I leave them and something happens I would feel awful, and also could I get in trouble for leaving them? I know there's no hard and fast rule but if it could be seen as neglectful?

My DM had a similar setup to this with me, sister and younger brother. Same sort of hours in the care sector, almost identical ages

I could call if anything went wrong. One time I did as thought there was a ghost in the house and she came home 😂

It was fine, we managed and no dramas happened. Had nice neighbours I could have gone to in an emergency as well

Yes it's care sector :)

Nope, teens left alone regularly are a magnet for trouble. Your two might be sensible, but who else will be round? You need to keep your job, they need to sleep at their Dad's, but if you can get Nanna to back you up?
Their Dad needs to apologise to them too, because if they won't stay at his and you can't keep your job he'll have to pay you maintenance.

The bits about their Dad being a few minutes walk away (in the middle of the night in an emergency) or going round to sleep at their Dads (presumably walking over at night) worries me. Especially if this is likely to be the same time every night; their journey could become quite predicatable.

Also - do you have a chain? If they put it on (which they should do at night) you will be locked out. something to consider