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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding anniversary

77 replies

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:02

This is my first post. I can’t really trust friends not to be indulgent to me. It’s a topic that had been done to death on here.

Yesterday younger son who is 13 was given a lift and forgot his phone. It kept pinging and it was a cousins’ Whatsapp Group; I didn’t know he even had Whatsapp. The chat was discussing a surprise trip they were going to take their grandparents on to celebrate their Golden wedding. They are all sworn to secrecy.
My eldest son who is my husband’s stepson is not included.
I am just so heartbroken. He is 18 .

I haven’t mentioned that I have seen the chat. I don’t know whether to tell my husband.

OP posts:
Muchof · 04/12/2023 13:59

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:19

They are not cruel at all. They are cordial and polite. I doubt they have ever been cruel to anyone in their lives. They are a very sweet devoted couple. They just don’t see him as a grandson/nephew/cousin.
The fact that the grandchildren are doing this proves how nice they are.

I guess this explains it then, regardless of the length of the relationship. I am surprised your younger son has not said anything, he is old enough to say hang on what about X. Is your older son likely to be bothered?

NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 14:04

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:57

My husband has always supported him and treats him the same as our youngest.

I mean this kindly, but that's not the same thing as seeing him as a son. If your in laws are as nice as you say, maybe you should say something. They might not realise that you and your son are hurt. But for them to feel your son is their grandson is unlikely if your husband doesn't feel he's a son.

Lovingitallnow · 04/12/2023 14:05

How are you not supposed to know? Is your 13 year old planning on telling you at any point that he's off with his cousins? Or any of the cousins planning on taking responsibility for him?

I think it's really weird to have had a cousin since you were 9 and not include him, but to include his younger brother who came along when you were 10.

Lovingitallnow · 04/12/2023 14:06

Also strange that they asked the 13 year old to join their WhatsApp but not his older brother.

NeedToChangeName · 04/12/2023 14:08

It's a big ask to expect a 13 year old to stand up to his older cousins, especially if the cousins are funding the trip (is that the case?)

If you know the date of the trip and 18 YO definitely won't be invited, then I'd be tempted to plan something special with 18 YO, so he's not available anyway

I think it can be tough for a step child in a blended family. If your elder child had a positive relationship with his paternal family, then you might not mind so much about this trip. And I guess it's not responsibility of IL's family to compensate for lack of interest from paternal family. But, I can see why you're upset

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2023 14:13

Well someone is going to have to ask you and/or DH… How the hell do they think they’re going to take your underage kid without your permission? That’s kidnapping.

sugarapplelane · 04/12/2023 14:20

I think this is a bit spiteful and am surprised your younger DS hasn’t said anything to you despite the fact that it’s a secret for the Grandparents.

From the timeframes you have given it seems like the cousins have know your eldest almost as long as your youngest so why do they not treat him as a cousin too? Seems strange unless your SIL is behind all this.

There is a time and a place for adults to step in and I think you need to speak to your DH and youngest

Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 14:22

But does your husband refer to him as a son?

Have his parents done things with both your sons, eg sleepovers babysitting over the years etc.

Does your son call them grandparents and treat them as such, eg get them Christmas presents etc.

If everyone treats him as a grandson, and he calls them grandparents then seems unkind to exclude him.

If no one sees or treats him as a grandson then would seem odd for him to be included in this specific event

anunlikelyseahorse · 04/12/2023 14:29

You didn't know your 13 yr has WhatsApp? I'm more concerned about that to be honest😬😂
No, seriously OP talk to your husband, that's a hell of a kick in the teeth to your eldest, it just reinforces the fact he's not a bonafide part of your husbands family, if your husband loves him, then I think he could probably talk to his sister about the situation (obviously not the grandparents as it's a surprise!) also, do you think the grandparents would feel a bit sad if your son wasn't there? Would they interpret that as your eldest not wanting to be there? Ooof I think you definitely need to talk about this one, so many potential can of worms here! Is it possible they've had to limit numbers due to travel and finances rather than because he's a step child? Could your husband offer to drop your 18 yr off at the rendezvous? At 13 you have every right, and actually should be checking your younger sons phone.
See what your husband says.

Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 14:30

I can honestly say that I have never asked my husband whether he sees him as a son. He certainly treats him as one.

His parents said to my husband many years ago that they could totally see why he fell for me but asked him to consider the responsibility of a stepchild. They have never asked to be called grandparents and a subtle distinction has always been made on occasions but in every day life no distinction is made.
My sons are ‘brothers’ but I think quite honestly the youngest hasn’t given him a thought and if he had by some miracle he would just logically think that his brother wasn’t his cousins’ cousin etc. This wouldn’t be malicious in any way.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 04/12/2023 14:33

I think it's mean and it wouldn't be happening in my family.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 14:36

I do wonder whether it's worth separating out this specific event from your general feelings and actually maybe talk to your husband about his relationship with your son.

If your son doesn't refer to , or think of them as grandparents, then clearly this isn't cruel or unkind but a reflection of the real relationship.

NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 14:36

This isn't your youngest's responsibility. I think your husband should speak to his family and say that this is causing hurt.

Seems a bit of a weird thing anyway that no one has spoken to you about the plan anyway given the fact your son is a child?

anunlikelyseahorse · 04/12/2023 14:37

Urgh with your update it looks like the grandparents don't see him as a grandchild. That's really effing harsh. Especially as it sounds like your husband does see him as a son. Okay plan B, organise something really really fun on that date just you, your husband and your eldest and practice a good 😲 face when you 'discover' the date clash!

Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 14:38

And actually I do think that you need to have a calm conversation with your husband.

Explain the facts.

Then say that you hurt that his family don't see your son as part of the family, despite having been in his life for all.his memory.

Then ask your husband what he thinks should happen next.

hairbearbunches · 04/12/2023 14:39

@OurNev I can honestly say that I have never asked my husband whether he sees him as a son. He certainly treats him as one.

You haven't had to do sentence 1 because of sentence 2. You don't need to ask, because you already know.

MrsMarzetti · 04/12/2023 14:40

Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 13:16

So grandchildren are organising something for their grandparents wedding anniversary. That's really thoughtful and lovely.

Your eldest son is not a grandchild of theirs, so of course he wouldn't be involved.

I hope none of your children ever have a blended family.

Muchof · 04/12/2023 14:40

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:56

You see I am not supposed to know anything about this. I think DH’s sister does know as a reference was made to photos on the Whatsapp chat. I don’t want anyone to know I saw the whatsapp.

Well if you don’t want anyone to know you saw the WhatsApp, you leave this, you can’t do anything.

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2023 14:43

Who the hell are they to be contacting your DS about such a thing without discussing it with his parents first?

NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 14:46

Your son has an app with an age limit of 16 without you knowing and he's planning a trip away without your permission. Why would you not say something?! He's 13!

Crunchymum · 04/12/2023 14:47

I didn’t know he even had Whatsapp

Missing the point but how and why didn't you know your 13yo has WhatsApp?

And how would he have been able to go off with an older cousin for a "trip" without you knowing? Where is the trip to and for how long?

With regards to the older son, if there is an 15 year history of a cordial relationship then why would he even expect to be invited? It would throw off the whole dynamic surely? Given he isn't viewed as one of the grandchildren then inviting him would have been more odd than not inviting him.

Of course the fact a 2.5yo wasn't welcomed into the family and treated as one of the grandchildren from the get go is shit - and your DH's family should be ashamed of themselves but you cannot undo this 15 years down the line!!!! This should have been challenged years and year ago.

sugarapplelane · 04/12/2023 14:57

Fraaahnces - your references to “kidnapping” and “who the hell are they….” are a bit extreme.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/12/2023 14:57

Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 14:38

And actually I do think that you need to have a calm conversation with your husband.

Explain the facts.

Then say that you hurt that his family don't see your son as part of the family, despite having been in his life for all.his memory.

Then ask your husband what he thinks should happen next.

I think the ship has sailed on this. It would have been better to have those conversations years ago.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 14:59

@OurNev I don’t think you can put the genie back in the bottle. You now know what’s being organised and who is invited. I think you just have to speak to DH about it. Someone would have to talk to you about your 13 year old going so just say you understand something is being organised without DS1. See what DH says.

Im slightly surprised DH hasn’t done more to integrate DS1 and you into his family. They seem slightly diffident about your relationship which, after all these years, seems odd and a bit remote. I feel DH might need to make it a bit clearer to his parents that you are all his family. They should not divide you up.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 15:04

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2023 14:13

Well someone is going to have to ask you and/or DH… How the hell do they think they’re going to take your underage kid without your permission? That’s kidnapping.

Kidnapping? Jesus Christ. Let's not get hysterical.

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