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Original poster

Spending Xmas apart. Is this a thing?

119 replies

Xmasq · 03/12/2023 20:41

Talking about Xmas plans with colleagues the other day and a colleague said she'd never spent Xmas with her husband, they both just go and stay with respective families and have the day there.

They've been married 5 years, no children and are early 30s. Another colleague piped up to say her older sister does a similar thing as she doesn't ever want to miss her family Christmas and so her husband usually goes to his own family most years.

I'd never come across this before, is this a thing? I can understand with blended families or before people are married but I assumed once you were married or very serious you spent day together and maybe alternated between families? Maybe I'm missing something and it's not such a big deal these days?

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/12/2023 22:26

I don’t think it’s unusual pre-kids, up to last year one of my siblings always spent Christmas away from partner although that’s changed since having my DN last year. I have several childfree friends who still do this though, spend Christmas with their families instead of together. In all cases the parents live too far to visit in a day.

Pinkelephant66 · 03/12/2023 22:28

itsmylife7 · 03/12/2023 20:46

Sounds perfect to me. No arguments about who's parents to visit.

Just because you're married or live together, you don't need to be joined at the hip.

Agreed! Nothing ‘weird’ about it

stayathomer · 03/12/2023 22:34

We also used to do this pre kids- neither of us wanted to be with the other’s family on the actual day. When I think of it now it seems mad but we had great Christmasses 😅

Clydagh · 03/12/2023 22:44

Loads of people do this for all kinds of valid reasons. The only thing I find odd is how violently some people react to it, as though it’s some kind of strike at the foundations of the couple/marital unit, or their own marriage is personally threatened by some people choosing to eat their sprouts with their parents.

Wolfpa · 03/12/2023 22:44

I am the opposite with my partner, we stay together and don’t go to family at all.

it was a game changer when we first did it, actually getting the day we wanted instead of fitting into someone else’s. We see them in November and January and that’s enough.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 03/12/2023 22:49

We do this! Very happily married too 😃 My husband is from another country-very close by but still a good wedge of travel time factoring in ferries or flights. I stay at our house now and have my parents over.
I’ve visited his mums a few times and although fun, it’s a hectic visit seeing all family and friends, and I don’t feel relaxed like I do in my own home as ultimately I’m still there as a guest.
It’s nice for each of us to see our parents for proper catch up time with no work etc

We have second Christmas around 28/29th when he’s back and it’s great! Our parents are getting on, it’s nice to have quality time with them. I miss him a bit but we do see each other all year and have plenty of holidays and breaks away, so time off together over Christmas doesn’t feel as urgent. We don’t have children so this makes it easier to make this decision!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/12/2023 22:52

We have a couple in our family who do this.

Christmas at mine is loud, busy and constant. We have 26 coming this year. She loves it and is always at the heart of the games, messing around with the kids and just loves the big gathering.

It's his idea of hell so he spends it with a couple of relatives or goes away for a walking trip that she wouldn't enjoy anyway.

It's worked for them for 15+ years.

Jasmine876 · 03/12/2023 22:54

I did it before we had kids. Now that we have kids, we don’t see family on Xmas day and we keep it to just our household. I’ve got relatives who did the same.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 03/12/2023 22:56

I know people who did this before having kids. Seems fine to me.

WinterParakeets · 03/12/2023 22:58

I know a few couples who do this. One is married to a Muslim so Christmas is no big deal for him. He goes back to his native country to visit family while she goes back to her parents for Christmas. I know another couple who just want to do things differently – he goes skiing, she stays home with family. I'd be distraught if DH wanted Christmas apart. I love our Christmases. But the people I know are fine with it.

KaarijasBowlCut · 03/12/2023 22:58

I'm interested to see so many others also do this - or did at some point. DH and I have never spent Christmas Day together and have been very happily married for 30+ years but people always act like it's completely bizarre when they find out that's our usual arrangement.

We don't have children (by choice) and for us, Christmas has always been about spending it with our separate families.

