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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask my colleague not to include me in baby updates

94 replies

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 09:07

Hi
I'm feeling emotional about this one so wanted to run it by you all before I do anything.
DP and I have been trying for a baby without success for 18 months or so now. I'm getting to the stage where I'm struggling and scared it won't happen (I'm 36 next year)
My very lovely colleague is currently om mat leave. She bought her baby in to show us recently and while I'm super happy for her and put on a happy face, I found it really hard and cried all evening when I got home.
She sent an email update to the team which I read this morning with some photos of baby - that set me off crying again (thankfully I'm wfh today)
I wondered if it would be wrong to send her an email saying that I'm really happy for her and don't want her to feel guilty but can she please take me out of update emails for now, and explain my reasons why.
We're quite a close work team and I've known this colleague for a long while so it wouldn't feel inappropriate/oversharing in that sense but I don't want her to feel guilty (which I think she might as she's very sweet and kind)
Thoughts please? I'm aware I'm feeling v emotional and would like a rational view on it.
I am in therapy currently for other stuff bit i am addressing the fertility stuff a bit in sessions too
Thanks x

OP posts:
Helenahandkart · 04/12/2023 11:29

I went through many many years of infertility and IVF treatment. During that time all of my friends were having babies, so much so that my Facebook friends were more than 50% either new parents or pregnant, and my newsfeed was like a crèche with constant baby updates and scan photos.
I made a lighthearted joke about it to highlight the difficulties it caused to me and other people in my situation to be bombarded with so many babies all the time. I was instantly unfriended by lots of people and received shitty messages from others.
I learned then that people just don’t get how profoundly distressing it is unless they’ve experienced infertility themselves.
Sadly I think all you can do is block her emails as she is unlikely to be able to adequately empathise with you, and may take offence.
I hope you manage to have your baby. Don’t give up too much of your life in the trying though. Make time for the fun stuff with DH and family and friends because TTC can be all-consuming. Good luck 💐

Original poster
Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 11:29

Screwballs · 04/12/2023 11:27

I don't think I understand the world any more. Delete it and move on, there's no need to make her feel shit about it. She's excited and in a new phase of her life, and I'm sure once you have your own you'll be the same. No one is trying to hurt your feelings and no one should have to tiptoe around them either, you can manage this yourself by creating a rule or just deleting the email and you should. No need to cause a huge drama about it.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel shit or cause drama, that's why I stepped back and asked for advice before reacting.

I am in agreement and don't plan to say anything.

You may be right but you're being unnecessarily rude about it

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2023 11:31

I would just delete them too no need to say anything and make her feel bad.

This.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 04/12/2023 11:54

I second the advice to set up automatic redirection to a different folder. I did this with a colleague who sent 'amusing' emails to the entire company that I felt were inappropriate, but HR did not. Once set up I didn't even know when they were being sent which is much easier than having to delete them.

Tearsofamermaid · 04/12/2023 11:55

Saying this with complete sympathy as I was in the same situation as you before I had DC (three years ttc and then IVF), but it’s best not to say anything as it will make things very awkward with your colleague. Personally I would just delete any emails from her without opening them.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 04/12/2023 11:57

I reckon that’s fine. She’ll probably be mortified and apologetic. Or I’d hope so

You would HOPE someone feels mortified over something she had no knowledge of?

Some people on here are so odd.

Bbq1 · 04/12/2023 12:03

I suggest you don't say anything, Op and just delete the emails unread. I know where you're coming from because we tried to conceive and it took 4 years in the end. Everywhere I looked i seemed to see pg women and it hurts. I really sympathise with you but there's no point in saying anything as her emails will probably tail off now . I know you said she's nice etc but she could react badly to you telling her which would be worse for everyone. I really, really hope it happens for you soon, Op.

frogswimming · 04/12/2023 12:08

I would doubt there'd be another email. Coming in for a lunch and a think you email would be the usual limit. I don't know your office though obviously.

getfreddynow · 04/12/2023 12:11

‘’But my things are for me to carry and not anyone else, unless they are doing it maliciously, which it doesn't sound like she is.’’

i really agree with this.

