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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending Xmas apart. Is this a thing?

119 replies

Xmasq · 03/12/2023 20:41

Talking about Xmas plans with colleagues the other day and a colleague said she'd never spent Xmas with her husband, they both just go and stay with respective families and have the day there.

They've been married 5 years, no children and are early 30s. Another colleague piped up to say her older sister does a similar thing as she doesn't ever want to miss her family Christmas and so her husband usually goes to his own family most years.

I'd never come across this before, is this a thing? I can understand with blended families or before people are married but I assumed once you were married or very serious you spent day together and maybe alternated between families? Maybe I'm missing something and it's not such a big deal these days?

OP posts:
asplashofmilk · 03/12/2023 21:03

Yes, I did this for a long time. Both dp and I were close to our own families and preferred to be with them rather than our in laws. We could have had Christmas just the two of us but my family are geographically spread out and Christmas was a rare time everyone got together so I didn't like to miss it.

No reflection on our relationship, definitely not enmeshed with our families, to me that's as ridiculous as suggesting that a couple deciding to have Christmas alone are co-dependent!

Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:04

I'm not clear why you think blended families would do this... we're a blended family but we spend Christmas together at home. I like being with my husband and we consider ourselves a family (my two kids, his daughter, and our daughter). The children have no other parents.

Each to their own, I suppose. If it works for others, great.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/12/2023 21:04

In the early years of a relationship it’s normal, but tbh once you’re living together it does seem a little odd. My 18 year old dds boyfriend is spending Christmas with us this year as his dads away and his mum doesn’t really do Christmas. I’d be heart broken though if dd didn’t want to spend the day with us. But I do know that day will come, I don’t expect them to do separate Christmases if they’re living together at any point.

Psychoticbreak · 03/12/2023 21:05

I think it is bonkers and one thing myself and recent ex never agreed on. He spends it every year in his sisters place (the only day of the year he chooses to see her despite her living down the road) and I was told in no uncertain terms it would never change. Apparently his ex of 15 years would go to her family and he to his even after they had the kids. I think it is bizarre myself but each to their own.

CadhlaWren · 03/12/2023 21:06

I’ve known a few couples do this up until having children.

If it wasn’t for our kids I’d maybe go for this arrangement, rather than alternating as we’ve always done. My family are much older than my in laws, and it does feel very lonely without them. I’m very aware that that I’ve only so many with the family I have left. Spending it with people who don’t even much like me seems so wasteful!

JamSandle · 03/12/2023 21:07

Makes sense to me. It's only one day.

Wannabedisneyprincess · 03/12/2023 21:07

Me and my DH did it until we had our DC1 and since then alternate but not alternate between going to my mums for big extended family Christmas or host all parents, 3 sets due to divorce, but we also go to MILs New Year’s Day with DHs siblings and families

Upwiththelark76 · 03/12/2023 21:07

I do this and have done for years . I go to spend Christmas with my mum and the other half does the same .never considered not doing it this way . No kids through so we can do it our way

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 03/12/2023 21:08

Yes we did this pre-children. Just made sense. We spent every other day together and at Xmas we both wanted to be at our respective homes with family.
Now we have kids we don't do it though. But I think pre-kids it makes total sense. And yes, we both get on well with our in laws, but it isn't the same as being with your own parents in your own home. Plus it meant we got precious time with grandparents etc before they passed away.

stepintochristmas1 · 03/12/2023 21:10

I think it's so people never have to cut the apron strings , or they simply would have a punch-up with the in-laws .

MermaidMummy06 · 03/12/2023 21:12

DH & I spent Xmas apart before DC. It was easier. My DM wanted me to drive her up a day early to their annual beach holiday (so she could shop without DF grumbling). DH's family had him well trained to go to them.

I didn't mind because Xmas didn't mean much to us. I got a free summer beach holiday with a view, and Xmas was relaxed and festive. I avoided having to spend a depressing Christmas with my nasty in laws, sitting around their lounge room, listening to how wonderful SIL is & being ignored.

I miss it. Now we have DC there are arguments every year over where we go.

WashingAt30 · 03/12/2023 21:12

We did this too before kids. Makes perfect sense as we lived with each other, and saw each other all the time.
Both our families we saw much less often, and even less with them all together at the same time.
So of course we both were going to choose to see those people in our family who we hadn't seen much of that year.
It's probably completely different if you live in the same town as all your family, but our families lived all over, so everyone getting together pretty much only ever happened at Christmas!

milkywinterdisorder · 03/12/2023 21:12

We did this until we had kids - not just for Christmas Day, either; we’d stay with our respective parents for 5 days or so (but that’s partly because my parents are a fair distance from us). I always thought spending Christmas with a bunch of people you barely know was far weirder. But I guess if you feel like a part of your in-laws’ family it’s different?

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 03/12/2023 21:16

We used to do this before we lived together but not now. We used to take it in turns between going to my parents or my DH's parents, but after we lost MIL we alternate between going to my parents or having FIL over (and my parents come too). FIL alternates between us and SIL.

It does mean that we tend to now see my parents every year and FIL alternate years but I am an only child and DH is one of two so it works.

I'd have everyone to us if I could but there's not enough room for 10!

Agii · 03/12/2023 21:22

Love it !

watchingtheworldwithwoe · 03/12/2023 21:25

Sounds odd when you hear of it for the first time but I think it's quite genius tbh! Hubby isn't massively in to Xmas as he's not bothered about festivities or presents etc so would probably work quite well for us if we did that.

rosegoldivy · 03/12/2023 21:27

Me and DH do this.

I done one or two xmas with DH side

Abso no bad blood with MIL, actually really like her but.... she can't cook for shit. (Refuses to let anyone help cook)

And No way am I missing out on my familys holy grail of dinners to eat shite soup and soggy roasters 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Shakespeareandi · 03/12/2023 21:28

Makes sense to me. If living together you see each other every day anyway.

ZebraDanios · 03/12/2023 21:30

Newnamesameoldlurker · 03/12/2023 20:43

A friend of mine does this, I've always thought it was a bit odd/maybe a sign that she and her DH are still a bit enmeshed in their respective families of origin rather than invested in the idea of themselves as their own little family unit. But- each to their own!

Well, it could be that, or it could be people rationalising that they’ve got (hopefully) the rest of their lives to spend Christmas with their partner, but they’re likely to have far fewer with their parents.

Or it could be that they don’t see Christmas as a particularly “coupley” time and they’d rather be with their family of origin at that time.

Or it could be that they don’t want their parent(s) to be alone on Christmas Day.

Or any other reason that doesn’t mean they’re not invested in the relationship!

Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:33

rosegoldivy · 03/12/2023 21:27

Me and DH do this.

I done one or two xmas with DH side

Abso no bad blood with MIL, actually really like her but.... she can't cook for shit. (Refuses to let anyone help cook)

And No way am I missing out on my familys holy grail of dinners to eat shite soup and soggy roasters 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud - thank you!

ChilliPB · 03/12/2023 21:35

I really don’t think it’s that odd or unusual. We usually spend Xmas together but not every year - both our families live in different countries to us (and my family live across two countries) so Christmas is one time that (a) most people have a few days off and (b) all or most of one family might be together. If all my family are in one place I might spend Christmas with them, as it only happens every few years. Same for DH. Sometimes that just happens in the same year so we’ll split up. We sometimes spend it at home by ourselves, sometimes with some or all of my family and sometimes with some or all of his.

It does not mean anything about how invested we are in our relationships, how unable we are to ‘cut the apron strings’ or any other crap that PPs seem to think it might.

Not everyone has the standard alternating Christmas arrangement with the two families - not if families are miles apart, blended families, if there are multiple siblings etc.

Lots of friends do similar things (with and without kids).

Toucanfusingforme · 03/12/2023 21:36

As far as I was concerned, when we married we became a new family - the two of us- so wherever we went at Christmas it was together. We didn’t want to be apart. To me, marrying involved building on the importance of our commitment to each other. I could go and see family any/every of the other day of the year. I was never thrilled to spend Christmas with the in laws, but at least I was with the man I most wanted to be with. But each to their own. It’s just a bit alien to me.

Lovelydaytomorrow · 03/12/2023 21:37

Not strange at all. We did this before kids.

We'd spend a fantastic run-up to Christmas together: nights out with friends, cozy pub lunches, Christmas markets, have our own 'Christmas dinner' together and swap presents. We're not religious, so the actual day didn't matter to us.

Then DH would fly to his parents. They'd go to mass and have a very small family christmas meal. It was always just him and his parents and sometimes his sister (care worker so often working Christmas). He lived in a different country so it was important to him that he'd make this effort to be 'home' for Christmas.

I'd go to my parents and spend the day with my mum, dad, brother, sister-in-law, nephew and elderly grandparents. I was very aware that any year could likely be the last Christmas I'd spend with my grandparents.

We happily spent lots of time with each other's families throughout the rest of the year, including going on holidays together. But Christmas just worked out best for us that way - we were all completely happy and no one was compromising on what they wanted.

I think those saying it's weird and some shit about 'apron strings', it says more about them then the people who happily spend Christmas apart. I have absolutely wonderful memories of the Christmas season with my DH pre-kids and had brilliant Christmas days with my family without him there. We're still very, very happily married and now arrange our Christmases as a family around our kids and spending time with both sides of the family.

WrongSwanson · 03/12/2023 21:38

My brother and his wife often do this,.they dont have children and have nieces and nephews they want to spend time with at Christmas. They have loads of lovely holidays together the rest of the year round

Girasoli · 03/12/2023 21:39

We did this for 2 years we were living together but not married yet. Once we got married we either stayed home or alternated which parents house we went to.