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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask my colleague not to include me in baby updates

94 replies

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 09:07

Hi
I'm feeling emotional about this one so wanted to run it by you all before I do anything.
DP and I have been trying for a baby without success for 18 months or so now. I'm getting to the stage where I'm struggling and scared it won't happen (I'm 36 next year)
My very lovely colleague is currently om mat leave. She bought her baby in to show us recently and while I'm super happy for her and put on a happy face, I found it really hard and cried all evening when I got home.
She sent an email update to the team which I read this morning with some photos of baby - that set me off crying again (thankfully I'm wfh today)
I wondered if it would be wrong to send her an email saying that I'm really happy for her and don't want her to feel guilty but can she please take me out of update emails for now, and explain my reasons why.
We're quite a close work team and I've known this colleague for a long while so it wouldn't feel inappropriate/oversharing in that sense but I don't want her to feel guilty (which I think she might as she's very sweet and kind)
Thoughts please? I'm aware I'm feeling v emotional and would like a rational view on it.
I am in therapy currently for other stuff bit i am addressing the fertility stuff a bit in sessions too
Thanks x

OP posts:
All2Well · 04/12/2023 09:43

I'm nearly 40 and in a similar boat but further down the line, at your age I was suicidal because all I wanted was to be a mum and I realised it looked like it wasn't going to happen and everyone was pregnant except me. I had to avoid Baby Showers, Christenings etc for about 2 years and I'm sure this would have set me off as it has with you. There's nothing wrong with how you feel and it's important to protect yourself where you can.

BUT

Saying something to her isn't the way forward. Just delete the emails without opening.

She most likely won't bring the baby into work again, BUT if she does maybe it's worth chatting with your line manager about your struggles and ask if there is something else you could do outside of the office on days the baby comes in that would mean you could avoid the situation repeating itself. If your colleague then says "oh it's such a shame you didn't see baby as you weren't in" you could then gently say, "It might be for the best that I wasn't in, I find being around babies very difficult at the moment due to my own personal circumstances. He is beautiful though and I'm sure everyone loved getting a cuddle!" then quickly move on. Whatever you do try not to hurt her feelings as she's done nothing wrong. And you have your future relationships at work to think of!

Best of luck for TTC, there's still time for you. I was a late surprise for my mother and I also have a few friends who'd been TTC for many years with no luck and went on to have a couple of children (conceived naturally) when they were older than you.

Werewolfnotswearwolf · 04/12/2023 09:46

I asked IT to put a temporary block on words like baby when I was in a similar situation after losses and lots of IVF. It’s so hard to be absolutely knocked off your feet unexpectedly at work. I really feel for you - it was the worst x

fitzwilliamdarcy · 04/12/2023 09:54

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2023 09:33

Also, why do men get to ignore it without comment but if you're a women and you don't immediately spring up gushing, people will judge you?!)

So true. As a woman you are automatically expected to coo over babies and want to hold them.

I've heard "oooh fitz, did you not want a baby cuddle?!" more times than I can count. And I've always got up and participated in the chat at least. Nobody has ever asked Michael or Andrew (fictional obv) if he feels he's missed out by not even getting up from his seat.

It really annoys me, clearly!

Maddy70 · 04/12/2023 10:08

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 09:33

The OP doesn’t want to steal someone else’s joy - that’s why she came here to get opinions.

If you can’t reply nicely on a thread like this, don’t reply

Show quote history

How is this nasty ? She asked for opinions. This is mine. ...I have also been through this

There is nothing worse than someone making another feel awkward about something they're happy about

Pollenandbloom · 04/12/2023 10:10

I would set up an auto-redirect/deletion for the emails and let that take care of them for you, definitely don't suffer on having to see them pop up.
Personally I wouldn't ask her directly as we never know what's really going on for someone - in my case I shared baby photos occasionally with a colleague because my family weren't interested and I was feeling very isolated (appreciate that's a bit different as it wasn't a group email and she'd directly encouraged me to share them, but it was still a bit of a lifeline on bad days)

SquashPenguin · 04/12/2023 10:11

It’s so hard, people just don’t think. My employer actually became really sympathetic, and baby announcements by email were stopped altogether after it became apparent just how many employees were struggling with infertility. I left the work WhatsApp group chat as well, one colleague and close friend very quickly forgot all the pain and heartache after her first cycle worked, and posted endless photos, despite knowing there were others having repeated ivf failure over and over again. Very insensitive, but I just deleted the chat and she got the point.

