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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask my colleague not to include me in baby updates

94 replies

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 09:07

Hi
I'm feeling emotional about this one so wanted to run it by you all before I do anything.
DP and I have been trying for a baby without success for 18 months or so now. I'm getting to the stage where I'm struggling and scared it won't happen (I'm 36 next year)
My very lovely colleague is currently om mat leave. She bought her baby in to show us recently and while I'm super happy for her and put on a happy face, I found it really hard and cried all evening when I got home.
She sent an email update to the team which I read this morning with some photos of baby - that set me off crying again (thankfully I'm wfh today)
I wondered if it would be wrong to send her an email saying that I'm really happy for her and don't want her to feel guilty but can she please take me out of update emails for now, and explain my reasons why.
We're quite a close work team and I've known this colleague for a long while so it wouldn't feel inappropriate/oversharing in that sense but I don't want her to feel guilty (which I think she might as she's very sweet and kind)
Thoughts please? I'm aware I'm feeling v emotional and would like a rational view on it.
I am in therapy currently for other stuff bit i am addressing the fertility stuff a bit in sessions too
Thanks x

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 04/12/2023 09:09

Just delete them unread (also, she may not send another - one visit and one email would be the normal amount everywhere I've worked).

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 09:09

You should absolutely do what would make things easier for you in the short to medium term. Best wishes with the baby-making.

WhenLoveIsDone · 04/12/2023 09:10

I know how hard this is but please try not to say anything. Other people who haven't been through it won't get it.

I hope it happens for you. 💐

PerspiringElizabeth · 04/12/2023 09:11

I reckon that’s fine. She’ll probably be mortified and apologetic. Or I’d hope so. Have never heard of updating the office on your baby’s development before! 😵‍💫

ChiIIieP · 04/12/2023 09:11

In this situation I think I'd just not open the email. But do whatever is best for you. She will feel guilty of course she will, but I am sure she will understand why you've asked.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 04/12/2023 09:11

I think if you are in a friendly environment and you've know this lady long enough - then absolutely then you could ask to be removed form her distribution list.
Alternatively - you can set up a rule on your email account so any emails received form her either go straight to another folder and you can ignore them more easily.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2023 09:13

Just delete them.

bananaboats · 04/12/2023 09:15

I would just delete them too no need to say anything and make her feel bad.

ExpressionSession · 04/12/2023 09:15

Do up a rule on outlook to send her emails to junk until she returns to work. I absolutely understand where you are coming from but it might be easier handling it yourself rather than having such a difficult conversation with her.

Catandsquirrel · 04/12/2023 09:16

I fully understand you but would suggest deleting any further messages without opening in the first instance.

Then if they become more regular consider asking her to leave you out. She probably won't send that many more now she's done the initial round.

I just think people don't always understand these things and there's no point risking bad feeling at work if you can manage it yourself.

PastelHouses · 04/12/2023 09:17

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 04/12/2023 09:19

I think that would probably be fine. But I'd maybe wait and see if she sends another - do you think that's likely? Multiple baby update emails would be weird where I work, but of course culture varies office to office.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 04/12/2023 09:21

I agree with @OlderandwiserMaybe - a rule to direct her emails elsewhere may be the best approach. In my experience, whilst tackling this straightforwardly but tactfully is something you should be able to do, it often leads to workplace issues and can end up isolating you even more.

I had two colleagues who did 'work blogs' every week of their pregnancies as part of a work IWD campaign - I just deleted them every Monday. I did point out that a mass-email of such a blog could cause upset to other women, but all I got was a load of aggro so I gave up and worked out how to do email rule directions.

I do know of people who've asked their manager for a heads up if a mum and baby are due in the office to do a meet and greet, so that they can elect to be elsewhere in the building for their own mental health. That may not be helpful here as I doubt your colleague will come in again, but could be helpful if others in your team get pregnant in the future.

YANBU though. One of the biggest benefits of wfh for me is that I haven't had to deal with mum and baby office visits! (Also, why do men get to ignore it without comment but if you're a women and you don't immediately spring up gushing, people will judge you?!)

ilovepuppies2019 · 04/12/2023 09:21

PerspiringElizabeth · 04/12/2023 09:11

I reckon that’s fine. She’ll probably be mortified and apologetic. Or I’d hope so. Have never heard of updating the office on your baby’s development before! 😵‍💫

Why would she feel mortified? She hasn't done anything wrong. She sent a nice email with baby updates. This has happened at every workplace I've been in. One or two emails is normally all that will be sent. Given the high incidence of PND, I would hate to think that any woman would feel embarrassed about discussing her baby and seeking friendship at a vulnerable time.

I'm sure they she would understand OP so absolutely explain it but I would personally ser up the email rule as others have suggested. Good luck.

TokyoSushi · 04/12/2023 09:21

This is going to end up being awkward for somebody. I would imagine that these emails are going to be fairly infrequent so I'd probably just delete them.

Noshowlomo · 04/12/2023 09:23

Straight into a folder where you don’t have to read them.
It’s horrible OP. I used to hide when someone bought their baby into work (although I was back after the stillbirth of my daughter and I just couldn’t look at a baby at all) and it seemed one woman was coming in every week. Really pissed me off. I get its horrible. And it’s so odd to send these updates to work colleagues as well!!
Ignore as best as you can xx

Maddy70 · 04/12/2023 09:27

Don't say anything , never steal someone else's joy.

Just delete without reading

hydriotaphia · 04/12/2023 09:28

I agree that deleting without reading is the best approach. There are not likely to be loads more. And the idea about asking a manager to warn you if there will be any further baby visits is a good one.

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2023 09:30

I would also delete without reading OP. My heartfelt sympathies and best wishes to you. 💐

Original poster
Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 09:31

Thanks all for the kind and measured responses - I won't respond other than to say congratulations and will delete any further updates.
We have another colleague on mat leave too at the moment and I've had a chat with my manager who is very supportive and has suggested the colleague come in with baby on a day I'm wfh
Thanks again

OP posts:
Overthebow · 04/12/2023 09:31

I'd just delete too if you don't want to see them. I doubt there will be many emails but it is usual to share some photos occasionally. I hope it works out for you soon.

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 09:31

I think I’d just delete this one.

There’s unlikely to be another but if there is then ask her exclude you then.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 04/12/2023 09:32

PerspiringElizabeth · 04/12/2023 09:11

I reckon that’s fine. She’ll probably be mortified and apologetic. Or I’d hope so. Have never heard of updating the office on your baby’s development before! 😵‍💫

Why on earth should she be 'mortified and apologetic'?!

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2023 09:33

Also, why do men get to ignore it without comment but if you're a women and you don't immediately spring up gushing, people will judge you?!)

So true. As a woman you are automatically expected to coo over babies and want to hold them.

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 09:33

Maddy70 · 04/12/2023 09:27

Don't say anything , never steal someone else's joy.

Just delete without reading

The OP doesn’t want to steal someone else’s joy - that’s why she came here to get opinions.

If you can’t reply nicely on a thread like this, don’t reply