Page 4 | WIBU to ask my colleague not to include me in baby updates

Allelbowsandtoes · 2023-12-04T09:07:35+00:00

Hi I'm feeling emotional about this one so wanted to run it by you all before I do anything. DP and I have been trying for a baby without success for 18 months or so now. I'm getting to the stage where I'm struggling and scared it won't happen (I'm 36 next year) My very lovely colleague is currently om mat leave. She bought her baby in to show us recently and while I'm super happy for her and put on a happy face, I found it really hard and cried all evening when I got home. She sent an email update to the team which I read this morning with some photos of baby - that set me off crying again (thankfully I'm wfh today) I wondered if it would be wrong to send her an email saying that I'm really happy for her and don't want her to feel guilty but can she please take me out of update emails for now, and explain my reasons why. We're quite a close work team and I've known this colleague for a long while so it wouldn't feel inappropriate/oversharing in that sense but I don't want her to feel guilty (which I think she might as she's very sweet and kind) Thoughts please? I'm aware I'm feeling v emotional and would like a rational view on it. I am in therapy currently for other stuff bit i am addressing the fertility stuff a bit in sessions too Thanks x

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2023 14:15

Screwballs · 04/12/2023 13:38

I disagree, being straight to the point isn't rude. I don't need to tiptoe around you anymore than anyone else needs to tiptoe around mine. I have struggled myself, lost babies myself, I've cried when I've heard people's pregnancy news, but I've never once considered telling them to keep schtum on it.

You need to look after you, that's fine, you can do so without making it her problem. That is the right decision.

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On what planet are you entitled to force your private life on your colleagues.

Be excited all you want but its inappropriate. Your excitement does not allow you to cross boundaries and force your life onto others.

Tandora · 04/12/2023 14:24

Screwballs · 04/12/2023 11:27

I don't think I understand the world any more. Delete it and move on, there's no need to make her feel shit about it. She's excited and in a new phase of her life, and I'm sure once you have your own you'll be the same. No one is trying to hurt your feelings and no one should have to tiptoe around them either, you can manage this yourself by creating a rule or just deleting the email and you should. No need to cause a huge drama about it.

Your message is so tone deaf.

OP’s feelings are so common / normal/ natural / understandable. It’s how SO many women going through infertility feel, and it takes very little imagination to understand why.

Infertility is one of the most devastating and painful things a person can experience.

Why shouldn’t OP be allowed to express and have her feelings acknowledged - In exactly the same way that OP’s colleague wants to express and have her joy acknowledged? People shouldn’t be forced to be silent about perfectly normal, human emotions , just because they are negative.

I hate this narrative that women experiencing infertility have to be quiet about their envy and grief, and instead have to pretend they are “happy” for others , when what they truly feel is a profound sense of unfairness, loneliness, pain and grief.

OP, you don’t have to be “happy” for your colleague, you can just focus on being sad for yourself. I agree with others, however , that the best thing is to just delete the emails or have them re-directed to junk. The fact is that most people don’t understand/ lack empathy for women going through infertility, and confronting the issue is more likely than not to cause bad feeling and awkwardness, which ultimately won’t be great for you. It’s less likely that through directly addressing the issue you will receive the understanding and acknowledgement you are seeking.

Sending love and best of luck ttc xx

DyslexicPoster · 04/12/2023 14:30

I'd just delete without reading. I've had secondary infertility and PND. If there's a easy way to make everyone a winner do that.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 04/12/2023 14:34

I'd just delete it. She won't be sending anymore will she? I'd find it odd to send work updates on my personal life. She should set up a WhatsApp group with any work friends that are interested in keeping in touch while she's on maternity leave.

Notsurewhatnext · 04/12/2023 14:34

I would just delete them and leave it at that. Sorry this is so hard for you.

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2023 16:09

Tandora · 04/12/2023 14:24

Your message is so tone deaf.

OP’s feelings are so common / normal/ natural / understandable. It’s how SO many women going through infertility feel, and it takes very little imagination to understand why.

Infertility is one of the most devastating and painful things a person can experience.

Why shouldn’t OP be allowed to express and have her feelings acknowledged - In exactly the same way that OP’s colleague wants to express and have her joy acknowledged? People shouldn’t be forced to be silent about perfectly normal, human emotions , just because they are negative.

I hate this narrative that women experiencing infertility have to be quiet about their envy and grief, and instead have to pretend they are “happy” for others , when what they truly feel is a profound sense of unfairness, loneliness, pain and grief.

OP, you don’t have to be “happy” for your colleague, you can just focus on being sad for yourself. I agree with others, however , that the best thing is to just delete the emails or have them re-directed to junk. The fact is that most people don’t understand/ lack empathy for women going through infertility, and confronting the issue is more likely than not to cause bad feeling and awkwardness, which ultimately won’t be great for you. It’s less likely that through directly addressing the issue you will receive the understanding and acknowledgement you are seeking.

Sending love and best of luck ttc xx

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Yes

People need to remember the woman 'excited' to be pregnant is the privileged one in the situation not the vulnerable one.

The privileged people who are not struggling should not hurt those that are not as lucky as them.

People always jump to justify it as well with 'I was infertile/I had a miscarriage in the past so I am allowed to be 'excited'' but regardless of their past they are still now lucky to be the privileged one.

Just because someone may have struggled once doesn't mean they can hurt those the left behind when they moved passed that.

Having worked with charities for both loss and infertility over my decade+ journey I would say I have never come across someone IRL who magically 'forgot' the pain and used it as justification to be ignorant to others. In fact most are VERY aware of others struggles to a heightened level and very respectful/understanding. The 'I went through it so...' is very much only something you see on forums as justification for narcissistic behavior.

Roselilly36 · 04/12/2023 16:39

Aww I can understand how upsetting that must be, but if I was in your position, I would just delete the emails. Hoping you have some good news soon OP

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 16:43

Don't do it. When it's your turn you'll expect to do the same as your colleague. Or will you hide away and not tell anyone.

WhenLoveIsDone · 04/12/2023 17:04

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 16:43

Don't do it. When it's your turn you'll expect to do the same as your colleague. Or will you hide away and not tell anyone.

It doesn't follow at all that someone who has struggled to get or remain pregnant will then be totally insensitive themselves.

Most of us who have endured that particular hell never forget what it's like.

If I ever did manage to get pregnant again and I don't actually hope for that anymore the last thing I would be doing would be plastering it on Facebook or emailing my best friend (whose last baby was stillborn this summer) the scan pictures.

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2023 17:24

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 16:43

Don't do it. When it's your turn you'll expect to do the same as your colleague. Or will you hide away and not tell anyone.

I went through a decade long infertility struggle, loss and IVF and was very lucky to end up with three children in the end.

I have NEVER done that, honestly it never even crossed my mind to ram my pregnancy down peoples throats. I don't think in all my years of parenting I ever emailed photos of my kid to anyone let alone workmates.

Its frankly quite weird to assume anyone else at your office would even care regardless of if you 'didn't realise' how insensitive it can be (because to give the benefit of the doubt I believe most don't MEAN to be hurtful its just accidental ignorance/lack of experience).

Screwballs · 04/12/2023 17:36

Tandora · 04/12/2023 14:24

Your message is so tone deaf.

OP’s feelings are so common / normal/ natural / understandable. It’s how SO many women going through infertility feel, and it takes very little imagination to understand why.

Infertility is one of the most devastating and painful things a person can experience.

Why shouldn’t OP be allowed to express and have her feelings acknowledged - In exactly the same way that OP’s colleague wants to express and have her joy acknowledged? People shouldn’t be forced to be silent about perfectly normal, human emotions , just because they are negative.

I hate this narrative that women experiencing infertility have to be quiet about their envy and grief, and instead have to pretend they are “happy” for others , when what they truly feel is a profound sense of unfairness, loneliness, pain and grief.

OP, you don’t have to be “happy” for your colleague, you can just focus on being sad for yourself. I agree with others, however , that the best thing is to just delete the emails or have them re-directed to junk. The fact is that most people don’t understand/ lack empathy for women going through infertility, and confronting the issue is more likely than not to cause bad feeling and awkwardness, which ultimately won’t be great for you. It’s less likely that through directly addressing the issue you will receive the understanding and acknowledgement you are seeking.

Sending love and best of luck ttc xx

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TheProvincialLady · 04/12/2023 17:58

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 09:31

Thanks all for the kind and measured responses - I won't respond other than to say congratulations and will delete any further updates.
We have another colleague on mat leave too at the moment and I've had a chat with my manager who is very supportive and has suggested the colleague come in with baby on a day I'm wfh
Thanks again

Well done OP. That’s a really mature response and I’m glad your line manager is supportive.

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 18:31

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2023 17:24

I went through a decade long infertility struggle, loss and IVF and was very lucky to end up with three children in the end.

I have NEVER done that, honestly it never even crossed my mind to ram my pregnancy down peoples throats. I don't think in all my years of parenting I ever emailed photos of my kid to anyone let alone workmates.

Its frankly quite weird to assume anyone else at your office would even care regardless of if you 'didn't realise' how insensitive it can be (because to give the benefit of the doubt I believe most don't MEAN to be hurtful its just accidental ignorance/lack of experience).

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Oh I don't give a shit about colleagues pregnancies either. It's nothing to me

But I'd imagine the OP will want to parade it.

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2023 18:43

Just delete or send them to spam. What you’re dealing with is hard but imagine if you were to get pregnant and have this beautiful bundle of joy who you wanted to show off and talk to friends about all the cute things they do…. Then someone asked you to stop.

coxesorangepippin · 04/12/2023 18:45

Create a rule in outlook that puts them in a file

SiennaMillar · 04/12/2023 18:48

WhenLoveIsDone · 04/12/2023 09:10

I know how hard this is but please try not to say anything. Other people who haven't been through it won't get it.

I hope it happens for you. 💐

She may well have been through it

Tinkerbyebye · 04/12/2023 18:54

You delete unread rather than make someone else feel uncomfortable

LovedMyLastNameItHadToGo · 04/12/2023 18:56

Don’t open the email. I didn’t do a visit and sent about 2-3 emails over my mat leave. I was bizarrely the only working mum in my office when I went back so I was a bit of a novelty for a while.

however I know some people in the office probably didn’t open my email etc.

Original poster

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/12/2023 19:03

TheProvincialLady · 04/12/2023 17:58

Well done OP. That’s a really mature response and I’m glad your line manager is supportive.

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Thankyou, that's kind 😊

To those who are questioning why my colleague is sending updates - I think its a totally fine thing for her to do, I dont want it to seem like I'm criticising her for that. We're a close team and a lot of us have worked together for years and supported each other through difficult things and celebrated each others happy things.

OP posts: