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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Spending Xmas apart. Is this a thing?

119 replies

Xmasq · 03/12/2023 20:41

Talking about Xmas plans with colleagues the other day and a colleague said she'd never spent Xmas with her husband, they both just go and stay with respective families and have the day there.

They've been married 5 years, no children and are early 30s. Another colleague piped up to say her older sister does a similar thing as she doesn't ever want to miss her family Christmas and so her husband usually goes to his own family most years.

I'd never come across this before, is this a thing? I can understand with blended families or before people are married but I assumed once you were married or very serious you spent day together and maybe alternated between families? Maybe I'm missing something and it's not such a big deal these days?

OP posts:

caringcarer · 03/12/2023 23:41

We always used to spend Xmas day and Boxing day at home on our own then go to visit both families one in Yorkshire and one in Devon between 27th and 31st. Now my parents are both dead and my DC are adults and DH and I will go to DS2 This Xmas day, we went to DS1 last Xmas day. DH and I would always want to spend Xmas day together but each to their own. This year is the first year DS1 will not spend Xmas day with me and DH. He's spending the day with his gf at her sister's. He is coming down next weekend to do fake Xmas with me and DH. My DD, 2 DGS's and both DS's and FS will also be there. We will visit DS 1 on 27th just for the day then drive across to spend a couple of days with MiL before travelling back on the 30th. It's all good, nothing stays the same forever.

kitsuneghost · 03/12/2023 23:48

We've been together 25 years and do separate. We meet up over the fortnight but essentially stay with our own parents.

thinslicedham · 03/12/2023 23:49

Spending the day together is our tradition, but I can see why spending Christmas apart might work well for some. I think having been married for many years has changed my perspective somewhat from how I felt as a newlywed. That and having aging parents.

Toomanyemails · 04/12/2023 00:08

DP and I did this until Covid. Our families are from opposite ends of the UK (7 hour drive plus breaks, public transport options were crap and we didn't have a car), we lived abroad and would generally each see our own families and then do our own Christmas another day. Our families are rural and most of our friends live in London so we'd do London and then family during the trip. No DC but we did this until 7 years into the relationship so pretty serious! Now we do Christmas by ourselves, it's a horrible time to travel

Swansridinghorses · 04/12/2023 00:15

We do. Not married yet but will be next year and together 7 years and living together for 5 of those. We do our own separate Christmas together which can be anytime and then both love our family traditions. He often has the whole week off where I only get a day or two so it’s the time to see family. Not sure why it’s a big deal as such. I’m sure if and when we have children that might change

Nevermind31 · 04/12/2023 00:16

We did this pre-kids.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 04/12/2023 00:17

DH and I have done that most years. We're from different countries AND live abroad from our countries. Christmas is the only time of year when everyone in our families are off work and around. So we have to spend it apart if we want to see our parents, aunties, grandparents etc.

I don't love it. I always really miss DH in the evenings especially.

We're TTC now and if we have a baby next Christmas then we will stop this madness.

NotEvenThought · 04/12/2023 01:25

My 4 adult kids have always come home for Xmas - none have kids but they all have partners they live with. I really wouldn't mind if they didn't come home and they know that but they all say they prefer it and like to hang out with each other and DH and I. Their partners come and join them after or before Xmas but so far, Xmas day has just been dh and me and the kids.

We have a lot of fun and enjoy it. We are very relaxed about xmas.

CurlewKate · 04/12/2023 01:34

Dp and I did this lots of times before children. We alternated New Year. Our children do it too. Both in long term relationships but no children. We assume every Christmas will be the last- but not so far....

Ploctopus · 04/12/2023 06:03

It’s unusual but it does happen. An ex boyfriend of mine had an aunt and uncle who each spent Christmas with their respective families instead of together. I suppose if you can’t find a way to work with one another’s respective traditions and aren’t happy to alternate it’s the most peaceful solution.

It seems very unusual to me because I would always want to be with my husband but it does seem to work for others.

cottonstar · 04/12/2023 07:53

stepintochristmas1 · 03/12/2023 23:28

So do none of you and your spouse never invite your own parents for xmas at your own place ?

I’m lucky if my DP visit once a year, living hours away, never mind at Christmas - it wouldn’t happen!

We alternated for a few years once we had DC, but that wasn’t fun with the distance and young DC (and the lack of space) so we have Christmas at home now, just us, seeing no family over Christmas time. It’s lovely. I’m glad I spent the years pre DC spending Christmas with my family though.

Helloits2023 · 04/12/2023 08:01

The thing I thought was bonkers recently was actually the opposite: young couples in their early twenties who don’t even live together spending Christmas Day together at one set of parents. My cousins have always done this, with school and university boy/girlfriends even. It seems a very relationship-focussed mindset. But is it more common than I thought?

CurlewKate · 04/12/2023 08:13

Interesting that on Mumsnet people who enjoy spending time with their family of origin are "enmeshed". Personally, if we're swapping psychobabble, I think that people who are reluctant to spend time apart from their spouse are codependent!

gannett · 04/12/2023 08:14

Newnamesameoldlurker · 03/12/2023 20:43

A friend of mine does this, I've always thought it was a bit odd/maybe a sign that she and her DH are still a bit enmeshed in their respective families of origin rather than invested in the idea of themselves as their own little family unit. But- each to their own!

Thinking like this and making these assumptions is much more bonkers than a couple spending Xmas apart, which isn't that unusual at all. The phrase "invested in the idea of themselves as their own little family unit" makes me shudder. As someone with a toxic family of origin, I'd have loved one I wanted to be enmeshed in!

user1471548941 · 04/12/2023 08:28

We do this sometimes and similar situation- together 6 years, early 30s no kids. I have elderly grandparents that I wouldn’t want to miss a traditional family Christmas with- I am very very close to them and obviously they won’t always be there. His family are 5 hours away and are very casual about Xmas- it’s basically a big piss up, they don’t do presents or even a proper lunch! I don’t drink!

So my default is that I stay home and spend the day with my parents/grandparents and he choses whether to go back to his home town or stay with us! It works for us- we spend the rest of the year together so it’s a nice excuse for him to spend a few days with his family!

LahnaMJA · 04/12/2023 12:59

I see on here, many very mature, emotionally intelligent adults, who make good decisions. (rather than passive aggressive, or unassertive responses to Christmas😆)

MyDogCalledMax · 04/12/2023 13:13

I did this until my husband joined the police and our Christmases became more fluid. I personally love my family Christmas, and my mum is on her own so we were always keen to make sure she was never left alone.
Now we have our daughter so I will be based more at home so my husband can come and go depending on his shift!

SouthEastCoast · 04/12/2023 13:26

No need to spend the day together when no children involved, it’s very sensible to each go to their own parents.

MrsHughesPinny · 04/12/2023 13:37

I always did it because exH’s family’s Christmas was a bit shit compared to my family’s. I did alternate for a few years but it wasn’t worth wasting a perfectly good Christmas there eating off paper plates!

We weren’t bothered, we saw each other every other day. Plus my family are a flight away, so had to make a long weekend/week of it.

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