I do get what you’re saying. And There are blurred boundaries between private and professional spheres already: the baby bump, any adjustments for health, the standard thing of coming in with baby and sending a post birth pic.
So hard for you and others TTC and who’ve lost babies. 💐

as a team manager, we can’t encourage people to just stick to work and other topics that won’t upset people.

sending pics or discussing engagement / wedding can be horrible for those in a traumatic divorce/ history of failed relationships, and talk about siblings /parents can be really sad who’ve lost theirs or who are NC or experienced abuse. I really know this.

The way it seems to work ok , because people want to connect at work, is they share positive stories widely and share the sad stuff privately with trusted friends/family/therapist.
otherwise we’d be like robots and just do work all day.

If the updates are frequent, that’s a line manager issue as it’s not appropriate in the workplace.

I really hope it’s your day sometime soon to share some good news. And that when you do others will keep their personal grief to share with an appropriate audience at a time that lets you enjoy your joy.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 04/12/2023 12:44

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 11:27

Thanks, we've had a few preliminary checks, DPs sperm is fine and my hormone levels are normal. GP saying to wait until we've been trying for two years but I have another appt this Thursday and plan to push for fertility clinic referral.

Edited
Show quote history

I’d really really push for further testing and start looking into other options-please don’t let them fob you off with waiting another 6 months.
I’ve had miscarriages, 5 rounds of ivf and no baby and had we not pushed we would’ve been kept waiting to see if I got pregnant within 2 years. We don’t yet have a child and are now on a journey of different options but please advocate for yourself. If you would consider ivf, I would start researching clinics and consultants-some near us have a 4 month wait list for the best consultants just for the initial meeting 😮

I agree with other posters, just delete the emails. It’s so difficult, you start feeling surrounded by pregnancy and birth announcements but they never stop! Therapy is great, along with still being nice to yourself as much as poss-my go to is massages and facials to remind myself to just enjoy the present while I’m in the beauty room!

Hardbackwriter · 04/12/2023 12:53

SquashPenguin · 04/12/2023 11:14

This is a very good point. I always promised myself if I got pregnant I’d never share it on social media or the like. I couldn’t live with myself if I caused someone the same level of upset I experienced from seeing scans and bump updates on Facebook. And true to my word, now I’m pregnant I haven’t blabbed to the world or put anything on social media. It baffles me why anyone beyond my close circle would care anyway!

Show quote history

I tried really hard to be mindful when pregnant too, and think I was. I will say that although I still try now I have two young children, I do find that they're such a huge part of my life, and were so all-consuming as babies, that I find it hard not to sometimes talk about them 'too much', even though I try not to. While infertility (well, in my case recurrent miscarriage) definitely gave me an insight into how hurtful it can be, I do also now have an insight into why people find it hard when they feel others won't let them 'have their joy' - or indeed why they just want company and discussion through the upheaval - in a way I didn't before.

Aprilx · 04/12/2023 12:54

I say this as a childless not through choice 50-something year old. Don’t say anything. It will only make her feel bad, people will probably notice (and she is likely to mention it to others) and then they will all be tiptoeing around you, which I am sure will not help. Don’t read any future emails instead.

Other people are going to have children around you and it can be painful, but I do think it is something that you need to try to outwardly put on a brave face about.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 04/12/2023 13:03

YANBU - nothing worse than smug new parents spamming you with their baby updates when you are going through infertility troubles. New parenthood seems to lead to grade A self-absorption for some when you aren’t in the club. I’d definitely say something. A good empathetic friend would understand.

MagpiePi · 04/12/2023 13:10

Wednesdaysotherchild · 04/12/2023 13:03

YANBU - nothing worse than smug new parents spamming you with their baby updates when you are going through infertility troubles. New parenthood seems to lead to grade A self-absorption for some when you aren’t in the club. I’d definitely say something. A good empathetic friend would understand.

Edited

Wow!
You could say the same about the self-absorption of women dealing with infertility and nobody being allowed to mention pregnancy, babies or children. Most people are trying to get through life without being deliberately nasty and upsetting those around them, hence the OP’s question.

Luckylady88 · 04/12/2023 13:10

So sorry you are going through this and best of luck ttc. I personally wouldn’t say anything. As hard as it is babies are everywhere. When she returns will she not be allowed to discuss her baby in front of you? I agree it’s shit but (kindly) you need to find a way to cope with babies being seen and mentioned. I hope it won’t be long till you are proudly bringing your own baby into work xx

Wednesdaysotherchild · 04/12/2023 13:16

MagpiePi · 04/12/2023 13:10

Wow!
You could say the same about the self-absorption of women dealing with infertility and nobody being allowed to mention pregnancy, babies or children. Most people are trying to get through life without being deliberately nasty and upsetting those around them, hence the OP’s question.

Show quote history

Come back to me when you’ve lost 15 pregnancies! Until then, you have no sodding idea.

I’ll be however I need to be to preserve my sanity! And thankfully, I am surrounded by kind compassionate people who understand, not self-absorbed a-holes.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2023 13:22

So sorry you're having difficulties and completely understandable that you don't want to read her emails about her baby.

I'd actually just set up a rule on my own mailbox that if a message comes in from Maternity Leave colleague and contains "baby name" or "Baby" or whatever criteria you want, just delete it.

You don't need to explain yourself to her or mention your personal situation to anyone in work if you don't want to and this would achieve the same goal but keep it entirely your business.

Screwballs · 04/12/2023 13:30

This reply has been deleted

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Screwballs · 04/12/2023 13:38

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 11:29

I'm not trying to make anyone feel shit or cause drama, that's why I stepped back and asked for advice before reacting.

I am in agreement and don't plan to say anything.

You may be right but you're being unnecessarily rude about it

Show quote history

I disagree, being straight to the point isn't rude. I don't need to tiptoe around you anymore than anyone else needs to tiptoe around mine. I have struggled myself, lost babies myself, I've cried when I've heard people's pregnancy news, but I've never once considered telling them to keep schtum on it.

You need to look after you, that's fine, you can do so without making it her problem. That is the right decision.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 04/12/2023 13:51

@Screwballs There are many people (men and women) on this site who are childfree by choice, childless not by choice, who are ttc and who are dealing with miscarriages, infertility, stillbirths and chronic health issues which may mean ttc is an impossibility for them. We even have our own boards!!

On their behalf, I say try being compassionate for once. Your privileged experience is not everyone’s experience.

RadRad · 04/12/2023 13:53

I sympathise with you OP, and I wish you all the best but if you say something where does it end as what happens when your colleagues are back to work - are they not supposed to ever talk or mention their children at all ? Just delete the emails and don't read them. I hope you share the same joy with people soon xx

momonpurpose · 04/12/2023 13:56

I would delete unopened. I'm afraid if you draw attention to it it will cause hurt feelings, gossip and awkwardness. Sendingvyouva big hug. I know it's hard.

LlynTegid · 04/12/2023 14:06

Glad to read of the supportive manager and sorry for all you are going through.

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2023 14:12

Frankly it seems inappropriate to be sending work emails about your baby.

You never know who is struggling from loss or infertility plus lots of people frankly just don't care. It seems a very 'personal life' thing to be emailing to colleagues at work.

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2023 14:13

WhenLoveIsDone · 04/12/2023 09:10

I know how hard this is but please try not to say anything. Other people who haven't been through it won't get it.

I hope it happens for you. 💐

I agree with that.

Op, you don't have to read the emails or respond. She is not going to expect a reply from everyone and soon will stop sending the updates.

I must say I don't get why people do that anyway except maybe to grandparents.