I really feel for you, it’s a horrible feeling when this stuff is thrust upon you x

mindutopia · 04/12/2023 10:12

I think you just delete the emails. I lost a baby and had a friend with a due date around the same time as my due date would have been. I wished her well and send her congratulations and just skimmed over social media updates as needed. It was still her joy, even though I had some sadness about it (she had no idea about my loss as I didn't share publicly that I'd even been pregnant). But my things are for me to carry and not anyone else, unless they are doing it maliciously, which it doesn't sound like she is.

Pollenandbloom · 04/12/2023 10:14

*Sorry OP, just spotted your latest post after I'd responded

Nofilteritwonthelp · 04/12/2023 10:22

You could just set a rule so her emails go into your junk

Daisies12 · 04/12/2023 10:23

If it's just one email update, I wouldn't say anything. Just delete. And if she visits again with baby (or someone else does) can you WFH that day, or take your lunch break and go out then. I say this as someone who has struggled massively after a recent MC - babies won't stop coming, and you have to accept that. Just do what you need to do to protect yourself. Those people aren't having babies to spite you.

sweetpickle23 · 04/12/2023 10:25

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'd have no issues receiving this email from you and would happily keep you out of future updates rather than upsetting you.

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 10:27

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2023 09:33

Also, why do men get to ignore it without comment but if you're a women and you don't immediately spring up gushing, people will judge you?!)

So true. As a woman you are automatically expected to coo over babies and want to hold them.

i have always been extremely clear that i am happy for people when they have babies, and if they bring them in etc, but that the only children i am remotely interested are related to me. I have never cooed over a baby, in or out of the workplace, and i've never been criticised for it.

Don't play into gender stereotypes and you don't get pushed into them.

For OP: it is hard, but other things that seem routine to you may be hard for other people and they learn to cope. So, in your shoes I'd just redirect the mails and absent myself if a visit happens.

Good luck with TTC.

SallyWD · 04/12/2023 10:29

You poor thing. I hope it happens for you.
To be honest, I wouldn't say anything because I think she'll feel bad. It could create an awkwardness. I can imagine a scenario when she returns to work where someone asks her about the baby and she feels guilty for talking about it in front of you. Maybe others will feel they shouldn't mention their children.
I'd just not read the emails.

ACynicalDad · 04/12/2023 10:37

I get the pain, but one visit and one email might be it. I guess you might get one in Jan, but quite possibly not and maybe you avoid either of you feeling awkward. I'd wait for the next one, if you can see from the subject what it is delete it. If she sends another quickly after that then maybe raise it then.

ActDottie · 04/12/2023 10:38

I’d just delete the emails. I doubt she’s going to send many more emails now that she’s bought baby into the office. From my experience it normally stops after that.

WorryWorryWort · 04/12/2023 10:39

I truly do sympathise with what you are going through and wish I could take your pain away, however I also do also think it would be unreasonable of anyone to restrict completely normal and common topics of conversation/communication in the workplace due to something they are personally going through whether it is infertility, bereavement, trauma or something else. What happens when she returns from maternity leave and is talking about her baby in office?

It is something you have to work out coping tactics for, whether that is avoiding/deleting her emails, leaving the room if you are not coping, have a safe space in work where you can let off steam/compose yourself/cry if you need to, but you cannot enforce a veto on baby emails/talk. There is a risk you make yourself even more sensitive to any difficult trigger words/conversations if you avoid them completely. Let your line manager know you are going through a very difficult time and let them know how you plan to cope/protect yourself (so they know to keep an eye on you/know where you will be if if you need to step out of the office), they might also have suggestions on how they could support you. Our company has their own "talk to" service that we can use and for something this impacting we would get a referral to free counselling.

