My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding anniversary

[OurNev]

This is my first post. I can’t really trust friends not to be indulgent to me. It’s a topic that had been done to death on here.

Yesterday younger son who is 13 was given a lift and forgot his phone. It kept pinging and it was a cousins’ Whatsapp Group; I didn’t know he even had Whatsapp. The chat was discussing a surprise trip they were going to take their grandparents on to celebrate their Golden wedding. They are all sworn to secrecy.
My eldest son who is my husband’s stepson is not included.
I am just so heartbroken. He is 18 .

I haven’t mentioned that I have seen the chat. I don’t know whether to tell my husband.

I didn’t know Whatsapp had an age restriction. The only chat on it is this one initiated by the 20 year old.

I have absolutely no idea when my son was going to tell us.

I don’t think for one minute the cousins would think they were doing anything wrong making plans with their cousins.

In terms of safeguarding I have absolutely zero concerns.

There is no financial or space restrictions.

It sounds an absolutely lovely 3 days. The house is owned by mother-in-law and two of her cousins and has been in family for 80 years.

If I wasn’t so upset I would really admire the ingenuity. She asked MiL’s cousin if he remembered the wedding breakfast and on the chat I read there was actually a forwarded message from cousin’s wife outlining the day and even the music. It was warm and witty from a woman of 89. They were married by a cousin who was a bishop and apparently he got MiL’s. name wrong. So the grandkids are going to do a spoof with the wrong name and the middle cousins are then going to play some of the music played at wedding.

While I want to harangue them for what this will make my son feel I am going to bide my time. The event is happening at Easter.

Sorry if I’ve missed this - but are you sure your DS18 isn’t invited? Just that they have the younger one’s number and are a bit closer to him so he’s the one in the chat? And who at 13 needs someone to sort out bringing him? Could it be that DS18 will be invited at some point? Or is it mentioned that he’s not?

There’s nothing wrong with the plans. At 13 he would need to tell you though.

Absolutely not invited. The ‘bloodline’ grandchildren are on the chat and all sworn to secrecy.

So this is being organised by a young granddaughter who possibly doesn't see how cruel this could be? Have I got that right?

I might phone her or arrange to meet with her, thank her for making all the arrangements and taking responsibility for your youngest, then ask her, gently, whether there'd been a decision to exclude your eldest or whether he'd just been excluded by default? I'd be really calm and cordial and not at all finger-waggy, just a concerned adult having a conversation with another adult. She's young, maybe she's a bit thoughtless, perhaps it hasn't occurred to her how mean this might seem. I might remind her that your oldest has known her grandparents since he was two years old and, while not technically a blood relation, can't help but feel closely connected. I would say that if all the cousins have decided not to include him, well, so be it and you and your son would cope with the exclusion and hope they all have a wonderful time. But if it hasn't been a thought-through decision perhaps they could have a chat about it among themselves and perhaps consider whether, as they are all connected for the rest of their lives, it would be kinder to include him? Only you will know whether this is likely to be possible.

I wish you courage and stoicism in dealing with this. It must be horrible to think that somewhere someone has possibly said: 'Let's not invite Adam, he's not one of us.' I can't understand the 'he's not a blood relative so of course he shouldn't be included' people on here. Just because my sister and I share a genetic heritage doesn't mean we have anything in common. Meanwhile I have close and valued relationships with cousins who lie much further out from my immediate family and with friends.

That is so sad for your DS and for you. The reason I love my MiL so much is because she met my DS's when they were 8 and 15 she became the best Nan to them, always treating them equally with her older biological grandchildren. My DC are adults now and my parents are both dead but several times each year they individually drive themselves up to see her. She is over 80 and has poor mobility now but they love her and will take her a bunch of flowers and take her for a cream tea or even just an ice cream. She really loves their visits. She would be lonelier without them in her life.

I think it depends on what your 13 year old is like.

Is he comfortable asking if older brother is invited?

If not, then it's over to your husband. It's easily explained to the chief organiser that as your son is 13 you monitor his WhatsApp for safeguarding reasons (while I assume you will do not you are aware if it).

You have no concerns about your 13yo being involved in planning a 3 day trip on a SM platform you didn't know he uses? Alrighty then!

I am in a blended family and I agree with @Dishwashersaurous.

My half siblings (in my case different mums) grandparents were not my grandparents when they were alive. Neither them nor I ever considered that they were and we had a polite, cordial relationship and nothing more than that. Worked for us. If my half siblings and their cousins had organised something I wouldn’t expect to join in or for them to include me.

This is why the OPs question is difficult to answer, as blended families are all different and what would be offensive in one is completely normal in another

Honestly what is wrong with people? They have known this young man since he was 2 years old? How the fuck does blood and DNA matter more than embracing a child who doesn’t have a paternal family and who wants to belong. I just can’t get my head around excluding a child even subtlety his whole life? The fact that the cousins have done so suggests a precedent has been set by their parents and grandparents.

No one can convince me it’s anything but cruel and disgusting.

@Crunchymum I genuinely have no concerns re: safeguarding. He doesn’t use Whatsapp and is only on that one chat with these cousins. I am sad about my eldest son’s exclusion but have no concerns about younger child’s safety with cousins.

What I don't understand here, is how the older cousins, have had your ds as their cousin for 15 and 1/2 years, and yet they don't consider him to be one of their cousins

I mean, have they not all grown up together - being around at all of each others birthday parties, and other family times ?

It is the cousins I would be asking about why they hadn't included him. It just seems bizarre. In terms of their memories as people in their 20s, surely he is just part of the family and part of the cousin group - they won't remember a time when he wasn't there, would they ?

OP, how does your oldest son view your husband's parents? Are they "Granny and Grandad" to him, does he get them birthday or Christmas presents?
How is his relationship with your parents?

I had step grandparents and by age 10 they were the only sort of grandparents of any type I had! I didn't expect to be quite as close to them as their actual grandkids but we did exchange presents and cards and I visited. So I wouldn't necessarily have expected to take the lead in organising something for them but still would have expected to contribute somehow. If we had been less close, I wouldn't have expected that.

If your DS's relationship with them is much more distant, he may be fine with how things are. It all depends, I think, on the personal relationships in question.

OP I wish I could give you a big hug.
What an awful position to be in.
First things first, fess up and tell your husband everything and then the two of you can go from there. I think it's best your husband speaks to his side of the family.

He should also ask (for future reference) if they expect to be invited to your eldest son's wedding. Might make them think about 'family.'

I really do you hope you can all work this out.

Hugs OP as I can imagine this being a punch in the gut.

However now your son is 18 I think the ship has sailed in him being seen as an equal to bio family. If they couldn’t accept it at 2 years old when he’s practically still a baby then they certainly won’t at 18!

Does your son call them grandma/granddad or by first names? These subtle differences kind of make all the difference.

Has your son ever voiced his feelings around it all and not feeling included?

To be honest I think I’d just leave it. I’d discuss it with DH in a regards to how hurt I feel but wouldn’t act on anything. You can’t change how people perceive their own family. If you pull them up on it and they include him it’ll only be because they’ve been told to and not because it was a natural choice for them. That would taint the occasion a bit I think.

I would be inclined to speak to the "organiser" and ask them why they had excluded your son.. for reasons of space? Costs? and why they have sworn his younger brother to secrecy..
That is so wrong.

If it is a 20 year old cousin organising it (did I read that right?) I would make them admit if the reason is he's a step child and why they think that matters if he's been in the family since he was an unaware two year old... if the reason is cost/ space then its arguable that it would make a real difference.

Also what they think the secrecy is going to do to your son's relationship with his younger brother when he finds out. For that reason alone, it absolutely is your business. I'd ask them what they propose you tell your son when younger and dad head off for a secret trip together.

I wouldn't normally suggest intervening but I think that the organiser, if only 20 may just have been really thoughtless and needs pulling up on this and being shown the other viewpoint in this situation and face the hurt such an exclusive action will cause to your poor son. Its not like the GPs have expressly said they don't want him there. Disgusting.

Don’t attack the 20 year old organiser. DH needs to sort it out. It’s hardly worth a nuclear attack on a 20 year old.

As the regularly excluded step child I would say it's only an issue if you make it.

Until I joined MN it never crossed my mind that step children would be treated the same as bio children, particularly across the previous generation.

That's so sad and very thoughtless of them. Could you tactfully ask your 13 year old about it, perhaps he could suggest adding your older son to the chat?

This is awful and I would speak to your husband about it.

I would also consider taking DS1 on holiday with just you.

And I wouldn’t make any effort for these cousins ever again.

This!! Like my aunt married my uncle when I was tiny so it was irrelevant that one is my mums brother and one is his wife.
im so sorry. They do know they are being a bit shit, since there is all the sworn to secrecy stuff. It wouldn’t have hurt them at all to include him. Maybe Dh can talk to his sister?

I think this is very sad and I feel very sorry for your son 😕 My cousin and her DH have just become step-grandparents and they absolutely adore their new four year old grandchild, and as far as they are concerned she is one of their own... in addition to the eight other GC they already have. I really hope a way can be found to include your son.

So your younger son is just planning on going away for a few days over Easter without your knowledge or consent and there are aunts and other "proper" adults colliding in this?

I'd be telling DS you're booking a holiday for you all over the dates and see how quickly he panics.

Then talk to him about excluding his brother.

Altho, would eldest want to even go?

The grandparents don't see your eldest son as family, therefore their blood grandchildren are excluding him because of this.

It's such a shame, but I assume that the grandparents wouldn't want your eldest son at a family event such as this, so their blood grandchildren are going along with the historical thinking

I personally believe that the grandparents are wrong to think like this. But they won't change now