Katy231 · 03/12/2023 22:58

Hahahah ... I think I might do this. Get my mum to pamper me!

Kitkatcatflap · 03/12/2023 23:00

It's not bonkers, they have marriage licence not an umbilical cord. If it works for both of them - fine.

Twenty years ago, I worked with a woman who did this. Her DH was quieter and his parents were practically reclusive. He saw Christmas as quiet time, reading, long walks. She saw Christmas as a boozy party feast with masses of extended family. Neither were religious, so they would each go back to the families for a few days and then go on holiday together for New Years.

I thought it was grown up - look at all the 'christmas/in law' threads

Womencanlift · 03/12/2023 23:04

We have Christmas with our own families and New Year together. No kids and it works well for us. I do love his family and will happily visit at other times of the year, and he thinks the same about mine, but for me Christmas is my time to go home

Snowdogsmitten · 03/12/2023 23:04

Toucanfusingforme · 03/12/2023 21:36

As far as I was concerned, when we married we became a new family - the two of us- so wherever we went at Christmas it was together. We didn’t want to be apart. To me, marrying involved building on the importance of our commitment to each other. I could go and see family any/every of the other day of the year. I was never thrilled to spend Christmas with the in laws, but at least I was with the man I most wanted to be with. But each to their own. It’s just a bit alien to me.

Nah, I don’t like my husband enough for that.

poppitypop1 · 03/12/2023 23:04

We did this until we had kids.

Gowlett · 03/12/2023 23:08

I’ve been seriously considering going to my parents this year. To avoid my husband on Christmas Day. I know that he’ll kick off about something minor, and he’s cooking so I won’t be allowed near the kitchen… Ideally, we’d open presents / do Santa with DS. Then I’d do what I want in peace.

Gowlett · 03/12/2023 23:12

Kitkatcatflap, great point. People have different ideas of Christmas. My family is small, and peaceful. DH family is loud, complicated & there’s always trouble! I know which I prefer…

cottonstar · 03/12/2023 23:16

We did it pre DC too. Made sense as our families are nowhere near each other and we both wanted to see our families at Christmas!

ThreeTreeHill · 03/12/2023 23:16

I dont really get why this is bizarre. Me and Dh do this.

We do it for several reasons. We live quite a way from our parents so dont get to see them that much, especially not tied in with our siblings visiting.

PIL Xmas is shite, it's basically a standard day till 4pm by which point we then have to eat a crappy dinner which involves lots of panic and faffing but absolutely no one must help. I wasted one Xmas there I don't want to waste another

Also neither of our parents have massive family's so it would essentially just be my parents and my brother and his parents and his brother if we didn't separate.

Once we have DC I imagine we will spend it together, but I see him almost every other day of the year and we usually have our own Xmas day the weekend before.

mondaytosunday · 03/12/2023 23:22

It's not a new way, probably people have dietas fine this. But when I married I wanted the be with my husband- and he certainly didn't want to be with his family! We had my family come to us if they were in the country. Getting married is a chance to make new traditions isn't it?

Silverblue1985 · 03/12/2023 23:22

We’ve spent a couple of Christmasses apart since we’ve been married. My family is in another country and DH can’t take any a/l before Christmas due to his job. I will stay this year as he’s got no family left - though at the same time feeling incredibly guilty as my grandmother is nearly 89 and I’ve only seen her for a couple of days this year as is.

Copperoliverbear · 03/12/2023 23:23

Never heard of it before, we used to alternate. X

stepintochristmas1 · 03/12/2023 23:28

So do none of you and your spouse never invite your own parents for xmas at your own place ?

MrsRetriever · 03/12/2023 23:31

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 20:43

Dh and I used to do this pre children. Our first xmas together was dds first xmas.
Neither of us wanted to spend xmas with the other ones family so it seemed like a sensible solution

Same with us, except we did spend a couple of years together pre-children when my parents were on holiday.

Our families live several hundred miles apart so it either meant loads of travelling or one of us missing out on family time. People come to us now we have DC and a bigger house!