All the best for the future.

thetworonnies · 04/12/2023 10:43

Can you filter emails from your colleague that mention certain words (baby's name?) to go into a seperate folder?

Hope things work out for you.

NeedToChangeName · 04/12/2023 10:51

I feel for you, I really do

And have had times that I've cried at night about how my life didn't turn out as I hoped / expected

But, I think we sometimes do have to put on a fake happy smile and allow other people their moment in the sun

Anywherebuthere · 04/12/2023 10:52

Your colleague sounds like a lovely person. Hopefully she will understand and take it in the right way.

If she doesnt, then she's not that lovely and theres nothing for you to be worrying about.

Anycrispsleft · 04/12/2023 10:56

I think you've made the right decision to delete the emails and probably you are on this already but if you have been trying for 18m with no luck and you're 36, you should start looking at investigations. I don't know whether the NHS will look at you (it used to be 12m but that's a while ago, my kids are nearly 12) but private fertility testing is about 1000 pounds, they will test various hormones and check your ovarian reserve and do a sperm motility test for your DH. At least then if there is a problem you can think what you want to do. I really hope it all works out for you OP.

mummymeister · 04/12/2023 10:59

Infertility is shit. it really really is. I have been in your shoes. everywhere and everyone was either pregnant, delivering or had babies. It was awful. but its also unavoidable I am afraid and the sooner you develop your own coping strategies the better. just dont read the emails or open them but dont say anything. please dont rain on their parade. Also, I really hope it happens for you but when it does, re read what you have written and be mindful that others will also be in your shoes. I also found it helpful to think of lots of what ifs and make plans for if we didnt manage to fall pregnant because its so important not to put all your eggs in one basket.

SquashPenguin · 04/12/2023 11:14

mummymeister · 04/12/2023 10:59

Infertility is shit. it really really is. I have been in your shoes. everywhere and everyone was either pregnant, delivering or had babies. It was awful. but its also unavoidable I am afraid and the sooner you develop your own coping strategies the better. just dont read the emails or open them but dont say anything. please dont rain on their parade. Also, I really hope it happens for you but when it does, re read what you have written and be mindful that others will also be in your shoes. I also found it helpful to think of lots of what ifs and make plans for if we didnt manage to fall pregnant because its so important not to put all your eggs in one basket.

This is a very good point. I always promised myself if I got pregnant I’d never share it on social media or the like. I couldn’t live with myself if I caused someone the same level of upset I experienced from seeing scans and bump updates on Facebook. And true to my word, now I’m pregnant I haven’t blabbed to the world or put anything on social media. It baffles me why anyone beyond my close circle would care anyway!

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 04/12/2023 11:25

I know you're hurting but there's no need to make her feel bad when she's not doing anything wrong.

Just don't open the emails. It doesn't even sound like she's bombarding the team with daily updates. It's only been one visit and one email. That's totally reasonable if your team is quite close.

Screwballs · 04/12/2023 11:27

I don't think I understand the world any more. Delete it and move on, there's no need to make her feel shit about it. She's excited and in a new phase of her life, and I'm sure once you have your own you'll be the same. No one is trying to hurt your feelings and no one should have to tiptoe around them either, you can manage this yourself by creating a rule or just deleting the email and you should. No need to cause a huge drama about it.

Original poster
Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 11:27

Anycrispsleft · 04/12/2023 10:56

I think you've made the right decision to delete the emails and probably you are on this already but if you have been trying for 18m with no luck and you're 36, you should start looking at investigations. I don't know whether the NHS will look at you (it used to be 12m but that's a while ago, my kids are nearly 12) but private fertility testing is about 1000 pounds, they will test various hormones and check your ovarian reserve and do a sperm motility test for your DH. At least then if there is a problem you can think what you want to do. I really hope it all works out for you OP.

Thanks, we've had a few preliminary checks, DPs sperm is fine and my hormone levels are normal. GP saying to wait until we've been trying for two years but I have another appt this Thursday and plan to push for fertility clinic referral.

OP posts: